I'm back in Phoenix and across the country from Ian. He's completely stopped talking to me and part of me still hopes that he will realize how much I'm worth, but he clearly won't. He's been drunk almost every day since he's been back in new york. He's not looking for a job or trying to model or even working on getting in the school he wanted. He's ( Read more... )

With optimism and relief and after much thought, I am going back to Phoenix. Part of me feels really silly for moving here to begin with, but AIDS Walk has had a huge impact on my life and I'm super grateful ( Read more... )

I am so insanely insecure and it's not getting better with age. Ian was stopped on the street on saturday and asked to be a model. He's doing a show for FIT and being picked up by Boss Models. This is a pretty huge deal. If it were any other friend, I would be so happy. I would be jumping for joy. Since it's Ian, all I can think about is him ( Read more... )

Ian is insane. He is dead set on changing the way he's been living and part of that involves him asking me if he can move back in with me. What? Was he not there the first time? I don't know if he knows what he's asking me. Part of me wants him to move in because I would save 325/month and I would worry a lot less about him. I'm currently not ( Read more... )

I'm having some progress. I had a great talk recently which is giving me some much needed peace. I also had some pictures taken by Brad Walsh and it was really fun and exciting. I almost thought about it like acting. By the end of it I was pretty comfortable being almost naked. I'm really happy with how they turned out ( Read more... )

I found something out. This information changes everything. I really don't know him at all anymore if he thinks this is a good idea. Wow. I feel pretty good about not talking to him while be ruins his life. I will not pick up the pieces.

sam ( Read more... )

It's recently occured to me that I have veared really far from who I used to be. I used to be really proud of who I was. I was an honest, giving, thoughtful, selfless person. I blamed a lot of my problems and unhappiness on being selfless and not thinking about myself enough. Over the last year and a half I have tried to be selfish in order to make ( Read more... )

i'm trying to be solitary and strong, I went to the therapist. going again next week. I'm discovering some new things about myself and that can be a bit of a shock sometimes ( Read more... )

i have forgotten how to be a good friend. i'm so wrapped up in my own bullshit. it's so hard to do anything in new york. the location and opportunities may not be worth what you have to sacrifice in your self. I have not been a good friend to alex, marlene, natalie, emily, julie, tom, brecken, nolan... the list goes on. i dont know how to turn ( Read more... )