You are drinking to another one of your lawyer friend's multi-million dollar victories. He says things like 'handed his ass to him on a plate' and 'stoked'. When your girlfriend goes to the washroom he asks you how good of a lay she is and whether she takes it up the ass. Then he sniffs a little, like people who are in the coke do, and openly leers ( Read more... )

Someone is talking about how terrible it is that they're putting microchips in cats now ( Read more... )

In the economy of attraction half the demand is for those bee-stung lips, those honey eyes, the pinched nose and your thick pile of shining hair that you arrange to frame your face like gilded copper with the help of a few stray curls. But that only gets you a second look, some jerk trying to buy you a drink or an awkward kid on the subway slipping ( Read more... )

Saturday morning, ice cold orange juice, blueberry pancakes and your daughter's red little newborn face on the back of the milk carton. You thought they stopped doing those, the missing child ads on the milk ( Read more... )

Ok, ok, it's going to be a novel about Hitler's son, who falls in love with a Jew girl only the Jew girl gets herself sent to a concentration camp so Hitler's son sneaks in to rescue her and is caught, brought before his father, and goes on to convince him that killing all the Jews was a lousy idea because he's really in love with this one Jew girl ( Read more... )

Yesterday you two were watching Jeopardy and your roommate went to get some pickles during the commercial break. She made all the normal pickle-getting noises but suddenly there was a thump. Not like anything falling, this terrible wet sort of sound maybe like bones and organs evacuating one's skin ( Read more... )

It's not just the hair ( Read more... )

It took her three months to send you a picture when you started dating. You finally saw her, smiling sheepishly, in a photo attached to an email with the subject line "SORRY THAT I'M SO FAT..." No matter how many times you told her she was beautiful she would always object, insisting that if you saw her in real life you would run the other way. Why ( Read more... )

Ever since you saved that old lady and baby from a burning car sinking in the middle of an icy lake with nothing but your bare hands you've been getting these letters. They all start off,

"Hey jackass,

I bet you think you're a big deal just because you wrenched those toothless assholes from the sure grip of a horrifying death..."
Then it usually ( Read more... )

They start by cutting down the trees. That little grove of evergreens and maples in the view of your bedroom window. Yesterday you sat there for hours, watching the leaves move in the wind but all there is to look at today are the men busily hauling chopped up tree trunks away ( Read more... )