Only Each Other's Because The Day Is Long-Part Three

[signsonaves]

Part Two

Ryan was slumped over in his chair, resting his head on his desk as he listened to one of the albums that had landed in his inbox that week. The band wasn’t bad, but he couldn’t concentrate on their music at all. He kept thinking about Spencer, and Spencer and Brendon, and the way that Spencer looked after he’d been kissing someone. Kissing Brendon, who wasn’t Ryan.

It wasn’t that he was pining over Spencer, he told himself. The Brendon thing had just been unexpected, and it felt like Spencer was breaking up with Ryan all over again. He’d get used to the idea soon though, and he’d go back to not thinking about Spencer at all. At least, he’d better go back to that, or all the stress and pain would give him a heart attack.

Someone touched his shoulder, startling him. Ryan jerked up, sending papers and pens flying all over his office. He took off his headphones and turned around to yell at whoever it was.

It was Brendon.

“Sorry, sorry,” Brendon said. He looked good. He’d grown into himself and Ryan could admit, objectively, that he was hot.

“What are you doing here?” Ryan asked, more shortly than he’d intended.

“I work for Columbia now. They sent me over to oversee a photo shoot and to negotiate some stuff for our bands,” Brendon said, scrambling around Ryan’s floor to pick up everything that had fallen. Ryan considered helping him but decided against it. It was a small office and it was Brendon’s fault.

“So what are you doing in my office?”

“I’m waiting for Spence. He’s here doing an interviewand he said you worked here. And then I asked the photographer-Jon Walker? he said he was a friend of yours-after the shoot. He said you were definitely here so I came to say hello,” Brendon said, dumping Ryan’s stuff back on his desk.

“So say hello,” Ryan said, rubbing his temples. He was going to have to find the time to reorganize all of that shit between finishing his write-ups and yelling at Jon for not at least warning him. He wondered who it was interviewing Spencer. They’d probably gone over it, but Ryan tended to space out during meetings. They were pointless and just wasted time he could spend actually working.

“I thought we were cool now,” Brendon said. “Spencer said you guys talked it out.”

“Sorry,” Ryan lied. “It’s just been a long day.”

“Oh, that’s no problem,” Brendon said. “I guess you don’t want to go out with us and grab drinks or anything, do you? Jon said he might come too, so it could be fun.”

“I thought you couldn’t drink,” Ryan said snippily.

Brendon’s face fell. “I can drink all I like now,” he said. “I’m not really Mormon anymore.”

“I can’t imagine your parents reacted well to that one,” Ryan said as he began to sort through papers.

“We don’t really talk anymore.”

Brendon sounded subdued and Ryan felt bad for a moment. Then he remembered Spencer and said, “Yeah, your job probably doesn’t fit their sensibilities. Not to mention that you’re a gay ex-Mormon.”

“Basically,” Brendon said. “But I got lucky. I’ve got friends, and a great job, and a place to stay, so.”

“So,” Ryan said. He really needed to get back to listening to that album.

“Looks like you’re busy,” Brendon said. He was probably trying for a light tone but he was failing, Ryan thought uncharitably.

“A little bit, yeah. Too busy to go out,” Ryan said. But Brendon looked stupidly dejected, so he added, “I’ll see you for your housewarming thing next weekend, though.”

“Right,” Brendon said. “Spencer said you’d be coming with Alex.”

“You know him?” Ryan asked. With his luck, it would turn out that Brendon and Alex were actually best friends and hung out every night, and wouldn’t it be great to go out all four of them together?

“Not really. I just met with him about his solo album last week and he seemed cool.”

“He is,” Ryan said.

There was an awkward silence. Brendon inched towards the doorway.

“I’d better get going then. I’ll let you get back to your work,” Brendon said.

“You do that,” Ryan replied.

He looked down to rifle through the stack of papers on his desk. When he glanced back up, Brendon was gone. He shrugged and went back to searching. He probably had the interview assignments somewhere, so he could see who was interviewing Spencer and where. Just so he could avoid any awkward run-ins, he told himself as he pulled out the assignments sheet. He wasn’t going to check up on the interview or anything, although it did say they were in the conference room, which was right next to the break room with the coffee pot. And his coffee cup was looking sadly empty, and dealing with Brendon had given him a headache that caffeine was sure to fix.

Mind made up, Ryan grabbed his mug and stood. He’d go straight there and back. He wouldn’t even look at the windows of the conference room, and he absolutely would not try to find the right angle to see through the blinds.

He ended up standing in front of the conference room windows, hunched over and squinting to get a good look at Spencer through the slats of the blinds. Fishbowls were always weird rooms, if you asked Ryan. Who ever thought it was a good idea to put windows in interior walls? Someone should have told that person what a stupid decision that was. If they’d been smarter with their design choices, Ryan would not be staring at Spencer through their stupid interior windows like a totally creepy tool.

Ryan let out a frustrated sigh. He couldn’t quite find the right angle and all he could see was a sliver of Spencer’s arm.

“You might have better luck if you tried the edges of the windows,” Jon said, coming up behind him.

“Fuck you,” Ryan said. “I’m not trying to see what’s going on in there or anything. There was something on the glass.”

“Sure,” Jon said. “Did you get my text? Brendon’s around and looking for you.”

“Oh,” Ryan said, mentally forgiving Jon for not warning him. Though if he’d called or something, maybe Ryan would have gotten the warning in enough time for it to have been useful. “No, but I saw him anyway.”

“How’d it go?” Jon asked, putting his hands on Ryan’s shoulders and steering him several inches to the left. “There. The blinds don’t quite meet the edges, so you should be able to see a lot better.”

“And I suppose you know this because staring through windows is some sort of creepy habit of yours,” Ryan said even as he craned his neck to get a better angle. He had to admit Jon was right. He could see Spencer in profile, leaning forward with his hands clasped on the table in front of him. Ryan could remember Spencer sitting that exact same way growing up- it was the position he took up when he couldn’t give a flying fuck what you were saying but for some reason wanted to look like he did. He’d gotten better at it. If Ryan hadn’t known him so well, he could have sworn that Spencer was positively riveted.

He winced. He didn’t actually know Spencer well at all anymore, and it hurt. Sure, Ryan could probably still make an accurate guess at what Spencer was thinking, but it wasn’t the same. Which was good, he told himself hastily. People grow up and move on. That was life.

Spencer threw his head back and laughed and something sharp ached in his chest.

“I need more coffee for this,” he mumbled.

“Good thing I just got you some more, then,” Jon said, holding out Ryan’s mug.

“Thanks,” he said. “I didn’t even notice that you took it.”

“You were kind of out of it,” Jon said. “But now you have your coffee, so I’ll walk you back to your office before someone else comes along. The rest of the office already thinks you’re creepy enough.”

“Thanks,” Ryan said again, this time sarcastically, “but can get back to my office myself.”

“Oh hey, it just so happens I’m going that way!” Jon exclaimed. “I’ll walk with you.”

Ryan grumpily started back down the hallway.

“So really, how did meeting Brendon go?” Jon asked, falling into step beside him.

“Badly,” Ryan said. “He said you were going out with them after work.”

“He said he was going to invite you, and invited me. I didn’t think you’d want to be alone with them so I said yes,” Jon said calmly, picking up on the accusation. Ryan felt a little bad.

“I’m not going, but you should still go,” Ryan said. “I think you’d really get along with them and they’re not evil or anything. And I know you miss your friends in Chicago, and Spencer knows a bunch of them, so you guys can catch up and stuff.”

“Ryan,” Jon said.

“It’s okay,” Ryan interrupted. “I know I can be kind of hard to deal with sometimes and you should go out and have fun.”

“Yeah,” Jon said, “but you’re my friend, and dealing with each other is what friends do.”

“I want you to have a good time,” Ryan said, ignoring the part of him that wanted to keep Jon to himself and far away from Brendon or Spencer.

“I have a good time with you,” Jon said. “But okay. What are you going to do tonight?”

Ryan’s phone started to ring. He shrugged and answered it. “Hello?”

“Hey, Ryan, it’s Alex.”

“Oh, hey,” he said, rubbing at the calluses on his left hand. “What’s up?”

“Are you busy tonight?”

“Not particularly,” Ryan said. He’d been about to tell Jon his big plans for an eighties movies marathon, but he wouldn’t say no to going out if he didn’t have to be constantly reminded that Spencer was no longer his in any way.

“Want to go out with me?”

“When and where?” Ryan asked. And really, this was probably just what the doctor ordered. Alex was cute and nice and maybe still one of Ryan’s heroes. And Ryan needed to get his mind off of Spencer anyway, especially since it seemed like running into him and Brendon was unavoidable.

“How about nine at Jekyll and Hyde? Do you want me to swing by and pick you up?”

“That’s okay, it’s way out of your way,” Ryan said. “I can meet you there.”

“I wouldn’t mind,” Alex said. “But meeting there works too.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Ryan said. “I have to go, actually. I’m at work.”

“Oh. Sorry,” Alex said. “I wouldn’t have called if I’d known.”

“It’s okay,” Ryan said. “I wouldn’t have picked up if I didn’t want to talk to you. But I’ll see you soon?”

“Yeah. See you tonight,” Alex said.

“See you,” Ryan said, and hung up.

“So what was that about?” Jon asked.

“You don’t have to worry about me tonight,” Ryan said. “I’m going out with Alex.”

“Oh?” Jon said, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

“Shut up, it’s not like that.” It was totally like that.

“It’s totally like that,” Jon said.

“Shut up.” Ryan fumbled with the door to his office. “We’re at my office. You can leave now.”

“So you really don’t mind if I go out with Brendon and Spencer tonight?”

“You should go and have fun,” Ryan said, and narrowly resisted adding, ‘and then report back with everything Spencer says and does and if he looks happy with Brendon, and if Brendon is treating him right.’

“And you’re okay with that?” Jon asked.

“I’m fine,” Ryan insisted. “I’ve got to get back to work so I can get out of here and change.”

“Me too, so I’ll see you tomorrow, I guess,” Jon said, beginning to walk away. “And don’t think you’re getting out of telling me every last detail about your little date.”

“Goodbye, Jon,” Ryan said pointedly. Jon just laughed as he disappeared down the hallway.

*

“Do you want another drink?” Alex said, breath ghosting over Ryan’s earlobe as he leaned in close. Ryan shivered and shook his head. He wasn’t quite finished with his first drink, Makers Mark on the rocks. He didn’t love the taste of bourbon, but it was literary. It had the weight of tradition behind it.

“I’ll be right back, then,” Alex said. He let his hand trail across Ryan’s lower back as he pulled away.

With Alex temporarily gone, there was nothing to distract Ryan from Spencer, who was sitting across the room with Brendon and Jon. It was just his luck that they’d chosen the same bar as Alex.

Not that Ryan was mad or anything. He mostly understood why Brendon had made the choices he had with the band (Ryan should maybe apologize to him at some point. He’d been unnecessarily testy at the office today.) Ryan really couldn’t blame Jon for getting along with Spencer, who was sarcastic, funny, and easy to talk to, or for going with them, since he’d told Jon he should. And Spencer was kind of more Jon’s type of hipster than Ryan was. They were probably going to be alt-bros, Ryan thought resentfully, and hang out all the time drinking PBR and talking about, he didn’t know, sports or Kevin Federline.

Spencer was looking back at him, the heat in his gaze visible even across the room. (To be fair, Ryan told his internal dramatic monologue, it was a rather small room.) Ryan held Spencer’s eyes until someone crossed the space between them. By the time he had passed, Spencer was laughing at something Brendon had said. Ryan fumed. He felt like stamping his foot and yelling, pay attention to me, dammit. Well, maybe not anything nearly so childish. Ryan knew there was at least one other way he could get Spencer’s attention.

He waited until Spencer looked over again, smirked and bit his lip. Spencer stiffened.

Ryan deliberately took a sip of his drink, tipping his head back and closing his eyes as he caught the last drops. He set his drink down, raised an eyebrow in Spencer’s direction. Spencer’s eyes narrowed.

“Hey,” Alex said, slinging an arm around Ryan’s shoulders. He startled and turned around.

“Hey,” Ryan said distractedly, turning back to Spencer. He was leaning closer in to Brendon, completely ignoring Ryan.

“Come on, Ross, let’s go dance,” Alex said.

“You just got your drink.” Spencer had just bumped shoulders affectionately with Brendon.

“Dude, Rob can watch the drinks,” Alex said, squeezing Ryan’s arm lightly.

“Okay,” Ryan said. He hadn’t even noticed Rob there, and it took him a second to remember that he was one of the other members of Spencer’s band-though it wasn’t really his fault. It had been awhile since the interview and Rob was a quiet guy.

He let Alex take his hand and pull him out on to the dance floor. Ryan turned, feeling Alex’s hands settle at his waist. He was a solid weight at Ryan’s back and it had been too long since Ryan had done anything like this. He let himself close his eyes and relax into the music, into Alex.

Ryan would be the first to admit that he was not the world’s most coordinated person. He fully maintained that this was not his fault- genetics was working against him. He’d like to see anyone keep their balance and move rhythmically with disproportionally long and skinny limbs. But this kind of dancing he could do. He could feel Alex’s breath getting shorter against the back of his neck and impulsively turned in the circle of his arms.

“Hi,” he said, resting his forehead against Alex’s. Ryan could feel that Alex was hard against his thigh.

“Hi,” Alex said, voice husky and low. Then Alex tilted his chin up and caught Ryan’s lips in a kiss. Ryan let him, opening his mouth just enough to give Alex an invitation. Alex’s hands gripped his waist hard, pulling him closer. Ryan’s moan was stifled in Alex’s mouth.

“Can we?” Alex asked breathlessly. Ryan nodded and led Alex through the crowd, heading towards the bathrooms at the back.

His heart was thudding painfully against his ribcage as he pushed into the bathroom. Alex followed him into the small room, and Ryan stepped forward, pressing him against the door. He fumbled around behind Alex for the lock

“Isn’t this classy,” Alex gasped out as Ryan dropped to his knees in front of him. The floor was kind of disgusting, but Ryan didn’t really care. He needed this, feeling wanted. Feeling like someone wanted him, like he could make them want him if he played his cards right.

“Class is overrated,” Ryan said. He mouthed at the inseam of Alex’s jeans. “Unless you’re complaining.”

“No, no complaints here.” Alex laughed a bit and then groaned, his head hitting the door as Ryan pressed his palm against his erection. He unzipped his jeans and tugged Alex forward just enough to get Alex’s pants down to his knees, taking his boxers with them.

Kneeling there, on the floor, Ryan felt a little bit nauseous. He was going to have to look into this tolerance thing. Throwing up after a few drinks was not on.

“Everything okay?” Alex asked, cracking on eye open.

“No,” Ryan said abruptly, surprising himself. “I can’t do this, I’m sorry.”

“Oh. Um. Okay?” Alex said, shifting uncomfortably when it became clear that Ryan meant it. “I’m going to go ahead and pull my pants up, then.”

“I’m sorry,” Ryan said, head in his hands.

“Dude, no, don’t feel bad. I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to.” Alex dropped down to sit next to him on the disgusting floor. Ryan felt really bad- Alex was exactly the kind of guy Ryan should like.

“I should be totally into you,” Ryan told him. “You’re gorgeous and talented and you’ve been so, so nice to me.”

“Ouch,” Alex said. “I sense there’s a but.”

“I’m still in love with my ex,” Ryan blurted out. Oh, hey. He was.

“Oh,” Alex said. “You know, that’s pretty normal.”

“It’s been five years, and he’s not even my most current ex,” Ryan said in a rush. “I thought I was over it, but he’s here tonight with his boyfriend, and I still miss them.”

“Wow.” Alex put a comforting hand on Ryan’s back. “Them?”

“It’s complicated,” Ryan said.

“I’ve got some time.”

*

Spencer was waiting when Alex and Ryan exited the bathroom. The slant of his legs as he leaned on the wall and the cant of his hips brought Ryan’s attention back to Ryan’s (sadly) neglected dick. Stop that, he told himself sternly, he doesn’t want you.

“Sorry, Smith,” Alex said. “All yours.”

“So glad you two have finished. But I’m not here to use the bathroom. I’m here to talk to you,” Spencer said, crossing his arms and scowling.

“Okay?” Alex said. Ryan was, not going to lie, more than a little bit baffled.

“Listen. Just. I know I have no right, none at all, to say this anymore, and maybe I’m screwing things up even more, but just listen, okay?” Spencer said.

“I’m listening,” Alex said, holding his hands out in front of him.

“I think you’re being reckless. I wasn’t going to say anything because god knows Ryan seems happy enough with you, but this could impact my band, too. What you do in private is your business, but out here? People talk and they’re going to slam our bands, say the review and interview were biased. Hell, they’ll give Ryan shit for it, too.”

“You’re not making any sense,” Ryan interrupted. What gave Spencer the right to dictate his life? “I’m the one that took Alex to the back. I know what people say, Spencer, and anyone that says I’m just another starfucking groupie or selling myself to get interviews isn’t worth listening to. The article’s out, nothing happened before it came out, and it’s none of your business if anything did anyway. Besides, no one really cares that much about what I do.”

“Also, I’d like to point out that we didn’t actually do anything,” Alex said helpfully from where he stood on the sidelines.

“Maybe not, but have some fucking respect, Ryan,” Spencer said, ignoring Alex.

“Oh, Alex and I have a lot of respect for each other, Spencer,” Ryan said, eyes itching. People broke the fucking smoke ban all the time in places like this.

“Enough respect to advertise what you’re doing to the whole world. It’s not right. That’s all I’m saying. There are some things that belong behind closed doors.”

“You didn’t complain when I blew you in the school parking lot. There wasn’t a lot of talk about respect or closed doors then,” Ryan said, bitter.

“That was different,” Spencer said, advancing on Ryan, “and you know it.”

“Different because it was you?” Ryan mocked. “Give it up, Spencer. I think you’re just jealous, that maybe you haven’t moved on as much as you want me to think. I’m over it. Go back to Brendon, see if I care.”

“I can’t believe you. You’re still bitter about that?” Spencer exploded, leaning in close to Ryan. He could feel Spencer’s breaths ghost across his cheek. “You said we were cool, you wanted to put it behind us. I’m not jealous, okay? I’m just being your friend again, like you said you wanted.”

“I never said that,” Ryan said coldly.

“Fine, implied when you showed up at my apartment out of the blue- and how did you get my address anyway? Are you stalking me or something? Because maybe you’re the one that’s not as over it as you’d like to think, Ryan.”

“If I had a choice, I wouldn’t have gone to see you at all,” Ryan spat out, ugly words searing through him. “I only went because Jon said I should patch things up, and Jon’s my friend- I care about what he says. Otherwise you wouldn’t have mattered to me at all.”

“I mattered enough for you to track down my address,” Spencer said quietly, one hand clutching the fabric of Ryan’s jacket. Ryan could feel the heat seeping through the fabric to his skin.

“Don’t worry, I didn’t go out of my way or anything,” Ryan said, and he knew he was sneering. He couldn’t help it. “Alex knows where you live, and I was going to call him anyway.”

“So you got your exboyfriend’s address from your new fuck? That’s rich.” Spencer released his hold on Ryan and stepped back.

“I haven’t fucked him. I haven’t done anything with him.” Ryan’s tone was clipped and he knew he was betraying just how upset he was. It wouldn’t have mattered, though. Even after so much time apart, Ryan knew that Spencer could still read him without even trying. After all, he could still read Spencer.

“Yeah, that was a whole lot of nothing you put on display on the dance floor,” Spencer said. “And right after that show you put on with me? You’re such a fucking liar, Ryan.”

“It wasn’t anything.” Ryan crossed his arms tightly across his chest. “It didn’t mean anything.”

“You’re lying. But that’s okay, I should’ve known. You always start things you can’t finish.” Spencer turned away, his back facing Ryan.

“What, that makes no sense,” Ryan sputtered. “You’re the one who broke up with me, okay? And you’re the one that started it too. Don’t front, Spencer, you always wanted me more than I wanted you, and then you broke up with me, so don’t even try to blame me for this.”

“Everything’s pretty much always about you, isn’t it, Ryan?” Spencer’s voice had gone flat. Ryan didn’t quite know what to say.

“That’s not fair,” he finally said after the sounds of their shouting had faded into the club music still blaring in the background.

“Life’s not fair,” Spencer said. “If it was, I’d have stopped loving you a long time ago.”

Spencer still loved him. Spencer still loved him! Ryan kind of wanted to cry. Maybe he hadn’t fucked everything up. “Spence,” he said, tentatively.

“Leave it, Ryan. You’re right, I’m the fool who kept hanging on to someone who doesn’t want me around. But don’t worry, I can’t keep loving you forever. I’m getting over it- I’m giving up. Have fun with Alex.” Spencer took a step, and then another, and then he was walking away. Again.

“Spencer,” Ryan said. He raised a hand, reached out, but Spencer didn’t see, kept walking.

“Fuck,” Ryan said, spinning around wildly and punching the wall.

“Dude, what did that wall ever do to you?” Jon asked. Ryan jumped.

“Fuck, Jon, where did you come from?”

“Alex came and got me. Said something was going down back here that I might want to check out.”

Ryan winced. He hadn’t even noticed Alex leaving.

“So what happened?” Jon asked.

“Spencer and I got into a fight,” Ryan said. He was tired. “He said he was giving up on me.”

“I thought you guys were cool now,” Jon said.

“I thought so too,” Brendon said, walking around the corner. “At least Spencer said so. Speaking of, he just tore out of here like, I don’t know, some kind of possessed leopard.”

“Brendon,” Ryan said. He tried hard to keep the snide tone out of his voice. Well, he thought hard about trying. Okay, fine, he thought in passing that maybe he ought to try.

“You know, funniest thing. I thought you weren’t mad at me anymore, but that and how you were treating me this afternoon would say differently,” Brendon said.

“I’m not,” Ryan said. He really didn’t want to get into this. Brendon and Jon looked at him expectantly. “I’m not mad. I’m over the band thing.”

“It doesn’t seem like you are,” Brendon said.

Ryan rubbed at his eyes angrily. “I just wish it had been anyone but you,” he said after a minute, his voice coming out softer than he’d wanted.

“Wait, what?” Brendon said.

“I know Spencer’s going to have other boyfriends. I’m not delusional. But even if I don’t blame you anymore, it still feels like he’s choosing you over me all over again. Like he always has and always will.”

Brendon wrinkled his nose in frustration. “Ross. Ryan actual Ross. Spencer is always going to choose you. It’s one of the first things I came to terms with when I met you guys. And you have no idea how long I’ve waited to say this to you, no idea, but people disagree. It happens.”

“It was really fucking important to me, Brendon,” Ryan said. “It wasn’t just a disagreement.”

“I know. And I only left you about a billion apology voicemails and emails and LJ comments, which you never responded to, by the way, but I’m sorry.”

“I already pretty much forgave you for that,” Ryan said grudgingly. “For turning around and going out with Spencer, not so much.”

“What?” Brendon said.

“It’s none of my business, blah blah, whatever,” Ryan said, throwing his hands up.

“No,” Brendon said.

“I know,” Ryan said huffily.

“No, you don’t,” Brendon said.

“I really do.”

“You really, really don’t.”

“Brendon-”

“I’m not dating Spencer,” Brendon said.

“But- you’re living with him,” Ryan said, confused.

“There’s this thing called roommates,” Brendon said.

“But there’s only one bedroom.”

“Yeah, not so much,” Brendon said.

“You and Spencer are not going out,” Ryan tried, wanting to get his facts straight before giving into the dread he could feel pooling deep in his bones.

“Nope.”

“I’ve been really fucking stupid, and I should go after Spencer right now,” Ryan said.

“Are you done being a jerk?” Brendon asked. Ryan nodded, and Brendon tossed something at Ryan- a key. “Go forth and I would say multiply, but I don’t really want to think about you and Spencer doing that. It’s anatomically impossible anyway.”

“Thanks,” Ryan said, staring at the key in his hand.

“Go,” said Brendon and Jon in exasperation. Ryan nodded and took off, arms and legs flailing as he made his way to where Spencer was. He knew he looked stupid, but he didn’t care. He wanted to get to Spencer.

*

Ryan stared at Spencer’s building door. He’d figured he should probably try ringing up first, give Spencer some warning, but there was no response. He knew Brendon expected him to use the key but it felt weird, just letting himself into Spencer’s place again like nothing had changed.

Oh well. No time like the present, Ryan told himself, and slotted the key into the door. He was in. The stairs seemed much shorter than they had the last time Ryan had been here and too soon Ryan was knocking on the apartment door. No response. He frowned and used the key again.

“Spencer?” he called out, opening the door. “Spencer?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Spencer called from the room at the end of the hallway. “Just go away.”

Ryan crossed the living room in a few quick steps. “I’m tired of running away from my best friend,” he said to the wood of Spencer’s bedroom door.

The door cracked open and Spencer looked out, eyes red and swollen. “What are you doing here, Ryan?”

“I said. I’m tired of running away from you. I miss you.”

“What changed in the last, I don’t know, hour? You seemed only too eager to get away from me at the club tonight. Or don’t you remember? I don’t matter to you,” Spencer said. His tone was harsh and Ryan recoiled a bit before steeling himself. He owed Spencer an explanation.

“I was, um, kind of jealous? Maybe?” he tried.

“Of what, Ryan? You’ve had more boyfriends after we broke up than I have, and probably more people interested in you. There’s nothing to be jealous of.” Ryan filed that information away- apparently Spencer had been keeping tabs on him. He could tease him about it later, though.

“I might have been misinformed,” he said. “I guess, I just saw Brendon’s stuff here, and then I only saw one bedroom and the bathroom, and I assumed…”

“Oh. Oh,” Spencer said. “Oh my god. You idiot.”

“I know,” Ryan said, scuffing the toe of his right shoe across the carpet.

“Why didn’t you ask?”

“I thought I did!” Ryan responded. “I said, you and Brendon, and you crossed your arms and said yes all huffily. I thought that meant yes.”

“Yes, he’s my roommate. God, Ryan, you need to stop fucking making assumptions,” Spencer said, but his tone was fond. Well, mostly exasperated and still really angry, but fond somewhere underneath all of that. Ryan had kind of missed it.

“Um. So I’m sort of still stupidly in love with you,” Ryan said. “Like, I did stupid shit and said stupid shit that I wish I hadn’t because I still love you.”

“I maybe said some things I didn’t mean because I was jealous, too,” Spencer said, stepping closer to Ryan and putting a hand under his chin, forcing him to meet Spencer’s eyes. “Though, to be fair, the guy I was jealous of was at least making out with you on the dance floor and not just paying half of your rent.”

“I know,” Ryan said helplessly. “We really didn’t do anything, though. I got his pants down and I just couldn’t, because. Well, because.”

“Because of me?” Spencer said, and leaned down to kiss Ryan. When they broke apart, Ryan’s knees felt weak and he clung to Spencer’s shoulders to stay standing.

“Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, because of you.”

“Good,” Spencer said. Ryan turned his head away. He had to know.

“Spence, Spencer, did you mean it when you said you couldn’t love me anymore?”

“Oh my god, you are such an idiot,” Spencer said, pressing their mouths together and laughing into Ryan’s mouth. “Ryan Ross, I’ve loved you most of my life, and I don’t think I’ll ever stop.”

“Good,” Ryan gasped. “Now I haven’t gotten off once tonight and I really, really think we should take care of that.”

Spencer responded by pulling off Ryan’s shirt and walking him backwards until his knees hit the bed. Ryan reached up and grabbed the back of Spencer’s neck to drag him down for another kiss. It felt like he’d missed out on living the last five years of his life and had to make up for it all now. Every cell in his body strained towards Spencer, wanting more contact, more skin, more. That could be a lyric, maybe, Ryan thought. Body imagery was in these days.

Then Spencer’s hand found Ryan’s dick through his jeans and he couldn’t think at all anymore. His breath kept getting stuck, stuttering in his throat. Spencer trailed his mouth down to nip at Ryan’s collarbone, and he couldn’t help it. His hips jerked up hard.

“I’m going to fuck you,” Spencer said, and it would have been casual if his voice hadn’t broken, if he wasn’t pressing into Ryan like he thought he’d disappear if he let up.

“Okay.” Ryan’s response came out strangled, a little breathier than he wanted, but then his pants and boxers were on the floor, and Spencer’s mouth was sliding hot down his cock and he really, really couldn’t bring himself to care.

He let himself relax fully back onto the bed, closing his eyes and trying desperately not to embarrass himself. But Spencer was moaning around his cock, and just picturing it was so obscenely hot- Spencer’s lips, maybe Spencer’s hand palming himself as he sucked Ryan off.

Then one of Spencer’s fingers brushed his hole and Ryan moaned, loud.

“Shhh, shhh,” Spencer said, pulling off. “It’s okay. Can you turn over?”

Ryan tried to flip himself over gracefully but ended up flopping instead. It didn’t really matter all that much, though. It wasn’t like he hadn’t ended up in the same position anyway.

“Spencer, Spencer, please,” he said, trying to squirm back towards Spencer’s fingers.

“I’ve been waiting for this half my life. We’re going to do it right,” Spencer said, but he also ran one hand down Ryan’s side and pressed the tip of his finger into Ryan. Ryan moaned. It felt, well, just kind of okay, to be honest, but that’s how it always was, and Ryan wanted to encourage Spencer to get on with it. Just the thought of more- Spencer’s cock in his ass, filling him- made Ryan whimper and push back, begging Spencer to hurry. Then it was two fingers, stretching him, pressing against his prostate and sending sparks up his spine.

“Someday,” Spencer said, one hand tight on Ryan’s hip as the other worked him open, “I’m going to take my time and finger you until you beg me to make you come.”

Ryan groaned. He didn’t know if he wanted to push forward, pressing his aching cock into the mattress, or backwards onto Spencer’s fingers.

“Spencer,” Ryan said, “come on, please. Don’t be a tease. I can take it now-I’m ready.”

“Are you sure?” Spencer asked, voice shaking.

“Yes,” Ryan said emphatically. Spencer pressed his lips gently against the curve of Ryan’s ass before sitting back and rolling a condom on.

“I love you,” Spencer said as he positioned himself at Ryan’s entrance. Ryan could feel Spencer behind him, so close and yet not close enough.

“I love you too,” Ryan mumbled. “Now fuck me already, please?”

Spencer huffed out a laugh against the back of Ryan’s neck as he pushed in. Ryan nearly bit his tongue off. He really didn’t understand why he and Spencer hadn’t been doing this for years. This was, it was- Ryan moaned. It wasn’t just that it had been awhile since he’d fucked anyone. It was that it was Spencer.

Ryan’s hands clenched in the sheets as he did his best to rock back and meet Spencer. Spencer was thrusting hard and fast, gripping Ryan’s hips tight enough to leave the memory of his hands tomorrow. Spencer pulled Ryan up and a little bit back and Ryan couldn’t help whimpering. He couldn’t believe it, but this angle was even better. Ryan’s legs were starting to shake with the effort of holding him up.

“Fuck, Ryan,” Spencer said, reaching around to grasp his cock in one hand and jerk him off. Ryan’s breath hitched. “Sorry, I’m better normally, promise, but fuck, you- you’re so tight, feel so fucking good.”

Ryan’s reply was lost as he cried out and came hard over Spencer’s hand. Spencer held him up for a few more desperate thrusts before groaning and stuttering to a halt, coming buried deep in Ryan. Carefully Spencer pulled out, letting Ryan collapse fully on to the bed.

“Hey,” Spencer said, shaking Ryan’s shoulder gently. “Hey, we should clean up.”

“Tired,” Ryan said. “In a bit?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Spencer said, and Ryan felt the bed dip as Spencer got up. Ryan let himself drift in a post-orgasmic haze, barely registering when Spencer came back with a wet washcloth.

“Come on, Ryan, help me out a little here and turn over,” Spencer said, trying to tug the covers down. Ryan grumbled but squirmed around until he was laying on his back, looking up at Spencer.

“So, I love you,” Spencer said, smiling at Ryan as he ran the washcloth over his stomach, cleaning up Ryan’s release.

“Freak,” Ryan said fondly.

“You love it,” Spencer said, tossing the washcloth in the corner of the room and climbing into bed with Ryan. He curled an arm around Ryan’s waist and pulled him close before dragging the sheets up over both of them.

Ryan settled his hand over Spencer’s. He could feel Spencer smiling against the back of his neck before he fell into sleep.

*

Ryan woke up to the morning sun across his face. Spencer snuffled in his sleep and rolled over, pulling the covers up over his face. Ryan almost laughed. He’d forgotten the stupid noises Spencer made in his sleep.

His phone beeped. i’m guessing he accepted ur apology, Jon had texted.

Well, mostly, Ryan thought. He hadn’t really apologized for everything. Maybe not anything-Ryan didn’t really apologize. He owed Spencer a lot though. Hindsight’s twenty-twenty and all that. He’d been a jerk.

Possibly he should offer Spencer bribes. Though if Spencer had already forgiven him (and Ryan was pretty sure he had. At least the sex would indicate that he had.) then were they really bribes anymore?

Either way, waking Spencer up with coffee and pastries couldn’t hurt. Also, Ryan was kind of hungry and he really wanted coffee. He considered what to get as he brushed his teeth and borrowed some of Spencer’s clothes. Should he go with a frappucino? Iced coffee? Some other kind of coffee that Ryan mostly relied on Jon to make and order for him?

Clearly there was only one solution. Ryan dialed Jon’s number on the way down the stairs.

“So I’m taking it you’re forgiven?” Jon said upon answering the phone.

“Sort of?” Ryan offered.

“How can you be sort of forgiven?” Jon sounded suspicious. Ryan could hear someone in the background. “Okay, I’m putting you on speaker. Brendon wants to know what that means, too.”

“What’s Brendon doing with you?” Ryan asked.

“Well, after you went after Spencer, we kind of figured you’d want to be alone,” Jon said suggestively.

“So I crashed on his couch,” Brendon put in. “And now my back is sore. You can thank me later, though, after you tell me how you’re sort of forgiven.

“It means I’m on a penitent asshole wishes for forgiveness coffee run and need to know what to get,” Ryan said, squinting as he stepped outside. “I’m already planning on danishes. I’m pretty sure Spencer’s love of those won’t have faded through the years.”

“Wow,” Jon said. “You really are sorry.”

“Shut up. What kind of coffee do I order?” Ryan was about to walk into Starbucks.

“Spencer likes Americanos,” Brendon said. “Or just order regular coffee black. He’s got plenty of fancy creamers in the fridge.”

“Thanks,” Ryan said.

“That’s going to be a tall house-blend,” Jon said helpfully.

“Fuck you. I know how to order the simple stuff,” Ryan said.

“And you’re being an enabler,” Brendon chimed in.

“Yeah,” Ryan said, stepping up to the counter. “Stop enabling my coffee ignorance, Jon Walker. Can I get two tall house-blends and two cherry danishes?”

“Please. You would die if I didn’t bring you coffee.”

“You should just let him sink or swim, Jon,” Brendon said. Ryan could hear the grin in his voice. “Then you can bring me all your delicious coffee.”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “I’ve got to go, guys,” he said.

“Let us know how it goes,” Jon said. “Good luck.”

“Thanks,” Ryan said. “Bye.”

He shoved his phone into his pocket and picked up the coffees. When he got to the door of Spencer’s apartment, he swore and tried to juggle the cups around and get out the key.

Thankfully, the door opened.

“Ryan?” Spencer asked.

“What are you wearing?” Ryan blurted out. Spencer had, it appeared, woken up and gotten dressed with his eyes closed. Nothing else could explain the inside-out t-shirt with board shorts look.

“Shut up, I woke up and you were gone. I figured you’d freaked out and run away,” Spencer said, holding the door open for Ryan

“That still doesn’t explain what you’re wearing.” Ryan followed Spencer up the stairs.

“The bed was still warm next to me. I figured you couldn’t have gotten far and that it would be more effective to run after you and yell in person.” Spencer let them into the apartment.

“Gee, thanks,” Ryan said.

“Well, you kind of have a history,” Spencer said.

“I went to get you coffee,” Ryan said, pouting. “And danishes.”

“And I’m very grateful that you did that instead of running off. I’m still not convinced you’re not freaking out, though,” Spencer added, grabbing the coffees from Ryan and setting them on the kitchen table.

“Maybe a little,” Ryan admitted, hopping up on the counter.

“I thought so,” Spencer said. He pulled some creamer out of the fridge. “Feel like telling me why?”

“I don’t understand why you forgave me,” Ryan said after a few seconds.

“It’s the mystery of the century,” Spencer said.

“I’m kind of an asshole.” Ryan shifted uncomfortably.

“I think I noticed that.” Spencer moved to stand in front of Ryan, between his legs.

“I was really horrible to you. Not only the past few days, but you know, when we broke up,” Ryan said, looking down.

Spencer slid a hand into Ryan’s hair and tilted his head up. “You brought me coffee and danishes.”

“I’m not sure that makes up for everything, Spence,” Ryan said, not quite managing to modulate his tone.

“Ryan, dude,” Spencer said, laughing. “Even after everything that happened, you’re still my best friend, okay? I know you and you know me. Being with you, even when you’re being a jerk- sometimes especially when you’re being a jerk- it makes me happy. You make me happy.”

“I don’t understand,” Ryan said helplessly. “You deserve someone better than me, and you’re… You’re you. You don’t have to settle for some messed up jerk.”

“Well, yeah, but no one can ever match up to my level of awesome. I’m going to have to settle no matter what,” Spencer said.

“Get over yourself. I am at least as awesome as you are,” Ryan said automatically.

“Fair point,” Spencer said. Ryan could tell he was trying not to laugh.

“Really though,” Ryan said. “No one comes back. Why did you come back?”

“I love you,” Spencer said, shrugging. “And I missed you, and I always told myself that I’d give you another chance if you showed that you were going to try. Also, I am in desperate need of caffeine and you have the coffee.”

“I do have coffee,” Ryan agreed. Then Spencer leaned forward to kiss him and Ryan didn’t even mind his morning breath. (He did, a little, but he knew Spencer would brush his teeth after breakfast. He said it made no sense to do it before and then go get more food and shit stuck in your teeth.)

“So I’m sorry,” Ryan said, mumbling into Spencer’s mouth as they kissed.

“I know,” Spencer said, pulling back. “I’m sorry, too. And I think you owe Brendon an apology.”

“Nah,” Ryan said. “Brendon and I are cool.”

“Ryan,” Spencer said. Ryan sighed.

“Fine,” he said. “Then you should apologize to Alex.”

“I was already planning on it,” Spencer said.

“Good,” Ryan said.

“Good,” Spencer said, raising an eyebrow before pressing his lips against Ryan’s. They stayed there, not really kissing, just breathing together as their coffee cooled on the table.

“You know,” Ryan said eventually, “I think this was all maybe meant to be.”

“Yeah?” Spencer said. “I mean, I guess, we all are in the same place again. We could start over, find a new bassist.”

“That’s not what I meant, though Jon does play bass,” Ryan said impatiently. “I meant us, Spence. Like, life wouldn’t have kept giving us second chances if we weren’t meant to work out.”

“What happened to life doesn’t give anyone second chances?” Spencer asked, resting his forehead against Ryan’s.

Ryan ran his fingers through Spencer’s hair, strands warm where the sun fell on them from the window. “I’m allowed to change my mind.”

“Only about some things,” Spencer said. “Not about us, not again.”

“Fine,” Ryan said, but he was already thinking. Jon did play a mean bass and he knew that they had compatible music tastes. “ So about the band. Do you really think we could start up again?”

“Why not?” Spencer asked. “We’re probably all better than we were then and we’re definitely better positioned in the industry.”

“Shut up, I had connections,” Ryan protested, only half-jokingly. Pete Wentz had totally remembered his name, okay, and the band.

“Yeah, people who knew you because you posted pictures of your jailbait ass on Livejournal are totally the equivalent of, I don’t know, your boss at Pitchfork or Brendon’s label.”

“Shut up,” Ryan said.

“You shut up,” Spencer said. “Anyway, is Jon any good?”

“He’s great,” Ryan said honestly. “He used to be in this band, they broke up, but they put out a few CDs, which is more than we ever did. Well, me and Brendon at least. Oh shit, Spencer, what about Goodbye Gatling?”

“We’re breaking up,” Spencer said with a shrug. “We all want to pursue different things. We thought it would be easier if we were all in one place, but even when I was here, nothing was getting better.”

“You guys were good,” Ryan said. “Are good, whatever. I’m sorry.”

“Thanks,” Spencer said, “but we’re going to be better.”

“Yeah?” Ryan asked.

“Yeah,” Spencer said. “Now let’s call Jon and Brendon, tell them to get their asses over here to start rehearsing.”

*

“Oh my god, Ryan, calm down,” Spencer said, catching Ryan around the waist and pulling him into his lap as he crossed the room for what had to be the hundredth time.

“Just because you’re experienced enough not to get nervous anymore…” Ryan said haughtily.

“I’m nervous as fuck. I just know that pacing isn’t going to help,” Spencer said, rubbing circles into the skin between Ryan’s jeans and shirt. Ryan sighed and relaxed back into Spencer.

“We’re playing with some really good bands. Spencer, what if we fuck up?”

“We won’t fuck up,” Jon said from across the room. He had his bass on his lap as he checked and rechecked his tuning.

“We’re good, Ross, so quit worrying.” Brendon was fiddling with his tie- they’d decided to go for a kind of dandies look, some sort of restrained sophistication. Admittedly the vest Ryan had picked up from a vintage store a few weeks ago was anything but- he thought he was hitting the sophistication okay, but even he could admit the roses were a bit over the top. He didn’t care. He unironically loved it. Or maybe post-ironically, whatever. He was saving it for a special occasion and figured by then, he could probably get the rest of the band on board with his sartorial vision anyhow.

“You guys should probably be heading out now,” a tech said, popping in with a clipboard in hand. “Everything’s set up and people are waiting.”

“Thanks,” Jon said, smiling at her.

“No problem,” she called over her shoulder as she walked back down the hallway. “I’ll let the other techs know we’re about ready.”

“Okay,” Ryan said. “Band, we can do this. We’ve been waiting for this moment a long time and it’s finally here.”

“Ryan,” Brendon said, “can we skip the grand speech? We rock, you know we rock, we know we rock, soon they’ll know we rock.”

“The speech is important,” Ryan said. “It’s like, a preshow ritual. Don’t mess with superstition.”

“It can’t be a ritual if we’ve never had a show before,” Jon pointed out.

Ryan cleared his throat. “As I was saying-”

“You guys are up!” the tech called down the hallway.

“I think we’ll be okay without a going off to war motivational speech, Ry,” Spencer said, squeezing his hand. “Let’s go.”

The stage was darker than Ryan expected, which was kind of stupid. Of course they turned on the stage lights after the band was already on stage. He’d only been to about a million shows. Still, the kids in the crowd could see them as they walked on to take their places. He could hear them talking amongst themselves.

He knew they were wondering if Time to Dance! would be any good, if they were better off checking out the merch tables for the other bands. He wanted to tell them all to listen, that someday they’d be telling all their friends that they’d been at an early Time to Dance! show.

The lights came up, Spencer counted them off, and they were playing, racing through Mad as Rabbits. Ryan’s pulse beat in time to the music, song after song until he could hardly believe that they were done with their set.

“I can’t remember any of what just happened,” Ryan told Spencer as they walked back down to their dressing room. “What just happened?”

“I’ll tell you what just happened, Ryan Ross,” Brendon said, pulling him close with an arm around his shoulders. Ryan wrinkled his nose. Brendon was really sweaty. “We just rocked the fuck out. That’s what happened.”

“They liked us,” Jon said. “It took them a bit to get into it, new band and all, but they liked it.”

“We should get out to the merch table soon,” Spencer put in. “Try to sell some demos, talk up the band a little.”

“We can go now, right, Spencer?” Ryan said. “You guys can clean up, Spencer and I’ll hold down the fort. Then we can switch?”

“Sounds fine to me,” Spencer said. Jon and Brendon nodded and continued backstage. “Thought you weren’t really looking forward to the fan interaction.”

“I changed my mind,” Ryan said. “I kind of, I don’t know, want to see for myself how much they like us. “

“We’re not gonna get famous overnight, you know,” Spencer said. “It’ll probably be awhile before we even get signed or anything.”

“Dude, I know,” Ryan said. “Record deals don’t just fall into laps, I worked for an indie music mag, I know. We reviewed lots of great bands that weren’t signed yet.”

“Okay,” Spencer said. “I just don’t want you to be disappointed.”

“I don’t think I could be,” Ryan said as they pushed through the doors and headed on to the floor. “I’m just, I can’t believe this is happening at all.”

“Good,” Spencer said. He and Ryan nodded to the kids they passed that recognized them. Well, the kids that had seen them come out from backstage and were moderately curious as to who they were.

“We have a CD,” Ryan said incredulously when they reached the merch booth and saw a few of their demos out for perusal.

“A demo, at least,” Spencer said, but he was smiling and running his fingers along one of the hard plastic cases.

“Did you guys play all of the songs on that?” someone asked from behind them.

“Plus a few more,” Ryan said, turning around and holy shit, that was Pete Wentz. “Oh, hey, aren’t you-”

“Yeah. Pete Wentz,” Pete said, holding out a hand.

“Spencer Smith,” Spencer greeted Pete.

“Uh, Ryan Ross,” Ryan said, shaking his hand firmly once he got over the shock.

“You,” Pete said, narrowing his eyes at Ryan, “seem very familiar.”

“I might’ve been at a few of your shows,” Ryan said. “But you’d have no reason to remember me.”

“No,” Pete said, snapping his fingers. “I remember you. You had a band. Same one?”

Ryan grinned and jumped up and down inside. Pete Wentz still remembered him! “Almost,” he said. “New bassist, new name, new sound, obviously. But yeah.”

“Life’s strange that way,” Pete said philosophically. “You meet people once at your show, think maybe there’s something about them. Then years later, you meet them at their show. There’s some kind of poetic parallel there. Anyway. Where’s the rest of your band? You guys are good.”

“They’re coming,” Spencer said. “They’re just cleaning up first.”

“So do you guys have much experience playing? I know Jonny Walker does from our days back in Chicago, but what about the rest of you?”

“Other than Spencer, not so much,” Ryan said, still kind of boggling. Pete Wentz! The only thing that would make this night even closer to what he’d dreamed of years ago would be if Mark Hoppus or Tom Delonge showed up out of the blue asking for t-shirts.

“I drummed for a band called Goodbye Gatling,” Spencer said, and he and Pete fell into a conversation about musicians they both knew.

“Your turn,” Brendon announced as he and Jon walked up to the merch booth.

“Jon Walker,” Pete said, stepping forward and pulling Jon into a hug.

“Pete,” Jon said. “What are you doing here?”

“I was in the neighborhood and heard from Bill you were doing a show. I thought I’d come check it out,” Pete said.

“I didn’t know Bill knew,” Jon said. “I’ve been trying to keep it on the down low until we get started, you know?”

“Too late,” Pete said cheerfully. “Anyway, I’m pretty sure Bill and Tom are talking again and that’s how he found out. Pretty much everyone knows now.”

“Did you send out a mass text?” Jon asked. He shrugged a bit when Ryan caught his eye.

“Better,” Pete said. “Check your phones.”

They all obediently pulled out their phones.

“I got nothing,” Jon said. Ryan shook his head. Spencer and Brendon looked puzzled.

“Okay, well, you guys should all follow me on Twitter,” Pete said. “I’ll give you a get out of jail free card this time though.”

Pete scrolled through his phone and handed it to Ryan. saw jon walkers new band play tonite. some of u might remember him from chicago yrs gone by. he might be coming back to the family, who knows?

“I’ve been thinking about maybe expanding the label,” Pete said. Ryan handed the phone to Spencer, who tilted the screen so Jon and Brendon could read over his shoulder.

“Are you serious?” Ryan asked. “You haven’t even listened to our demo.”

“Obviously I need to do that, and we need to talk to make sure you really are a good fit for the label,” Pete said. “But I liked what I heard tonight and I was hoping you’d be open to talking it over.”

“Thanks,” Ryan said. He looked at Spencer, Jon and Brendon. “I don’t think there are any objections, guys?”

“Nope,” Jon said. “We’d have to be pretty stupid to say no.”

“Then yeah. We’d love to talk,” Ryan said.

“When did you want to officially meet us? And where?” Spencer asked.

“Swing by AK-47 tomorrow afternoon. We’ll take over an office and work it out,” Pete said.

Ryan heard the next band strike up, let the sounds shake his bones. He smiled at Spencer and reached out to grab his hand.

“Great,” he said. “I can’t wait.”
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