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what
I wish I had the fuckin guts to do it
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All-in
I went head first, all-in.
A peeled heart, bared and bleeding
On three pages from a notebook
Left like a crow leaves a shiny gift
To offer an explanation of my
Intense and demanding heart,
To say I’m so sorry for pushing him
And to comfort his hurt.
I want to take burden and give peace
To him and make him see
What I see,
That he is pure and good and warm
And ( Read more... ) -
It’s all leaving
It’s all leaving,
All of the tenderness I held for you.
I’m just watching it disappear,
Not trying to let it go, not resisting it either
I’m just watching.
I feel nothing,
And nothing is a sad thing.
You were the first thing
I thought of in the mornings
And now just tonight the last thing.
I feel my place in your life, last.
And it’s beginning to feel right,
( Read more... ) -
just a body
Am I just a body? I feel ten thousand miles away from him unless I’m being slutty.
I want to tell him that, but he will just say “sorry.”
I am, I think.
I feel so low.
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again, still
It’s self-abandonment to rationalize this over and over. Or to let it go one more day.
He’s not mine, he’s not for me, this isn’t the beginning of anything.
I’m a subplot in this man’s life.
Why am I having such a hard time letting this go? Is it the stupid hope that he will choose me that I know is going to leave me devastated? Yeah probably. And my ( Read more... ) -
What to say when you’re done
Hey. There’s something I need to say. For real this time. There is nothing funny after this.
This needs to be done. Whatever this is. You and I both know it’s unhealthy.
You love her, have no intention to hurt her, and will never leave her. You don’t want to fuck that up. It’s that simple.
And I put myself in a position that can only hurt me. So ( Read more... ) -
It’s all want.
I have come to finally understand that though there is something of a connection with him, I am, at the end of the day, simply entertainment and masturbatory fodder.
I believe he really does care about me in some way, just general concern or niceness or something. Maybe he just felt sorry for me when his friend left me hurt. We talk a lot. I think ( Read more... ) -
nothing
It feels so strange to feel nothing. I’m not sad, not happy, not longing, not lonely. Just observing the quiet in my brain. I’m thinking about nothing. I feel present but also sometimes dissociated. I want to feel something. I want to want to do something. I don’t even want to drive around and listen to music. I feel like I’m outside my body.
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feels weird
it feels weird for my phone to be so silent only notifications are from work no little red bubble on messenger no red bubble on snap and my brain is so silent too there is no man i’m worried about no man who hasn’t texted me no man to give me the intermittent dopamine or intermittent heartbreak it’s these minutes and hours and days that feel most ( Read more... ) -
no
he’s not for you.