the powers that be finally pushed me to my breaking point. last tuesday i woke up after minimal sleep and felt near passing but not so lucky. i tried to get back "up" which was sadly disappointing when i realized i would soon be a work and feeling like this. before going in, i stopped at albertson's  for food and caffeine as i chatted with jj who ( Read more... )

theres more: on thurs when i was already feeling crappy again, my coach at work talks to me about the incident last night with DON. some of the attention i receive from him is unreasonable, leaving me with a continuous unfair disadvantage.  however  terri brings to my attention that their are other operators complaining about me that supports half ( Read more... )

weekly review:  sunday was the last of my one man party which i preferred, so when j.j. came over it became a wreck.  theres no exaggeration for the missed connection we projected. well he ended up leaving mumbling something out of frustration that made me laugh, although the next day was no laughing matter.  stupid sorry-ass valentines gay hooray ( Read more... )

Finally my time has come although overdue, it has arrived.  uninhibited by a nagging alarm i awoke at sunset the first 2 days of my vacation after which ungoverned by time, i reached for my buzzkill. tick, tick, tock...flick, flick, stop. the getaway i planned, last minute to new orleans will have to wait til next year, since i'll be snowboarding ( Read more... )

all the lies you hide inside;         let it out now,        let it out ,        look at you so afraid to see the truth.        FAKE      FAKE     FAKE        let it out now....    brings me to the point after which ive just indulged in selling my story to another co-worker.  im not sure what my real story is anymore since ive trapped myself ( Read more... )

MELT   by Siouxsie and the Banshees

You are the melting men
You are the situation
There is no time to breathe
And yet one single breath
Leads to an insatiable desire
Of suicide...in sex

So many blazing orchids
Burning in your throat
Making you choke
Making you sigh
Sigh in tiny deaths

So melt!
My lover, melt!
She said melt!
My lover, melt!

You are the melting men
( Read more... )

suppression is key in my survival.  after a few weeks of running away from myself and everything else i need...to be, practically live. without the cooperation of being practical and motivated leaves resistance along with denial. STOP trying to ignore the intolerable conditions piling up all around. WAKE the fuck up...im tired of being tired yet ( Read more... )

time to get my act together...ive revealed my desires and succumbed to my temptations.  next week i must be stronger than ive ever been in the last 2yrs.  although unfree of distractions and background noise, it is urgent that i set them straight.  most importantly my consumption of spit and my unproductiveness at work.  knowing what to do isnt ( Read more... )

merry fucking christmas.  the days leading up until today havent seemed any more important than the days during august.  all the festivities have passed below my radar and excitement have seemed invisible.  not to condemn the holiday, my lack of enthusiam is just that, i dont care anymore.  yea yea merry merry, um huh, whatever.  a joyous  way to ( Read more... )

where do i start? there are so many thoughts running through my porcelin skull flushing round and round like vomited pieces of food.  hmm about joey... theres something i do like about him although there are some serious hang-ups.  insecurity-constantly reassuring me not to trip (i hate hearing that), clingy-96% of the time we're together hes ( Read more... )