(no subject)
COMM: muses_gonewild - recognition
VERSE: all/open/meta
WORD COUNT: 10039 or something.
NOTE(S): Co-written with savagetime. Why yes, this is an IC 'nominations' post for the arpea_awards. The opinions of the Masters do not reflect our OOC opinion! There are a number of brilliant characters neglected by the Masters, generally due to the Masters being dicks. No Jacks were harmed in the making of this nominations post, though they possibly will be afterwards.
Also, right alignment = savagestime, left alignment = sinister_charm. If you've seen this already, you've seen it on savagestime
MOST INTROVERTED
'Most Introverted'. Really, why not just say 'most anti-social' or 'least likely to have any form of friendship with anyone'? It conveys the same tone in a bit more... honest way.
It seems a bit silly, doesn't it? If they're introverted, it's unlikely anyone will know them. The most introverted person won't be voted for, now will they?
Thus is why I feel 'most anti-social' would work well. Everyone can identify that one loner who avoids everyone. Of course, they might not know their name. Introversion is a bit harder to spot.
Do you suppose the blond Doctor counts as an introvert? He's so quiet, even when he's pointing guns at people's faces or burning his best enemy to death. He's quiet even when he's babbling which, I have to say, is a rather incredible feat. Of course, he tends to travel with harems.
Ah! Now there is an example of introversion; even with all the friends and companions he makes, he remains reserved. Not antisocial, but not quite extroverted. But which one of him? There are a half dozen at least, three of whom we are well acquainted.
Ignore the ones we don't know! Anyone we don't know intimately isn't worth it. We've got that one trapped in Paradisa, the one you've been working on for a good while, hm?
broken_clock? He fits the bill rather well. In fact, I have it on personal account that he only leaves the TARDIS once a month, at least!
Really now? Oooh, that's quite suited. What about miseardae? Do you think he counts?
Perhaps... though he does seem to enjoy people a tad too much. He uses his emotions and experiences for manipulation. Though - that one boy, that one that keeps ending up in the TARDIS? He seems rather quiet, what do you think of him?
saythistostart? No, we can't nominate him.
Really? He always seemed withdrawn to me.
That's not the problem. We can't nominate him because I don't like him. The boy's going to be responsible for replacing the Vortex with some ridiculous 'desert of time' if he keeps spending time with my idiot Doctor. I don't want to encourage him.
Ahhh. ...Yes, I don't like that 'Time is a desert' business either.
Forgive me for sounding a bit CIA, but this is what happens when Japanese Power Rangers are allowed to have time travel.
Forgiven, as always, Self. Though, you know, when I try to think of it, there aren't that many introverted people. twelvemasks, perhaps? He usually just stands there and says a word or two. Horrible conversationalist.
Oh, yes, the boy with a line for a face. I always imagine he must've suffered some severe childhood trauma.
Or he's the Brigadier's illegitimate son - he does get around, after all. I wouldn't be surprised if they were related.
The Brig hardly counts for this, does he? Not an introverted man, despite his his lack of verbosity. Did you know, I think he's an alcoholic as well as promiscuous?
I suppose it would depend on whether or not you considered a lack of emotion - and a lack of talking about one's personal history - as introversion. ...Really? Tsk, tsk.
I think it's just being the Brigadier. Well, obviously not Brigadier Bambera.
Pity there isn't an alcoholic category. He'd win it without problem.
There isn't one? Alas! ...Oh, right. Introvert. So who're we nominating?
We can nominate five, Self. So far we have broken_clock and twelvemasks.
Do we need to nominate anyone else?
I've no idea. We don't have to - and those two have introversion in spades...
Enough to make up for the other three slots, then.
Indeed. Though you could say since there are two of us, there would be 10 to nominate... but of course, we'd end up voting for the same people.
Though if we had more than five we wished to nominate, we could split our votes.
It's almost like cheating! But shall we move on, or have any last minute names sprung into your head?
Not really. Oh, by the way! I've some tea and scones; would you like?
Of course. Thank you for the offer.
MOST EXTROVERTED
Extrovert, ohh. I don't know. Who is the most obnoxious, gregarious, loud, openly-emotional moron we know?
The Doctor, the Doctor, the Doctor, the Doctor, and the Doctor. They have the category all sewn up. Now it's a matter of which ones are the most annoying.
salvagestime, because I have to live with him.
rude_not_ginger, because he has no idea when to shut his mouth.
And he flirts with my wife.
You're going to torture him for it, yes?
Very much so. Okay, three more idiots to pick.
ihavesonic seems to be everywhere. I can't go three feet without bumping into him.
He tried to kill me, did you know that? Hands around my throat. And as delightfully entertaining as it was, I'm still a bit offended.
He did? You should have told me, Self! I would have killed him for you.
Aww, you're too kind. But I don't want to kill him. He's more fun alive.
Fine, fine, I'll let him live. Now... two more.
...anyone else annoyed us lately?
A lot of people annoy us, Self. Though there's always handysparehand. I haven't spoken with him much but I expect he's as annoying as the rest.
He'd probably try to kill us if he met us. I think he's cranky because his daddy loves us more. Which, to be fair, is kind of hilarious on both his part and the Doctor's. Oh, and notice that these men are all played by David Tennant.
Perhaps Mr. Tennant just bleeds obnoxious. One more! I'm certain we know another Tenth Doctor that annoys us.
I don't think we've ever really spoken with clever_wanderer so I suppose he's out.
Quite. And despite appearances, not_from_mars doesn't annoy me... though he is fairly social, I suppose.
He's sort of your secret BFF, isn't he?
Yes. We get on disturbingly well.
...Let's strike out this conversation from the records. There are so many of him, too.
Let's just say our fifth nomination is as follows: 'any Doctor as portrayed by David Tennant'.
I think that just about covers it!
MOST BEAUTIFUL
Seeing as 'beautiful' is a non-gender specific adjective, I can nominate anyone I like for this, yes, Self?
Of course, Self. I vote for you!
And I vote for you! No one else could ever compare.
MOST HANDSOME
And the next one is 'handsome,' yes? I vote self again.
As do I. My, that was easy.
MISS CONGENIALITY
So this one is Miss Congeniality. ...I vote Sandra Bullock.
...Do we know a Sandra Bullock?
...I don't think so. That's depressing.
Hmmm. Using her as the base... who do we know that acts most like her?
Loud, female, and with her, uh, how does the phrase go? 'heart in the right place' or something like that. .... notquiteawidow?
Perfect! Congratulations, notquiteawidow, you're now Sandra Bullock.
So, Miss Noble is Sandra Bullock; what's next?
MISTER CONGENIALITY
Well, the next category is 'Male Sandra Bullock'. ...Unless you want to think of more people who are like her, Self?
Can we vote for Donna Noble, as a man?
Don't we already have one of those? If not, we can just nominate her again.
I suppose the human Tenths might count, but they're too much like their fathers
Hmmm. This one might be a bit more difficult.
We could leave it blank.
It's probably better off that way. I doubt there are many men who could emulate Miss Bullock properly.
MOST LIKELY TO GO INSANE
I don't know about this category. It's a bit relativist. Still, who would you say, Self?
broken_clock, for one. Need I remind you that he locked me up for two months due to some delusion I'd be killed? And then his tendancy to be absolutely obsessive over me. Not to mention possessive. Also, he's becoming increasingly violent, convinces himself that everything he says is true regardless of what is actually going on... I think I've been a bit of a bad influence on him.
Do you think you've been a good bad influence or a bad bad influence?
I've only been a bad bad influence when things end up problematic for me. Otherwise, it's rather enjoyable corrupting him.
I'd put in a vote for chansondelamort. There's no better testament to approaching madness than a reality like hers.
I also nominate didorothy, because you have to be crazy to date the above - and that isn't even including all his other issues!
Many of which you're responsible, I have to note.
What can I say? I like driving people insane.
Anyone else you've driven mad? I have been working on bringing salvagestime and rude_not_ginger around to our way of thinking, but that's hardly madness, now is it?
Technically, we did send contract_star off the deep end.
Oh, yes! That was fun. And there's our good friend itsthecoat.
And people call us mad...
Compared to this lot, we're the height of sanity.
Seeing as we've already listed off seven people so quickly, I think we should move onto the next category, don't you?
Of course! ...What is it? I can't find the note cards.
MOST LIKELY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD
"Most Likely to Take Over the World", Self. A very fun category, if I do say so myself.
'World' is a bit limited, don't you think? I mean, really, just the one? Why don't we expand that to 'universe'?
Certainly. And even then, the universe is just a collection of worlds. My first nomination is you, Self.
Oh, but Self, I think you are, at the least, an equal candidate.
Of course. Though unlike some people, there's no business of 'anything you can do, I can do better'.
One of the best things about us is that we love ourselves instead of hating them. Us. Whatever.
I'd be heartsbroken if we hated each other. ...But to offer a nomination that isn't us, I do have a... sort of protege I'm rather fond of...
Is it that lovely Azula girl of yours?
Correct. sofaultless has a brilliant mind, and she's an excellent strategist. She may only be fourteen, but I think, if she tried, she could take over a world right now.
Well done, Azula!!
If I remember correctly, she and two of her friends took down an entire city capital - one her country had been trying to conquer for the past 100 years. She has skills, most definately.
Your Azula, then, seems to quite deserve this nomination.
I do try to pick them well, Self.
MOST LIKELY TO BECOME PRESIDENT
President of what?
Presumably any planet or country that possessed a presidential election.
So, President of everything that has a President?
Or anything that could potentially possess a president. Really, it isn't very clearly explained...
That seems to be a pattern in this. Well, I don't really want to be a President. I prefer Supreme Dictator. Preferably with some vague religious symbolism thrown in.
You want to be President George W. Bush, then?
No, no, remember? I killed a parody-style representation of him, renamed and inaccurately referred to as the President-Elect.
Ahhh, how forgetful of me. So... can we think of anyone that would be a good president, or should we skip it?
I don't think the office can function properly. So, on we go!
MOST LIKELY TO SEDUCE EVERYONE
Next is the category that basically screams 'I sleep with anything that moves'.
So, every version of Captain Jack.
Basically. And the Brigadier as well, I suppose, as we noted before.
So the Fact, the Brig.... anyone else you want to throw in?
I'm tempted to nominate broken_clock since he flirts with everyone.
He seems terrible for that. I suppose he doesn't understand the meaning of exclusivity.
No, he doesn't, and it's highly frustrating. But to move on, we need to pick which Jacks to go along with barelyemoting and broken_clock.
There is our own personal Jackums, of course. itsthecoat. He's spent an evening in our care, after all.
...You know, now that I think of it, I don't know that many verions of Mr. Harkness.
I don't think I've met very many either.
I'm surprised. Mr. Harkness needs to start getting around more ... though, I suppose in his absense, we could put salvagestime? He does seem to get around.
Hmph. Yes, he does.
It's alright, Self. I'll never betray you.
Thank you, Self.
Can we think of a fifth, or shall we leave it at four?
BIGGEST MALE FLIRT
What about--no, he's just easily seduced. Carry on!
I think they should have combined this category with the one we just finished...
That would have been intelligent. And I think we've proved rather well that intelligence was lacking in whoever made this ballot.
So to reiterate, our nominations are itsthecoat, broken_clock, salvagestime, and barelyemoting. That was relatively painless.
Oh, and I feel the need to nominate rude_not_ginger, as he is trying to engage in an affair with my wife.
Really, you'd think the Doctor would at least try to respect your marriage.
He'd have to respect his own first, I think. Though I guess if he killed his first wife, he's not exactly married to her anymore.
I think he's just jealous that your marriage is working out splendidly.
It is splendid, isn't it? shatteredqueen is just lovely. It's such a perfect union. I didn't expect to find that in a human, of all people. Oh, and of course, Self, my wife is your wife.
Why, thank you, Self. I don't think I ever told you that you have excellent taste in choosing partners.
Your opinion on the matter is very important to me, Self. I'm glad you agree.
BIGGEST FEMALE FLIRT
Though, since we're on the subject of women, I think this would be an excellent segue into the next category, 'Biggest Female Flirt', don't you think?
Do we know many flirtatious women?
Well, I think dameluckypants does her fair share of flirting.
I think all that time on the TARDIS has made her forget the meaning of monogamy.
I heard rumour she wasn't very monogamous to begin with, if you get my drift.
Consider your drift gotten.
Now, who else... I'm certain we know one or two more.
Doesn't witchmaker have two boyfriends? Both in a mafia.
I wonder if there will be a gang war over who gets the lovely lady's hand.
Well, rumour has it that both men seem not to mind each other's company. Looks to me like it's set-up for a threesome. ...That's sort of sweet, in a way.
That sounds like it'll be fun to watch develop. ...Ah! And how about chansondelamort? She seems to have suitors in spades.
Including two of our earlier nominated madmen. I can't find myself surprised.
Perhaps she likes them a bit... off.
There's a trite phrase about 'birds of a feather' that would apply here.
And I don't know if it counts as flirting, but notquiteawidow is a rather good kisser.
...You've gotten to kiss her? She hasn't kissed me. I think. It's hard to keep track.
She kissed me, clear out of the blue. I was rather surprised by it.
Then I vote Miss Noble gets a place on this list. Well done, Sandra Bullock.
Now she can be the 'biggest female flirt' to the Brigadier's 'biggest male flirt'. It's a perfect match.
How romantic! Though I always thought of Donna as a bit of... well, as a female Gene Hunt, but more pleasant.
...Does this mean that, in theory, Mr. Hunt is the Brigadier's type?
BIGGEST POTTYMOUTH
...That's... theoretically possible. And a thought I really don't want to consider, actually! Though I would nominate Mr Hunt for our next category.
You've no arguments from me. I expect Mr. Hunt could write a book on curse words and derogatory slang.
Oh, I didn't realise he was literate.
Ghost writers, Self. All he has to do is stand there and open his mouth.
Any other suggestions? I don't really spend much time around people lacking in verbal skill.
I think theguv has this all to himself.
He deserves all five nominations.
BIGGEST CHATTERBOX
Onto the next category: biggest chatterbox. ...Can we just nominate all the people from 'Most Extroverted'?
It would work. Frightfully well.
So I nominate handysparehand and ihavesonic.
I nominate salvagestime and rude_not_ginger.
And anyone ever played by David Tennant.
BIGGEST PARTY ANIMAL
...so this category, basically, is to nominate the individuals best at debasing themselves and those around them in 'partying' scenarios. I imagine the skills required would be the ability to get very very drunk, the tendency to go to every party, and an obnoxious and overwhelming gregariousness which, I'm sure, includes a certain amount of flirtatious behaviour.
Exactly. Do we know anyone like that?
...You know, despite the fact that we know drunkards, gregarious idiots, obnoxious morons, and flirtatious fools, we don't seem to know many people who spend a great deal of time partying.
Somehow that seems vastly disappointing. You'd think at least one of those categories would cross. I feel we need to rectify this. We need to go to a party and find the most attention grabbing drunk of the lot.
I'll put it on our schedule. ...Ooh, 'schedule.' I like how I say that this regeneration. Schedule. Schedule. Sche--ahem. Next category?
BIGGEST BADASS
'Biggest Badass', which essentially translates down to who can be the biggest annoyance while attempting to seem 'cool'. There may also be a gratuitous amount of leather, piercings, guns, or other things with which one might use to up their 'coolness' factor.
And if I never have to hear words like 'badass' and 'coolness factor' again, I'll be a very happy Time Lord. For this, I recommend itsthecoat. There's something about being self-sacrificial when you can't actually die that screams 'badass' to me.
And if I never have to say them again, I could die contently. Though, I would say it's less badass and more annoying, but I suppose some people, especially youth, would look at it and be in utter awe. Then most likely try to emulate Mr. Harkness, and hopefully get themselves killed in varying acts of stupidity. Maybe there is a silver lining to this!
That is a rather pleasant lot. Two of his Torchwood team have already died - well, and another one. That was suicide too, I think, but a bit less self-sacrificial.
Perhaps we ought to make this a new campaign. "Do you want to be badass? Jack Harkness knows how! First, look for the nearest and closest lethal object (or, for those in a pinch, a garbage disposal)..."
I always did enjoy the pure cruelty in public service announcements.
It's even better when it's universal... but following the vein of 'can't die' badassery, I would also like to nominate onedrous and tworiffic, two old 'friends' of mine.
I thought onedrous simply kept trying to get you to have sex with him.
Well, that too, but he was very useful for other things. Not to mention, he could get through any security system, and could never be harmed.
Useful pet.
Most definitely. Anyone else we can think of?
BIGGEST SNARKMASTER
Can't think of many of our unintelligent friends who'd fit this particular moniker, so no. That means we're onto the subject of snark.
And masters of it. I think we both know who ought to be nominated here.
Really, no need to say the names.
BIGGEST JERK/BITCH
You'd have to be dense not to know who we're talking about. And seeing as those who deserve nominations here are so obvious, it means we move on to 'Biggest Jerk/Bitch'.
Which can be interpreted a few ways. What sort of interpretation would you like to take?
Let's take the approach of people that tend to be inflammatory, but seem to be liked regardless?
That brings us back to our resident Gene "I Speak In Vitriol" Hunt, theguv.
He does deserve it. For all the times he's fought with me, I still find myself drawn to his company. I think I need an intervention.
To be fair, he goes to you as well. Ahhh, and what of our lovely friend, brigadierTARDIS? The lady knows no manners, and her kindness knows ... well, no one but the Doctor.
You'd think after a thousand years of life she would have learned tact, but apparently such is too difficult a concept for her. And to think, she calls me a beast. At least I'm polite.
And actually, properly alive.
You know, I think rude_not_ginger ought to make it on the list, as he is trying to steal your wife.
...Sorry, I just seethed with rage for a moment there. I should tell Lucy to claw his eyes out next time I speak to her.
We'll make him pay, Self, don't worry.
Good.
Anyone else?
Not off of the top of my head.
Nor mine. Next category?
CHARACTER YOU WANT TO SHAG
Self.
I wasn't aware I was a category.
You're my choice for it.
And you are mine, also, Self.
Did I ever tell you that I love you? I do. I really do.
You have, but I do enjoy hearing it. Call it narcissistic, but you're the best Self I could ever have. In fact, you're the one person I'm absolutely positive I love, without question.
The sentiment is more than returned.
Oh, I do love when we have 'I love you more' arguments. But we should probably save that for later.
We were deciding on whom we'd like to shag, right? ...Can't think of many other people. The lovely shatteredqueen, of course, but I hardly need to say that.
I second that nomination, but I'd also like to toss out theguv. Though I think everyone knows I've wanted to shag him for months now.
He'll give in to his repressed homosexuality any month now, I'm sure.
You know, he loves it when you purr in... or on certain places.
...Sorry, I'm not supposed to laugh during this, am I?
Feel free, I find his homophobia hilarious, especially when he's so blatantly homosexual.
A product of his times, the poor man. It's so kind of you to help him accept who he truly is.
I do what I can.
Anyone else for this category?
CHARACTER YOU WANT TO SLAP PUNCH
Not that I can think of, which means we're on to 'Characters You Want to Slap'.
I vote we replace 'slap' with 'punch.' And for that, I nominate every Doctor, ever, regardless of universe or regeneration. It's not so much because I hate them as that I'd like to have hit them all. Just because.
Then we can say 'punched'. And personally, I agree with that, though I'd also add in theguv for good measure. He's broken my nose before! Those take forever to heal.
And I'll add in hejestsatscars, as he doesn't exactly count as a Doctor. I don't feel the need to explain the choice.
I think with that we've physically assaulted the Doctor's entire timeline in multiple universes.
CHARACTER YOU WISH WOULD RETURN
He deserves to be punched twice. And never ever, ever come back, which was actually set up deliberately so we could segue into the next category, on the subject of Characters We Wish Would Return. I pick us, when we were played by Roger Delgado.
Excellent choice! ...Though one of my nominations is far more petty. I want nottwiceblessed to return so I can kill him. Then he can remain dead for all eternity.
How vicious! I like it.
I feel if I have to be locked up for months on end, I honestly should have gotten the satisfaction of actually killing him. Hmph.
That, I feel, is what constitutes as 'fairness' and 'justice' in an ideal world.
Can you think of anyone else? I don't think I have anyone I particularly want to return...
Nor me, really.
CHOICE VILLAIN
Then it's on to 'Choice Villain', which brings up the question... do we list who we find 'villainous' from our perspective, or approach things from an outside and not skewed towards our ideals way?
I'd flip a coin to decide, personally.
Heads or tails?
Heads, our perspective, tails, our opposite number's perspective.
Heads. So, that means... we could say the Doctor is villainous. He does often thwart our plans without trying to understand things from our point of view.
Many alien species suffer because of it.
In fact, one could say there are more deaths when the Doctor becomes involved.
But which of the Doctors we know have killed the most people?
Well, there is the Tenth, seeing as he killed our entire race. I would count that as an example of his capacity for slaughter.
But those were the crimes of another regeneration. Technically. The Tenth has an unfair advantage, as he's got the crimes of all his predecessors on his shoulder.
Let's blame him anyway, he's annoying.
Point. I'll also throw in timewill_tell. Cunning, manipulative, at times causing others severe emotional or mental agony....
And not to mention, he takes forever to answer my messages. It had to have been months before I was able to get him to the Cheetah Planet. But if you want to nominate a Doctor who fought the time war himself, there is perfect_shoes. Behind that handsome and seemingly amnesiac demeanour is a genocidal streak a mile wide.
He does seem to forget a lot, doesn't he? Some days, I wonder if he pushed the big red button, destroyed Gallifrey, and then said, "Whoops, I forgot it did that!"
I wouldn't be surprised if that were the case. I'm surprised he even manages to remember enough to actually pilot the TARDIS - much less even recall how to actually lead a functioning life.
While we're here, I think dameluckypants deserves a vote. Lovely woman that she is, she likes carrying around guns.
We know a lot of people who carry around guns. In fact, I nominate itsthecoat on the basis he always makes you so ill, Self. I think that counts as a greater act of villainy than genocide.
I don't take kindly to it. I get nauseous thinking about him.
Really, we need to come up with something that could keep him permanently dead. Though, I assume embedding a blade in his heart, encasing him in cement, and then dropping him on Oceanus would do well enough.
Until someone came to rescue him, of course.
If we drop him in the deepest part of the oceans, the pressure from the water would make it impossible to rescue him.
Hopefully.
I'm trying to have a positive outlook, Self.
He brings out the pessimist in me.
Then let's see who else we could nominate, hmm?
Well, there was contract_star, who very much started it.
And shinypaws who keeps trying to kill us even though we were only defending ourselves.
And miseardae who, let's put this plainly, is simply a manipulative bastard.
Yes, there are moments where I doubt his usefulness to me...
He's simply unreliable. Much like his counterpart in our universes.
He tried to slit my throat once, you know.
Do you want me to get revenge on him?
I might. I don't like being threatened.
And I don't like it when you're threatened, either. I worry, Self.
I know you do, and I'm truthfully sorry for making you worry. You know I love you, and I'd never want to upset you.
Don't apologise, Self. We'll just have to put our new acquisitions to good use, soon.
Good.
CHOICE HERO
Hey, Self?
Hmmm?
Did you ever know that you're my hero? ...sorry. Sorry. I should probably be forced to regenerate again for saying that. Hopefully into someone ginger. The next category is for the Choice Hero, and my choice is you.
Oooh, you mean into that Danila fellow? I do like him, though he could do without the corset, it must be crushing his internal organs... but back on track! Self, I'm absolutely honoured, and I return the gesture. After all, if the Doctor is the villain, you're obviously the hero.
The corset is a little--ahh, yes. Right. The topic at hand. I would also like to nominate your lovely sofaultless, for staying true to her LJ username.
Ahh, yes. And really, all her nation wants is to bring the world into the iron age. Honestly, I see that as being a good thing, don't you?
I do! I might consider nominating goodathart but I think he's going to try to kill the Doctor. Which is simply not allowed.
Really. Well, I think we can save judgment until things are set in stone - though we can prepare.
Of course.
CHOICE ANTI-HERO
Then on to 'Choice Anti-Hero'. A lovely category, if I say so myself. These people ride the line of villainy and yet still come out doing the 'right thing' in the end.
It's really fun to watch, from a distance. Terrible thing if you choose them to stay by your side.
You never quite know when you're going to betrayed, if you deal with them. I almost want to nominate theguv. He is of fairly questionable morality from time to time.
If by 'from time to time' you mean 'daily,' then I'll accept that assessment.
I never said how short or long said time as, after all.
Then theguv it is.
I would say didorothy is well on his way to anti-hero; with his apparent enjoyment of murder. Though I would appreciate if he turned such desires on people that aren't me.
As much as he might like to contest the point, I don't care to. But really, Self, you've been such a bad influence on the pair of them. The poor boys will end up vigilantes if you keep it up. I'm quite proud of you, actually.
As I've said, I do enjoy corruption. And I'm just... cultivating natural impulses.
No fun if it's all artificial, after all. Not really art, then.
I'm so proud of them, too. They're both so talented at killing, really.
They're really quite the sweet pet project of yours. Someone has to bring flashknickers along to join in with her comrades.
You do have a marvelous way with women, Self, and your resemblance to Mr. Tyler might assist in turning her towards our way of thinking.
It is a rather tempting suggestion. I'll certainly keep the idea in mind.
We can get together later and plan the detail.
CHOICE DAMSEL IN DISTRESS
Though, could we nominate her for the next category?
Oh, I don't know. While she certainly is a damsel, I don't know if she's in particular distress.
She certainly doesn't often seem it. More likely to be rescuing her boyfriend, really.
Maybe we ought to nominate didorothy instead.
And his charming friend theguv, who, for those of you not aware, was recently kidnapped by my brilliant and intelligent Self, and held prisoner until he could be rescued.
Mmm, that was a lovely week, save for the ending.
We'll have our revenge yet. I think another fair nomination would be changehistory, who was not only imprisoned in a coffin, but only got out after the person who imprisoned him decided to pop up to rescue him.
Tsk, tsk. Notice how in 'damsel in distress', we don't have a single female on here? Really, the males need to step it up a bit.
Ladies of the multiverse, it seems you've achieved your liberation.
You deserve a round of applause. No longer do you need a big, strong man to come rescue you. Instead, you now have to rescue your men non-stop. Wearing trousers, equal-but-not-really pay, saving men from various dooms... what else could you possibly want?
A good drink, probably.
CHOICE CHILD MUSE
Though this gives a good lead-in to the next category - Choice Child Muse! Seeing as women are casting away their traditional roles, will children eventually become a thing of the past? Though I suppose we already know the answer to that one.
The handy thing about time-travel. I don't know that many children, actually. seventhcoil?
I do like her. She's intelligent, bright, generally sympathetic towards my plight on Cheetah Planet...
And what a terrible plight it is.
I'd also like to nominate sofaultless. She's like the daughter I never had or knew I wanted.
Such an accomplished young lady.
Other than that... I don't know of any others.
CHOICE PARENT MUSE
Do we know any parents, then? As it's the next category along.
Well, the only one I can think of is the Doctor, and we know how that turned out...
I don't believe we've any real nominations for the category.
CHOICE MALE CANON CHARACTER
Unless we just wanted to nominate ourselves, since compared to the Doctor, we'd be better at it. But either way, that means we move onto "Choice Male Canon Character". Self? I nominate you for this, of course.
I, of course, nominate you. Moving on?
Moving on.
CHOICE FEMALE CANON CHARACTER
Our favourite ladies, then? I of course must select my wonderful wife, shatteredqueen. And I'd also like to add in ambitious_woman who is a challenge.
Wonderful choices, both of them. Both beautiful, of ...varying intellect, useful... what more could we ask for? Though I must also recommend notquiteawidow. I suppose she managed to charm me a bit - I rather enjoy her.
I have to agree; I'd actually be willing to share a TARDIS with the lovely lady.
As would I. Perhaps we ought to find some universe where she's a companion of ours.
It would be rather nice.
And that's saying something, as I don't particularly like taking companions.
She's certainly shown her worth.
In multiple ways. But if you have no other nominations, I suppose we ought to move on?
I think we can carry on, yes.
CHOICE MALE FANDOM ORIGINAL CHARACTER
Then on to Choice Male Fandom Original Character. Quite a mouthful, I think. My first nomination would be edacity, a future companion of ours.
Is he? Very nice. Mine would be conflictedideal who is very fun to play with. Both on the meta roleplaying level and the more in-universe level of emotional manipulation
Oh? Do tell. I don't get to meet as many OCs as I'd like; there simply aren't a lot around, you see.
He's a Time Lord. Not a particularly interesting one - not a politician, not an artist, and not a renegade. But his lovely lady is a renegade. And he feels the need to run off after her and bring her back to Gallifrey, before the CIA has its way. He's wonderfully naive, in ways, lots of fun.
The lovely lady seems quite interesting.
CHOICE FEMALE FANDOM ORIGINAL CHARACTER
Yes, lessthanmurder, whom I'd nominate for Choice Female Fandom Original Character.
And while we're here, and even though she mistreats us so, there is thisway_comes. The Rani, no matter the regeneration and no matter the demeanour, is always lovely.
No matter her face, she vindicates the saying that the female of the species is more deadly than the male.
I can still feel the pain from when she kicked me. That was entirely uncalled for.
I'd explain why we still like her, but it can't be good of us to flatter her ego.
She'd most likely dismiss it as the nonsensical ramblings of a pair of madmen.
Lovely woman, yes.
CHOICE MALE NON-FANDOM ORIGINAL CHARACTER
Most definitely one of my favourites. But we can wax poetic for hours on the Rani, so I think we ought to move on to the next category, "Choice Male Non-Fandom Original Character." ...Of which, I can't think of any. Can you, Self?
I... don't think I actually have much experience with them.
...Well then, I think we ought to skip both these categories entirely.
CHOICE NON-HUMAN CHARACTER
Does that bring us to Non-Humans?
Yes, it does! And I can think of a few people for this one, for example: cyfor.
Our favourite feline friend. So sweet! So soft-furred. So wonderfully telepathic.
A perfect spy. And no, I won't lower myself to make the pun.
Which is good of you.
Now then, I think we know a few other animals... I did enjoy noking when she was around.
If only she'd reapply.
I know you're reading this, so you'd better hurry up on those apps, my dear!
Or we'll be very very threatening. Anyone else you care to suggest?
There is smilodog. Her name does tend to explain her general demeanour.
I don't think I know her.
Bloodspill. She's over in paradisa, and used to be on riotously.
I see.
Basically, she's a giant red wolf that talks less than the Brigadier does.
I didn't think that possible.
Neither did I, but apparently it is.
Anyone else in mind?
CHOICE MALE NPC
Not really, which would bring us to Choice Male NPC, if we move on.
I was actually thinking about this; I can think of female NPCs a lot quicker than men.
Surprisingly enough, I can't think of many men myself - which I find amusing, based on the fact certain... individuals often joke about our preferences.
CHOICE FEMALE NPC
...It's out of love, self, that I've decided not to comment on your hips, and their relative honesty. Now, shot_my_shoes does have a rather well-developed father-character, but Mr Sullivan is one of the assistants. You know how we are about most of those. So I say we move on to female NPCs!
...I think I'd only be able to accept that sort of comment from you, Self, as I doubt it would be in complete mockery. They were, after all, once yours.
Female NPCs, Self.
Yes! Yes, I know. Give me a minute, I need to go through the list of ones I like.
I like your Bali.
I do too, when she isn't making sexual advances. ...Can I just nominate all the female NPCs I've had? I like them.
How many NPCs have you had, Self? Should I be getting jealous?
Well, there is Bali, then Shiyah, and Allison, the lovely yet frustrating Miss Tyr...
I am wounded. I would like to nominate salvagestime's Ruth, because she was fun to kill, and his Jordan, because I haven't actually felt compelled to kill her. Yet.
I'll share them with you if you like, Self. Shiyah is particularly enjoyable... But ahhh, Self. You will eventually. Though I am disappointed - you have a tragically small list of NPCs, or at least ones that aren't canonical and most likely aren't played somewhere. You need to get one so I can nominate it.
I don't know what it is, but something about this regeneration compels me to kill most people I meet if I can.
I can solve that problem. Take some annoying young woman to a very dangerous planet and point her in the direction of danger.
But my first choice for that is Perpugilliam Brown. I'm too old; the canon has gone on too long. There are too many loose-ends left for me to deal with.
Now now, Self. No need to talk like that.
Why not? The Doctor does. ...Sorry. I shouldn't get bitter about my era, should I? Everyone's era has something wrong with it, I'm sure.
Except Delgado's. His was very nice, but I might just be nostalgic and disappointed with what I was given for plots.
This is not the time to bring up the fact that our great Chronovore ally was a person in a birdsuit, then, yes?
...Self, why? I was having a perfectly nice time believing that for once in our lives everything was utterly perfect.
Sorry, sorry! What's the next topic?
CUTEST COUPLE
Something that shall give us ample gossip... "Cutest Couple". ...Though that seems more saccharine than gossip worthy.
I vote we skip it. Unless you can, off the top of your head, think of the most sickeningly sweet pair of individuals we know. I think I've blanched them out of my mind, whoever they may be.
I agree. Next?
CRAZIEST COUPLE
For this, we should look up at our nominations for Most Likely To Go Insane, and pick out pairs from them.
One of them leaps to mind particularly: chansondelamort/didorothy, our resident crazed lovebirds.
Should they ever manage to actually have sex. I'd also selected contract_star to be paired off wth chansondelamort, if only because they're both mad and they're living in the same house. She's a nymphomaniac; he's a virgin. Something has to happen some time.
A virgin? Tsk, tsk. You'd think with his occupation he'd have decided to do the deed and experience everything before his death. But I'd like to offer another one, itsthecoat/dameluckypants. Both of them are rather mad, in their own way, and we both know they're shagging. Well, when Ianto isn't being fussy, anyway.
So, when Mr Jones is asleep.
You know, I've been wondering what Mr. Jones will do when the Year That Never Was ends, seeing as he'll be getting his own Mr. Harkness back.
Theoretically, that would end the deviation, and put him in Captain Jack Harkness's universe. Though there would be still a time-lag.
Rather messy business, deviations.
Don't I know it. "Blah blah blah you're cheating on me with my alternate universe self" They're so irritating. Both of them. Thank Rassilon for Lucy. Next?
FUNNIEST COUPLE
"Funniest Couple". There are many ways to interpret this, such as both people being rather humourous, or that the couple itself is so outlandish it's hilarious...
Or that their interactions are often hilarious, or, yes, variations on a theme.
Which shall we pick?
We could use all.
Then we shall. To begin, I offer a wonderfully dysfunctional set, illicitsolution/egregiousity. These two hyperplanned all their sexual encounters and somehow, through the course of a year, inflicted mass bodily harm on each other in many hilarious ways, most of them unintentional.
You're going to have to get me recordings of all of those, and popcorn.
Thursdays were they're... 'hotel days'. I think you can guess what went on then.
When you said 'hyperplanned' you really did mean hyperplanned.
I do try to be accurate in these things, Self.
I tend to hyperbolize. Based purely on a thread of bickering spotted in sixwordstories, I'd nominate mr_colbert and legal_parasite. Both being comedic characters, they have that to their advantage. They also had a rather entertaining debate involving the Boston teaparty, and Americans trying to make Britain a Very Very Big cup of tea. See what I said about hyperbole?
Though, I can see a very significant flaw in the 'tea' side of the debate. Too salty.
I never said the British were any more intelligent.
I never said either were. After all, they're all human.
And we all know what those are like.
I have to say didorothy/anyone is instant hilarity. I mean... just look at Mr. Tyler.
I hope you're not talking about his physical appearance.
No, Self, I'm not. I meant look at how he carries himself. You, on the other hand, do a remarkable job with your body... though we don't need to discuss that.
Thank you, Self.
You know I wouldn't mean you any offense; I do love you so.
Aww, Self! Oh! I've got one. not_just_teaboy/cyfor.
...You know, you just inferred that Mr. Jones is into bestiality with that.
And what's funnier than that? I always get kicks out of all of the Doctor's affairs with humans, after all.
Well, technically we can't say much... we do have Lucy.
Lucy doesn't count.
Exceptions can be made for us, you mean. That's something I can fully endorse.
Quite right.
Any more nominations, or shall we...?
SEXUALLY HOTTEST COUPLE
We shall. This is 'sexually hottest couple,' which I think is an euphemism for "Which couple produces the most stimulating pornography.'
Essentially. Though even then, stimulating pornography is dependent upon personal tastes... while some might nominate Mr. Harkness, I think I'd find pornography starring him to be incredibly unappealing.
Stop, Self; you're making me sick already.
I'm making myself sick. Let's start listing off some appealing choices to make up for Mr. Harkness' existence.
Anything involving ambitious_woman. Because with her, it's not pornographic.
Lovely choice. I wouldn't mind watching a few recordings of her. ...Now, say what you like about me being a narcissist, but I feel I ought to nominate us for good measure. Not that anyone else gets to watch, but I feel we're an excellent judge of ourselves.
I do find our interactions very stimulating, yes.
Mmm... yes. I also must, regretfully, suggest broken_clock. Preferably with myself, but the way he gets around, he might've shared his particular talents with everyone by now.
You really need to have words with him. And by 'words' I mean 'sharp pointy objects.' Or blunt ones. Depends on your mood.
Oh, Self, if only you knew. He gets off on both. It's his idea of a good time in bed.
That puts that right out, then, doesn't it?
While it makes it very hard to punish him, it does make for enjoyable sex. So I can't quite decide if the masochistic kink is an advantage or not.
Depends, then.
Very much so.
I can't really think of anyone particularly sexually attractive. That's the problem with having a devout asexualist sector in the fandom for so long. You don't really know if you can have sex with anyone, let alone if you want to.
Though the Rani did prove that we were equipped, but I suppose the argument could be made that I have a Trakenite body, not Gallifreyan.
But you could argue that the fact that considered kicking there at all does imply there's something there to be kicked. And of course, the Doctor's had instances where he's been naked. And no humans in the area were incredibly disturbed. Though Donna probably wasn't in any position to really assess, at the time, and I doubt Ms Holloway was really looking.
Ah, there was also the Doctor's stay in the hospital shortly after regenerating into his Third. I'd think with all the unusual things they were keeping in their files, they would have noted a certain lack of reproductive organs.
But we can't be certain they didn't note it.
What about those fellows who saw the Doctor naked in the shower? Either they saw something or they assumed the Doctor was very small.
They wouldn't be wrong, I'm sure.
I always did think he was compensating for something.
Now we know.
MOST SQUISHABLE COUPLE
I think we've sufficiently insulted the Doctor's manhood for one category, and I'll take it onto our next one. It's second in the line of saccharine sweet. "Most Squishable Couple." Who comes up with these things?
Someone who didn't expect us to interpret this category as: which pair of people would we most like to run over with a bulldozer.
I like that interpretation. First off, itsthecoat and anyone who consorts with him. It doesn't matter who specifically; anyone who keeps company with him really isn't worth our time.
Fair point. And that neatly covers most of my suggestions on the topic. He consorts with a number of very squishable people.
And you know, we'd get multiple squishings out of Mr. Harkness. I wouldn't be adverse to that.
Mmm, yes. By remote control! I always wanted to try something like that out
We could time it so that every time he becomes whole again, another bulldozer goes over him!
Or give him just enough gap that he can see his other friends die via bulldozer before dying himself once again!
If we set up the track just right, he'd have to watch all his friends die a bloody, agonising death before him.
MOST UNLIKELY COUPLE
...put that on our to-do list! Next up is the Most Unlikely Couple. Which, really, has to go to notquitewidow and barelyemoting. I hear they've actually snogged, now.
They have, only after months of awkward flirting with one another. Considering the Brigadier's way of getting around, you'd think he'd have already made some sort of moves on her.
And with how asserting Miss Noble is...
It's almost mind boggling, really. Perhaps all your prompting made them curious.
I would like to think I did a good deed, as such.
We always did like helping people discover romance, in a way.
Particularly our beloved UNIT friends.
Though, speaking of unlikely couples... Mr. Tyler has so many suitors that I feel he ought to qualify.
Has he?
chansondelamort, flashknickers, theguv, need I go on?
No no, I meant the 'unlikely' bit.
Well, taking it in the literal sense, can you see him getting with any of them?
Not really, no. Point.
They really need to stop making these so open to interpretation. It'll only end up baffling most people.
For people in generally are not very bright.
Any other recommendations, Self?
Not immediate ones.
MOST SHOULD-GET-TOGETHER-ALREADY COUPLE
Considering how things work, we'll most likely think of more once were finished - but for now, we'll move onto "Most Should-Get-Together-Already Couple", which I wish had a different name; preferably one that wasn't so awkwardly worded.
My ears cringe.
You're lucky you weren't the one that had to say it.
So! Who's not shagging and really should be?
Well, I have to nominate your choice in 'unlikely couple', barelyemoting/notquiteawidow. We both know they're going to eventually, and honestly, they should have been shagging ages ago.
But if they've kissed, do they really count?
Have they officially started dating? I'm not sure.
I don't know either.
We'll have to ask next time we see either of them.
I suppose we could phone in their voice mails!
I'll handle the lovely Miss Noble if you handle the Brigadier?
Aww, why can't I annoy Donna?
Because my mun tries to keep me from interacting with the Brigadier for her own sanity. I'm apparently no longer allowed to play with him.
That's not fair at all.
No, it isn't. After all, the Brigadier is one of my favourite people.
Who else isn't shagging that ought be?
theguv and I? Though I suppose I shouldn't be nominating myself again and again... but I don't care!
Your brazen disregard for the rules and laws of ethics is so admirable, Self.
I wouldn't call it disregard for rules or ethics so much as simply not playing 'fair'. Though, if I knew someone you ought to be shagging, but aren't, I'd nominate you.
Fortunately, I'm having sex with everyone I should be having sex with!
Which is how things ought to be.
MOST MADE-FOR-EACH-OTHER COUPLE
Of course. Speaking of how things ought to be - "most made-for-each-other couple" which I'd rename but I really don't have the interest or attention span to.
Yes, you've been doing rather well for this whole thing, Self. Usually I have to pull your attention back to things multiple times.
There's nothing wrong with a little attention deficiency. Unless it's in someone else.
Indeed, and I make up for whatever lack you might have; but we're deviating already. I think I'm going to nominate us again. We're the same person; it'd be difficult for us not to go with the general definition of 'made for each other'.
True! And a literal example of 'made for each other' would be fey_fire and sand_andwater.
If you want more literal examples, there is, of course, you and salvagestime.
That's the journal titles only. I was made for myself. Which is, now that I think of it, you! Reiterating your point.
You may not've been made for him, but I feel I can nominate the journal titles. I like nominating you for things, Self. If I could get away with it I would have nominated you for everything.
Hopefully not 'squishable'.
Thus would be why I said 'if I could'. There are a few categories where, if I nominated you, my devotion to you would be called into question.
Sad and tragic as that may be. I suppose broken_clock was, in a way, made for you. Sort of.
And the bits of him that weren't, I've been molding to suit me.
Hence the kinks as noted earlier. Be careful you don't end up with someone like miseardae, though.
Oh, I will, Self. I'm being very careful with him.
Good.
Can you think of any others, Self?
Don't think so, no.
CHOICE CANON COUPLE
Which means we're onto "Choice Canon Couple". Now, by 'canon couple', does it have to be something seen in canon, or is it just two canonical muses?
I'll dock points for vagueness, but I think I'll consider it 'something seen in canon.'
Then off hand I will suggest rude_not_ginger and ambitious_woman. They may not have had a lengthy bit of screentime together, but you can't deny that something was going on between them.
He hasn't the intelligence or wit to match her. Hm... let's see.... I don't like a fair number of people, so they're all off of the list.
Ah! There's you and shatteredqueen, Self.
She is the perfect wife. My perfect wife. Let me remind the audience that any interactions between her and any Doctors are entirely non-canonical, entirely invalid, and, for any Doctors in the audience, entirely punishable by death. Hers, not yours, though you can have front-row seating. I do it out of love. Self, I don't suppose you and broken_clock count, hm?
As said, that relies on one's definition of canonical. And one's interpretation of our interactions on screen.
Point for: we were really quite gay for him. Point against: he killed us. With fire. Of course, given his rather Puritan mindset, that may've been his way of coping with the attraction. Hard to tell with that regeneration.
Another point for: when he was dying, the last thought he had was of me. Of course, I was telling him to die, but I really do think that says something about him.
And we all know what 'death' is a euphemism for.
That we do. Now... hmm. Really, there should be other people we could nominate, but I'm regretfully falling short.
That's because we killed Jack already.
And have him trapped in the infinite squishing track.
Forever and ever and ever. Rassilon be praised. Or Omega. The Other? Someone needs to be praised. Oh yeah - us!
We really do need to set up a religion for you, Self. I think it'd please you for years.
Is it so wrong to love cults?
No - after all, we had one once when we were Delgado. Oh, so it wasn't them worshipping us, but it did provide good work experience.
(TO BE CONTINUED AT: http://sinister-charm.livejournal.com/37387.html)
VERSE: all/open/meta
WORD COUNT: 10039 or something.
NOTE(S): Co-written with savagetime. Why yes, this is an IC 'nominations' post for the arpea_awards. The opinions of the Masters do not reflect our OOC opinion! There are a number of brilliant characters neglected by the Masters, generally due to the Masters being dicks. No Jacks were harmed in the making of this nominations post, though they possibly will be afterwards.
Also, right alignment = savagestime, left alignment = sinister_charm. If you've seen this already, you've seen it on savagestime
MOST INTROVERTED
'Most Introverted'. Really, why not just say 'most anti-social' or 'least likely to have any form of friendship with anyone'? It conveys the same tone in a bit more... honest way.
It seems a bit silly, doesn't it? If they're introverted, it's unlikely anyone will know them. The most introverted person won't be voted for, now will they?
Thus is why I feel 'most anti-social' would work well. Everyone can identify that one loner who avoids everyone. Of course, they might not know their name. Introversion is a bit harder to spot.
Do you suppose the blond Doctor counts as an introvert? He's so quiet, even when he's pointing guns at people's faces or burning his best enemy to death. He's quiet even when he's babbling which, I have to say, is a rather incredible feat. Of course, he tends to travel with harems.
Ah! Now there is an example of introversion; even with all the friends and companions he makes, he remains reserved. Not antisocial, but not quite extroverted. But which one of him? There are a half dozen at least, three of whom we are well acquainted.
Ignore the ones we don't know! Anyone we don't know intimately isn't worth it. We've got that one trapped in Paradisa, the one you've been working on for a good while, hm?
broken_clock? He fits the bill rather well. In fact, I have it on personal account that he only leaves the TARDIS once a month, at least!
Really now? Oooh, that's quite suited. What about miseardae? Do you think he counts?
Perhaps... though he does seem to enjoy people a tad too much. He uses his emotions and experiences for manipulation. Though - that one boy, that one that keeps ending up in the TARDIS? He seems rather quiet, what do you think of him?
saythistostart? No, we can't nominate him.
Really? He always seemed withdrawn to me.
That's not the problem. We can't nominate him because I don't like him. The boy's going to be responsible for replacing the Vortex with some ridiculous 'desert of time' if he keeps spending time with my idiot Doctor. I don't want to encourage him.
Ahhh. ...Yes, I don't like that 'Time is a desert' business either.
Forgive me for sounding a bit CIA, but this is what happens when Japanese Power Rangers are allowed to have time travel.
Forgiven, as always, Self. Though, you know, when I try to think of it, there aren't that many introverted people. twelvemasks, perhaps? He usually just stands there and says a word or two. Horrible conversationalist.
Oh, yes, the boy with a line for a face. I always imagine he must've suffered some severe childhood trauma.
Or he's the Brigadier's illegitimate son - he does get around, after all. I wouldn't be surprised if they were related.
The Brig hardly counts for this, does he? Not an introverted man, despite his his lack of verbosity. Did you know, I think he's an alcoholic as well as promiscuous?
I suppose it would depend on whether or not you considered a lack of emotion - and a lack of talking about one's personal history - as introversion. ...Really? Tsk, tsk.
I think it's just being the Brigadier. Well, obviously not Brigadier Bambera.
Pity there isn't an alcoholic category. He'd win it without problem.
There isn't one? Alas! ...Oh, right. Introvert. So who're we nominating?
We can nominate five, Self. So far we have broken_clock and twelvemasks.
Do we need to nominate anyone else?
I've no idea. We don't have to - and those two have introversion in spades...
Enough to make up for the other three slots, then.
Indeed. Though you could say since there are two of us, there would be 10 to nominate... but of course, we'd end up voting for the same people.
Though if we had more than five we wished to nominate, we could split our votes.
It's almost like cheating! But shall we move on, or have any last minute names sprung into your head?
Not really. Oh, by the way! I've some tea and scones; would you like?
Of course. Thank you for the offer.
MOST EXTROVERTED
Extrovert, ohh. I don't know. Who is the most obnoxious, gregarious, loud, openly-emotional moron we know?
The Doctor, the Doctor, the Doctor, the Doctor, and the Doctor. They have the category all sewn up. Now it's a matter of which ones are the most annoying.
salvagestime, because I have to live with him.
rude_not_ginger, because he has no idea when to shut his mouth.
And he flirts with my wife.
You're going to torture him for it, yes?
Very much so. Okay, three more idiots to pick.
ihavesonic seems to be everywhere. I can't go three feet without bumping into him.
He tried to kill me, did you know that? Hands around my throat. And as delightfully entertaining as it was, I'm still a bit offended.
He did? You should have told me, Self! I would have killed him for you.
Aww, you're too kind. But I don't want to kill him. He's more fun alive.
Fine, fine, I'll let him live. Now... two more.
...anyone else annoyed us lately?
A lot of people annoy us, Self. Though there's always handysparehand. I haven't spoken with him much but I expect he's as annoying as the rest.
He'd probably try to kill us if he met us. I think he's cranky because his daddy loves us more. Which, to be fair, is kind of hilarious on both his part and the Doctor's. Oh, and notice that these men are all played by David Tennant.
Perhaps Mr. Tennant just bleeds obnoxious. One more! I'm certain we know another Tenth Doctor that annoys us.
I don't think we've ever really spoken with clever_wanderer so I suppose he's out.
Quite. And despite appearances, not_from_mars doesn't annoy me... though he is fairly social, I suppose.
He's sort of your secret BFF, isn't he?
Yes. We get on disturbingly well.
...Let's strike out this conversation from the records. There are so many of him, too.
Let's just say our fifth nomination is as follows: 'any Doctor as portrayed by David Tennant'.
I think that just about covers it!
MOST BEAUTIFUL
Seeing as 'beautiful' is a non-gender specific adjective, I can nominate anyone I like for this, yes, Self?
Of course, Self. I vote for you!
And I vote for you! No one else could ever compare.
MOST HANDSOME
And the next one is 'handsome,' yes? I vote self again.
As do I. My, that was easy.
MISS CONGENIALITY
So this one is Miss Congeniality. ...I vote Sandra Bullock.
...Do we know a Sandra Bullock?
...I don't think so. That's depressing.
Hmmm. Using her as the base... who do we know that acts most like her?
Loud, female, and with her, uh, how does the phrase go? 'heart in the right place' or something like that. .... notquiteawidow?
Perfect! Congratulations, notquiteawidow, you're now Sandra Bullock.
So, Miss Noble is Sandra Bullock; what's next?
MISTER CONGENIALITY
Well, the next category is 'Male Sandra Bullock'. ...Unless you want to think of more people who are like her, Self?
Can we vote for Donna Noble, as a man?
Don't we already have one of those? If not, we can just nominate her again.
I suppose the human Tenths might count, but they're too much like their fathers
Hmmm. This one might be a bit more difficult.
We could leave it blank.
It's probably better off that way. I doubt there are many men who could emulate Miss Bullock properly.
MOST LIKELY TO GO INSANE
I don't know about this category. It's a bit relativist. Still, who would you say, Self?
broken_clock, for one. Need I remind you that he locked me up for two months due to some delusion I'd be killed? And then his tendancy to be absolutely obsessive over me. Not to mention possessive. Also, he's becoming increasingly violent, convinces himself that everything he says is true regardless of what is actually going on... I think I've been a bit of a bad influence on him.
Do you think you've been a good bad influence or a bad bad influence?
I've only been a bad bad influence when things end up problematic for me. Otherwise, it's rather enjoyable corrupting him.
I'd put in a vote for chansondelamort. There's no better testament to approaching madness than a reality like hers.
I also nominate didorothy, because you have to be crazy to date the above - and that isn't even including all his other issues!
Many of which you're responsible, I have to note.
What can I say? I like driving people insane.
Anyone else you've driven mad? I have been working on bringing salvagestime and rude_not_ginger around to our way of thinking, but that's hardly madness, now is it?
Technically, we did send contract_star off the deep end.
Oh, yes! That was fun. And there's our good friend itsthecoat.
And people call us mad...
Compared to this lot, we're the height of sanity.
Seeing as we've already listed off seven people so quickly, I think we should move onto the next category, don't you?
Of course! ...What is it? I can't find the note cards.
MOST LIKELY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD
"Most Likely to Take Over the World", Self. A very fun category, if I do say so myself.
'World' is a bit limited, don't you think? I mean, really, just the one? Why don't we expand that to 'universe'?
Certainly. And even then, the universe is just a collection of worlds. My first nomination is you, Self.
Oh, but Self, I think you are, at the least, an equal candidate.
Of course. Though unlike some people, there's no business of 'anything you can do, I can do better'.
One of the best things about us is that we love ourselves instead of hating them. Us. Whatever.
I'd be heartsbroken if we hated each other. ...But to offer a nomination that isn't us, I do have a... sort of protege I'm rather fond of...
Is it that lovely Azula girl of yours?
Correct. sofaultless has a brilliant mind, and she's an excellent strategist. She may only be fourteen, but I think, if she tried, she could take over a world right now.
Well done, Azula!!
If I remember correctly, she and two of her friends took down an entire city capital - one her country had been trying to conquer for the past 100 years. She has skills, most definately.
Your Azula, then, seems to quite deserve this nomination.
I do try to pick them well, Self.
MOST LIKELY TO BECOME PRESIDENT
President of what?
Presumably any planet or country that possessed a presidential election.
So, President of everything that has a President?
Or anything that could potentially possess a president. Really, it isn't very clearly explained...
That seems to be a pattern in this. Well, I don't really want to be a President. I prefer Supreme Dictator. Preferably with some vague religious symbolism thrown in.
You want to be President George W. Bush, then?
No, no, remember? I killed a parody-style representation of him, renamed and inaccurately referred to as the President-Elect.
Ahhh, how forgetful of me. So... can we think of anyone that would be a good president, or should we skip it?
I don't think the office can function properly. So, on we go!
MOST LIKELY TO SEDUCE EVERYONE
Next is the category that basically screams 'I sleep with anything that moves'.
So, every version of Captain Jack.
Basically. And the Brigadier as well, I suppose, as we noted before.
So the Fact, the Brig.... anyone else you want to throw in?
I'm tempted to nominate broken_clock since he flirts with everyone.
He seems terrible for that. I suppose he doesn't understand the meaning of exclusivity.
No, he doesn't, and it's highly frustrating. But to move on, we need to pick which Jacks to go along with barelyemoting and broken_clock.
There is our own personal Jackums, of course. itsthecoat. He's spent an evening in our care, after all.
...You know, now that I think of it, I don't know that many verions of Mr. Harkness.
I don't think I've met very many either.
I'm surprised. Mr. Harkness needs to start getting around more ... though, I suppose in his absense, we could put salvagestime? He does seem to get around.
Hmph. Yes, he does.
It's alright, Self. I'll never betray you.
Thank you, Self.
Can we think of a fifth, or shall we leave it at four?
BIGGEST MALE FLIRT
What about--no, he's just easily seduced. Carry on!
I think they should have combined this category with the one we just finished...
That would have been intelligent. And I think we've proved rather well that intelligence was lacking in whoever made this ballot.
So to reiterate, our nominations are itsthecoat, broken_clock, salvagestime, and barelyemoting. That was relatively painless.
Oh, and I feel the need to nominate rude_not_ginger, as he is trying to engage in an affair with my wife.
Really, you'd think the Doctor would at least try to respect your marriage.
He'd have to respect his own first, I think. Though I guess if he killed his first wife, he's not exactly married to her anymore.
I think he's just jealous that your marriage is working out splendidly.
It is splendid, isn't it? shatteredqueen is just lovely. It's such a perfect union. I didn't expect to find that in a human, of all people. Oh, and of course, Self, my wife is your wife.
Why, thank you, Self. I don't think I ever told you that you have excellent taste in choosing partners.
Your opinion on the matter is very important to me, Self. I'm glad you agree.
BIGGEST FEMALE FLIRT
Though, since we're on the subject of women, I think this would be an excellent segue into the next category, 'Biggest Female Flirt', don't you think?
Do we know many flirtatious women?
Well, I think dameluckypants does her fair share of flirting.
I think all that time on the TARDIS has made her forget the meaning of monogamy.
I heard rumour she wasn't very monogamous to begin with, if you get my drift.
Consider your drift gotten.
Now, who else... I'm certain we know one or two more.
Doesn't witchmaker have two boyfriends? Both in a mafia.
I wonder if there will be a gang war over who gets the lovely lady's hand.
Well, rumour has it that both men seem not to mind each other's company. Looks to me like it's set-up for a threesome. ...That's sort of sweet, in a way.
That sounds like it'll be fun to watch develop. ...Ah! And how about chansondelamort? She seems to have suitors in spades.
Including two of our earlier nominated madmen. I can't find myself surprised.
Perhaps she likes them a bit... off.
There's a trite phrase about 'birds of a feather' that would apply here.
And I don't know if it counts as flirting, but notquiteawidow is a rather good kisser.
...You've gotten to kiss her? She hasn't kissed me. I think. It's hard to keep track.
She kissed me, clear out of the blue. I was rather surprised by it.
Then I vote Miss Noble gets a place on this list. Well done, Sandra Bullock.
Now she can be the 'biggest female flirt' to the Brigadier's 'biggest male flirt'. It's a perfect match.
How romantic! Though I always thought of Donna as a bit of... well, as a female Gene Hunt, but more pleasant.
...Does this mean that, in theory, Mr. Hunt is the Brigadier's type?
BIGGEST POTTYMOUTH
...That's... theoretically possible. And a thought I really don't want to consider, actually! Though I would nominate Mr Hunt for our next category.
You've no arguments from me. I expect Mr. Hunt could write a book on curse words and derogatory slang.
Oh, I didn't realise he was literate.
Ghost writers, Self. All he has to do is stand there and open his mouth.
Any other suggestions? I don't really spend much time around people lacking in verbal skill.
I think theguv has this all to himself.
He deserves all five nominations.
BIGGEST CHATTERBOX
Onto the next category: biggest chatterbox. ...Can we just nominate all the people from 'Most Extroverted'?
It would work. Frightfully well.
So I nominate handysparehand and ihavesonic.
I nominate salvagestime and rude_not_ginger.
And anyone ever played by David Tennant.
BIGGEST PARTY ANIMAL
...so this category, basically, is to nominate the individuals best at debasing themselves and those around them in 'partying' scenarios. I imagine the skills required would be the ability to get very very drunk, the tendency to go to every party, and an obnoxious and overwhelming gregariousness which, I'm sure, includes a certain amount of flirtatious behaviour.
Exactly. Do we know anyone like that?
...You know, despite the fact that we know drunkards, gregarious idiots, obnoxious morons, and flirtatious fools, we don't seem to know many people who spend a great deal of time partying.
Somehow that seems vastly disappointing. You'd think at least one of those categories would cross. I feel we need to rectify this. We need to go to a party and find the most attention grabbing drunk of the lot.
I'll put it on our schedule. ...Ooh, 'schedule.' I like how I say that this regeneration. Schedule. Schedule. Sche--ahem. Next category?
BIGGEST BADASS
'Biggest Badass', which essentially translates down to who can be the biggest annoyance while attempting to seem 'cool'. There may also be a gratuitous amount of leather, piercings, guns, or other things with which one might use to up their 'coolness' factor.
And if I never have to hear words like 'badass' and 'coolness factor' again, I'll be a very happy Time Lord. For this, I recommend itsthecoat. There's something about being self-sacrificial when you can't actually die that screams 'badass' to me.
And if I never have to say them again, I could die contently. Though, I would say it's less badass and more annoying, but I suppose some people, especially youth, would look at it and be in utter awe. Then most likely try to emulate Mr. Harkness, and hopefully get themselves killed in varying acts of stupidity. Maybe there is a silver lining to this!
That is a rather pleasant lot. Two of his Torchwood team have already died - well, and another one. That was suicide too, I think, but a bit less self-sacrificial.
Perhaps we ought to make this a new campaign. "Do you want to be badass? Jack Harkness knows how! First, look for the nearest and closest lethal object (or, for those in a pinch, a garbage disposal)..."
I always did enjoy the pure cruelty in public service announcements.
It's even better when it's universal... but following the vein of 'can't die' badassery, I would also like to nominate onedrous and tworiffic, two old 'friends' of mine.
I thought onedrous simply kept trying to get you to have sex with him.
Well, that too, but he was very useful for other things. Not to mention, he could get through any security system, and could never be harmed.
Useful pet.
Most definitely. Anyone else we can think of?
BIGGEST SNARKMASTER
Can't think of many of our unintelligent friends who'd fit this particular moniker, so no. That means we're onto the subject of snark.
And masters of it. I think we both know who ought to be nominated here.
Really, no need to say the names.
BIGGEST JERK/BITCH
You'd have to be dense not to know who we're talking about. And seeing as those who deserve nominations here are so obvious, it means we move on to 'Biggest Jerk/Bitch'.
Which can be interpreted a few ways. What sort of interpretation would you like to take?
Let's take the approach of people that tend to be inflammatory, but seem to be liked regardless?
That brings us back to our resident Gene "I Speak In Vitriol" Hunt, theguv.
He does deserve it. For all the times he's fought with me, I still find myself drawn to his company. I think I need an intervention.
To be fair, he goes to you as well. Ahhh, and what of our lovely friend, brigadierTARDIS? The lady knows no manners, and her kindness knows ... well, no one but the Doctor.
You'd think after a thousand years of life she would have learned tact, but apparently such is too difficult a concept for her. And to think, she calls me a beast. At least I'm polite.
And actually, properly alive.
You know, I think rude_not_ginger ought to make it on the list, as he is trying to steal your wife.
...Sorry, I just seethed with rage for a moment there. I should tell Lucy to claw his eyes out next time I speak to her.
We'll make him pay, Self, don't worry.
Good.
Anyone else?
Not off of the top of my head.
Nor mine. Next category?
CHARACTER YOU WANT TO SHAG
Self.
I wasn't aware I was a category.
You're my choice for it.
And you are mine, also, Self.
Did I ever tell you that I love you? I do. I really do.
You have, but I do enjoy hearing it. Call it narcissistic, but you're the best Self I could ever have. In fact, you're the one person I'm absolutely positive I love, without question.
The sentiment is more than returned.
Oh, I do love when we have 'I love you more' arguments. But we should probably save that for later.
We were deciding on whom we'd like to shag, right? ...Can't think of many other people. The lovely shatteredqueen, of course, but I hardly need to say that.
I second that nomination, but I'd also like to toss out theguv. Though I think everyone knows I've wanted to shag him for months now.
He'll give in to his repressed homosexuality any month now, I'm sure.
You know, he loves it when you purr in... or on certain places.
...Sorry, I'm not supposed to laugh during this, am I?
Feel free, I find his homophobia hilarious, especially when he's so blatantly homosexual.
A product of his times, the poor man. It's so kind of you to help him accept who he truly is.
I do what I can.
Anyone else for this category?
CHARACTER YOU WANT TO SLAP PUNCH
Not that I can think of, which means we're on to 'Characters You Want to Slap'.
I vote we replace 'slap' with 'punch.' And for that, I nominate every Doctor, ever, regardless of universe or regeneration. It's not so much because I hate them as that I'd like to have hit them all. Just because.
Then we can say 'punched'. And personally, I agree with that, though I'd also add in theguv for good measure. He's broken my nose before! Those take forever to heal.
And I'll add in hejestsatscars, as he doesn't exactly count as a Doctor. I don't feel the need to explain the choice.
I think with that we've physically assaulted the Doctor's entire timeline in multiple universes.
CHARACTER YOU WISH WOULD RETURN
He deserves to be punched twice. And never ever, ever come back, which was actually set up deliberately so we could segue into the next category, on the subject of Characters We Wish Would Return. I pick us, when we were played by Roger Delgado.
Excellent choice! ...Though one of my nominations is far more petty. I want nottwiceblessed to return so I can kill him. Then he can remain dead for all eternity.
How vicious! I like it.
I feel if I have to be locked up for months on end, I honestly should have gotten the satisfaction of actually killing him. Hmph.
That, I feel, is what constitutes as 'fairness' and 'justice' in an ideal world.
Can you think of anyone else? I don't think I have anyone I particularly want to return...
Nor me, really.
CHOICE VILLAIN
Then it's on to 'Choice Villain', which brings up the question... do we list who we find 'villainous' from our perspective, or approach things from an outside and not skewed towards our ideals way?
I'd flip a coin to decide, personally.
Heads or tails?
Heads, our perspective, tails, our opposite number's perspective.
Heads. So, that means... we could say the Doctor is villainous. He does often thwart our plans without trying to understand things from our point of view.
Many alien species suffer because of it.
In fact, one could say there are more deaths when the Doctor becomes involved.
But which of the Doctors we know have killed the most people?
Well, there is the Tenth, seeing as he killed our entire race. I would count that as an example of his capacity for slaughter.
But those were the crimes of another regeneration. Technically. The Tenth has an unfair advantage, as he's got the crimes of all his predecessors on his shoulder.
Let's blame him anyway, he's annoying.
Point. I'll also throw in timewill_tell. Cunning, manipulative, at times causing others severe emotional or mental agony....
And not to mention, he takes forever to answer my messages. It had to have been months before I was able to get him to the Cheetah Planet. But if you want to nominate a Doctor who fought the time war himself, there is perfect_shoes. Behind that handsome and seemingly amnesiac demeanour is a genocidal streak a mile wide.
He does seem to forget a lot, doesn't he? Some days, I wonder if he pushed the big red button, destroyed Gallifrey, and then said, "Whoops, I forgot it did that!"
I wouldn't be surprised if that were the case. I'm surprised he even manages to remember enough to actually pilot the TARDIS - much less even recall how to actually lead a functioning life.
While we're here, I think dameluckypants deserves a vote. Lovely woman that she is, she likes carrying around guns.
We know a lot of people who carry around guns. In fact, I nominate itsthecoat on the basis he always makes you so ill, Self. I think that counts as a greater act of villainy than genocide.
I don't take kindly to it. I get nauseous thinking about him.
Really, we need to come up with something that could keep him permanently dead. Though, I assume embedding a blade in his heart, encasing him in cement, and then dropping him on Oceanus would do well enough.
Until someone came to rescue him, of course.
If we drop him in the deepest part of the oceans, the pressure from the water would make it impossible to rescue him.
Hopefully.
I'm trying to have a positive outlook, Self.
He brings out the pessimist in me.
Then let's see who else we could nominate, hmm?
Well, there was contract_star, who very much started it.
And shinypaws who keeps trying to kill us even though we were only defending ourselves.
And miseardae who, let's put this plainly, is simply a manipulative bastard.
Yes, there are moments where I doubt his usefulness to me...
He's simply unreliable. Much like his counterpart in our universes.
He tried to slit my throat once, you know.
Do you want me to get revenge on him?
I might. I don't like being threatened.
And I don't like it when you're threatened, either. I worry, Self.
I know you do, and I'm truthfully sorry for making you worry. You know I love you, and I'd never want to upset you.
Don't apologise, Self. We'll just have to put our new acquisitions to good use, soon.
Good.
CHOICE HERO
Hey, Self?
Hmmm?
Did you ever know that you're my hero? ...sorry. Sorry. I should probably be forced to regenerate again for saying that. Hopefully into someone ginger. The next category is for the Choice Hero, and my choice is you.
Oooh, you mean into that Danila fellow? I do like him, though he could do without the corset, it must be crushing his internal organs... but back on track! Self, I'm absolutely honoured, and I return the gesture. After all, if the Doctor is the villain, you're obviously the hero.
The corset is a little--ahh, yes. Right. The topic at hand. I would also like to nominate your lovely sofaultless, for staying true to her LJ username.
Ahh, yes. And really, all her nation wants is to bring the world into the iron age. Honestly, I see that as being a good thing, don't you?
I do! I might consider nominating goodathart but I think he's going to try to kill the Doctor. Which is simply not allowed.
Really. Well, I think we can save judgment until things are set in stone - though we can prepare.
Of course.
CHOICE ANTI-HERO
Then on to 'Choice Anti-Hero'. A lovely category, if I say so myself. These people ride the line of villainy and yet still come out doing the 'right thing' in the end.
It's really fun to watch, from a distance. Terrible thing if you choose them to stay by your side.
You never quite know when you're going to betrayed, if you deal with them. I almost want to nominate theguv. He is of fairly questionable morality from time to time.
If by 'from time to time' you mean 'daily,' then I'll accept that assessment.
I never said how short or long said time as, after all.
Then theguv it is.
I would say didorothy is well on his way to anti-hero; with his apparent enjoyment of murder. Though I would appreciate if he turned such desires on people that aren't me.
As much as he might like to contest the point, I don't care to. But really, Self, you've been such a bad influence on the pair of them. The poor boys will end up vigilantes if you keep it up. I'm quite proud of you, actually.
As I've said, I do enjoy corruption. And I'm just... cultivating natural impulses.
No fun if it's all artificial, after all. Not really art, then.
I'm so proud of them, too. They're both so talented at killing, really.
They're really quite the sweet pet project of yours. Someone has to bring flashknickers along to join in with her comrades.
You do have a marvelous way with women, Self, and your resemblance to Mr. Tyler might assist in turning her towards our way of thinking.
It is a rather tempting suggestion. I'll certainly keep the idea in mind.
We can get together later and plan the detail.
CHOICE DAMSEL IN DISTRESS
Though, could we nominate her for the next category?
Oh, I don't know. While she certainly is a damsel, I don't know if she's in particular distress.
She certainly doesn't often seem it. More likely to be rescuing her boyfriend, really.
Maybe we ought to nominate didorothy instead.
And his charming friend theguv, who, for those of you not aware, was recently kidnapped by my brilliant and intelligent Self, and held prisoner until he could be rescued.
Mmm, that was a lovely week, save for the ending.
We'll have our revenge yet. I think another fair nomination would be changehistory, who was not only imprisoned in a coffin, but only got out after the person who imprisoned him decided to pop up to rescue him.
Tsk, tsk. Notice how in 'damsel in distress', we don't have a single female on here? Really, the males need to step it up a bit.
Ladies of the multiverse, it seems you've achieved your liberation.
You deserve a round of applause. No longer do you need a big, strong man to come rescue you. Instead, you now have to rescue your men non-stop. Wearing trousers, equal-but-not-really pay, saving men from various dooms... what else could you possibly want?
A good drink, probably.
CHOICE CHILD MUSE
Though this gives a good lead-in to the next category - Choice Child Muse! Seeing as women are casting away their traditional roles, will children eventually become a thing of the past? Though I suppose we already know the answer to that one.
The handy thing about time-travel. I don't know that many children, actually. seventhcoil?
I do like her. She's intelligent, bright, generally sympathetic towards my plight on Cheetah Planet...
And what a terrible plight it is.
I'd also like to nominate sofaultless. She's like the daughter I never had or knew I wanted.
Such an accomplished young lady.
Other than that... I don't know of any others.
CHOICE PARENT MUSE
Do we know any parents, then? As it's the next category along.
Well, the only one I can think of is the Doctor, and we know how that turned out...
I don't believe we've any real nominations for the category.
CHOICE MALE CANON CHARACTER
Unless we just wanted to nominate ourselves, since compared to the Doctor, we'd be better at it. But either way, that means we move onto "Choice Male Canon Character". Self? I nominate you for this, of course.
I, of course, nominate you. Moving on?
Moving on.
CHOICE FEMALE CANON CHARACTER
Our favourite ladies, then? I of course must select my wonderful wife, shatteredqueen. And I'd also like to add in ambitious_woman who is a challenge.
Wonderful choices, both of them. Both beautiful, of ...varying intellect, useful... what more could we ask for? Though I must also recommend notquiteawidow. I suppose she managed to charm me a bit - I rather enjoy her.
I have to agree; I'd actually be willing to share a TARDIS with the lovely lady.
As would I. Perhaps we ought to find some universe where she's a companion of ours.
It would be rather nice.
And that's saying something, as I don't particularly like taking companions.
She's certainly shown her worth.
In multiple ways. But if you have no other nominations, I suppose we ought to move on?
I think we can carry on, yes.
CHOICE MALE FANDOM ORIGINAL CHARACTER
Then on to Choice Male Fandom Original Character. Quite a mouthful, I think. My first nomination would be edacity, a future companion of ours.
Is he? Very nice. Mine would be conflictedideal who is very fun to play with. Both on the meta roleplaying level and the more in-universe level of emotional manipulation
Oh? Do tell. I don't get to meet as many OCs as I'd like; there simply aren't a lot around, you see.
He's a Time Lord. Not a particularly interesting one - not a politician, not an artist, and not a renegade. But his lovely lady is a renegade. And he feels the need to run off after her and bring her back to Gallifrey, before the CIA has its way. He's wonderfully naive, in ways, lots of fun.
The lovely lady seems quite interesting.
CHOICE FEMALE FANDOM ORIGINAL CHARACTER
Yes, lessthanmurder, whom I'd nominate for Choice Female Fandom Original Character.
And while we're here, and even though she mistreats us so, there is thisway_comes. The Rani, no matter the regeneration and no matter the demeanour, is always lovely.
No matter her face, she vindicates the saying that the female of the species is more deadly than the male.
I can still feel the pain from when she kicked me. That was entirely uncalled for.
I'd explain why we still like her, but it can't be good of us to flatter her ego.
She'd most likely dismiss it as the nonsensical ramblings of a pair of madmen.
Lovely woman, yes.
CHOICE MALE NON-FANDOM ORIGINAL CHARACTER
Most definitely one of my favourites. But we can wax poetic for hours on the Rani, so I think we ought to move on to the next category, "Choice Male Non-Fandom Original Character." ...Of which, I can't think of any. Can you, Self?
I... don't think I actually have much experience with them.
...Well then, I think we ought to skip both these categories entirely.
CHOICE NON-HUMAN CHARACTER
Does that bring us to Non-Humans?
Yes, it does! And I can think of a few people for this one, for example: cyfor.
Our favourite feline friend. So sweet! So soft-furred. So wonderfully telepathic.
A perfect spy. And no, I won't lower myself to make the pun.
Which is good of you.
Now then, I think we know a few other animals... I did enjoy noking when she was around.
If only she'd reapply.
I know you're reading this, so you'd better hurry up on those apps, my dear!
Or we'll be very very threatening. Anyone else you care to suggest?
There is smilodog. Her name does tend to explain her general demeanour.
I don't think I know her.
Bloodspill. She's over in paradisa, and used to be on riotously.
I see.
Basically, she's a giant red wolf that talks less than the Brigadier does.
I didn't think that possible.
Neither did I, but apparently it is.
Anyone else in mind?
CHOICE MALE NPC
Not really, which would bring us to Choice Male NPC, if we move on.
I was actually thinking about this; I can think of female NPCs a lot quicker than men.
Surprisingly enough, I can't think of many men myself - which I find amusing, based on the fact certain... individuals often joke about our preferences.
CHOICE FEMALE NPC
...It's out of love, self, that I've decided not to comment on your hips, and their relative honesty. Now, shot_my_shoes does have a rather well-developed father-character, but Mr Sullivan is one of the assistants. You know how we are about most of those. So I say we move on to female NPCs!
...I think I'd only be able to accept that sort of comment from you, Self, as I doubt it would be in complete mockery. They were, after all, once yours.
Female NPCs, Self.
Yes! Yes, I know. Give me a minute, I need to go through the list of ones I like.
I like your Bali.
I do too, when she isn't making sexual advances. ...Can I just nominate all the female NPCs I've had? I like them.
How many NPCs have you had, Self? Should I be getting jealous?
Well, there is Bali, then Shiyah, and Allison, the lovely yet frustrating Miss Tyr...
I am wounded. I would like to nominate salvagestime's Ruth, because she was fun to kill, and his Jordan, because I haven't actually felt compelled to kill her. Yet.
I'll share them with you if you like, Self. Shiyah is particularly enjoyable... But ahhh, Self. You will eventually. Though I am disappointed - you have a tragically small list of NPCs, or at least ones that aren't canonical and most likely aren't played somewhere. You need to get one so I can nominate it.
I don't know what it is, but something about this regeneration compels me to kill most people I meet if I can.
I can solve that problem. Take some annoying young woman to a very dangerous planet and point her in the direction of danger.
But my first choice for that is Perpugilliam Brown. I'm too old; the canon has gone on too long. There are too many loose-ends left for me to deal with.
Now now, Self. No need to talk like that.
Why not? The Doctor does. ...Sorry. I shouldn't get bitter about my era, should I? Everyone's era has something wrong with it, I'm sure.
Except Delgado's. His was very nice, but I might just be nostalgic and disappointed with what I was given for plots.
This is not the time to bring up the fact that our great Chronovore ally was a person in a birdsuit, then, yes?
...Self, why? I was having a perfectly nice time believing that for once in our lives everything was utterly perfect.
Sorry, sorry! What's the next topic?
CUTEST COUPLE
Something that shall give us ample gossip... "Cutest Couple". ...Though that seems more saccharine than gossip worthy.
I vote we skip it. Unless you can, off the top of your head, think of the most sickeningly sweet pair of individuals we know. I think I've blanched them out of my mind, whoever they may be.
I agree. Next?
CRAZIEST COUPLE
For this, we should look up at our nominations for Most Likely To Go Insane, and pick out pairs from them.
One of them leaps to mind particularly: chansondelamort/didorothy, our resident crazed lovebirds.
Should they ever manage to actually have sex. I'd also selected contract_star to be paired off wth chansondelamort, if only because they're both mad and they're living in the same house. She's a nymphomaniac; he's a virgin. Something has to happen some time.
A virgin? Tsk, tsk. You'd think with his occupation he'd have decided to do the deed and experience everything before his death. But I'd like to offer another one, itsthecoat/dameluckypants. Both of them are rather mad, in their own way, and we both know they're shagging. Well, when Ianto isn't being fussy, anyway.
So, when Mr Jones is asleep.
You know, I've been wondering what Mr. Jones will do when the Year That Never Was ends, seeing as he'll be getting his own Mr. Harkness back.
Theoretically, that would end the deviation, and put him in Captain Jack Harkness's universe. Though there would be still a time-lag.
Rather messy business, deviations.
Don't I know it. "Blah blah blah you're cheating on me with my alternate universe self" They're so irritating. Both of them. Thank Rassilon for Lucy. Next?
FUNNIEST COUPLE
"Funniest Couple". There are many ways to interpret this, such as both people being rather humourous, or that the couple itself is so outlandish it's hilarious...
Or that their interactions are often hilarious, or, yes, variations on a theme.
Which shall we pick?
We could use all.
Then we shall. To begin, I offer a wonderfully dysfunctional set, illicitsolution/egregiousity. These two hyperplanned all their sexual encounters and somehow, through the course of a year, inflicted mass bodily harm on each other in many hilarious ways, most of them unintentional.
You're going to have to get me recordings of all of those, and popcorn.
Thursdays were they're... 'hotel days'. I think you can guess what went on then.
When you said 'hyperplanned' you really did mean hyperplanned.
I do try to be accurate in these things, Self.
I tend to hyperbolize. Based purely on a thread of bickering spotted in sixwordstories, I'd nominate mr_colbert and legal_parasite. Both being comedic characters, they have that to their advantage. They also had a rather entertaining debate involving the Boston teaparty, and Americans trying to make Britain a Very Very Big cup of tea. See what I said about hyperbole?
Though, I can see a very significant flaw in the 'tea' side of the debate. Too salty.
I never said the British were any more intelligent.
I never said either were. After all, they're all human.
And we all know what those are like.
I have to say didorothy/anyone is instant hilarity. I mean... just look at Mr. Tyler.
I hope you're not talking about his physical appearance.
No, Self, I'm not. I meant look at how he carries himself. You, on the other hand, do a remarkable job with your body... though we don't need to discuss that.
Thank you, Self.
You know I wouldn't mean you any offense; I do love you so.
Aww, Self! Oh! I've got one. not_just_teaboy/cyfor.
...You know, you just inferred that Mr. Jones is into bestiality with that.
And what's funnier than that? I always get kicks out of all of the Doctor's affairs with humans, after all.
Well, technically we can't say much... we do have Lucy.
Lucy doesn't count.
Exceptions can be made for us, you mean. That's something I can fully endorse.
Quite right.
Any more nominations, or shall we...?
SEXUALLY HOTTEST COUPLE
We shall. This is 'sexually hottest couple,' which I think is an euphemism for "Which couple produces the most stimulating pornography.'
Essentially. Though even then, stimulating pornography is dependent upon personal tastes... while some might nominate Mr. Harkness, I think I'd find pornography starring him to be incredibly unappealing.
Stop, Self; you're making me sick already.
I'm making myself sick. Let's start listing off some appealing choices to make up for Mr. Harkness' existence.
Anything involving ambitious_woman. Because with her, it's not pornographic.
Lovely choice. I wouldn't mind watching a few recordings of her. ...Now, say what you like about me being a narcissist, but I feel I ought to nominate us for good measure. Not that anyone else gets to watch, but I feel we're an excellent judge of ourselves.
I do find our interactions very stimulating, yes.
Mmm... yes. I also must, regretfully, suggest broken_clock. Preferably with myself, but the way he gets around, he might've shared his particular talents with everyone by now.
You really need to have words with him. And by 'words' I mean 'sharp pointy objects.' Or blunt ones. Depends on your mood.
Oh, Self, if only you knew. He gets off on both. It's his idea of a good time in bed.
That puts that right out, then, doesn't it?
While it makes it very hard to punish him, it does make for enjoyable sex. So I can't quite decide if the masochistic kink is an advantage or not.
Depends, then.
Very much so.
I can't really think of anyone particularly sexually attractive. That's the problem with having a devout asexualist sector in the fandom for so long. You don't really know if you can have sex with anyone, let alone if you want to.
Though the Rani did prove that we were equipped, but I suppose the argument could be made that I have a Trakenite body, not Gallifreyan.
But you could argue that the fact that considered kicking there at all does imply there's something there to be kicked. And of course, the Doctor's had instances where he's been naked. And no humans in the area were incredibly disturbed. Though Donna probably wasn't in any position to really assess, at the time, and I doubt Ms Holloway was really looking.
Ah, there was also the Doctor's stay in the hospital shortly after regenerating into his Third. I'd think with all the unusual things they were keeping in their files, they would have noted a certain lack of reproductive organs.
But we can't be certain they didn't note it.
What about those fellows who saw the Doctor naked in the shower? Either they saw something or they assumed the Doctor was very small.
They wouldn't be wrong, I'm sure.
I always did think he was compensating for something.
Now we know.
MOST SQUISHABLE COUPLE
I think we've sufficiently insulted the Doctor's manhood for one category, and I'll take it onto our next one. It's second in the line of saccharine sweet. "Most Squishable Couple." Who comes up with these things?
Someone who didn't expect us to interpret this category as: which pair of people would we most like to run over with a bulldozer.
I like that interpretation. First off, itsthecoat and anyone who consorts with him. It doesn't matter who specifically; anyone who keeps company with him really isn't worth our time.
Fair point. And that neatly covers most of my suggestions on the topic. He consorts with a number of very squishable people.
And you know, we'd get multiple squishings out of Mr. Harkness. I wouldn't be adverse to that.
Mmm, yes. By remote control! I always wanted to try something like that out
We could time it so that every time he becomes whole again, another bulldozer goes over him!
Or give him just enough gap that he can see his other friends die via bulldozer before dying himself once again!
If we set up the track just right, he'd have to watch all his friends die a bloody, agonising death before him.
MOST UNLIKELY COUPLE
...put that on our to-do list! Next up is the Most Unlikely Couple. Which, really, has to go to notquitewidow and barelyemoting. I hear they've actually snogged, now.
They have, only after months of awkward flirting with one another. Considering the Brigadier's way of getting around, you'd think he'd have already made some sort of moves on her.
And with how asserting Miss Noble is...
It's almost mind boggling, really. Perhaps all your prompting made them curious.
I would like to think I did a good deed, as such.
We always did like helping people discover romance, in a way.
Particularly our beloved UNIT friends.
Though, speaking of unlikely couples... Mr. Tyler has so many suitors that I feel he ought to qualify.
Has he?
chansondelamort, flashknickers, theguv, need I go on?
No no, I meant the 'unlikely' bit.
Well, taking it in the literal sense, can you see him getting with any of them?
Not really, no. Point.
They really need to stop making these so open to interpretation. It'll only end up baffling most people.
For people in generally are not very bright.
Any other recommendations, Self?
Not immediate ones.
MOST SHOULD-GET-TOGETHER-ALREADY COUPLE
Considering how things work, we'll most likely think of more once were finished - but for now, we'll move onto "Most Should-Get-Together-Already Couple", which I wish had a different name; preferably one that wasn't so awkwardly worded.
My ears cringe.
You're lucky you weren't the one that had to say it.
So! Who's not shagging and really should be?
Well, I have to nominate your choice in 'unlikely couple', barelyemoting/notquiteawidow. We both know they're going to eventually, and honestly, they should have been shagging ages ago.
But if they've kissed, do they really count?
Have they officially started dating? I'm not sure.
I don't know either.
We'll have to ask next time we see either of them.
I suppose we could phone in their voice mails!
I'll handle the lovely Miss Noble if you handle the Brigadier?
Aww, why can't I annoy Donna?
Because my mun tries to keep me from interacting with the Brigadier for her own sanity. I'm apparently no longer allowed to play with him.
That's not fair at all.
No, it isn't. After all, the Brigadier is one of my favourite people.
Who else isn't shagging that ought be?
theguv and I? Though I suppose I shouldn't be nominating myself again and again... but I don't care!
Your brazen disregard for the rules and laws of ethics is so admirable, Self.
I wouldn't call it disregard for rules or ethics so much as simply not playing 'fair'. Though, if I knew someone you ought to be shagging, but aren't, I'd nominate you.
Fortunately, I'm having sex with everyone I should be having sex with!
Which is how things ought to be.
MOST MADE-FOR-EACH-OTHER COUPLE
Of course. Speaking of how things ought to be - "most made-for-each-other couple" which I'd rename but I really don't have the interest or attention span to.
Yes, you've been doing rather well for this whole thing, Self. Usually I have to pull your attention back to things multiple times.
There's nothing wrong with a little attention deficiency. Unless it's in someone else.
Indeed, and I make up for whatever lack you might have; but we're deviating already. I think I'm going to nominate us again. We're the same person; it'd be difficult for us not to go with the general definition of 'made for each other'.
True! And a literal example of 'made for each other' would be fey_fire and sand_andwater.
If you want more literal examples, there is, of course, you and salvagestime.
That's the journal titles only. I was made for myself. Which is, now that I think of it, you! Reiterating your point.
You may not've been made for him, but I feel I can nominate the journal titles. I like nominating you for things, Self. If I could get away with it I would have nominated you for everything.
Hopefully not 'squishable'.
Thus would be why I said 'if I could'. There are a few categories where, if I nominated you, my devotion to you would be called into question.
Sad and tragic as that may be. I suppose broken_clock was, in a way, made for you. Sort of.
And the bits of him that weren't, I've been molding to suit me.
Hence the kinks as noted earlier. Be careful you don't end up with someone like miseardae, though.
Oh, I will, Self. I'm being very careful with him.
Good.
Can you think of any others, Self?
Don't think so, no.
CHOICE CANON COUPLE
Which means we're onto "Choice Canon Couple". Now, by 'canon couple', does it have to be something seen in canon, or is it just two canonical muses?
I'll dock points for vagueness, but I think I'll consider it 'something seen in canon.'
Then off hand I will suggest rude_not_ginger and ambitious_woman. They may not have had a lengthy bit of screentime together, but you can't deny that something was going on between them.
He hasn't the intelligence or wit to match her. Hm... let's see.... I don't like a fair number of people, so they're all off of the list.
Ah! There's you and shatteredqueen, Self.
She is the perfect wife. My perfect wife. Let me remind the audience that any interactions between her and any Doctors are entirely non-canonical, entirely invalid, and, for any Doctors in the audience, entirely punishable by death. Hers, not yours, though you can have front-row seating. I do it out of love. Self, I don't suppose you and broken_clock count, hm?
As said, that relies on one's definition of canonical. And one's interpretation of our interactions on screen.
Point for: we were really quite gay for him. Point against: he killed us. With fire. Of course, given his rather Puritan mindset, that may've been his way of coping with the attraction. Hard to tell with that regeneration.
Another point for: when he was dying, the last thought he had was of me. Of course, I was telling him to die, but I really do think that says something about him.
And we all know what 'death' is a euphemism for.
That we do. Now... hmm. Really, there should be other people we could nominate, but I'm regretfully falling short.
That's because we killed Jack already.
And have him trapped in the infinite squishing track.
Forever and ever and ever. Rassilon be praised. Or Omega. The Other? Someone needs to be praised. Oh yeah - us!
We really do need to set up a religion for you, Self. I think it'd please you for years.
Is it so wrong to love cults?
No - after all, we had one once when we were Delgado. Oh, so it wasn't them worshipping us, but it did provide good work experience.
(TO BE CONTINUED AT: http://sinister-charm.livejournal.com/37387.html)