there's no angry scottish mutterings, howard, that's just bollo watching braveheart upstairs again. or might be he's just re-enacting his favourite scenes, i think the bailiffs got the telly along with my bowie-boots. are you really back? and scared and hiding? see naboo, i was right!
...oh. Right. Well, forgive me for being a little paranoid. You'd be paranoid too, if you'd been through what I have. In fact, you'd be long dead, little man. And yes, of course I'm back you frilly berk! What are you doing moaning about your boots when I'm stuck in a cupboard full of god knows what and- wait, bailiffs?
you missed a lot of crazy times, howard, while you were off making mortal enemies with the saphardian peoples. first, rudi was brilliant and bought us the flat next door. we expanded and all sorts of interesting characters moved in, and then the clingon whatsits that invaded our feedleashes started making all our dreams come true, which means naboo thought he was doctor who, jonnaton yeah got pregnant, bainbridge was king of wales, and lots of other stuff besides. but then the clingons were destroyed and it all went back to as normal as could be expected. only now santana's trying to ruin rudi and a bunch of men in loafers showed up, took back the second flat and a lot of other stuff with it. oh and naboo turned his back. it was pretty dramatic!
You make it sound like I was off buying a ladder! I had some pretty crazy times myself, you know. Obviously not as crazy as all that, but still. I'd appreciate a little more concern. A little more wonder at my plight, y'know? So the flat got repossessed, eh? Shame I wasn't around. I could've settled it with my powers of persuasion. I'm quite the public speaker you know. Those bailiffs didn't touch my Charlie Mingus did they?
Hey fuzzy, while you're in there, have a looky for any potion or notion that might instigate a spontaneous yet specific (downstairs only, if you know what I mean) sex change. Be your BFF?
Well that's nice, isn't it? I'm sat here, fearing for my life and all you care about is getting your hands on some mystic juju for the old downstairs switcharoo. Anyway, it's too dark in here to see the labels.
When convenience calls, I answer. Do you really need help? Could be that these eyes are deceiving, but I could have sworn you had the look of a Man of Action.
Well you'd have been right, missy, I am a man of Action. I could come at you like a satchel of bricks. But it's not a question of whether I could get out of here on my own, okay, I could get out on my own, quite easily. It's a matter of principle though isn't it?
Well, sir, that's a long and...terrifying tale. I've been to the deepest darkest regions of a man's soul and come across the foulest human filth and waded through it. There, and Scotland.
By the way, Howard Moon, it hasn't escaped me that you have tried to take credit for my and Corkie's global achievements. You're only too fortunate that my concerns no longer linger on the mortal plane, else I'd rip you limb from lower-class limb. I can't speak for Corkie, however, and if he asks me to aid him in rearranging your face, I might be inclined to say yes. You never forget those schoolboy friendships, as they say.
Hey, whoa now. That's a downright lie, sir. I just stumbled across that village and they hailed me as their saviour, said I'd restored peace with my presence. I didn't question it, I'm a powerful figure of a man, it's understandable. You and conkerface blew this whole thing out of proportion! How was I supposed to know Global Explorer were going to do a spread on it? Now I'm sat in a cupboard fearing for my life.
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Vince was asking about me?
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