Im posting this the night before I see Denice. In the calm mindset Im in, high on percocet, sedated by Fiona.

She's going to find out my weight, and Im worried on what she'll do. Its making me want to play a game with her. Like see if I can say "well where would you be worried" "where wouldnt you want me to be", so then maybe I can see if we're ok ( Read more... )

I decided to take my food journal ive been keeping for the past four months and put it online.
From paper to virtual, welcome to my chaos.

cont...

October 27th
-Saltines (10) 120cal
-slice cheese (2) 120cal
-powdered soup (1) 50cal
-diet soda
-carrots (6oz) 90cal
Total: 380cal

Exercise:
Eliptical Trainer 4miles, 35min, 400cal burned
Situps 100
( Read more... )

thank fucking god my weight went back down!! I was sooooo freaked out that I had gained four pounds when I checked on Sunday. Ive been restricting like no other and exercising. Im glad when I went in today (48hrs later) it was just as it was on Sat. I think it was from all the drinking and the salty popcorn/chips.

But it needs to go lower.....

 I feel like I failed last night.

I was doing great yesterday, I only had like 200calories and I had worked out for 45min in the morning. I knew I was going out, but I didnt plan on eating anything.

So, I get there and have a drink, then she orders fries and mushrooms...sautee'd at least, so I had a few of them. I grabbed two of the smallest fries ( Read more... )

so, i saw denice today. made the stupid mistake of telling her I weighed myself...and then the bigger mistake of telling her what I weighed (i was fuckin tired..not thinking) so she then makes a comment that she'll only let me go down 5lbs or so and then she'll admit me to a hospital. can she really do that? i dont think so. I mean i know she has a ( Read more... )

So, i weighed myself for the first time in six years, since I left treatment. Ive been wanting to do it,but something was keeping me back. Well, not anymore.

I am disappointed at the number, im still trying to hit my goal weight, but it was less than i expected.

hmm

So, i did it again....after hearing from him and seeing that he really doesnt give a shit about me. time for the additional punishment, time for the knife

This time I went for my arm. Not sure why...ive been trying to avoid places that people at work can see. Most of them are on my upper thighs. but I wanted to go back to my arms, the place that i ( Read more... )

the severity

of my sadness is endless, something I cant control and struggle to hide. Something Im ashamed of and hate, something I cling to it like a blanket from my youth, almost enjoying the tears as they pour from my eyes and cling to my chin before drowning my shirt. how stupid could you be? really, how FUCKING STUPID COULD YOU BE? for a smart ( Read more... )