Exhibit B: Impostor

[shanns_ljidol]

One of the traits of someone with BPD is that we take on the traits of the people around us. We have no idea who we are and generally just feel empty. So liking or disliking whatever the people around us likes or dislikes makes us feel more grounded. But we end up losing ourselves in the process. We still don't know who we are. And if and when that

Comments

[roina_arwen]

Thank you for sharing this.

[shanns_ljidol]

Thank you for reading it.

[porn_this_way]

This was a really fascinating piece. There are some people (one in particular) who've come through my life that I'm fairly sure had BPD, but I had no understanding of the disorder at the time, and they'd never sought out therapy or a diagnosis, so figuring out what was actually going on was nigh impossible. As another commenter mentioned upthread, this is SO much more useful than reading some clinical dissertation or encyclopedia article. I've read lots of those too, but it doesn't compare to having an actual person with the disorder speaking about it openly, from first hand experience. Thank you for posting this.

[shanns_ljidol]

Thank you. I'm always glad when something I write about BPD enlightens someone. I worte more about it in Exhibit A here: http://shanns-ljidol.livejournal.com/11123.html

That goes into a bit more detail about day to day life with it.

[majesticzaichik]

I haven't heard much about BPD so this was a very interesting insight.

[shanns_ljidol]

I'm glad. Not nearly enough people know about it or understand it.

[halfshellvenus]

I've heard people complain that those with BPD tend to love you, and then maybe hate you, but rarely anything in the middle. This gives such a good window on why that is. I can see someone trying to find their groundedness in embracing "all" of someone else, only to eventually just get utterly fed up about how much of themselves they suddenly realize they've suppressed.

Does it help to have people in your life that are less controlling? Or less opinionated? Because it appears there are things you truly DO like, and enjoy for your own reasons, and not being "shouted down" would really help you find a balance with integrating that.

I'm a mess inside. Just a crazy scribble inside with just my own fears and spinning thoughts trying to take over.
This is so sad, but at the same time... you ARE fighting to keep hold of yourself and your world, and the fact that you are also means that to some degree, you're succeeding. If that helps put it into perspective?

[cheshire23]

I can see someone trying to find their groundedness in embracing "all" of someone else, only to eventually just get utterly fed up about how much of themselves they suddenly realize they've suppressed.

That...makes a lot of sense, and helped me make some sense of interactions with a person I know has BPD. Thanks.

[shanns_ljidol]

That is true. We love someone until something happens that knocks them off the pedestal we have placed them on. There is no grey for us, just black and white.

I try to have less controlling people in my life but then I feel like I have no direction. I hate being controlled but at the same time I crave it. I'm lost without it.

I am fighting to keep control but it's a daily battle that I mostly feel like I fail at. It's a struggle to leave the house even when I know I'll enjoy what I'm going to do. Sometimes I get out but turn around and go back home. I'm extremely socially awkward and shy but outspoken at the same time.

I'm a mess. LOL

[jem0000000]

*hugs*

[shanns_ljidol]

Thank you