Not Waving But Drowning - Chapter 2: T Minus 1 Year 4 Months
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T Minus 1 Year 4 Months
‘Hey, Jensen, you in for poker night on Saturday?’
Every week Frank asks him anew. Every week Jensen’s answer is the same: ‘Sorry, can’t.’ The time he gets to spend with his family is limited enough as it is.
‘I don’t get why you’re still asking him,’ Trent says, casting a sideways glance at Jensen from two lockers down. Jensen feels it on him but refuses to catch his eyes.
‘Because I refuse to believe the fucker thinks he’s too good for us.’ There’s a smirk on Frank’s face but Jensen can’t tell if he’s joking or serious.
Jensen sighs and glances at his watch. If he hurries, he’ll get a couple hours of sleep before Jared leaves for work and it’s time for him to be up again.
‘Look, guys,’ he says, ‘I appreciate the offer, but I-’
‘No.’ Frank interrupts him. ‘Come on, fuck the excuses. You look like shit, you gotta get out some. Man, you’ve been working with us for a year and we still know jack squat about you. It’s starting to creep me out. I wanna know the guy who handles heavy machinery next to me.’
A round of whispered yeahs echoes off the metal lockers.
‘Me?’ Jensen forces a laugh. ‘I’m just plain boring, I swear.’
‘Well, all the more reason to hang with us, dude. Look, we’re having a drink at DeeDee’s while we watch the chicks shake their pretty little asses, then hole up at my place, play some cards. Join us, man, live a little.’ Frank smiles and gestures wildly at Jensen, even shoves him in the shoulder. He’s urging him to see reason when the last thing Jensen wants is to sit in a strip joint with a bunch of chauvinists.
‘Maybe some other time,’ he says flatly as he pulls a shirt over his head. Colleagues or not, they’re starting to really grate on his nerves.
‘Dude,’ Frank steps closer. ‘What’s better than some hot chick giving you a lap dance? You’re no faggot, are you?’
Jensen grits his teeth as he slams the locker shut hard enough to make it rattle. ‘I am no faggot, I am-‘
He’s cut off by laughter from the other end of the room. Aaron, still in oil stained work overalls has brought his massive pranks up to try to muffle his barks. It’s in vain.
No one knows anything about that guy either besides that Aaron, just like Jensen and half of the guys around, is one of the ex-convicts the company is known for taking on. But Jensen doesn’t see anyone bugging him. It’s like he on the other hand, is some weird shit magnet.
‘What’s so funny, buddy?’ Trent calls.
‘Nothing,’ Aaron shrugs, fox like grin firmly in place. ‘Just, ya know, if you’re that damn curious, there’re ways to get a background check on someone. Let me tell ya’, I did some fucked up shit, but handsome here is a sick son of a motherfuckin’ bitch.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Frank asks and Jensen’s heart drops.
‘Nothing,’ he interjects. ‘He’s just sprouting shit.’
‘How old are your kids, Frank?’ Aaron keeps talking over his head, unfazed.
Jensen sees red. ‘Shut the fuck up!’ He shouts. The familiar mess of fear and anger boils hot in his veins. In the next second his hands are curled in Aaron’s collar. ‘You don’t know shit!’
‘Yeah?’ Aaron snarls, closing his fists tight around Jensen’s and stands up. He’s towering over him by several inches. ‘So you haven’t done time for hitting on the little ones?’
Jensen shoves Aaron hard against the locker but that spiteful smile sticks. The hold on his hands grows tighter. Jensen feels his bones crunch. He tries to pull back but Aaron doesn’t let go.
‘Fuck,’ Frank’s voice comes from behind. ‘You sick fuck. I don’t even - fucking kids?’
‘No!’ Jensen shouts then turns his head to look at his co-workers. He comes face to face with a wall of disgust. ‘I ain’t no pedophile!’
Their expressions tell him that not one of them believes him. Jensen’s stomach churns and suddenly he’s caught of guard, shoved up against a locker himself, shoulders and head connecting hard with cold metal. His own wrists are used to pin him there, crossed over his throat, they cut off his air.
Aaron’s face looms over him, teeth bared in a snarl. ‘Yeah, I bet they were acting real grown up.’
He is pressed further into the locker door, his breath forced out of him until dark spots dance in his vision.
‘Let go,’ he croaks, brings a knee up but can’t get the leverage to kick Aaron off of him.
When Aaron drops him it’s got nothing to do with Jensen’s effort to break his hold. Jensen crashes to the floor in a heap, coughing and gasping, glaringly reminded of the 20 pounds he lost over the past months.
Aaron makes sure to hammer it home by spitting in his face. ‘I ain’t no scared child, asshole.’
By the time Jensen gets up, wiping away the spit with his sleeve, Aaron has left. Jensen wonders briefly why the guy felt the need to rant on him, today. Usually Aaron can’t even be bothered to open his mouth at anything directed at him. But it doesn’t really matter anymore, anyway. There are only two reactions left he gets from his co-workers: they either step out of his way like he’s diseased or block his path with a defiant stare.
Frank says, ‘forget about Saturday,’ and Jensen has to bite back a chuckle. As if he had still considered that. Hell, he doubts they’ll ever work next to each other again if Frank can help it.
Hurriedly, Jensen shoves his stuff into his bag then heads for the exit. There he turns to the guys one last time, glances at their stoic faces and says, ‘I didn’t do it.’
‘Yeah, right. Just fuck off, dude. And FYI,’ Trent sneers, ‘you better start watching your back when you show up around here again.’
‘Naturally,’ he mutters under his breath and lets the door fall shut behind him.
Hands buried deep in his pockets, he sets out on the way home. The early morning air is cold and damp, hitting him in the face like a fist. It burns in his still aching throat. He coughs and pulls his jacket tighter, feels a dull throb in his shoulders and the back of his head.
One year. He made it one year and now it’s all gone to hell. If he’s honest, though, he never thought he’d be able to go this long without someone finding out. ‘You were pretty damn lucky,’ he mutters to himself.
At the next corner he bends over and vomits.
Jared wakes when Jensen falls into bed next to him. A glance at the clock tells him it’s a quarter to five in the morning.
‘Hey,’ he mumbles, blindly reaching out for him in the dark. ‘You’re late.’
‘Sorry,’ Jensen sighs, leaning in for a kiss. His breath smells of toothpaste and mouth cleanser. Jared crinkles his nose at the strong scent.
‘How was work?’ He asks, when Jensen pulls back.
There’s a pause as Jensen drops to rest his head on Jared’s chest. ‘Same old,’ he says then, dully.
Jared buries his nose in Jensen’s shower soft hair. He inhales deep and doesn’t feel all that tired anymore. Slowly, he starts stroking a hand up and down Jensen’s side. Jensen came to bed without a shirt for the first time in a long time and Jared’s surprised but he doesn’t complain; the feel of bare skin under his hand is a rare sensation these days.
‘You’re tense,’ he whispers.
‘I’m tired,’ Jensen retorts and Jared chuckles.
‘I can help you relax.’
‘Don’t wanna relax, Jared.’ It’s barely more than a soft mumble as Jensen curls tighter around him. ‘Just wanna lay here and sleep, okay?’
‘Come on, I’ll do the work,’ Jared says, his cock half hard, already. ‘I miss you.’
‘Miss you, too.’ Jensen plants a kiss on Jared’s chest and Jared takes it as a go ahead.
Gently, he tugs down Jensen’s boxer briefs until they rest under his balls. Then he wraps a hand around Jensen’s soft cock stroking him to full hardness.
With a moan, Jensen rolls onto his back and Jared climbs between his legs. Jared aligns their bodies, and ruts their erections against each other.
‘Uh…not like this,’ Jensen murmurs, his hands clambering weakly on Jared’s shoulders.
‘It’s okay, won’t do anything,’ Jared pants, but in moments like this he inwardly curses that Jensen’s still so adverse to this position, even more so to Jared actually doing him. ‘I just… like this…’ he trails of, groaning and buries his face in the crook of Jensen’s neck. In sum, it’s a lot more awkward than he expected, but it’s more than they’ve done in a long time so he keeps going.
Jensen’s arms tighten around his neck. He whispers ‘Love you,’ when he comes.
‘God, Jensen, love you, too,’ Jared gasps, spurting over their stomachs. He rocks through the aftershocks, then sinks down to press a kiss against Jensen’s lips. They are soft and swollen, bitten on and slick with spit. Jared loves their warmth, but right now, they are unresponsive. Jensen’s passed out.
‘Shit,’ Jared whispers. Frustrated, he brushes a hand through his hair and gets up to fetch a wet cloth. It’s the eerie early morning light, Jared tells himself when he wipes down Jensen’s abdomen, just the light that makes the hills and valleys of Jensen’s ribs look so stark.
Yet he can’t stop the scared mantra of ‘Shit, shit, shit,’ as he climbs back into bed. He pulls Jensen back into his arms and holds on tight, whispering, ‘It’s going to be okay, we can do this.’
For the first time since they moved out of their little apartment and into their new suburban house with its big, nice garden, Jared feels claustrophobic.
‘It’s not just the light anymore,’ Jared mutters at breakfast.
‘What?’ Jensen says and glances up from the mug in his hands.
The reply comes in form of a quick, ‘Nothing.’ Jared’s watching him from across the room. He’s trying to appear casual while he fixes himself a sandwich. But his mouth is twitching, so Jensen just waits. And sure enough, Jared starts up again. ‘It’s just… you’ve been working pretty hard and then Lily... Maybe you should take a couple days off.’
‘Can’t,’ Jensen says. God knows Jensen wishes he could. Work hadn’t exactly been fun before he’d been found out, but the last couple of weeks have been hell. Nothing he can do about it, though. ‘We need the money.’
‘I need you more,’ Jared says turning to face him.
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Jensen frowns as he sets down his coffee and braces himself against the counter when Jared steps up to him.
‘It means I’m worried,’ Jared says, and settles his hands on Jensen’s hips.
Jensen does his best to work up a smile and says, ‘I’m fine,’ as he gently rests a hand over Jared’s heart. It’s warm there, the beat steady and reassuring and his smile turns genuine.
Jared lifts one of his hands, splays it atop Jensen’s and strokes his thumb softly along Jensen’s knuckles. ‘You’ve lost a lot of weight.’
He cringes, has to work hard to keep his expression light. ‘I’m a little stressed out, so? It’ll pile back on in no time and you’ll have yourself a lazy ass soccer dad with a beer gut.’ It’s meant as a joke, a desperate attempt to dissipate the tension and make Jared drop the topic. But Jared just says, ‘as long as you’re happy,’ so genuine, it forms a lump in Jensen’s throat.
He curls his hand loosely in Jared’s shirt and rests their foreheads together. ‘I am.’
Jensen doesn’t know how long they stay like this, but it’s not nearly long enough by the time Jared pulls back. He sighs, kisses Jensen and says, ‘I gotta go.’
Jensen nods and somehow manages a grin. ‘Show the brats who the boss is.’ It may be too late for him, but he’s not going to stand in the way of Jared living his dream of being a teacher.
Jared smiles in return then places a gentle kiss on Lily’s forehead before he grabs his stuff and leaves the house. Throwing a last rueful glance over his shoulder, he mouths, ‘see you later.’ Then the door closes and Jensen’s alone with his daughter.
She looks up at him expectant and after he downs his coffee - his fifth and, if you ask him, sadly, also his last one for this morning - Jensen picks her up. Holding her hoisted on his hip, he sets on cleaning up the kitchen. ‘So, young lady, what do we do on this lovely Friday morning? You up for a trip to the park and grocery shopping with your old Dad?’
His daughter smiles up at him. Eyes shining she nods eagerly and says, ‘cocoa, Dad.’
‘Right,’ he chuckles. ‘Can’t forget the cocoa powder.’
This - Lily and Jared - are worth it. He may feel like warmed up roadkill, but they keep his heart pumping and he knows whatever happens, it’s all worth it.
Jared wakes up early Saturday morning with a strange feeling in his gut and a dry mouth. He picks up the baby monitor from the nightstand then heads downstairs for a glass of milk. A glance at the clock tells him Jensen’s not due back for at least an hour. He’s too restless to go back to bed though, so he checks on Lily then settles on the couch in the living room. With the TV on low volume, he waits for Jensen. But the sinking sensation in his stomach won’t let up and he can’t focus for more than a minute on the TV, either. He gets up, looks out the window at the sky, more for something to do rather than believing it’s the full moon keeping him up, when he spots his brother’s car pulling into their drive way.
‘The hell?’ Grabbing his key, he steps outside at half past three on a Saturday morning, hoping against all odds his brother doesn’t bring bad news.
‘What happened?’ He calls, making his way down the porch. Jeff’s helping Jensen get out of the passenger seat and both look up in surprise at his voice.
‘Jensen, God, what’s going on?’ Jared’s breathing hard by the time he reaches them.
Jensen’s just staring at him dumbfounded. ‘Why are you up?’ He asks, his voice faint and skin white as a sheet.
‘Why-’ Jared gasps, incredulous. ‘Couldn’t sleep, that’s why. What’s going on, Jensen? Are you okay? What happened?’ When he doesn’t get a response he turns to Jeff, desperate. ‘Is he okay? What happened?’
‘Calm down, bro,’ Jeff says and places a hand on his shoulder. ‘Let’s go inside, I’ll explain then.’
Looking back at Jensen, he nods, huffs a breathless, ‘yeah, okay,’ and reaches forward to take Jensen’s arm.
‘You’re not supposed to be up,’ Jensen says, but Jared only has eyes for the hospital bracelet.
‘Fuck, what-’ he calls, but Jeff silences him quickly.
‘He’s going to be okay, Jared, but we gotta get him into bed. You think you can help me with that or would you rather wake up the entire neighborhood?’
Gritting his teeth, Jared shakes his head.
Once they are inside, Jared gets a hand under Jensen’s knees and lifts him up. ‘Shut up,’ he mutters at Jensen’s protests and carries him up the stairs. His stomach hollows out at how light Jensen feels in his arms.
In their bedroom he lays Jensen down and undresses him.
‘Can do this myself,’ Jensen says but it’s weak and his hands are easily batted away.
Once Jared’s gotten him tucked in, he sits down atop the covers and smoothes a few stray hairs from Jensen’s forehead.
‘What happened, Jensen?’
‘Got a little woozy at work, ‘s all.’ His eyelids are drooping as he leans into Jared’s touch. Jared continues to gently stroke the side of Jensen’s face for a while after he has drifted off and tries to quench the feeling of guilt that’s starting to settle heavy in his bones. It doesn’t work.
Downstairs he finds Jeff in the kitchen, leaning against the counter. For a moment the gurgling of the coffee maker is the only sound in the room. They stay silent while Jeff fixes them each a cup, then Jared brushes a hand over his chin, feels the rasp of his stubbles and asks the question he dreaded. ‘Jensen collapsed, didn’t he?’
Jeff nods. ‘Yeah,’ he says and takes a drink. ‘His supervisor called for an ambulance after Jensen suddenly passed out and woke up disoriented. Doctors say he was dehydrated and malnourished.’
‘Shit.’ Jared drops into a chair, hands fisted tight in his hair. ‘I knew he lost some weight, but this… Damn, when I carried him upstairs, it felt - ’
‘When you carried him upstairs?’ Jeff snaps and Jared’s head shoots up. ‘Are you seriously trying to tell me that’s when you noticed how fucked up he is? Haven’t you looked at him? Aren’t you guys living together?’
‘Of course I noticed before,’ he shoots back through clenched teeth. ‘And would you keep it down? Lily and Jensen are sleeping.’ Giving a curt nod at the chair opposite from him, he waits for Jeff to sit down before he continues. ‘I did notice something, alright? But we don’t see each other that much. I get home from work in the afternoon, we eat, he goes to bed for a few hours, then to work. He comes back, we sleep a couple hours, have breakfast and I leave for work. Then it starts all over again. Sure, he’s looked tired but I ain’t that rested either. We got a little kid!’
‘How about the weekends, huh? You don’t see him then?’
Jared averts his gaze, stares at everything but his brother and only realizes then how spotless their kitchen actually is. How much work Jensen must put into the house on a daily basis.
‘I asked him, okay? He always says he’s fine and I...’ He breaks off. ‘Shit. I just didn’t want to get into an argument during what little time we had.’
Jeff’s gaze softens. ‘Look, it’s not like I don’t get it,’ he says. ‘But there’s a point where you can’t keep sticking your head into the ground.’
‘I know, man, and I wish I could go back…’ Sighing, Jared curls his fingers around the cup of coffee. It’s barely warm anymore but he hasn’t taken a sip, yet. He doubts he will. If he thinks back, coffee is all he ever saw Jensen consume in the morning. He always assumed he’d eat a littler later, with Lily. Looks like he was wrong.
‘There’s more,’ Jeff says.
Jared doesn’t dare to look up, just croaks a weak, ‘yeah?’
‘When was the last time you guys had sex?’
At that his eyes shoot up, wide open. ‘What?’
‘Has been awhile, hasn’t it?’ Jeff presses on. ‘Neither did you take a shower together or anything else where you got a good look at him naked, right?
He frowns, scratching his neck in discomfort. ‘Uhm, yeah, but I don’t understand what -’
‘Jensen’s got several bruises. Nothing life threatening, but enough for the doctors to suspect domestic abuse.’
‘Domestic -’ Jared’s gut clenches and bile rises in his throat. ‘I’d never.’
‘I know that. That’s why I made him talk. He gave me some bullshit excuse first, but then he fessed up.’ Jeff pauses, locking their eyes. ‘Has Jensen said anything about work lately?’
‘No. He just always says “Same old”,’ Jared mutters, but he’s pretty sure he knows where this is going. ‘They made him, right?’
Jeff nods. ‘About two weeks ago.’
‘He didn’t say anything,’ Jared says, strokes both hands over his face, before he buries it in them. ‘He didn’t say a damn thing.’ Anger boils up in him, worry and desperation.
And betrayal.
‘He didn’t tell me and tonight, he called you.’ Jared’s eyes burn when he stares at his brother. ‘Why would he call you and not me?’
Jeff shrugs, but his gaze becomes distant. ‘Man, the way he looked when I got there - I just know, if it had been me, I wouldn’t have called Sarah, either. Wouldn’t want my wife to see me like that.’
They fall silent after that. Jared gets it, but it still hurts.
‘What now?’ He asks and sinks back in his chair, wringing his hands in his lap.
‘Well, now, you’re going to go back up there and make sure you guys get some sleep. I’ll take Lily with me over the weekend.’
Jared shakes his head in protest, says, ‘No, you-’ but Jeff only holds up a hand, effectively silencing Jared. He then produces a few folded print outs from his pocket. ‘It’s a diet plan to get his strength back, so make sure Jensen sticks to it. There might be some stuff on it you gotta buy at a drug store, extra nutrition, vitamins and the likes, just so you know.’
‘Alright, okay.’ He takes the list and pins it to the fridge. The irony isn’t lost on him. For a second he can’t breathe. Then Jeff’s hand lands on his shoulder squeezing reassuringly and Jared sucks in a lungful of air.
‘It’s going to be alright, little bro, you hear me? You got away with a scare.’
‘Did we?’ Jared huffs, as he lets Jeff stir him towards the stairs. ‘What about his work? He’s so stubborn he won’t quit, but I can’t handle… if he-’
‘Don’t worry about that, for now, alright? He’s on sick leave for at least a week. I’ll see if I can pull some strings in the meantime.’
‘Why the hell does this shit have to keep happening?’ Jared groans as he heaves his body upstairs step by step. They enter Lily’s room and when Jared looks at his daughter sleeping peacefully, he thinks of Jensen with her, making her smile. ‘He doesn’t deserve any of this.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Jeff says, slinging Lily’s pre-packed travel bag over his shoulder. ‘I wish I could help you guys more, get a new investigation going, but there’s nothing I can do without new evidence.’
‘No, I know. It’s not your fault,’ Jared mutters. He turns to get a hold of some clothes for Lily and clears his throat. ‘You sure Sarah won’t mind you just showing up with Lily?’
‘Please, she adores your little girl. And Nick’s going to be happy to play big brother for a couple days.’ Jeff smiles and Jared finds himself returning it, weakly but genuine.
Jared wakes Lily gently, tries to explain to her that she’ll be going with her uncle but her eyes keep drooping and by the time they have her settled safely in Jeff’s car, she’s back to sleep. Jared’s not sure how much she’ll remember in the morning, but it’s all he can do for now. After he’s placed a peck on his baby girl’s cheek and tucked her blanket tight around her for the hundredth time, Jared turns to Jeff.
‘Thank you,’ he says, but feels like it doesn’t suffice.
Jeff shrugs it off with a smile, says, ‘don’t mention it,’ and moves to get behind the wheel.
Jared holds him back before he can and crushes him into a tight embrace. When they pull apart Jared wipes a hand over his face. Neither of them mentions the wetness on his cheeks. A nod is all they exchange, before Jeff heads off to his home.
Jared feels exhaustion crash over him and the urge to just drop down in his drive way is strong, but then he thinks of Jensen upstairs. The urge to wrap his arms around Jensen, to feel his heart beating is even stronger.
It’s been a while since he woke slowly, undisturbed by an alarm clock or noises in the house. Jared’s warmth radiates into his back and Jensen presses closer into his embrace. He keeps his eyes closed, wishing to just bask in the peacefulness a little longer.
Behind him, Jared’s breaths fan softly into his hair as he whispers, ‘hey you.’
He hums, feeling a smile stretch his lips. ‘Mornin’,’ he says, his voice still thick with sleep.
Jared chuckles and tightens his embrace. ‘More like noon.’
At that Jensen blinks his eyes open. The clock on his nightstand reads 12:23. Frowning he turns in Jared’s arms. ‘Is Lily napping, already?’ Usually she doesn’t fall asleep before one o’clock.
‘No,’ says Jared and his face grows solemn. ‘Jeff took her with him.’
‘What?’ He pushes back from Jared as his heart speeds up. ‘Why?’
‘Because we could use the rest, Jensen.’
‘You mean I could use the rest, don’t you?’ Angry, he shoves down the covers and gets out of bed.
‘You were in the hospital!’
‘I got dizzy. They were overreacting!’ He rushes into a pair of jeans and a shirt, stumbles as his vision blurs for a second then takes a deep breath and is out of the room in the next.
‘Jensen, wait! Where are you going?’ Jared calls after him.
‘To get her back!’ He shouts without slowing down.
When he’s in the Impala, just about to turn the ignition, Jared slides past the hood and rips open the passenger door. ‘Damn it! Would you stop for a second?’
‘No!’ He can’t and neither does he want to. His fingers clench around the steering wheel, foot twitching on the peddle. ‘Get in or get out, but I’m going for our daughter!’
‘Jesus!’ Jared’s barely in the seat, door not fully closed yet when Jensen speeds out of their driveway. ‘Jensen, please, calm down,’ he calls. ‘You’re seriously scaring me here!’
Jensen shoots a glance at Jared, sees the worry and fear in his eyes but all he can do is shake his head. ‘I can’t believe it,’ he says, rubbing a hand over his face. ‘I can’t believe you just gave up our daughter.’
‘You think, I - ?’ Next to him, Jared barks a humorless laugh. ‘Well, fuck you!’
They ride in silence after that. Jensen grits his teeth so hard it’s giving him a headache. He’d never thought Jared of all people would work against him in this.
Jared watches Jensen shouting and banging a fist on Jeff’s front door like a madman. All efforts to make him stop have been in vain. When he tries to grab Jensen, he gets shoved away. Jared knows that, if he really tried, he could get the upper hand but he doesn’t dare to. Jensen’s skin is ashen, clammy with sweat and stretching thin over muscles and tendons. Everything Jared has tried to blend out is thrown in his face, leaving him scared he’ll hurt Jensen. He never even thought that a possibility before.
The door suddenly flings open and Jared watches his brother nearly take a fist to the face.
‘What the hell?’ Jeff snaps.
‘Where’s my daughter?’ Jensen shouts and pushes past him.
Jeff shoots him a look and Jared opens his mouth to explain, but his brother is already after Jensen. All that’s left for Jared is to follow them. He reaches them in the living room, just when Jeff’s sending Sarah and Nick out of the room. Nick looks up at him as they pass by, eyes widened in shock and Jared has to avert his face.
‘Where is she?’ Jensen shouts, shaking with anger as he paces the room.
‘In bed, asleep, like you should be, too!’ Jeff retorts. ‘Now, would you fucking calm down?’
‘You had no right to take her. He -’ Jared flinches when Jensen points at him, ‘had no damn right to give her to you!’
‘We were just trying to help you, Jensen!’
‘I don’t need any help!’ Jensen’s up in Jeff’s face, fuming, shoving him. The next moment, Jeff’s got him slammed against the wall, pinned by his wrists. ‘Everybody needs help.’
The color drains even further from Jensen’s face. Jared tries to step in and get his brother to stop but Jeff doesn’t budge. ‘He needs to hear this and if you don’t stop touching him with silk gloves, it’ll only get worse.’
‘But-’
‘No fucking buts anymore, Jared. We told you guys it was too much.’
‘I can handle it!’ Jensen shouts.
‘Right, that’s why I had to pick you up at the hospital. That’s why I got you pinned to the wall like a convict!’
At that Jensen flinches back so hard, he knocks his head against the wall.
‘Jeff, stop it, please,’ Jared begs but his brother ignores him.
‘When you bought that house we told you it was too early. A night job, Lily, running the house and god knows what else and you never ask for help. No one can handle that.’
‘I can,’ Jensen insists, but his voice is cracking.
‘Then tell me, how much do you sleep a week, huh? How much do you eat? Tell me if the doctor’s were lying.’
Jared watches Jensen’s jaw clench and his eyes glitter with defiance. Yet, he has stopped struggling against Jeff’s hold.
‘I got a kid. I know what it’s like,’ Jeff says, calmer, his posture loosening. ‘It’s amazing but it’s also damn hard work and exhausting. And I can see all that in Jared, but what you’re doing Jensen… you’re running yourself into the ground when no one expects you to.’
The silence that falls after that is deafening. Jensen sags against the wall. The walls he built around himself crack wide open. ‘I got to be a better father.’
The words form a tight fist around Jared’s heart. ‘You are a good father, Jensen,’ he says.
‘That’s not enough, not for me!’ Jensen yells, the anger back once more. He pushes forward, strains against the hold Jeff has on him, when suddenly his legs give out on him. Jared’s at his side in the blink of an eye and Jeff releases Jensen’s wrists, grabs him under his arms instead. Together they lower him to the ground. Jensen sits back against the wall, knees drawn up. With his chin sunken against his chest, he whispers, ‘I don’t want to lose her.’ Then his face hardens and he looks right back at them. ‘I can’t lose her. I just can’t.’
‘You won’t,’ Jared says, squeezing Jensen’s shoulder reassuringly. ‘You’re a good father. Everyone can tell. You don’t have to prove any-’ Jared breaks himself off, because it’s not true. The pained look that shoots over Jensen’s face drives it home.
‘I gotta be better,’ Jensen whispers again and Jared scoots up to his side, slings an arm around him until Jensen rests against him.
‘Well,’ Jeff mutters, ‘even great dads have to ask for help sometimes.’
‘Trust me, he knows,’ says a female voice, making their heads snap up in unison. Sarah’s standing in the door, Lily on her arm. ‘There’s someone here to see you,’ she says softly, and Jared watches his daughter stretch out a chubby hand towards them. Her hair is still messy and her eyes are not fully alert, yet, sleep still lingering in the corners, but she’s smiling and Jared’s smiling in return before he even notices it.
‘Will you let me hold her?’ Jensen asks, his gravely voice unusually subdued.
Sarah chuckles. ‘She’s your daughter, sweetie. But we better move this to the couch, don’t you think?’
He nods and Jared helps him back onto his feet. When he’s settled on the couch, Jared gently takes Lily from his sister-in-law and tugs her against his chest. ‘Hey, Lily,’ he says, softly. ‘Did you sleep tight?’ She feels incredibly small and light in his arms, but seeing her blink up at him from wide, trusting eyes, he knows she possesses a strength neither he nor Jensen do. She’s their warmth and their light and maybe that’s too much to put onto a toddler but he also knows she holds all the power over them.
He’ll do anything for her. And he’s certain Jensen will too.
He sits down next to Jensen and it reminds him of the first day he brought Lily home. How shy Jensen was to touch her, how stunned he looked that she was real - that he had a daughter. But she taught him to have faith again.
Now, she’s standing on Jared’s thigh, leaning on his chest while he gently supports her with a hand and he gets the feeling they’re going to learn something again. Lily’s looking at Jensen, and Jared’s got his other hand on Jensen’s thigh, feels the tension under his palm. Then Lily says, ‘Me and Nick play. You sleep,’ as gravely as a toddler can, almost scolding and Jared has to suppress a laugh. Over Lily’s head he sees Sarah clap an amused hand over her mouth and Jeff averts his face on a chuckle.
Jensen’s eyes however grow comically wide. ‘I…’
‘Sleep,’ Lily says.
Jensen swallows audibly, but eventually he nods and a tentative smile spreads on his face. ‘Yeah, okay.’
‘Good,’ she says, leans forward and grabs for Jensen’s face. She plants a messy kiss on his cheek, says, ‘night, Dad,’ and starts climbing down their legs until she’s standing on the floor.
‘I play now, Daddy?’
Jared has to tear his gaze from Jensen’s dumbfound expression. Grinning he ruffles her hair. ‘Yes, you can go and play.’
Sarah hunches down at her side then and takes her hand. ‘Come on, Lily, let’s see what Nick is doing.’ They watch the two leave, then turn to look at Jeff, eyebrows raised.
‘I had to tell her why she woke up here, alright?’ He shrugs. ‘In a child appropriate version, of course. I didn’t tell her about the hospital, just that you were really tired and would come get her later.’
‘Oh, okay. I guess,’ Jensen says.
‘So, you gonna at least listen to your daughter if you won’t listen to the doctors?’ Jeff asks and Jared shoots Jensen a pointed look.
There’s a second Jared thinks Jensen’s still going to protest. But then Jensen drops his head and stares at the hands in his lap. ‘I guess I’m pretty beat.’
It’s the understatement of the year. Jared doesn’t voice that thought, though. He’s definitely not without blame in that matter. But he’ll do his best to make it up to him. ‘Let’s go home,’ he says and gives Jensen’s neck a gentle squeeze.
Jensen nods then looks up at Jeff. ‘You-’
‘I’ll take care of her and I’ll bring her back tomorrow afternoon. Sooner if she’s insisting. I promise.’
‘Alright,’ Jensen finally agrees and Jared takes a relieved breath.
On their drive home, Jensen sinks deep into the passenger side, pale face resting against the window. ‘I’m sorry,’ he says.
‘It’s okay.’
‘No. It’s not.’ Jensen exhales a deep breath and fogs the glass in front of him. ‘I shouldn’t have said the things I did. I know you wouldn’t give her up.’
‘Wouldn’t give up neither of you,’ he says, quietly.
Jensen watches him silently, expressionless until a smile tugs fleetingly at one corner of his mouth. His eyes drop down then and he picks at a hole in his jeans before he digs his fingers into his thighs.
‘I know,’ he says, ‘but please, don’t ever let someone - even if it’s just your brother - take her without talking to me first.’ He pauses and Jared glances at him, about to respond but the look on Jensen’s face tells him he’s not finished yet. A moment passes then Jensen rubs a hand over his eyes. ‘Every morning when I wake up, there’s a moment when I’m afraid to open my eyes, because-’ Jensen’s voice cracks and he inhales shakily, eyes fixed on something outside the window. ‘Because I’m expecting to see the walls of a prison.’
The pain in Jensen’s voice hits him like a punch in the gut. It’s not like Jared forgot about Jensen’s past, but he doesn’t have the memories. To him it’s just a small grain in a pretty picture, so tiny it soon became simply part of the whole.
‘She’s my miracle,’ Jensen whispers and Jared reaches over, places a hand gingerly over Jensen’s and squeezes it reassuringly. Pointy knuckles dig into his palm but he doesn’t let go.
Back home, Jared tries to send him to bed.
‘I’m not tired,’ he retorts. He’s exhausted, but he’s still too wired, nerves wound too tight to think of sleep.
Jared pulls him in by the shirt then, until he has to look up, and chuckles. ‘Now I know where Lily got that sentence from.’
‘Shut up,’ he mutters but lets his head flop against Jared’s chest. ‘I’ll rest okay? I’m just not up for sleeping.’
‘Couch?’ Jared asks and Jensen nods.
‘Yeah. Thought maybe we could watch a movie together?’
‘Sounds good.’
Letting Jared smother him with blankets and pillows wasn’t part of the plan. He humors him anyway. Besides, it does feel nice. Jensen knew he missed Jared’s touch, but it’s only when Jared gently brushes a hand through his hair that he realizes how much he’d actually been craving it.
He closes his eyes and chases after it when Jared pulls back. With a sigh he blinks them back open and they land on Jared’s sad smile. He attempts to pull a hand out from his cocoon, to reach out and comfort and whispers, ‘hey, Jay, don’t-,’ but Jared just shakes his head.
‘I’m going to make us something to eat.’
‘Coffee?’ He asks, hopeful. It earns him a grin.
‘I don’t think that’s on your diet plan. Or anything else with caffeine, for that matter.’
A groan works its way up his throat. ‘You’re kidding.’
‘Afraid not,’ Jared retorts. ‘Which is probably the one good thing to come from this: you getting off your coffee addiction.’
‘I’m not addicted,’ he protests.
Jared turns on the TV and says, ‘sure, pumpkin,’ like he always does when Jensen says something Jared considers stupid.
‘I hate you, you know?’
Jared chuckles and leaves for the kitchen. ‘Still do when I make waffles and omelets?’
He tilts his head in consideration then calls, ‘better check the stupid list first before making promises!’
There’s a pause before Jared’s voice echoes from the kitchen. ‘We’re good.’
‘Then I love you,’ he shouts.
Jared’s laugh reaches him, a soothing sound he hasn’t heard in too long and he leans back with a smile. He glances at the TV as he stretches out on the couch. A lot of the earlier tension has left him. He misses Lily already, the house too quiet, but he’d be lying if he were to say that Jeff didn’t have a point. It’s nice to have some down time alone with Jared, again.
He sighs, tugs the blanket that smells like Jared a little tighter around himself and decides to rest his eyes. Just until Jared’s finished with breakfast. Or lunch. Brunch maybe… they should make some time, invite people over and…
‘Hey.’ Someone is gently shaking his shoulder. He blinks a few times, waits for his eyes to adjust until he realizes it’s actually darker.
‘How long did I sleep?’ He yawns then shifts so Jared can slide in beside him.
‘Uh… about 4 hours,’ Jared says, resting a plate full of smashed potatoes, grilled chicken and peas in his lap before he hands Jensen a glass of orange juice.
‘4 hours?’ He gasps. ‘Why didn’t you wake me?’
‘Why did you call Jeff instead of me from the hospital?’
Taking a sip he shrugs uncomfortably and stares at the juice in his hands. ‘Didn’t want to disturb you and Lily.’
‘There you go,’ Jared says. ‘Would have let you sleep longer, but you gotta eat something, so…’ he trails off, picks up the meal and a fork. ‘Open up.’
‘You’re going to feed me?’ He eyes first Jared then the plate skeptically. ‘All of it?’
‘I’ll feed you, but only as much as you feel comfortable with. Overeating after undernourishment can make things worse.’
‘You did some research, on this, didn’t you?’ Jensen sighs, accepting the first bite.
‘Sue me,’ Jared dead pans.
‘Nah, it’s kinda nice having you at my call like this.’
‘You know,’ Jared says, growing solemn. ‘I’m going to do more chores from now on, and I want you to tell me if I don’t do enough.’
‘Jared-’ he starts, but Jared cuts him off with a shake of his head.
‘No. Listen to me. I don’t want to be one of those guys who come home from work, disgruntled and expecting food on the table, okay? I don’t want you to hate me one day for becoming that guy.’ He pauses, bites his teeth as if unsure whether to continue or not. Then he locks their eyes and says, ‘I don’t want to use you, Jensen. I don’t want to be Chris.’ He’s dead serious, maybe even a little scared and Jensen startles. ‘I want to be with you, Jensen.’
He swallows around a lump, then nods. He wants that, too. The problem is he doesn’t know how.
A week later, Jensen is feeling better. Jared took good care of him. The downside is he’s got to get back to work soon. More than once Jared tried to talk him into quitting his current job, but it was hard enough to get in the first place. He isn’t going back to sifting through job applications and risk months on end without income. They can’t pay the mortgage and sustain a decent living solely on Jared’s salary as a teacher.
On his last day of sick leave, it’s his turn to put Lily to bed. He does his best not to let his gloomy thoughts invade their time. He reads her a story, a second and then another and sits with her long after she’s fallen asleep. She looks peaceful, carefree and Jensen defers leaving the room and facing the world as long as he can. Eventually, Jared pops his head in and motions him to come out.
In the hallway, Jared waves the phone under his nose. A silly grin is spreading his lips and Jensen cocks his eyebrows in question.
‘Jeff’s got you a new job,’ Jared says, unable to hold back.
‘Seriously?’ He calls, hopeful.
‘It’s awesome,’ Jared says and Jensen takes the phone from him.
‘Hey, man,’ he greets. ‘What’s that about you getting me a new job?’
‘Depends. How do you feel about being a night porter?’
Chapter 3: T Minus 1 Year