The other day we went to go pick up Mike's co worker to go hang out. Suddenly it struck me that the last time I had been in that apartment complex was to pick up my friend Travis, who has since passed ( Read more... )

Well Step 1 is kind of hard since I dont even feel powerless any more.  Or rather I am very well aware and able to decline a drink or a hit or a snort.
I did learn that my life is indeed unmanagable (as most people's lives are). I cant control everything or even half of it. I think part of my panic attacks may be caused by this very fact.  Things ( Read more... )

Randomly searching LJ for friends names, past friend's names, ex bfs. Now sadly I was disappointed by not finding anything except some stuff on an ex of mine! This would be the drug addicted one who tried to kill me. Anyway I didnt find but I found a ton of entries by people in the area (Lapeer, Flint, Davison). All girls and all who have kissed, ( Read more... )

Ok first off if you havent read my last post (What is Reality?) then go read it because its infinatly more important then this one. This is just musings and half baked thoughts. Some of which were sparked by a convo with my friend Saul last night and some sparked by jessie's note and some I just came up with on my own. Arent you proud?
Ok so Saul ( Read more... )

Ok so I have a new addition to my issues. Along with the panic attacks my nightmares have no returned. So bad, in fact, that I can not sleep for more then an hour with out waking up screaming and all that good stuff. On top of that wierd shit is happening around the house. Guitar strummed a few notes by itself, crap falling over when there's ( Read more... )

So a few years ago I had to use the 12 step program to help me get clean and sober. Its not just for getting clean and sober, but its also for staying clean and sober. So I'm going to post the basic 12 Steps and invite all who read this to walk thru it and see it with me. This will take some time of course. So here are the basic 12 steps:

These are ( Read more... )

I dont think Mike understands a damn thing. Anyway I'm drinking tonight. Mike doesnt understand and there is no way to make him understand what I am going through right now.  He once said to me that he doesnt understand why people get depressed. He doesntunderstand a fucking thing I am going through and never will because he just has to argue it ( Read more... )

The writer's block question was aout the media and do I believe it shapes our lives and/or causes violence. Or something like that. (damn my nail just broke. Freakin OW ( Read more... )

So I'm chilling here in flannel PJ pants and a cami. Just took a bath followed by a shower (to wash my hair) and I feel wonderfully clean. But ot as refreshed as I normally do.  Had another panic attack today. Talk about rapid fire! Pretty sure this one was triggered by my mom. My mind just gets overwhelmed and then my whole body and mind freaks ( Read more... )

My mom called today to ask me if I wanted my christmas money early to fix the car.  Then she found out Mike uses it to get back and forth to work and decided she wasnt going to give it to me early because she doesnt want Mike using the money for him. WTF ( Read more... )