the last few days have been so hard. we celebrated him, we told stories and... I can't fucking do this.

I feel as always like I should record the recent events of my life, if for no other reason than so that I never, ever forget them as long as I live. the details, to my immense displeasure, are already slipping through the cracks as time passes. I have never wished so hard that time could stop in my whole life.

one day after my last entry I left for ( Read more... )

not pregnant. what a freaking relief. went in shaking and terrified for the test, which was negative. thank fucking god. thought that would be the end of it, boy was I wrong. spent the last 2 nights with him, just talked for hours and hours and was frighteningly honest. and lied a whole lot. and told him I love him, which I guess at this point is ( Read more... )

sitting here with a glass of wine, alone again in a house that isn't mine. guess I'd better get used to the feeling ( Read more... )

this. week.

there almost aren't words and I almost don't even want to try to give them to something that they'll never be deserving of... but more than that I don't want to forget a single second... to lost the details that are already slipping into the recesses of my drunken haze.

I guess it started the night we planned to go to the river. no banks ( Read more... )

there's little left to say now. I guess it's just another adolescent romance turned casualty... only this time I'm not the adolescent. I guess my life works out best when I pretend you don't exist, but we're none of us invisible... that's for sure. you're surely there and you spend too much time looking at me and you... don't get it.

and you won't.

( Read more... )

if there's anything to say, if there's anything to do, if there's any other way, I'll do anything for you...

apparently. it makes me so fucking sad that you have a girlfriend. I don't think I would have admitted that to anyone else... but it's true. I don't want you to have a reason to feel bad about the things that are happening here because.... ( Read more... )

oh wow. life is big. life is big. life is big. last night, really? it's not like I didn't see it coming... but for some reason it never fails to surprise me anyway. it doesn't make sense that life is like this. how is it possible to get everything you want, and somehow fall heartbreakingly short of actually getting it? on the surface it seems to ( Read more... )

I feel like a kid again. scraped knees and climbin' trees and wrestling matches that last all night and almost never lead to anything else. bruises all over and altogether too much giggling. sometimes it's hard to watch the city pass when you have something so much more aesthetic right beside you. it's hard to do much of anything actually, except ( Read more... )

goodbye rational decision making...

hello, drunk.

so last night was crush at the crown room, and I somehow managed to get myself good'n drunk again. was pretty disappointed to walk into the back pool table room to find it decidedly empty of my favorite pool playing buddy. to find his friends there and him... not there. shareef was playing some other ( Read more... )