I still have a dinosaur-shaped bruise from falling through rotten floorboards while running from the cops. rofl criminal trespassing.

I'm making preparations for my post-apocalyptic Christmas. So far I have collected some wires and a crushed bathtub (yes!) from a torn down apartment. In the anti-consumerist spirit, I'm fashioning hand-carved bamboo dowels as gifts for all my pals. If you receive one, you will know that I really love you, as evidenced by the fact that it takes ( Read more... )

I haven't changed clothes in three days.  You know, it's all part of my plan to be more like Mickey Mouse.  Since I'm a girl, I'm incapable of smelling bad, right?  In high school, in desperate times, I would buy clothes instead of doing laundry ( Read more... )

I feel like a scholar because I invented a new word: internetiquette.  You know, internet etiquette.  Etiquette for internet communication.  Probably, since I live in a shack devoid of modern technology, this word is already part of all of yous guyses daily lexicon.  But until you put me in my place, I will continue to believe that I am a super- ( Read more... )

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Last night I cooked a catfish fillet that was a beautiful golden brown. I am well on my way to becoming a master chef, I believe. I have a desire to have people over to eat more of my decadent fish, so that I can show off my talents, but I seem to be the only human that likes to eat creatures of the sea.

Me: I don't know if that's such a good idea, dad.

Dad: I think that stealing a Jesus painting from a church is the best idea I've ever had.

Me: What if you get caught? I bet they have a camera pointed right at it.

Dad: Can you think of a better way for me to show my religiosity? Jesus would want me to steal a picture of him.

Me: Ok, but when you ( Read more... )

someone searched:

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My old high school dance teacher once told us that on the day we turned 21, magical things would happen. It would be the pinnacle of our adult lives, the fruition of our souls. Our breasts would grow even bigger.

What a lie.

I had a dream that I was telling someone about my awesome backpack with vertical zippers, but in real life the zippers are pretty annoying ( Read more... )