The middle of the last movement of Mozart #40 is funky

[schnittke]

And here's a very short story ("flash fiction," if you will - or, God forbid, a prose poem), from my Columbia class this past semester, and then (cue the drums) a revision of it:

TELL ME            ||            by Barret Anspach

She sits, looking down the street. The glass panes surrounding her act as stencils, dashed streaks casting the hazy

Comments

[wufeidragon]

I think the revision does work better. The two paragraphs that you move to the bottom still feel a bit awkward, but the whole thing is very well written. You capture the mood perfectly. I can really imagine the scene.

[schnittke]

thanks! I'll keep working on it.

[exactchange]

I agree, the revision is better. I like it; very descriptive, very Barret.

One picky little thing: this line

Her heels, scuffed near the toe,

tripped me up. It just took me a second to get that "heels" were shoes and not feet, so that they could actually be scratched near the toe. Nitpicky, I know, but it did pull me out of the flow breifly, so I thought I'd mention.

[schnittke]

yeah, it's a bit backwards. "shoes"? "pumps"?

[exactchange]

Thesaurus suggests "wedges" and "stillettos". I dunno. Don't use "stillettos", is my advice. :)

[mscrankyjack]

oh no! not this story again! lol... no I really do like it... but I don't know if I could go through the heartbreak of reading it again... :) I hope you're doing well