I feel really really really pretty awful. The surprise is, this time it's physical. I've lost the ability-- or maybe just the willingness-- to sleep at night. I can't do it anymore. I can only sleep while the sun is up, and even that I do very little. I think I've been averaging only a couple hours a day ( Read more... )

I've been trying to get in touch with that poor, bitter little child inside. I think it’s only right I try and make peace with him before I go, though I don't really think it's peace he's interested in. Sometimes it’s best to just indulge his wishes and let him be himself for awhile. So I bite and suck at my fingers. I make faces in the dark. I ( Read more... )

It's called Provigil. What a joke. Sounds like a health insurance company to me ( Read more... )

I've never been good at handling structure, especially when it's self-imposed. It might be twenty more "steps" I take, or maybe three, or maybe none at all. But all of that is inconsequential, because this time it's going to happen. I can feel it ( Read more... )

I spend all day wishing I was tired enough to go to sleep, often even attempting it in a desperate attempt to escape all of what’s not happening. But at night I spend my time avoiding sleep. Unconsciousness seems too empty to bother pursuing. So instead I just spend my time wasting time, on the internet or in front of the TV; practices I had ( Read more... )

I thought I was a realist. I thought I had pushed myself beyond denial. I thought I lived above all that nonsense. But I'm still here, waiting, thinking I've got this big payoff coming ( Read more... )

Feelin' real down today ( Read more... )

I'm restless, physically and otherwise. I tried to go to sleep earlier, somehow convinced that being tired would be enough to let it happen. It wasn't. My mind was searching for distractions. All I could think about was how hot it was, even with my fan blowing cool air on me, or how cramped my neck felt, compliments of getting completely baked last ( Read more... )

You know, I could use a one night stand. The idea has always seemed disgusting and awful to me in the past, but right now I think it would do me some good. Just a nameless person to touch and kiss and fuck, not even a sexual thing entirely, but beyond the bother of emotions as well; two people connected by nothing but that formless human internal ( Read more... )

I write shit down ( Read more... )