Not Waving But Drowning - Chapter 3: T Minus 1 Year

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T Minus 1 Year



‘Alright, guys, that’s it for today.’

Jared smacks the book shut with a smile. He’s glad to see his own expression mirrored on the twenty-eight teenagers when they pass by him with a ‘bye, Mr P.’

After the last one has left, Jared slouches in his chair and takes a deep breath. He thinks about calling Jensen before he starts correcting homework when there’s a knock on the door frame.

He looks up, expecting one of his students with a question but instead it’s Jensen leaning against the door frame. ‘Hey, Mr P.,’ he says, a smirk playing on his lips.

‘Hey, guys,’ Jared laughs and catches Lily around the hips when she runs up to him. He lifts her up onto his thighs and smiles at Jensen. ‘What are you doing here?’

Jensen shrugs and holds up a greasy take out bag. ‘Thought we could have lunch together.’

‘I see you brought the good stuff,’ Jared laughs.

‘There’s salad in there. On there. Somewhere,’ Jensen says. ‘I think.’ He drops the bag on the teacher’s desk and pulls up a chair. ‘Don’t worry, I brought extra food for Lily.’

It’s only when Jensen hands him the prepared meal for their daughter and Jared has to lean in that he spots the dark circles underneath Jensen’s eyes.

‘You okay?’ He asks.

Jensen nods. ‘Yeah,’ he says, smiling faintly. ‘Little tired.’

Jared waits and Jensen sighs, rubs a hand through his hair. ‘I just… I needed some adult conversation. I’ve seen like a handful of people the entire week, never got past hello and goodbye and today Lily’s been all over the place.’ He exhales, wearily.

‘I drawed,’ Lily says, holding her fingers up.

Jared can spot some left over paint under her finger nails. ‘Really, you drew something? That’s great sweetie.’

‘She drew on the wall,’ Jensen clarifies.

‘Oh.’

‘Yeah.’ He sighs. ‘I was starting to climb the walls, man.’

‘Sorry,’ Jared mutters.

Jensen shrugs it off. ‘Not your fault.’

He can’t help but feel like it is, though. With a sad smile he reaches out and hauls Jensen in over the desk to press a soft kiss to his lips. They linger like this for a moment, before Jared slowly lets go again.

‘I’ll try to make it back early, today,’ Jared says, softly.

‘I’d like that,’ Jensen says. When the atmosphere starts to turn too heavy, he clears his throat and opens the take-out bag. ‘I don’t know about you, but I’m starving.’

They share the burgers and fries between them and, when the greasy taste explodes on Jared’s tongue, he’s got to admit it was a pretty awesome idea. ‘Dude,’ he groans. Lily imitates the sound as she pushes a spoon between her lips.

Jensen starts laughing so hard he has to set down the food he’s holding. Jared smiles at the sound. He missed it.

‘So what did you do, other than painting the walls?’ He asks, after a while.

Jensen’s smile falters. He shrugs. ‘Stuff.’

‘Stuff?’

‘Yeah, you know. The usual. Chores and grocery shopping.’

‘I wanted a sucker,’ Lily says. Her pout tells Jared that she didn’t get one.

‘They didn’t have any suitable for a toddler,’ Jensen says, like he has to defend himself. ‘She bawled her eyes out when I didn’t buy any. The other customers looked at me like I was a-’ He breaks himself off. ‘Damn,’ he curses and pinches the bridge of his nose.

‘Jensen…’

He starts but Jensen waves him off and asks, ‘so, how was your day?’

Jared thinks about pushing the issue, but Jensen’s eyes beg him to change the topic. So he swallows the words and instead tells him about the math project he’s working on and the upcoming challenge he’s preparing his students for. And of course he tells Jensen about the pile of homework he’s still got to correct. With a laugh, Jensen pulls some of the papers towards him. He seems to just skim through them but Jared can tell from the look in Jensen’s eyes that his mind is actually working on the math problems.

Eventually, Jensen sets them back down, glancing up at him, clearly impressed. ‘These are quite hard for a seventh grade, yet your students hardly made any severe mistakes. You’re a great teacher, Jared.’ He says it with a smile but there’s a hint of sadness tingeing his word. Before Jared can reply, the bell chimes, signaling the start of the next period.

‘We better get going,’ Jensen says and takes Lily by the hand. ‘See you later.’

Jared holds him back in the door. Leaning in, he asks quietly, ‘you’re taking your pills, aren’t you?’

‘Yeah,’ Jensen huffs with an eye roll. ‘Not that you leave me any choice…’ He’s clearly trying for a light tone, but he can’t quite keep the frustration from his voice.

‘Come on,’ Jared says. ‘Don’t be like that. They help.’

Jensen holds out his hands. Surprised, Jared notes they’re trembling. ‘The fuck they help, barely do more than take the edge off. Make me all twitchy and shit…’

‘I know,’ Jared admits, gently straightening out Jensen’s shirt. ‘But you also know what happened the last time you went off your meds, don’t you? I couldn’t get you out of bed for three days.’

‘I know,’ Jensen sighs, rasping a hand over his chin. ‘But I’m getting more and more wired up, lately. Shit, I don’t even know why.’

Jared knows, or can take a good guess anyway. It started a little while after Jensen got the new job, when he started sitting alone behind a desk all the time. He’s got no outlet anymore. Hell, Jared can’t even remember the last time Jensen went to play some baseball or, at the very least, sat down with a challenging read.

Worried, Jared watches after him long after Jensen’s out of sight.



A little to his own surprise, admittedly, Jared indeed does make it home early. And almost stumbles over two pairs of dirty shoes in the hallway.

‘Jensen?’ He calls.

‘Upstairs,’ comes the suppressed reply.

Shedding his jacket, bag and shoes, he makes his way upstairs and finds Jensen in the bathroom. Grass streaks mar the knees of his jeans and he’s got fingerprints of dirt on his face. But he seems to be in a good mood, stance relaxed as he takes off his dirty clothes.

‘You’re back just in time,’ Jensen smirks. ‘I was just about to take a shower. Care to join me?’

So, Jensen is in a better than a good mood and Jared doesn’t have to be told twice. Chuckling, he begins undressing himself and asks, ‘What happened? Where is Lily?’

‘In her room, watching The Little Mermaid,’ he says. ‘We just got back from the playground. There was some church fair or something, and they had all these games set up for kids and Lily insisted on doing each one. Twice,’ he laughs. ‘But we even won some stuff. Mostly little toys, but one booth sold some wine - you know, breaking bread and all that - and the lady who sold it gave me a nice bottle for free.’

‘Yeah?’ Jared smiles. ‘Was she hot?’

‘In a totally non-sexual way - yes,’ he laughs. ‘Damn hot.’

‘Hotter than me?’ Jared grins, stepping out of his pants and taking a step towards Jensen. He rests his hands on Jensen’s hips and pulls him closer, watching Jensen’s Adam’s apple bob around a swallow.

‘Geez,’ Jensen says. ‘In a totally sexual - no, any way possible, you’re the fuckin’ hottest person ever.’

Jared chuckles. ‘Thought so.’ He brings their mouths together in a kiss. Jensen’s lips are a little chapped, but it’s not too bad and when Jensen rests his hands on Jared’s back and the swell of his behind, Jared forgets all about it.

Jensen slowly walks them backwards to the tub, erections filling as they rub against each other in sweet, lazy friction. The climb into the tub is a little awkward, but they manage and take a second to pull the curtain closed and turn on the water to gloss over the moment. When the warm water starts raining down on their bodies, they find each other again.

For a while it’s all gentle hands, exploring planes of heated skin, only teasing the dark, seductive places as they leave their tongues to dance a passionate tango. Eventually, Jensen pulls back, trailing kisses down to the sensitive spot beneath Jared’s ear. But instead of lingering there, Jensen takes the soft flesh of his earlobe between his teeth and gives it a tug.

‘Turn around,’ he whispers, huskily and Jared shivers. Obeying in heated anticipation, Jared faces the wall and plants his hands for support on the tiles, feeling the water cascade down his back. The sensation is joined and amplified tenfold by Jensen’s hands and soon he can’t tell the difference. It feels like Jensen is touching him everywhere. His cock starts leaking pre-come and he knows he’s ready, ready for whatever Jensen is planning.

Distracted, it takes him a moment to realize the tickle between his cheeks is not water, but Jensen’s hands as they spread them apart. Soon, a push against his opening follows. Thicker than just one finger and he glances around.

‘Want you Jared,’ Jensen whispers, leaning forward and kissing him between the shoulder blades. ‘Can I?’

‘Lube?’ Jared croaks, equally anticipating the rough burn and worrying about it lasting longer than the pleasure.

Jensen nods against him, reaching around and Jared feels a hand, slick with waterproof lube wrap around his cock, stroking it leisurely. Oh, what the hell, he thinks, it’s the weekend. Screw a sore ass.

‘Okay,’ he pants, hips jerking forward, then back against Jensen’s cock. ‘Do it.’

‘Thanks,’ Jensen mutters, and that almost kills Jared’s mood again. If it weren’t for Jensen clinging to him, holding him tight as his cock pushes forward, slowly breaching him, Jared would have called it off.

If they were trying something new that Jared was suspicious off, he’d be okay with Jensen thanking him afterwards, but right now he hates that Jensen feels the need to thank him. It’s like Jensen still doesn’t see this as mutual. As if Jared is doing him a favor instead of being on board because he likes it, too.

Sometimes Jared is certain that Jensen’s the only one who doesn’t know that Jared doesn’t just like it, but loves it; loves feeling Jensen inside him. Their former neighbors sure did know, if their awkward glances and greetings the day after he’d been especially loud in bed are anything to go by.

It doesn’t take long before he comes, hard. He doesn’t hold back when a scream and Jensen’s name roll of his tongue, as his load splatters the tiles and Jensen’s fills him with warmth. When Jensen starts to pull back, threatens to slip out, Jared flings back an arm. ‘Wait,’ he pants, holding Jensen in place. ‘Stay. Just a sec… Please.’ He’s breathing heavily, resting his forehead against the wall but at least Jensen has stilled.

Jared can feel him start to soften. And not just Jensen’s dick inside him, but also some of the tension Jensen held over the past few weeks. Jensen’s weight is pressing against his back, getting heavier by the second but Jared doesn’t care. He likes it, likes how Jensen has snuck a hand around him, resting it over his heart.

Standing like this, they keep each other upright.



Jared watches Jensen. Still toweling off his wet hair, he’s leaning against the doorframe, while Jensen is stretched out on their bed. He’s snoring softly and a lopsided smile tugs at Jared’s lips.

Adjusting the phone against his ear, he pushes off the frame when the call connects.

‘Hello?’

‘Hey, J.D. It’s Jared.’

‘Hey, Jared. How’s it going?’

Exhaling wearily, Jared flops down on the couch in the living room. ‘Fine,’ he says after a moment. ‘How about you?’

‘Same old.’ J.D. pauses. A loaded silence rises up and Jared knows he took too long to answer J.D. before. And sure enough, J.D. inquires, ‘So. You wanna tell me what’s really going on? You’re too…subdued for this to be just a social call.’

‘You already know me that well, huh?’ Jared stalls.

‘Looks like it, boy,’ J.D. says. He doesn’t continue and Jared knows it’s either his turn to talk or to hang up.

‘It’s complicated,’ Jared mumbles, eventually. ‘I think.’

‘This about you and Jensen?’

‘Yeah. He feels so distant at times… And… And at other times he really pisses me off,’ Jared rushes out. From the huff on the other end he can tell Jeff didn’t expect that.

Then Jeff prompts, ‘but?’ and it’s Jared’s turn to be baffled.

‘You really know me,’ he states.

‘Yeah, well, Jensen’s stories gave me a pretty vivid picture of you even before we personally met,’ Jeff chuckles. ‘And afterwards even more.’ He pauses and when he continues, his voice is solemn. ‘The guy loves you with all he’s got, you know that, right Jared? The things he would - that he did and does for you and Lily-’

‘I know,’ Jared interrupts him. ‘That’s just it. He… Sometimes I think Jensen doesn’t get that I love him back just as much.’ He breaks off to take a deep breath before he goes on. ‘Sometimes I fear that no amount of reassuring will make him understand.’

J.D. stays quiet on the other end, but his silence speaks volumes. ‘So, I’m going to do something for him. Something as big as him getting this house for me.’

‘He didn’t get the house just for you,’ Jeff says, but it’s weak.

‘He insisted on buying one so soon because of me. Because of the way I dreamed of living in one,’ Jared says, matter-of-factly. ‘And I shouldn’t have let him. I should have been reasonable and insisted that we wait. But we didn’t and we’re here, now. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to go back - I want to make this work. And for that, I have to give him something back. I just have to.’ He sighs, rubbing a hand over his face. ‘He’s losing himself, J.D. I thought if we’re together he could become the man he was supposed to be, but instead that man is drifting away further because of me.’

J.D. exhales wearily. ‘Alright. What did you have in mind, kiddo?’



It’s two hours into the new year as Jared waits for Jensen to close the door after the last of their guests have left. Except for J.D. they’re still only friends and family that he introduced to Jensen. They have become as much Jensen’s friends as they are his, but Jared still feels a small pang of sadness at the thought. He hopes his plan is going to change that, to get Jensen out and give him the opportunity to make friends of his own.

‘Jared?’ Jensen smiles softly as he turns around. ‘You okay?’

‘Sure.’ He shakes himself from his stupor and returns the smile. ‘Just enjoying the view.’

Jensen’s smile turns smug and he steps closer. ‘That so?’ He asks. ‘Well, luckily Lily is already asleep, so what do you say we go upstairs, run a bath and you know…?’

‘Hmm, sounds good.’ He pulls Jensen in with one hand, but keeps the other behind his back, holding on tight to a thick envelope that he carefully sealed shut again. When he doesn’t move his arm as Jensen sags against him, Jensen picks up on it. ‘What’s that?’ He asks, rasping a casual hand over his stubble as if he isn’t as curious as the glimmer in his eyes says he is.

‘Nothing,’ he says, grinning.

‘Okay,’ Jensen drawls, ‘whatever,’ but one of his hands tries to sneak around Jared.

‘Hey,’ he calls and holds it out of reach on a laugh. Jensen makes a grab for it but freezes mid-movement.

‘Isn’t that a college emblem?’ He asks then turns wide eyes and a big smile at him. ‘Shit. They hired you as a professor, didn’t they?’

Jared laughs and shakes his head. ‘No. I’m perfectly fine where I am, dealing with my well behaved teens. You on the other hand…’ he trails off and holds the envelope out.

Reluctantly, Jensen takes it and skims the printing on the front. ‘Why is it addressed to me?’

‘Well, you see a few months ago, I called J.D. We talked and… And well, I asked him about your SATs. The ones you took on a whim after you got released from prison?’

It seems to hit Jensen then and he stumbles backwards, one hand reaching out to grab onto the wall for support. ‘Holy fuck. You applied to college in my name?’

‘Yep.’

‘But the fees. How-’

‘All taken care of,’ he says. Stepping up to Jensen he claps his hands on Jensen’s shoulders. ‘My parents, your uncle, Jeff and Sarah, they all said to think of it as your Christmas and birthday presents for the next couple of years. Of course I’ll help, too.’

'But how? We can't afford-'

Jared places a finger over his lips, smiling. 'Shut up and listen, okay? I got a raise now that I passed my probation years, the mortgage got lowered and I went through our papers to check where we can cut back on expenses. With that and the support of our family, you can even quit your job,' Jared finishes excitedly. 'Trust me, it's working out!'

‘No,’ Jensen says, shaking his head wildly. ‘I can’t accept that. They can’t do that. I-’

Jared cuts him off by pulling him tight against his chest. Between them he can feel Jensen’s knuckles jab into his torso, hands still clutching hard onto the envelope. ‘Yes, they can,’ he whispers into Jensen’s neck. ‘And they will. And you know why? Because you deserve it, Jensen.’

‘I-’ Jensen glances up and down between them and the envelope. Then his eyes widen. ‘But Lily-’

‘I got her a pre-school spot, like we agreed she would when she’s three. She starts in a few months. Until then I’m taking paternity leave.’ When Jensen starts to open his mouth in protest, Jared silences him with a finger. ‘It’s all cool, I promise.’

‘Fuck,’ Jensen gasps and he’s shaking badly when he winds his arms around Jared, fingers digging into his shoulder blades. Jared holds on until Jensen pulls back. ‘Thank you,’ Jensen says hoarsely and kisses him. ‘Thank you, fuck, I don’t even -’ Another kiss. ‘Thank you.’

‘You’re welcome,’ he smiles

‘Fuck.’ Jensen laughs and wipes the hand that’s still clutching the envelope over his eyes. ‘I can’t believe this.’

‘You better do.’ He tangles a hand in Jensen’s shirt and pulls him in close again. Softly, he seeks Jensen’s lips for a kiss then, as they rest their foreheads together. Content to just share the same air, he says, ‘Happy New Year, Jensen.’

Chapter 4: T Minus 9 Months