I’m sick of people telling me that coffee/caffeine is a powerful drug. No it’s not. I can’t get arrested for doing caffeine. I don’t look over my shoulder as I pummel some Juan Valdez. If you want me to believe that, outlaw it. Make it a crime. Set up sting operations. Then I’ll really want to do it ( Read more... )

"I'm breaking out like crazy right now. I'm having a massive break out. It's like girls gone wild on my forehead, except the zits are tits."

I was walking home from work today smoking a cigarette. The weather as I walked is completely inconsequential to the story, but it was overcast and cold, but not windy. With about half a cigarette left to smoke, I tossed its remains over a bush outside an apartment. A woman sitting on the stoop outside her building saw this and said, “can you ( Read more... )

If years of stroking, gripping, and evacuating my male sexual organ do not in some way alter, anger, or permanently angle my piece, then it is the one human part that does not respond to Newtonian physics in a manner that can only be considered aberrant, abhorrent, and perhaps Alchemical ( Read more... )

Here are a few of Webster's new words, at least the notable ones:

bikini wax (noun) 1985 : a procedure for removing pubic hair from the skin near the edge of the bottom half of a bikini by applying hot wax, covering the wax with a cloth to which the wax and hair adhere, and then peeling it off quickly

brain freeze (noun) 1991 : a sudden shooting ( Read more... )

Last night I ran a mile to a friend’s house to play ping pong. I had beaten everyone in the house handily, save him, because we had not yet played. He too gave his housemates a thrashing. It was shaping up to be a real Battle Royale. Well, it didn’t. He beat me 9 straight games. I was put in my place, like Napolean scooped up by an opposing ( Read more... )

Ben Folds Five song Brick steals the final few bars of David Bowie's Under Pressure.


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I read this advertisement in DC’s ubiquitous leftist/gig listing rag:

"Zagat Rates Holocaust Museum the #1 National Memorial.”Well. First, this may be true; in fact, I don’t doubt that it’s true, but is this how the Holocaust Museum should be promoting its exhibits? There should be a compelling argument to be made-whether ranked first or last- ( Read more... )

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Melanie speaks of pee in flavors: "My pee is sugary, I’ve been eating poorly, thus." My pee never, to rarely, smells like candy, but does like coffee, or popcorn floating in beer.