Not Waving But Drowning - Chapter 6: T Minus Zero

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T Minus Zero



‘So, how are things at home?’

It’s been two weeks since the barbeque from hell and a week since classes started in the new semester. Jason and he are on their way to a Technical Drawing class.

‘Same old,’ Jensen sighs. ‘Jared is still tip-toeing around me, which is getting a little annoying. Our neighbors are keeping their distance, as I expected. No front yard small talk anymore but at least I’m still getting a polite “hello”.’ He pauses and shrugs, trying to look nonchalant but doesn’t feel like he succeeds. ‘No neighborhood watch has been organized, yet, though, so there’s that.’ He wrings an ironic smile from his lips.

‘There’s that,’ Jason says, huffing. He claps him on the shoulder and squeezes once. ‘Don’t give up hope. Things will sort out over time. It’ll be okay.’

‘Yeah, I don’t know,’ Jensen says. ‘Easier said than done. Besides, up to now, things have gotten worse over time…’

‘Come on, don’t be -’

But Jensen doesn’t get the rest of that anymore. He has run smack into somebody. The impact makes him lose his balance and he lands hard on his ass, a numbing pain shooting up his spine. His bag turns up side down and books and papers tumble to the ground around him.

‘Watch where you’re going, asshole!’ The guy shouts, hastily clambering back to his feet and Jensen looks up, apology ready on his tongue. It dies when he gets a good view of the young man. He’s of a slightly chubby stature, the kind that comes from being well fed rather than lack of exercise. His clothes are from costly labels and the black, wavy hair cut looks just as expensive. The look in the guy’s chocolate brown eyes is that of a spoiled brat who always gets his way.

Jensen knows those eyes. He knows the shape of the cheekbones, the line of the guy’s nose, the little mole on his chin.

He knows that face. It’s one he’ll never forget. Not even after 13 years.

‘Brian,’ he croaks. The guy frowns at him, halting in his turn to move on and looks at him, really looks at him for the first time. His hands close tightly around his bag strap when realization seems to set in for him, as well. Eyes narrowing he straightens up and looks down on him.

‘Jenny, was it?’ He snorts. ‘The fuck are you doing here?’

Before he can voice a retort, a group of guys and girls in equally expensive outfits call out for Brian. ‘You coming or what?’

With a last look of disgust, Brian steps over him and Jensen watches after him, not believing his eyes as the kid catches up with his friends.

‘The hell was that?’ Jason calls, dumbfounded as he helps Jensen collect his stuff. Jensen’s still staring dumbly after Brian, when one guy of the group says something and nods in his direction. Jensen can’t hear the question, but he can hear the reply. Brian is making sure of it, sending him a glare, as he says, loudly, ‘Some fucking faggot. Hoped he had gotten himself killed like he deserves, but it looks like it’s true what they say about cock-sucking-roaches.’

‘That,’ Jensen says, grinding his teeth as he lets Jason steer him away. ‘That’s the little fuck that ruined my life.’



Later, when Jensen returns home he dumps his bag with a frustrated kick into a corner.

‘Jesus,’ Jared says, head popping out of the kitchen. ‘You startled me.’

‘Sorry,’ he says, listlessly and slumps into a chair.

Jared leans back against the stove, one eye on the dinner he’s cooking. From the smell of it, it is Jensen’s favorite. Sucks that he’s lost his appetite.

‘Something wrong?’ Jared asks.

He huffs a sarcastic laugh. ‘What’s wrong is that this fucking world is too fucking small.’ He cards a hand through his hair. ‘I’m starting to believe the damn thing really doesn’t want me in it.’



How he got out of bed the next morning is beyond Jensen. If the surprised slash slightly skeptical look on Jared’s face was any indication, he wasn’t alone in that wonderment.

But as Jared had pointed out the evening before, if he lets Brian ruin this new part of his life again, it’s his own damn fault. Besides, he has attended college for an entire semester without running into Brian. The likelihood of him running into Brian two days in a row seems, relatively speaking, rather low.

So Jensen got up. He got dressed. He shaved. He told his reflection that he ain’t a scared teenager anymore. He told his daughter that he loved her and to behave at pre-school. He told Jared that he loved him and not to worry about him.

Jensen told him that he was going to be fine.

Turns out he isn’t going to be. And he’s never going to be fine again.

When he arrives on campus, people move out of his way. They clear a path for him. They stop and stare. At first he doesn’t notice. Then someone he never saw before calls him a sick bastard. Something is off, but he’s got no idea what or why.

Slowly, he takes the least frequented way until he reaches the building where his first class takes place. In the foyer, he spots Jason standing in front of the notice board along with a dozen other students.

‘What is it?’ He asks, stopping just behind the group. He already dreads the answer, when everyone turns at his words, eyes hardening when they land on him. And that’s when he sees it.

His eighteen year old self stares back at him from the newspaper article of his arrest. Jensen freezes. The world around him loses all color except for the red highlighted passages in the article, speaking of child abuse. In the same stark red someone scribbled Faggot and Pedophile across the article and his face.



Around him, the whispering starts.

‘That’s him, isn’t it?’

‘Yes, I think so.’

‘He’s in my technical drawing class…’

The comments gain in intensity until they settle on one general statement: ‘What a sick fuck.’

‘No!’ He shouts and rips the newspaper article of the board. ‘This isn’t happening! This isn’t-’

Jason stops his hand from tearing into the paper any further. ‘They’re up everywhere, dude. Someone even pasted them to the walls.’

‘What?’ Jensen gasps for air, staring in a round of repulsed faces. Only Jason shows an expression of compassion. ‘You better leave right he fuck now,’ he says, quietly. ‘This won’t end well.’

‘No, no, no! It’s not true, I didn’t -’ He stumbles backwards, but there’s no escape. His face, his story is everywhere.

‘Of course it’s true.’ Brian strolls around a corner, face pulled into a sneer. ‘You are a sick, disgusting faggot, aren’t you?’

‘No, I -’

‘No? You’re denying you got yourself a boyfriend?’

‘No, but-’

‘And a cute little girl, too,’ Brian says, waving a picture of him, Jared and Lily. Jensen’s breath catches in his throat.

‘It’s amazing what you can find online.’ Brian says. ‘Better tell your friends to watch the stuff they upload on facebook.’ He sighs, then points at Lily. ‘Bet you wished she’d been a boy? Or do you not care if they’re still this young?’

‘Shut up!’ He screams and charges at Brian. But three of his friends catch him and hold him back.

They force him down on his knees and Brian’s purely disguised expression of glee looms over him. ‘Are you doing it to her?’ He shouts, making sure everyone is listening as he plays the situation. ‘Are you doing to her what you did to me?’

‘You lying little piece of shit! You-’

Brian back slaps him across the face so hard his lip splits open. Jensen can taste his own blood when Brian screams, ‘I was eight years old!’

‘Stop it!’ Jason shouts.

An ice cold silence falls over the hallway. Jensen blinks up from a haze of pain at the self-satisfied smirk on Brian’s face that only he can see. Brian’s shoulders straighten and he’s obviously gearing up for the next act, when from behind the crowd around them the voices of teachers and security reach them.

Clearly pissed that his little show got interrupted so soon, Brian steps close. ‘This time, I’ll make sure you’ll really get what you deserve.’ With a sudden move, his knee rams right into Jensen’s groin. ‘You’ll wish you had died in prison.’

His vision is blurry, as Brian nods and Jensen drops to the ground. A pair of arms wrap around him, before he hurts himself anymore. It’s Jason. ‘Come on, we gotta get you outta here, buddy.’

‘I did nothing wrong,’ Jensen croaks.

‘I know,’ Jason says, pulling him back on his feet. ‘But right now, this is about to turn into a lynch fest.’

Gritting his teeth, Jensen nods and together, they stumble and shoulder their way outside and away from the authorities.

At the entry to the campus, Jensen’s ears are still ringing and his head is spinning. After he has tripped over his own feet for the third time, Jason makes him sit down on a bench. ‘Wait, here,’ he says. ‘I’m gonna get my car.’

While Jensen waits, he stares dazedly into the distance. He brings a hand up, pinches himself. But he doesn’t wake up.

A group of students walk past him. They’re headed for the small store just outside the college grounds, talking animatedly with each other. It could be every other day, but Jensen catches snippets of their conversation.

‘He looks so nice on the picture, I never would have thought…’ A girl says.

‘I think I have classes with him,’ a guy says. ‘And the guy who helped him.’

‘Think the other is in on it?’ Another guy asks.

‘I heard he has a kid.’

‘Who would do that?’

‘Sick sons of bitches…’

His gut churning Jensen watches and listens to the group. Then suddenly one of the guys stops to light himself a cigarette and his eyes fall on him. They grow wide. ‘Hey,’ he calls, waving his friends over. ‘That’s him, isn’t it?’

The students step closer to him, eyeing him warily. One, wearing a football jersey, grows bold and comes closer than the rest of them. ‘Dude,’ he says.

Jensen wearily glances up at him. ‘Just leave me alone.’

Jersey-guy snorts. ‘Like you left those kids alone?’

Jensen wraps his arms tightly around his stomach. Staring at the ground, he grits, ‘Shut up.’

‘I just wanna know if you give your sick friends freebies. Bet your lover is in on it, too. Or is she just some kind of kiddy factory?’ He flicks his wrists, imitating a woman’s voice he says, ‘oh, no officer, I never did not see no one fuck our cutie pie.’

‘I said shut up!’ Jensen jumps to his feet. He grabs onto Jersey guy’s collar, but the guy shoves him off. Before Jensen can move back in for another attack, the guy is flanked by his friends.

‘What are you gonna do, huh?’ Jersey guy taunts him. ‘You wanna fight? Come on!’

Balling his fists at his side, Jensen shakes his head. ‘No.’ He doesn’t want to fight. He never wanted to. All he wants is to be left alone.

‘That’s what I thought,’ Jersey guy sneers. ‘Fucking coward.’ He kicks the ground and sends dust and sharp pebbles flying at Jensen when he shouts, ‘why don’t you go do the world a favor and fucking kill yourself?’

Another shove that sends Jensen stumbling and turning. For the second time in two weeks, he tries to out run his past.

This time, he knows it’s futile.



Jared’s right in between classes when he gets the phone call from Jason. He almost doesn’t answer, but the entire morning he’s already had that same weird feeling he had when his brother had brought Jensen in from the hospital.

What he hears almost makes him drop his phone. Then he drops everything else. He doesn’t organize a substitute teacher. He doesn’t tell anybody that he leaves. He doesn’t care that he might lose his job. All he cares about at that moment is that he is about to lose the love of his life.



When Jared arrives at the scene - the very same bridge he found Jensen at before - a crowd has already gathered. The police have barricaded the street and an EMT truck is standing by.

He has to force his way through the body of bystanders, all craning their heads and cell phones, trying to get a glimpse. Then he breaks through.

‘Jensen,’ he shouts, eyes falling on his partner. Once more, Jensen’s leaning against the metal banister, looking devastated and lost. This time though, he’s on the other side, arms braced behind him and the abyss gaping in front of him.

Hands hold Jared back when he tries to get to him. Then Jason is there, saying something to the uniformed man that’s standing in his way and finally the guy lets him go closer. They start trying to hold him back once more, just as he’s only mere yards away, but the thing that freezes him is when Jensen suddenly shouts, ‘stop!’

‘Jensen, what are you doing?’ He calls, trying for light. He doesn’t understand. ‘Come back, okay? This isn’t funny!’

But Jensen doesn’t listen to him. He turns to the police and shouts, ‘Get him away from me!’

An officer steps up to him and gently but firmly makes him take a few steps back. He watches as a stranger steps closer instead. ‘Jensen, you need to stay calm, can you do that for me?’ he says. ‘For the people that care about you?’

‘Screw you!’ Jensen screams, and Jared’s heart drops as he sees the fresh tear tracks on Jensen’s face.

Jason appears at his side, holding him around the biceps when he’s about to rush forward again. He snaps his head around to him. ‘What happened?’

Jason averts his face and hooks a thumb over his shoulder. ‘Brian,’ he says and Jared’s eyes fall on a young man in the first row of the bystanders. He’s got a nasty smirk on his face and is looking mighty pleased in general.

‘That…’ He starts, in disbelieve.

‘Yeah,’ Jason says, wearily. ‘That’s him.’ He sighs. ‘Kid’s got to be some psychopath - I don’t know. He’s getting some weird kick out of this. Hell, he was one of the first to get here. Immediately got on his phone, too but it didn’t look like he called anyone of those.’ Jason waves his hand at the officers and EMTs. ‘The little shit exposed Jensen. Planted that article about him all over campus.’

‘That little fuck!’ Jared shouts, staring at Brian. The guy has pulled his eyes from the scene. Instead he’s looking at his watch, frowning and mumbling something to himself. ‘I’ll end him,’ he snarls, taking a step towards him, but Jason holds him back.

‘Not now, Jared,’ he shouts.

At that moment, the guy who’s apparently a psychiatric counselor retreats from his spot near Jensen. Jared can hear him talk to a couple of officers and what he hears makes his blood run cold.

‘How long until the boat gets here?’

‘10 more minutes.’

‘Damn it. It’s been half an hour, already. I can’t reach the guy.’

The other officer shoots a quick glance at Jensen then turns back to the psychiatrist. ‘You heard his story. I’m sorry, but I don’t think it’d be so terrible if he jumped.’ His colleague nods, giving a tentative shrug.

‘Oh my god,’ Jared gasps. ‘I gotta get Jensen away from here. I can’t lose him, Jason, I can’t!’ Terrified, he shoves past Jason, past the psychiatrist and the officers but Jensen’s already slipping on the small edge.

In the corner of his vision, breaking out from between the crowd on the other side, he sees a shadow move in on Jensen…



In a rough estimation, an object of approximately 180 pounds falling from a height of 44 yards accelerates to 60 mph by the time it hits the ground. At that point even water feels like a solid block of cement.

Jensen knows this fact, is painstakingly aware of it when his foot slips and for a brief moment even the deafening rush of the river beneath him falls silent.

Jared screams, ‘No,’ his panic ridden voice echoing in Jensen’s head. In his chest Jensen feels a sudden pang of regret. It only lasts a brief moment, when the world around him stills and there’s no motion, no noise, no hate. Just peace.

But…

‘It’s okay,’ Jensen whispers, because no matter how much it hurts to leave Lily and Jared - his gorgeous, kind, perfect Jared - he knows in the end they, too, will understand that this truly is the best for everyone involved.

Suddenly, something yanks at his arm. He twists his head, spots a hand gripping hard around his wrist and follows the line of the arm. He looks higher and higher until his eyes land on a face that he once knew by heart. Now it’s scrunched up under the strain of pulling him back up.

Stunned, he croaks, ‘Chris?’ But it’s not really a question. He’d recognize him anywhere.

After a last yank they fall backwards onto the sidewalk.

‘I’m sorry,’ Chris pants, lying under him. Jensen doesn’t know what the hell anymore. The guy looks almost exactly like he did 13 years ago. Only his hair has gotten longer. ‘Don’t do this,’ he says, voice rough and deep like a good glass of whiskey. ‘Not over a lie.’

‘What the fuck are you doing, Christian?’

Both of their heads snap around. Brian has broken away from the bystanders. Two of the officers are trying to restrain him, as he’s fuming. ‘This isn’t why I called you! You were supposed to watch him die!’

Head swimming, Jensen struggles to get back to his feet, as an EMT appears at his side. And Jared. His strong, warm arms wrap around him and pull him back to safe ground.

‘Why?’ Jensen mumbles, staring helplessly at Chris.

‘I’m sorry,’ he repeats again, as he straightens up. Upon closer view, he doesn’t look good. Jensen can’t quite place it. It’s not exactly something physical but there’s something to his eyes. He looks haunted.

‘Fuck you,’ Jared grits, his hold tightening around Jensen. ‘You’re more than 10 years too late for that.’

‘Sir, we need to get you checked out,’ the EMT says and Jared tries to guide him to their truck, but Jensen shakes them all off.

‘You’re sorry?’ He shouts, fingers curling into Chris collar. ‘For what? For being a coward?! For being a lying bastard?! For ruining my-’

Chris silences him with a kiss. Jensen is too startled to pull back. Rooted to the spot he stares into hazel brown eyes and remembers a time when things weren’t perfect but at least a little less messy. He finds himself thrown back to a time when’d have died for a public kiss from his first love.

And then Chris says it, whispers it against his lips, ‘I love you. Always have. Always will.’

Jensen’s fists clench in Chris jacket, his eyes squeezed shut tight. It hurts so damn much to hear it, now. But it’s liberating at the same time. He hadn’t been a blinded fool.

‘You fucking faggots!’ Brian screams and they pull apart roughly.

Jensen stumbles backwards. Jared catches him and Jensen clings tightly to his shirt. ‘I’m sorry,’ he says. Whatever Chris says, how ever much weight it lifts from Jensen’s shoulders: He doesn’t want to go back to that time. He only wants one thing. ‘Please,’ he pants. ‘Take me home, Jared. Please, I wanna go home.’

‘Shh,’ Jared whispers, and this time Jensen lets him steer him to the EMT truck. ‘I will. Soon.’

‘Wait,’ Chris calls then.

Jensen feels Jared’s arms tense up around him. ‘What?!’

‘It’s time,’ he says, then takes a deep breath. When he speaks up again, his voice is shaking badly, but it’s loud enough to carry even to the bystanders. ‘It’s time I tell the truth.’

Epilogue: Starting Over