Damn me. Damn my desire to be everything. Damn my interest in everything and particular fascination with things that are quite different from my own. Damn it ( Read more... )

And he said, you look really attractive. And, you looked amazing today. And he agrees that my boobies looked nice in that shirt.

And I'm gushing. But I've got on my love goggles and dress and shoes and I'm going to rock it, by golly. I think I look good in love.

I've been thinking too much, again, and I can't decide whether I love or hate my life.

It is like the world works against us ( Read more... )

Today is Wednesday. I last saw Ronny on Sunday, for 10 minutes or so as I drove him home from work. Discounting that, the last real time that we shared was on Thursday when we watched some movies at home. Therefore, it has been nearly an entire week now that I've not spent time with my "boyfriend".
And I'm just blase about that.

I don't want to be different. I don't want to feel special. I don't want to feel like I am letting down myself and everyone else because I could be using my time better. I don't want to keep driving away people that I love.

I refuse to be overcome by unhappiness. I give in to the tears and self-pity too often. Tonight, I refuse. I REFUSE!

But even as I reject the sad, anger seeks to replace it. To reject that as well... makes me exhausted. I just want to go to bed early.

In a quiet house, in a cold world, equally silent and descending into a freeze, I question my presence. The cat has purpose, the plants have purpose, the spiced wine inside my belly has purpose.

Money's low but I keep on spending and sex is never far from my mind. Sometimes that means masturbation, more often it means a search for intimacy through other means. What is there left for me tonight ( Read more... )

Isn't this what I said I wanted ( Read more... )