Not Waving But Drowning - Chapter 1: T Minus 2 Years 8 Months

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T Minus 2 Years 8 Months



They put a baby seat in the back of the Impala.

Jensen thinks it makes for a pretty surreal picture. He likes it anyway.

It’s the theme of his life. The more surreal it seems, the more he likes it. The more he likes it, the more surreal it seems.

Sometimes, though, there’s something he finds even more surreal than the baby seat in his car: Jared sitting in the passenger seat next to him, being with him. Jensen likes it, sure. He just doesn’t get it.

Like right now.

‘That’s a nice house, isn’t it?’ Jared says and points out the car window.

‘Yeah,’ he says, dully and looks over. He looks at Jared looking out the window, looking at houses. Just looking; maybe with a little smile. Tentatively dreaming.

Jensen can’t tell because he doesn’t let his gaze linger. He has the grey asphalt in front of him to focus on. The road stretches longer every time they drive to Jared’s brother and the suburbs become endless. It gives him more time to think and Jared more time to look. Just look, because Jensen can’t give him anything.

He grits his teeth, white knuckling the steering wheel and tells himself, not yet. Not yet, but someday.

Jared laughs at Jensen doesn’t even wanna know what - a silly paintjob, maybe, some cliché white-picket-fence or dogs and kids goofing in fussily maintained front yards.

What he knows though, is his time is running out. Someday has to be soon.



‘God, I fucking hate this!’ Jared groans, head buried under his pillow. It doesn’t do much against the music blaring through the ceiling. ‘This is what? The third time this week?’

Next to him, Jensen shifts and sits up. Jared lifts his head back out, eyes falling on Jensen stepping into a pair of jeans and a shirt.

‘What are you doing?’

‘Gonna ask Kev’ to turn it the fuck down.’

Despite his harsh words, Jensen’s tone is calm. Too calm for Jared’s liking. Their room is dark, the moon not bright enough to reveal Jensen’s eyes but Jared doesn’t have to see them to know how they look in that moment: Flat and dull. Jensen always gets like this when the cancerous flames of anger flickering inside him reach boiling point.

‘No,’ Jared whispers, ‘come back to bed,’ and reaches for Jensen.

Shaking his head, Jensen steps out of his reach. ‘No. We need to sleep. You’ve got school tomorrow.’

‘I can sleep, I swear. It’s not that bad.’

‘It’s only going to get louder. You know that. And Lily-‘

‘Lily is still asleep,’ Jared says, quickly but only a second after the words left his mouth the cries of his daughter pierce through the hammering bass. Defeated, he sighs and drops his head back onto the pillow. Even over the music he can hear Jensen grind his teeth. It’s followed by a metallic clunk and Jared knows there’s yet another dent in their aluminum laundry basket.

‘I’m gonna- !’ Jensen shouts and Jared heaves himself up and off the bed.

‘Hey,’ he says softly and steps up to Jensen. ‘Take a breath, okay? I’ll go calm Lily down. You go ask them to turn down the music - nice and politely, of course - and everything will be fine.’

‘Yeah, right,’ Jensen huffs and pulls away from him. ‘I’m fucking tired, man.’

‘I know,’ Jared says. ‘I am, too. Just don’t do anything rash, alright? We talked about this.’

Jensen grunts and Jared takes it as an affirmative. Lately, it’s all he gets anyway. He watches Jensen’s tense back head out the door.

In Lily’s room, the music is even louder. Jared can feel it vibrating through him, making the hairs on his arms stand and his toes curl. His baby girl is screaming her tiny lungs out. Gently, he picks her up, rests her against his chest and shoulder. Under her high pitched wails and the heart beats, Jared’s ears groan in protest.

‘Hey, it’s okay, sweetie, it’s okay,’ he whispers, trying to calm her as he wills himself to stay calm, as well. ‘Daddy’s here, now and Dad is going to make it all better. You’ll see.’

He rocks her back and forth, tries to protect her ears as he’s pacing the room in an attempt to calm Lily down. Then finally Flo Rida’s Low quiets to a dull throb in the walls. It feels like an eternity has passed since Jensen left, but it can’t have been more than a few minutes. He wonders what happened. Kevin Myers isn’t easy to talk to when he’s sober, much less when he’s partying hard.

‘Shh,’ he whispers, patting Lily gently on the back. ‘It’s all quiet, now.’ He sighs wearily. ‘Dad took care of it.’

A moment later their apartment door opens and closes. In the regained silence, every sound Jensen makes seems deafening to Jared. He flinches when he hears water start running in the bathroom.

Lily has finally settled, luckily sharing none of his worries. Carefully Jared lowers her back into her crib. He cleans her puffy face, brings a smile to her lips with a jiggle of her favorite toy then hands it to her when she makes grabby fingers for it.

‘Sleep tight,’ he whispers and places a kiss on her forehead. After a last look he pulls himself away to check on Jensen. He finds him sitting on the toilet lid, dabbing at his face with a wet wash cloth.

‘How’s Lily?’ Jensen asks, only briefly glancing up at him.

‘On her way back to sleep,’ Jared says and leans against the doorframe. ‘What did you do?’

‘Nothing,’ Jensen mumbles. The split lip and blossoming bruise on his right cheek, however, tell a different story.

Sighing, Jared puts a hand over his face. ‘Damn it, Jensen.’

Jensen glares at him. ‘I forgot the fucking doors in this fucking building open outwards, okay?’ He breaks off and heaves a weary breath, hands falling limply into his lap. ‘I was tired and pissed and I forgot, so I stood there and that drunken bastard slammed the damn door right into my face.’ Briefly shaking his head, he brings the cloth up again, dabbing it against his cheek where he hits a particularly sensitive spot. He groans and his eyes scrunch up. ‘At least it got him to turn the music down without a fuss.’

‘And you expect me to believe that?’ Jared says with a frown. ‘You ran into a door?’

Jensen shrugs. ‘Not exactly ran into it, but yeah, it was a door.’

‘You sure it wasn’t a fist?’ He suggests, with maybe a bit more snide than he meant to, but he’s tired. Tired and exhausted and it’s been getting harder and harder to read Jensen. ‘I mean you were pretty wound up when you left. Actually you’ve been for quite some time. Are you sure you didn’t give Kevin a reason to hit you? Or rather, hit you back?”

‘Look,’ Jensen huffs and lets the washcloth sink. ‘It’s the damn meds, okay? They make me angry, Jared, but they don’t make stupid. I may kick at stuff or take a bat to a baseball harder than I have to, but I still know where to draw the line.’

‘I know that,’ Jared relents and steps over to Jensen.

‘Do you?’ Jensen asks, resignedly.

Averting his gaze Jared plucks the cold washcloth from Jensen’s hand instead and carefully presses it to the bruise. ‘Honestly, I don’t know what the hell anymore.’ He cups Jensen’s good cheek, grazes a thumb over it and locks their eyes. ‘I’m worried because lately you’re not acting like yourself.’ He pauses, waits for Jensen to say something but he doesn’t. Jared tries to smile nonchalantly. The tension sticks, anyway. He shrugs, helpless. ‘You’ve become so distant. Even with me.’

Jensen’s eyes cast down, away from the inquiring flicker of his. Jared lets his hand fall away with a sigh. Instead he wraps his arms around Jensen and pulls him in close, an underlying fear of losing Jensen gnawing at his gut. ‘I just want us to be happy, man,’ he says, voice thick.

For a few long heartbeats nothing happens. Then Jared feels Jensen’s hands creep up his back, wrapping tightly around his shoulders. Jared has to grit his teeth against the pain of the hold. He can feel Jensen’s biceps quiver with tension. In the end, Jensen holds on even more fiercely than Jared himself and whispers. ‘Me too.’



A cold breeze is sweeping over the cemetery, rustling flowers and tiny U.S. flags. Jensen lets his eyes wander over the rows of small, uniform headstones.

‘So?’ Jeff’s voice drags his focus back to the grave in front of him. But when he looks at Jeff, his back is turned towards him. Jensen takes a step back in an attempt to give Jeff and his son a little privacy.

‘I was talking to you, Jensen,’ Jeff says, without looking up.

Jensen clears his throat. ‘Yeah?’

‘You going to tell me why you tagged along all of a sudden?’

He shrugs. ‘Just felt like it. Haven’t been here in a long time.’

‘That so?’ This time, Jeff turns and looks him right in the eye. Jensen crosses his arms over his chest, shrugs again. The cold breeze makes him shiver. Then he can’t stand the weight of Jeff’s eyes anymore.

‘It’s quiet here,’ Jensen says, eventually and averts his face.

Jeff nods. ‘Not as easy as you thought, huh? Going from hermit to full time family man…’

‘I guess,’ he sighs. ‘But that’s not it.’

‘Then what is?’

For a second he considers just keeping his mouth shut. But it’s not going to make anything better. It’ll only get Jeff more onto his back than he already is. So Jensen gives a dismissive shrug and says, ‘I’m a fuck up,’ on a humorless laugh. ‘Everything just… I’m trying to do the right thing, man, but… fuck, I don’t know.’

‘No one just knows, boy.’

‘He knew,’ Jensen says and nods at his cousin’s grave. ‘What the right thing is, I mean.’

‘He died for it,’ Jeff retorts grimly. Confused Jensen looks up and meets Jeff’s eyes. They’re stern and frustrated. ‘I’d rather he had tried harder to live for it.’

This time, the shiver that runs through his body has nothing to do with the chilly air. The words try harder echo in Jensen’s head.



Jensen knocks on the doorframe before he enters the pintsized cell that claims to be their kitchen. ‘You got a minute?’

Jared looks up from his textbooks, smiling tiredly. ‘Sure,’ he says, but doesn’t set down the highlighter he’s holding.

Picking up one of Lily’s toys, Jensen fiddles with it as he sits down opposite from Jared. It’s a tight fit and under the table his knees knock against Jared’s. ‘Listen’, he says then has to clear his throat against the onset feeling of suffocation. ‘I got an idea…’



‘There’s quite the gap in your resume, Mr. Ackles.’

Jensen grits his teeth. He’s tired of the implied question that swings with these words. His legs twitch restlessly and anger dwells up in his gut. Despite the side effects, Jared makes sure he takes his pills. Jensen is certain that’s all they do: burden him with side effects. If not for Jared and Lilly, he’d feel like crap either way. Meds or no meds.

Jensen watches as neatly manicured hands that haven’t seen a day of hard labor smooth out imaginary crinkles in a tailored suit. His gaze wanders up over an artificial tan and designer glasses to thinning blond hair slicked back in a million dollar haircut. Patrick Brown Jr., owner of Brown&Son’s Metals eyes him with a condescending smile.

And here Jensen thought he’d actually have a chance. With an effort, Jensen uncurls his fingers from the armrest, tugs at his tie, and says what the guy already knows. ‘I was in prison for 6 and a half years’

‘What for?’

Jensen raises his eyes in defiance. He’s so sick of this. ‘Child molestation.’

‘I see,’ Brown says, with a sigh.

‘I did my time,’ Jensen snaps.

Brown smiles like he’s got him exactly where he wants Jensen to be. He takes out a paper and a pen. ‘Sign here,’ he says and pushes the contract over the desk.

Jensen works his jaw. The guy is a shark. They both know exactly that Jensen has next to nil chances of getting hired anywhere else. He realizes, that is exactly what this company is built on: cheap workers like immigrants with no resume or former inmates, out too long to get support by a half-way home and rejected wherever they apply. People desperate for a job. People like him.

Gut churning and hands shaking, Jensen signs on the dotted line.



Standing in the living room, in the midst of boxes and furniture, of their new house, Jensen says a breathless, ‘Thanks guys,’ and flexes his aching hands. ‘We’d have been totally lost without you.’

‘Don’t mention it.’ Tom waves him off, but he’s just as breathless, sweat running down his temples. Head hanging, he’s got his forearms propped on the couch he and Mike just helped Jensen to carry inside. Mike has slumped down on it and is now tiredly blinking up at him. ‘Yeah, don’t mention it. Just know that drinks are so on you and Jay for like the next six months or so.’

‘Got it,’ Jensen chuckles and sinks onto the arm rest.

‘Tell me that’s it…’ Chad groans as he stumbles down the stairs. ‘One more box and my arms are going to fall off.’

‘I think we’re done,’ Jensen says. ‘No. I’m declaring we’re done! I don’t care about any stuff still in the truck. It’s Jared’s anyway…’

‘We’re done, truck’s empty,’ Jared says, stepping up behind him and smacks him over the head. ‘But nice to know you care so much about our things.’

‘Sorry,’ says Jensen, grinning sheepishly.

‘Kitchen is all set up,’ Jeff’s gruff voice makes them turn their head.

‘Thanks,’ Jensen sighs. ‘We owe you.’

‘You bet.’ Jared’s brother appears behind Jeff, setting the drill back into the case. ‘You better cook some hot shit in there for us. J.D. is providing the steaks, all else is on you guys.’

‘Will do, bro,’ Jared says, smiling. ‘For now, though, who wants pizza?’

It earns him a collective holler of approval.

‘Did we hear pizza?’ Sophia and Sandy show up at the open living room window, smiling wide.

‘You heard right,’ Jared laughs and goes to let them in.

‘We brought you some groceries and stuff,’ Jensen hears Sandy say and the rustle of a bag. ‘And came to see if you’re all still alive and in one piece.’

‘I took a hammer to my thumb,’ Chad whines, once the girls appear in sight.

‘Poor baby,’ Sophia says, smiling and pets him on the head, then says ‘anything serious?’

The little group starts laughing, and Jensen sinks back into the soft couch cushions, letting his gaze trail over their friends until it falls on Jared’s happy face. Yeah, he thinks. Buying the house was the right thing to do.



They’re sitting around the small living room table littered with an empty pizza box and beer bottles on top of it. Jensen is leaning against Jared’s legs and Jared absentmindedly cards a hand through his hair. It has lost its casual bed-hair style, product long dissolved by sweat, and by now it’s hardly more than an unruly mess of wayward strands but Jared doesn’t mind.

‘Your new carpet is really fluffy, Jared,’ Sophia says, idly brushing her hand over the fabric where she and Chad are casually curled up on it. ‘Could fall asleep right here and now…’

‘Or do other things,’ Chad suggests and elicits a fondly huffed, ‘pervert,’ from his girlfriend.

‘We’ll take the couch on any day,’ Mike mumbles. Jared watches in amusement how he presses up closer to Tom who rolls his eyes. Doesn’t stop him from tightening his arm around Mike’s shoulder, Jared notices with a smile.

‘Well, seems like someone agrees with Sophia,’ J.D. says.

‘Huh?’

J.D. nods towards Jensen and Jared glances down, noticing that Jensen isn’t so much leaning but slumped against him. His soft puffs of breath are tickling the hairs on his bare shins.

‘He’s fallen asleep,’ Sandy mutters, softly.

‘Can’t blame him,’ Jeff says. ‘Felt like he was at several places at once the entire day. Never saw him not carrying a box or setting something up.’ He cards a hand through his hair and looks at Jared. ‘I mean we all did our fair share, no argument there, but Jensen…’

‘Jensen always takes that extra load,’ Tom finishes and Jared nods in agreement.

‘Speaking of extra load,’ Sandy suddenly says. ‘How are you going to pay for this house?’

‘Jensen got himself a new job,’ Jared says, glancing awkwardly at J.D.

‘And Lily? Who’s going to take care of her?’ Sophia chimes in.

‘Jensen will. Is why he got himself a job doing the night shift,’ J.D. explains. His voice is toneless, but the look in his eyes tell Jared exactly what Jensen’s uncle thinks about this. Swallowing around a lump, Jared averts his face.

‘So he can watch Lily during the day?’ Sophia asks with apparent disbelieve.

Jeff huffs a laugh. ‘That’s gonna be fun. I already told you, Jay, and I’m gonna tell you again: I think it’s a royally stupid idea.’

‘I know it’s not ideal,’ Jared concedes. ‘But it’s only until Lily is old enough for pre-school.’

‘Why don’t you get her a place at daycare?’ Mike asks.

‘Jensen doesn’t want that,’ Jared replies. ‘Says, he hasn’t become a father only to give his child away the first chance he gets.’

‘That’s a little extreme,’ Jeff sighs.

‘But you can understand, right?’ Jared asks.

‘Yeah,’ his brother agrees, albeit reluctantly. ‘I remember Nick’s first day of kindergarten. Even that was too soon to let my kid go, no matter how exhausting being a father can be at times.’

‘Well, if you ever need an evening or day for yourself,’ Sophia says, ‘don’t hesitate to ask. We’d be happy to take care of Lily for a while, right?’

Jared wasn’t aware he’d felt a weight on him, but when Chad nods readily in agreement he feels suddenly lighter.

‘Me too,’ Sandy offers and both Jeff and J.D. smile at Jared in the same silent offer.

‘Thank you, guys,’ Jared says. ‘You have no idea how much that means to me.’ He glances down at Jensen’s sleeping form. ‘To us.’

‘Promise you’ll take us up on it,’ J.D. says. ‘I’m gonna miss having the little dervish around during the day. And if he,’ J.D. tilts his chin towards Jensen, ‘is being a stubborn asshole about it, you make him take a break, you hear me? For your guys’ sake.’

‘What he said,’ Jeff adds. ‘And if all is lost, I got handcuffs to tie him to the bed.’

‘Kinky,’ Mike says and wriggles his eyebrows. Tom smacks him over the head, while everyone else starts laughing.

Against Jared’s leg, Jensen stirs, and Jared watches him blink his eyes open. It takes him a while to fully wake up, longer than Jared is used from him. A sad smile forms on Jared’s lips, as he gently keeps stroking a hand through Jensen’s hair, coaxing him to full awareness.

Jensen yawns then seems to realize what’s going on. Smiling sheepishly, he straightens up. ‘Sorry,’ he rasps, sleepily. ‘Didn’t mean to pass out on everyone…’

‘It’s okay,’ Jared says, softly.

‘Yeah, was only a couple minutes, anyway,’ Mike lies.

‘Really?’ Jensen groans, suppressing another yawn.

‘Speaking of sleep,’ Tom says. ‘I’m pretty beat, too. You ready to get going?’ Mike nods and pushes himself off the couch, pulling Tom along with him while everyone else stands up, too.

‘What?’ Jensen says, stumbling to his feet. ‘You’re all leaving, already?’

‘It was a rough day,’ J.D. says. ‘I think all of us have earned themselves a good night’s sleep.’

‘Right,’ Jensen mutters. Jared slings an arm around his shoulders as they accompany their friends to the door.

‘Come by for dinner tomorrow, when you pick Lily up, okay?’ His brother offers and Jared nods gratefully.

‘Thanks,’ he says, glancing at the unpacked boxes and the dark circles under Jensen’s eyes. ‘We’ll gladly take you up on that.’



When Jared says goodbye to their friends, Jensen feels a knock against his shoulder. It’s Jeff motioning him with a nod to follow him back into the hallway. ‘Can I have a quick word with you?’

Jared raises his eyebrows and shrugs, so Jensen nods his goodbye to the others and untangles himself from Jared’s arm.

When they’re out of ear shot, Jeff asks, ‘You sure about all this?’

Jensen laughs, dryly. ‘Little late for second thoughts.’

‘Not just the house. Night shifts, Lily, Jared…’

‘Are you worried about me, old man?’ Jensen asks, yawning.

Jeff scoffs. ‘I’m just saying your job’s still open. Interviewed a bunch of lazy kids. It’s a hassle, finding and training someone new, let me tell you that. You better come back before it’s too late.’

‘I can’t,’ Jensen sighs. ‘I swear, I wish I could, but I need this job. You know that…’

‘I could give you a raise,’ Jeff offers. ‘Having the little girl around drew a lot more customers.’

Jensen smiles, gratefully. ‘I appreciate it, man. But we both know there weren’t enough to give me a raise. I don’t wanna ruin you Jeff, and let’s be honest: a butchery’s office is not the best place for a kid.’

‘Yeah, I know.’ Jeff claps a hand on his shoulder. ‘I’m not mad, just wanted you to know that, you know… if you ever…’

‘I know,’ he says. ‘Thank you for that.’ Then he pulls him into an embrace. ‘Thank you for everything, Jeff.’

‘Don’t mention it,’ Jeff says, clapping him on the back. ‘Just don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re not alone in this, anymore.’

‘I know,’ Jensen says. ‘That’s why I’m doing this. You said it yourself: Try hard to live for the right thing.’ He goes for a smile, but it comes out crooked.

‘Jensen…’ Jeff takes a step closer but Jensen shakes his head and moves out of reach.

‘Guys?’ Jared pokes his head around the corner. ‘Everything all right?’

‘Yeah,’ Jensen says and, ignoring the stern glance Jeff sends him, he returns to Jared’s side. He nods a goodbye to Jeff and tries his best not to think about how unlikely it is that they can do a night like this in the near future.

Chapter 2: T Minus 1 Year 4 Months