"what if things don't go the way you want or hope them to?"
she smiles and replies
"i already know things won't go the way i want them to."
"i hope you are happy"
"i am happy now"
"that's good"
"but i just don't know how long more can i be happy for"
at which she smiles again.

and you wonder about the hope and disappointment and bittersweet and resignment ( Read more... )

somehow ever since then
when you said what you did.
incessantly i find that i'm talking to you in a monologue.
the feeling that you've thought so for a long time and continue to feel so.
perhaps that's why i was so tired.
perhaps that's why i just want to sleep through everything instead of facing it and asking myself.
you just will never realize all ( Read more... )

wondering about how you see yourself and how other people perceive you to be.
for all you know..you are looking at two different people and the views and opinions will never converge.
the disappointments..the weariness..the apprehension..the anxiety..the insecurity never seems to be observed.
seems to me all the independence and confidence witnessed ( Read more... )

yays! exams are over officially as of yesterday even though i sort of declared the end last friday.
all i'm going to do now is shop shop shop..shop for clothes..scarves..boots..hats..stuff that i need.
oh gosh. i can't believe i'm leaving in less than a month.
sooooo many things to buy and i've been spending so much.

i think i don't know.
should i.
can ( Read more... )

two more papers to go.
five more days to go.
another thirty four to go.
out on the street out in the moonlight.
out in the rain out beneath the raindrops.
can i bear it.

for lack of a reason.
for fear of treason.
for fear of the prison.
for fear of an end to the season.

sometimes you realize that as much as you claim you're not sinking
you're already knee deep you're already in too deep you're not sinking because you're already inside.
i don't know where and how to draw the line, if any.
when it's blurred and smudged i don't know if i mean what i say and if what i think is true after all.
will the six months mean that ( Read more... )

21 hours to my first paper.
which means i am kinda officially dead.
mug mug mug.

death is a taboo to the living.
it's as if speaking about death would send forth a signal for it to advance towards you.
or perhaps it's because of the awkwardness one feels about not knowing how it feels to have lost.
somehow i guess i've been confronted with premature deaths more so than others around me.
and the first one hurt the most.
because he's ( Read more... )

it's funny how i can get so happy. so happy.

i think i should be disappointed.
perhaps i felt a tinge of sadness but not disappointment.
it's really better this way..knowing what's going on and what's going to happen.
we move on only because we want to.
you gotta want it to be able to do it.
i guess i don't understand how it feels.
and no one can get perspective when they are in it.
but perhaps that ( Read more... )