RPS Fic: Waiting 'verse, Wayfaring Sons -- Jared/Jensen -- NC-17
Title: Wayfaring Sons
'Verse: Waiting for My Real Life to Begin
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17
Summary: They've been dating for about two months, and there's possible coming out and Spring Break to look forward to.
A/N: Split into two parts due to length.
You probably want to read the rest of the 'verse first:
One | Two | Three | Four | Five | Six
Interlude
Jared has had a boyfriend for two months, six days, and--he looks at the clock--nineteen hours. He feels a little lame for keeping track like that, so he doesn't tell anybody he knows it down to the hour.
In two months, six days, and nineteen hours, Jared has discovered that Jensen doesn't sleep well smushed up next to someone else, which is unfortunate since they only have twin beds. They've compromised, though, with Jensen usually snuggling next to Jared and only climbing back up into his bunk once Jared's asleep.
He knows that Jensen loves to be kissed from head to toe, will whimper and writhe and stay rock hard for hours as long as Jared keeps his mouth on him. Jensen likes sucking cock enough that the suggestion of it is one of the few things that will make him look away from his books when he's supposed to be studying.
Jared likes sucking cock, too, a lot more than he thought he would. He likes the taste of it and the weight of Jensen's cock on his tongue and most of all the soft, needy sounds Jensen makes when he does it. He really likes showing off, loves it when Jensen looks at him, loves to touch himself knowing that Jensen's watching. It's dirty and hot and wrong in the really, really good way.
Jensen gives the best back rubs ever. In the history of the world. He can work out all the kinks in Jared's back or put him to sleep or make him come just from rubbing his shoulders. Jared's a little in awe of it.
Jensen has scars on his knee from when he'd gotten hurt during high school baseball and had to have surgery. He's got a scar on his elbow from falling off his bike onto broken glass when he was thirteen. He has nightmares sometimes that he doesn't want to talk about, but Jared suspects they're about his family not loving him. He lost his virginity when he was fifteen to a chubby girl named Addi who was in one of his acting classes.
Jensen took acting classes in high school, did theater and musicals and everything. "How did people not know you were gay?" Jared asks and gets an elbow in his ribs for his trouble before admitting that he starred in the 8th grade production of Hansel and Gretel. Puppetry may or may not have been involved.
Jensen's mom calls him every Sunday. They never talk about him being gay but even Jared can feel the tension in the air. Jensen's usually quiet and withdrawn on Sunday evenings.
Jared's mama calls him whenever she feels like it, which is pretty much every other day. She tells him stories about her classes and he makes her laugh with PG-rated impersonations of Chad and Adam and he knows he's going to have to tell her the truth soon. Not telling her feels like a lie, and Jared's always hated lying to his mama.
Jared stares at the clock in his room, knowing it's too early to call her but trying to work up the courage to do it anyway. He's had a boyfriend for two months, six days, and twenty hours, and not being able to share how happy he is with his family really sucks.
He talks to Megan about it a little bit, but she mostly wants to know whether or not they're having sex and what sorts of things they do when they get naked, and there are some things you just don't talk about with your little sister, no matter how supportive she is.
"I have to tell them," he says when Jensen comes back from class.
Jensen sighs.
"I hate not telling them."
Jensen sits on the side of Jared's bed, runs his fingers through Jared's hair. "I know."
"Do you think I should tell them?" he asks, searching Jensen's face for an answer, for something to make it easier.
"I don't know," Jensen admits. "I guess...I don't know. I guess it's time to come out when it's harder to keep lying than to tell the truth."
"I need to tell them," Jared says.
Jensen nods and leans down to kiss him.
Jared decides he'll tell them over Spring Break. It will give them time to get readjusted to each other and he can tell them late in the week so if they take it bad, he doesn't have to deal with it for long.
Chad pretty much blows that whole idea out of the water. His family owns hotels on South Padre Island and he doesn't ask Jared to come so much as he tells him he's going.
"An entire floor to ourselves, two to a room, girls and guys both, Mexico's 20 minutes away, and you can get drunk on the beach," Chad tells him. "You're in with Jen--"
"Wait," says Jensen. "I'm not going."
"Are fucking so, bitch. You miss this, you'll be even more retarded than I thought you were when you moved in."
Jensen looks over at Jared and raises one eyebrow. Jared shrugs.
"It's a huge fucking party all week long and I know that neither one of you is interested in all the free pussy, but I cannot in good conscience let you miss this."
"Guess we're going to South Padre," Jensen says.
Jared shrugs. "Yeah. Guess so." It's a relief, really. He doesn't have to tell them. He can just picture the disappointment in their eyes when they learn the truth, and disappointing his parents still makes him feel like he wants to die.
He's not going to San Antonio for Spring Break, he's flying on a chartered plane with 300 other kids down to South Padre Island for a week of drunken debauchery. Which doesn't explain why he's got his bag packed for San Antonio and a ticket confirmation for the Greyhound bus printed out and in his jacket pocket.
"You're not coming," Jensen says, leaning against the door.
Jared turns and he doesn't know what to say, doesn't know how to explain it. He has to go back to San Antonio. He has to tell them the truth. "I..." he says.
Jensen smiles and reaches out for him, kisses him softly. "You do what you gotta do, Jay."
"I'll be there," he says. "I will. Just...I need a few days at home first."
"All right," Jensen whispers against his mouth, which reaffirms Jared's decision to tell his parents the truth. He has the best boyfriend ever and Jensen should never have to be anyone's secret.
Jared hates taking the bus. He likes people, generally, but not bus people. He leaves his headphones on even when he's not listening to anything and pretends to study and winds his arm through his backpack multiple times so nobody can steal anything while he sleeps. He spends the first few hours trying not to think about what's going to happen when he gets there. Thinking about it too much makes him anxious and a little sick to his stomach, though that may just be the woman next to him who smells like feet.
The bus ride seems to take forever and he can't decide if he wants to be home already or if he never wants to get there. Finally, though, the bus pulls up to the station in San Antonio and his parents are there waiting for him.
He hugs his mama tight, picks her up off the ground a little bit, making her laugh. He hugs his daddy next, who says, "So, tell me about geology."
"It's awesome," Jared tells them both, grabbing up his duffle bag and swinging it over his shoulder. His daddy's carrying his backpack and his mama's searching her purse for the car keys. "Dr. Partovi's great, has helped me pick out all my classes for next year and he's giving me ideas for where to apply to graduate programs if I want to specialize in speleology, and--"
"Speleology?" his daddy asks. "Does that mean caves?"
"Yeah. It's not just geology, either, you have to know biology and chemistry--cartography, even."
His mama turns and pats his cheek. "Such a smart boy," she says.
"We're really proud of you," his daddy says.
Jared hunches in his shoulders and smiles and tries not to feel an overwhelming sense of dread.
He leans his head against the window on the drive home and watches the lights of San Antonio pass by.
"You're quiet tonight," his mama says as she pulls into the driveway. "You sure everything's all right?"
"I'm fine," he says. "I'm tired."
"He did just spend a day traveling," says his daddy.
Jared gets out of the car and stretches until his spine pops in a few places. "I think I'm gonna shower the bus stench off of me," he says.
"Are you hungry? I could make you something to eat."
"I ate at the stop in Austin," he tells her, which is mostly true. He'd bought something to eat and had picked at it, but he'd been too nervous to eat.
He showers and pulls on clean sweats and a long-sleeved t-shirt. He sits down on his bed and calls Jensen.
"Hey," Jensen says when he answers. Jared can hear loud music and voices in the background. "Hold on just a second, k?" After about 30 seconds the voices and the music become muffled. "You still there?"
"Guess you got to South Padre all right," Jared says.
"Yeah. I was just going to crash, but Chad's really persuasive when he wants you to come out. How are you? You at home?"
"Yeah. I haven't told them."
"You don't have to, you know. If it doesn't feel right--"
"No, it's time. I'm just nervous."
"They love you," Jensen tells him.
"Your parents love you, too, and they sent you off to get brainwashed."
Jensen sighs.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."
"It's OK. And yeah, they weren't happy with it. They still aren't happy with it, but they're OK with it and that's a really big step for them."
"I know. I didn't mean to make it sound like they were assholes."
"I know."
There's the slam of a door and a flush and Jared laughs. "Are you in the bathroom?"
"There wasn't anywhere else quiet and it would have taken me ten minutes to get out the front door. This place is packed with people. If I liked tits, I would be in heaven."
Jared laughs again. He takes a deep breath. "I don't know how to say it. How did you say it?"
"I was in a pretty fucked up place when I told them," Jensen says softly. "I asked them to help me change because I couldn't do it on my own."
"I'm so sorry."
"It's all right. It worked out OK."
"I think I'm going to tell them right now," Jared says. He takes a deep breath. "I should just tell them now, right? Like ripping off a band aid."
"I guess. I told the people at the front desk that you were coming. There's a key at the front desk for you."
"You expect it to be that bad?"
"No. No, I think your parents will understand. I just wanted to let you know before I forgot. And I'm going to have my phone with me all the time, so you call me whenever you need to. Middle of the night, whatever."
"OK," Jared says. "I miss you."
"Miss you, too. It's not much fun without you here."
"I'll see you soon," Jared says. "Bye."
"Bye, Jay. Good luck."
Jared flips his phone closed and sets it on his nightstand. He leaves his room and walks into the living room where his mother is grading papers and his father is sitting in his favorite green armchair reading a book on the history of Moorish Spain.
"Where's Megan?" he asks.
"Staying the night over at Kirsten's," his mama says. She looks up from her grading and sets the papers on the end table. "You sure you're not hungry?"
"I'm sure."
She gets up, lays her pen down on top of the papers. "Because it's not any trouble and--"
"I'm not hungry," he says. He takes a deep breath. "I just have to talk to you. Both of you."
"Is everything all right at school?"
"Yeah. Yeah, everything's great. Classes and my friends and everything. I just, I haven't been telling you something, and it...it feels wrong, not telling you."
"Honey?" his mama asks, reaching out for him.
Jared ducks away from her and walks across the room, rubbing his palms on his jeans. "I wanted to, God, I wanted to tell you so many times and I just...I don't want to hurt you but I don't want to keep secrets, either."
"JT, what could you ever do that would hurt us?" his mama asks. "I don't know what you're worried about, but--"
"Let the boy talk, Sherri," his daddy says softly.
"I'm gay," he says quickly, before he can chicken out.
His daddy says nothing. His mama says, "What?"
"I said--"
"I heard what you said." Her voice is shaking. "Why would you say that?"
"Because it's true." He'd decided to leave the "probably bisexual" part out since it would only make things more complicated.
"No," she says, shaking her head. "I know that college is hard, that you're confused--"
"I'm not confused."
"You are. You just don't know it. It's all right. We'll work this out."
"Work this out?" he asks. He'd expected tears and some yelling. He hadn't expected flat out denial.
"You'll get over it," she says, as if it's simple, as if he doesn't even know his own mind.
He wants to shout at her but he takes a deep breath instead. He'd known it wouldn't be easy. He'd promised himself he wouldn't yell. "I won't get over it," he whispers.
"I'm sure it all seems very glamorous right now, but--"
"Glamorous?" he demands, very close to a shout. He forces himself to close his mouth and breathe.
"With all this activism on TV and celebrities coming out of the closet and such. I know it's hard to find your own identity when you're young, that you want to be part of the in crowd--"
"The in crowd?" he asks. "What in the hell makes you think that being gay is in?"
"Don't curse in front of your mama," his daddy says.
"Sorry. I just...it's not a phase. I know you want it to be, but it's not."
"But you're just a baby," she says. "You're only eighteen."
"I know who I am. And I love you, and I want you to know, too."
She looks at him and her eyes well with tears. He wants to take it back. He wants to tell her it's not true because he can't make her cry.
"You're too young," she says, tears evident in her voice. "You don't know."
"I do," he says. He swallows hard. He doesn't want to cry. "I'm sorry it hurts you."
"You don't know," she repeats, crying openly.
"Mama," he says, but she shakes her head and rushes from the room.
Jared sits down in front of the fireplace and rests his elbows on his knees, his head hanging down. When he looks up, his father is still sitting in the green wingchair, polishing his glasses.
"Daddy," Jared says.
His daddy sighs. "This isn't going to be easy for either one of us," he says.
Jared nods. "But you believe me?"
"Can't see why you'd lie." He looks up at Jared without putting his glasses back on. "We love you, JT, both of us, but this is going to take some time."
"Okay," Jared whispers.
His daddy puts his glasses on, stands up. "I should see to your mama," he says. He's halfway down the hall when he comes back, stands in the doorway for a moment. "I'm headed out to Calaveras tomorrow if you're interested."
"Yeah," says Jared softly. "Definitely."
His daddy nods and walks back down the hall, and the last thing Jared hears is the soft snick of his parents' bedroom door closing.
Jared's shaking and he feels like he might pass out. He goes to him room and lies on his bed and doesn't sleep for a very, very long time.
In the morning, he and his daddy go fishing at Calaveras. They don't talk much. They never do. It's a relief, really, to just settle into their natural rhythm, only talk when maneuvering the boat into the water and discussing the relative merits of liver versus cheese as bait or the chances of the Spurs taking the NBA finals next season.
They reel in more than enough channel catfish for lunch and Jared even manages to land a good ten-pound bass, which has his daddy hooting with joy before they let it go.
He's still grinning from the catch when his daddy says, "You're just the same Jared you've always been, aren't you?"
Jared swallows hard and doesn't drop his fishing rod and nods. "Yeah," he whispers. He's embarrassed that he's so close to crying from just one simple question.
"We're going to need some time," his daddy says as he casts out a line. "Your mama especially. She's taking this hard. I don't really understand it myself, but you know how she worries."
"I know."
"And you're absolutely sure about this?"
"Yeah. I am."
His daddy sighs, reels in his line, casts it back out again. The heartfelt discussion over and done with, they call it a day and head back to shore.
Jared wants to change and maybe shower, but when he gets to his room his mama is standing in the middle of it, gazing at his closet.
"Mama?" he asks.
She turns and looks at him, then looks away. "Do you remember," she begins, her voice soft and far away, "that time you took all the sheets from the linen closet and made a huge labyrinthine fort in here? Lord, what a mess. You had sheets pinned to the walls, sheets draped over chairs and all around your bed."
"You let me keep it up for a week," he says. "And it wasn't a fort, it was my Fortress of Solitude."
She laughs, then her face crumples and she starts to cry.
"Mama," Jared whispers.
"You were a handful," she tells him. "And a joy. And people are going to hate you."
"No one's going to--"
"They will. They'll hate you and want to kill you. They'll try to kill you. And you're my son, my little JT making blanket forts and people will hurt you and I can't--" she breaks off with a sob.
Jared strides towards her and pulls her into his arms. "It's all right," he says. "I'm all right. No one's going to hurt me."
"They will," she whispers against his shoulder. Her arms are tight around his waist. "But if you just...if you're wrong, if you're just confused, then..."
"I'm not. And I can't control what other people think of me."
"Oh, Lord, my face," she says, pulling away from him. She wipes away the mascara beneath her eyes. She sniffs and hiccups and says, "I should get cleaned up."
"Mama," Jared says, "we need to talk about this."
"There's nothing to talk about," she says firmly before leaving his room.
Jared sighs and sits on his bed and shakes his head. He stinks like fish and he peels off his clothes and takes a hot shower. He's just finished throwing in a load of laundry when his mama says, "I could have done that."
"Oh. I guess I'm just used to doing it myself," he tells her.
"You're never going to have a family," she says. Her eyes are puffy and the mascara is long gone.
Jared sighs. "That's not..." He doesn't even know what to say to that.
"I need to get lunch ready," she says.
Watching his mother cry while cooking catfish is probably the lowest point in Jared's entire life. He doesn't know what to say. Everything he says only makes her cry harder so he just sits at the table and stares at his hands.
"Did somebody die?" Megan asks from the kitchen doorway. She's got her overnight bag slung over one shoulder and an expression of concern on her face.
"No," Jared says. "I told--"
"Don't tell your sister," his mama snaps.
"I already know," Megan says, hand on one hip. "I've known for months." She drops her bag on the floor and comes into the kitchen, leans down to give Jared a hug. "You should have waited until I was home," she tells him.
"I didn't know you weren't going to be here. It wouldn't have changed anything."
"I could have told Mama that it's nothing to cry about."
Their mama rushes out of the room and Jared sighs, then gets up to finish cooking the fish.
"You went fishing without me, too?" Megan asks. "Are they blue or channel?"
"Channel," he says, flipping the pieces over.
"My favorite. Do you want me to go talk to her?"
"You don't have to. She just keeps crying."
"Did you tell her about Jensen?"
He shakes his head. "It's complicated enough already."
"I'm gonna go talk to her," she says.
The fish is finished in a few minutes and Jared sets it to drain on paper towels and sprinkles it with salt and pepper. He cuts up a lemon into wedges and sighs and looks at the empty kitchen.
"Where's your mama?" his daddy asks, peeking his head into the kitchen.
"Crying," Jared tells him. "Megan went to talk to her."
His daddy sighs. They set the table in silence and Jared gets the green beans out of the microwave.
Megan shows up a few minutes later. "She says we should eat without her."
"You two go ahead and get started," their daddy says before leaving the kitchen.
Jared picks at his food and pushes it around his plate. Megan eats two helpings. "I can't believe you're not eating this," she tells him. "Fresh fish is the best."
"She's never going to stop crying."
"She will. She's just...she's old."
"She's not old."
"Older than us. She doesn't know how things really are."
Jared's not sure that's the problem but he doesn't feel like arguing the point.
After dinner, Jared knocks on his parents' bedroom door. His mama doesn't say anything so he pushes the door open slowly. "Can I come in?" he asks.
"Of course," she says. She's sitting on her bed, her back against the headboard, gazing down at a book he's pretty sure she's not really reading.
"You're really upset," he says.
She shakes her head. "No. There's nothing to be upset about."
He sighs. "Mama, I--"
She glares up at him. "I don't know how you got that idea into your fool head, but you're wrong."
He has so many things he wants to say that. He wants to scream at her and ask what the hell is wrong with her. He wants to tell her to stop being delusional. He wants to snap that he enjoys sucking cock way too much to be confused. Instead he says, "I should go."
She shakes her head. "No. No, you should stay here. You can...you can transfer. Finish up the year at UTSA."
"I don't think it works that way," he tells her. "And even if it did, I wouldn't do it."
"You need us," she says. "You need your family around you right now to lead you in the right direction."
He sighs and thinks back to what Jensen had said about his family's reaction. "We're just going to keep on having the same conversation, aren't we?" he asks her.
"If you'd just realize..."
"What? That I'm wrong? That this is some sort of fad? When have you ever known me to just follow the crowd? When have you ever known me to let someone else decide what's right for me?"
"It's not right," she tells him. "It's a sin."
Jared nods. "Maybe. Doesn't change things. I thought we could talk about it but I'm just upsetting you, aren't I?"
"I don't want you to go," she says. She reaches up and smoothes his hair.
"I think I probably should."
Her lower lip quivers but she doesn't cry again. She doesn't argue with him, either.
His father drives him to the bus stop. They don't say much, but before Jared leaves his father hugs him and says, "She'll come around."
Jared nods. He's not sure she will, but he's too wrung out to argue the point.
Greyhound only runs as far as Brownsville and he has to take a seriously overpriced cab to the hotel on South Padre Island. He doesn't even care, pays the cabbie willingly and goes to the front desk where they're holding a key for him. He doesn't even check out the room when he gets there, drops his duffle bag on the floor next to Jensen's and takes a shower, thankful to wash the travel grime away.
It's well past midnight and he wonders where Jensen is, decides he's probably out partying with everyone else since Jared's not expected back for another day. He doesn't want to call and seem needy.
He climbs into the nearest bed and curls up and closes his eyes. It feels so good to lie down, to not have to listen to the grind of the bus engine or the sounds of other people all around him. He hasn't slept well in days and falls asleep easily.
He wakes up when he hears a female giggle, then Jensen's hushed voice. He sits up and just sees the door closing, is reaching for his jeans when the door opens again and Jensen's walking in.
"Hey," Jensen whispers. "I didn't mean to wake you up. I thought you weren't getting here until tomorrow."
"I wasn't."
"You all right?" Jensen crawls across the bed to get to him, kisses him a little harder than necessary. "You didn't call me."
He tastes like tequila and fruit and Jared laughs a little bit. "You're drunk."
"Kinda, yeah," Jensen admits. "I've been sleeping in the other bed, the one closer to the balcony because, yeah, we have a balcony. Have you seen the balcony?"
Jared smiles and shakes his head. "Not yet."
"Aw, man, you have to see the balcony. It's totally sweet. Check it out." He pops up off the bed and pulls back the curtains. Even though it's the middle of the night, Jared can see lights flashing and hear voices and music when Jensen opens the door. He pulls on his jeans and follows Jensen out onto the balcony. He can hear the surf and smell salt air.
"That's the ocean," Jensen says. "Chad totally hooked us up. That's the beach right there. Look! I think I see boobs."
Jared laughs and hooks his arms around Jensen's waist, rests his chin on Jensen's shoulder. It's gorgeous out, in the high 70s with a breeze.
"Oh, hey," Jensen says, turning suddenly and nearly snapping his cheekbone into Jared's chin. "How'd things go with your family? Is everything OK?"
Jared sighs.
"What happened?"
"It went OK. They're just...they need time."
Jensen kisses him. "Are you OK?"
"Yeah," he says, relieved to find that it's true. "Yeah, I'm all right. Just tired. I'm going to bed."
"Right behind you," Jensen says. "Just got to brush my teeth."
Jared peels off his t-shirt and boxers, climbs into bed, and sighs. Jensen closed the screen door but left the sliding glass door open so he can hear the sounds of the street ten stories below. It's strangely peaceful.
"You get the ocean air," Jensen says a few minutes later, sliding into bed behind him. "Wake up hearing seagulls. It's awesome."
"Thought you might want to sleep in the other bed," he says.
"Nah." Jensen kisses the back of his neck. "Plenty of room to stretch out, no worry about your ass hitting the floor." He snuggles up closer, tucks his knees in behind Jared's.
Jared smiles. He likes curling up together like spoons, likes the way he feels safe and loved when Jensen holds him like that. "Really missed you," he says.
"You too." Jensen kisses the back of his neck again and they both drift off to sleep.
Part Two
'Verse: Waiting for My Real Life to Begin
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17
Summary: They've been dating for about two months, and there's possible coming out and Spring Break to look forward to.
A/N: Split into two parts due to length.
You probably want to read the rest of the 'verse first:
One | Two | Three | Four | Five | Six
Interlude
Jared has had a boyfriend for two months, six days, and--he looks at the clock--nineteen hours. He feels a little lame for keeping track like that, so he doesn't tell anybody he knows it down to the hour.
In two months, six days, and nineteen hours, Jared has discovered that Jensen doesn't sleep well smushed up next to someone else, which is unfortunate since they only have twin beds. They've compromised, though, with Jensen usually snuggling next to Jared and only climbing back up into his bunk once Jared's asleep.
He knows that Jensen loves to be kissed from head to toe, will whimper and writhe and stay rock hard for hours as long as Jared keeps his mouth on him. Jensen likes sucking cock enough that the suggestion of it is one of the few things that will make him look away from his books when he's supposed to be studying.
Jared likes sucking cock, too, a lot more than he thought he would. He likes the taste of it and the weight of Jensen's cock on his tongue and most of all the soft, needy sounds Jensen makes when he does it. He really likes showing off, loves it when Jensen looks at him, loves to touch himself knowing that Jensen's watching. It's dirty and hot and wrong in the really, really good way.
Jensen gives the best back rubs ever. In the history of the world. He can work out all the kinks in Jared's back or put him to sleep or make him come just from rubbing his shoulders. Jared's a little in awe of it.
Jensen has scars on his knee from when he'd gotten hurt during high school baseball and had to have surgery. He's got a scar on his elbow from falling off his bike onto broken glass when he was thirteen. He has nightmares sometimes that he doesn't want to talk about, but Jared suspects they're about his family not loving him. He lost his virginity when he was fifteen to a chubby girl named Addi who was in one of his acting classes.
Jensen took acting classes in high school, did theater and musicals and everything. "How did people not know you were gay?" Jared asks and gets an elbow in his ribs for his trouble before admitting that he starred in the 8th grade production of Hansel and Gretel. Puppetry may or may not have been involved.
Jensen's mom calls him every Sunday. They never talk about him being gay but even Jared can feel the tension in the air. Jensen's usually quiet and withdrawn on Sunday evenings.
Jared's mama calls him whenever she feels like it, which is pretty much every other day. She tells him stories about her classes and he makes her laugh with PG-rated impersonations of Chad and Adam and he knows he's going to have to tell her the truth soon. Not telling her feels like a lie, and Jared's always hated lying to his mama.
Jared stares at the clock in his room, knowing it's too early to call her but trying to work up the courage to do it anyway. He's had a boyfriend for two months, six days, and twenty hours, and not being able to share how happy he is with his family really sucks.
He talks to Megan about it a little bit, but she mostly wants to know whether or not they're having sex and what sorts of things they do when they get naked, and there are some things you just don't talk about with your little sister, no matter how supportive she is.
"I have to tell them," he says when Jensen comes back from class.
Jensen sighs.
"I hate not telling them."
Jensen sits on the side of Jared's bed, runs his fingers through Jared's hair. "I know."
"Do you think I should tell them?" he asks, searching Jensen's face for an answer, for something to make it easier.
"I don't know," Jensen admits. "I guess...I don't know. I guess it's time to come out when it's harder to keep lying than to tell the truth."
"I need to tell them," Jared says.
Jensen nods and leans down to kiss him.
Jared decides he'll tell them over Spring Break. It will give them time to get readjusted to each other and he can tell them late in the week so if they take it bad, he doesn't have to deal with it for long.
Chad pretty much blows that whole idea out of the water. His family owns hotels on South Padre Island and he doesn't ask Jared to come so much as he tells him he's going.
"An entire floor to ourselves, two to a room, girls and guys both, Mexico's 20 minutes away, and you can get drunk on the beach," Chad tells him. "You're in with Jen--"
"Wait," says Jensen. "I'm not going."
"Are fucking so, bitch. You miss this, you'll be even more retarded than I thought you were when you moved in."
Jensen looks over at Jared and raises one eyebrow. Jared shrugs.
"It's a huge fucking party all week long and I know that neither one of you is interested in all the free pussy, but I cannot in good conscience let you miss this."
"Guess we're going to South Padre," Jensen says.
Jared shrugs. "Yeah. Guess so." It's a relief, really. He doesn't have to tell them. He can just picture the disappointment in their eyes when they learn the truth, and disappointing his parents still makes him feel like he wants to die.
He's not going to San Antonio for Spring Break, he's flying on a chartered plane with 300 other kids down to South Padre Island for a week of drunken debauchery. Which doesn't explain why he's got his bag packed for San Antonio and a ticket confirmation for the Greyhound bus printed out and in his jacket pocket.
"You're not coming," Jensen says, leaning against the door.
Jared turns and he doesn't know what to say, doesn't know how to explain it. He has to go back to San Antonio. He has to tell them the truth. "I..." he says.
Jensen smiles and reaches out for him, kisses him softly. "You do what you gotta do, Jay."
"I'll be there," he says. "I will. Just...I need a few days at home first."
"All right," Jensen whispers against his mouth, which reaffirms Jared's decision to tell his parents the truth. He has the best boyfriend ever and Jensen should never have to be anyone's secret.
Jared hates taking the bus. He likes people, generally, but not bus people. He leaves his headphones on even when he's not listening to anything and pretends to study and winds his arm through his backpack multiple times so nobody can steal anything while he sleeps. He spends the first few hours trying not to think about what's going to happen when he gets there. Thinking about it too much makes him anxious and a little sick to his stomach, though that may just be the woman next to him who smells like feet.
The bus ride seems to take forever and he can't decide if he wants to be home already or if he never wants to get there. Finally, though, the bus pulls up to the station in San Antonio and his parents are there waiting for him.
He hugs his mama tight, picks her up off the ground a little bit, making her laugh. He hugs his daddy next, who says, "So, tell me about geology."
"It's awesome," Jared tells them both, grabbing up his duffle bag and swinging it over his shoulder. His daddy's carrying his backpack and his mama's searching her purse for the car keys. "Dr. Partovi's great, has helped me pick out all my classes for next year and he's giving me ideas for where to apply to graduate programs if I want to specialize in speleology, and--"
"Speleology?" his daddy asks. "Does that mean caves?"
"Yeah. It's not just geology, either, you have to know biology and chemistry--cartography, even."
His mama turns and pats his cheek. "Such a smart boy," she says.
"We're really proud of you," his daddy says.
Jared hunches in his shoulders and smiles and tries not to feel an overwhelming sense of dread.
He leans his head against the window on the drive home and watches the lights of San Antonio pass by.
"You're quiet tonight," his mama says as she pulls into the driveway. "You sure everything's all right?"
"I'm fine," he says. "I'm tired."
"He did just spend a day traveling," says his daddy.
Jared gets out of the car and stretches until his spine pops in a few places. "I think I'm gonna shower the bus stench off of me," he says.
"Are you hungry? I could make you something to eat."
"I ate at the stop in Austin," he tells her, which is mostly true. He'd bought something to eat and had picked at it, but he'd been too nervous to eat.
He showers and pulls on clean sweats and a long-sleeved t-shirt. He sits down on his bed and calls Jensen.
"Hey," Jensen says when he answers. Jared can hear loud music and voices in the background. "Hold on just a second, k?" After about 30 seconds the voices and the music become muffled. "You still there?"
"Guess you got to South Padre all right," Jared says.
"Yeah. I was just going to crash, but Chad's really persuasive when he wants you to come out. How are you? You at home?"
"Yeah. I haven't told them."
"You don't have to, you know. If it doesn't feel right--"
"No, it's time. I'm just nervous."
"They love you," Jensen tells him.
"Your parents love you, too, and they sent you off to get brainwashed."
Jensen sighs.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."
"It's OK. And yeah, they weren't happy with it. They still aren't happy with it, but they're OK with it and that's a really big step for them."
"I know. I didn't mean to make it sound like they were assholes."
"I know."
There's the slam of a door and a flush and Jared laughs. "Are you in the bathroom?"
"There wasn't anywhere else quiet and it would have taken me ten minutes to get out the front door. This place is packed with people. If I liked tits, I would be in heaven."
Jared laughs again. He takes a deep breath. "I don't know how to say it. How did you say it?"
"I was in a pretty fucked up place when I told them," Jensen says softly. "I asked them to help me change because I couldn't do it on my own."
"I'm so sorry."
"It's all right. It worked out OK."
"I think I'm going to tell them right now," Jared says. He takes a deep breath. "I should just tell them now, right? Like ripping off a band aid."
"I guess. I told the people at the front desk that you were coming. There's a key at the front desk for you."
"You expect it to be that bad?"
"No. No, I think your parents will understand. I just wanted to let you know before I forgot. And I'm going to have my phone with me all the time, so you call me whenever you need to. Middle of the night, whatever."
"OK," Jared says. "I miss you."
"Miss you, too. It's not much fun without you here."
"I'll see you soon," Jared says. "Bye."
"Bye, Jay. Good luck."
Jared flips his phone closed and sets it on his nightstand. He leaves his room and walks into the living room where his mother is grading papers and his father is sitting in his favorite green armchair reading a book on the history of Moorish Spain.
"Where's Megan?" he asks.
"Staying the night over at Kirsten's," his mama says. She looks up from her grading and sets the papers on the end table. "You sure you're not hungry?"
"I'm sure."
She gets up, lays her pen down on top of the papers. "Because it's not any trouble and--"
"I'm not hungry," he says. He takes a deep breath. "I just have to talk to you. Both of you."
"Is everything all right at school?"
"Yeah. Yeah, everything's great. Classes and my friends and everything. I just, I haven't been telling you something, and it...it feels wrong, not telling you."
"Honey?" his mama asks, reaching out for him.
Jared ducks away from her and walks across the room, rubbing his palms on his jeans. "I wanted to, God, I wanted to tell you so many times and I just...I don't want to hurt you but I don't want to keep secrets, either."
"JT, what could you ever do that would hurt us?" his mama asks. "I don't know what you're worried about, but--"
"Let the boy talk, Sherri," his daddy says softly.
"I'm gay," he says quickly, before he can chicken out.
His daddy says nothing. His mama says, "What?"
"I said--"
"I heard what you said." Her voice is shaking. "Why would you say that?"
"Because it's true." He'd decided to leave the "probably bisexual" part out since it would only make things more complicated.
"No," she says, shaking her head. "I know that college is hard, that you're confused--"
"I'm not confused."
"You are. You just don't know it. It's all right. We'll work this out."
"Work this out?" he asks. He'd expected tears and some yelling. He hadn't expected flat out denial.
"You'll get over it," she says, as if it's simple, as if he doesn't even know his own mind.
He wants to shout at her but he takes a deep breath instead. He'd known it wouldn't be easy. He'd promised himself he wouldn't yell. "I won't get over it," he whispers.
"I'm sure it all seems very glamorous right now, but--"
"Glamorous?" he demands, very close to a shout. He forces himself to close his mouth and breathe.
"With all this activism on TV and celebrities coming out of the closet and such. I know it's hard to find your own identity when you're young, that you want to be part of the in crowd--"
"The in crowd?" he asks. "What in the hell makes you think that being gay is in?"
"Don't curse in front of your mama," his daddy says.
"Sorry. I just...it's not a phase. I know you want it to be, but it's not."
"But you're just a baby," she says. "You're only eighteen."
"I know who I am. And I love you, and I want you to know, too."
She looks at him and her eyes well with tears. He wants to take it back. He wants to tell her it's not true because he can't make her cry.
"You're too young," she says, tears evident in her voice. "You don't know."
"I do," he says. He swallows hard. He doesn't want to cry. "I'm sorry it hurts you."
"You don't know," she repeats, crying openly.
"Mama," he says, but she shakes her head and rushes from the room.
Jared sits down in front of the fireplace and rests his elbows on his knees, his head hanging down. When he looks up, his father is still sitting in the green wingchair, polishing his glasses.
"Daddy," Jared says.
His daddy sighs. "This isn't going to be easy for either one of us," he says.
Jared nods. "But you believe me?"
"Can't see why you'd lie." He looks up at Jared without putting his glasses back on. "We love you, JT, both of us, but this is going to take some time."
"Okay," Jared whispers.
His daddy puts his glasses on, stands up. "I should see to your mama," he says. He's halfway down the hall when he comes back, stands in the doorway for a moment. "I'm headed out to Calaveras tomorrow if you're interested."
"Yeah," says Jared softly. "Definitely."
His daddy nods and walks back down the hall, and the last thing Jared hears is the soft snick of his parents' bedroom door closing.
Jared's shaking and he feels like he might pass out. He goes to him room and lies on his bed and doesn't sleep for a very, very long time.
In the morning, he and his daddy go fishing at Calaveras. They don't talk much. They never do. It's a relief, really, to just settle into their natural rhythm, only talk when maneuvering the boat into the water and discussing the relative merits of liver versus cheese as bait or the chances of the Spurs taking the NBA finals next season.
They reel in more than enough channel catfish for lunch and Jared even manages to land a good ten-pound bass, which has his daddy hooting with joy before they let it go.
He's still grinning from the catch when his daddy says, "You're just the same Jared you've always been, aren't you?"
Jared swallows hard and doesn't drop his fishing rod and nods. "Yeah," he whispers. He's embarrassed that he's so close to crying from just one simple question.
"We're going to need some time," his daddy says as he casts out a line. "Your mama especially. She's taking this hard. I don't really understand it myself, but you know how she worries."
"I know."
"And you're absolutely sure about this?"
"Yeah. I am."
His daddy sighs, reels in his line, casts it back out again. The heartfelt discussion over and done with, they call it a day and head back to shore.
Jared wants to change and maybe shower, but when he gets to his room his mama is standing in the middle of it, gazing at his closet.
"Mama?" he asks.
She turns and looks at him, then looks away. "Do you remember," she begins, her voice soft and far away, "that time you took all the sheets from the linen closet and made a huge labyrinthine fort in here? Lord, what a mess. You had sheets pinned to the walls, sheets draped over chairs and all around your bed."
"You let me keep it up for a week," he says. "And it wasn't a fort, it was my Fortress of Solitude."
She laughs, then her face crumples and she starts to cry.
"Mama," Jared whispers.
"You were a handful," she tells him. "And a joy. And people are going to hate you."
"No one's going to--"
"They will. They'll hate you and want to kill you. They'll try to kill you. And you're my son, my little JT making blanket forts and people will hurt you and I can't--" she breaks off with a sob.
Jared strides towards her and pulls her into his arms. "It's all right," he says. "I'm all right. No one's going to hurt me."
"They will," she whispers against his shoulder. Her arms are tight around his waist. "But if you just...if you're wrong, if you're just confused, then..."
"I'm not. And I can't control what other people think of me."
"Oh, Lord, my face," she says, pulling away from him. She wipes away the mascara beneath her eyes. She sniffs and hiccups and says, "I should get cleaned up."
"Mama," Jared says, "we need to talk about this."
"There's nothing to talk about," she says firmly before leaving his room.
Jared sighs and sits on his bed and shakes his head. He stinks like fish and he peels off his clothes and takes a hot shower. He's just finished throwing in a load of laundry when his mama says, "I could have done that."
"Oh. I guess I'm just used to doing it myself," he tells her.
"You're never going to have a family," she says. Her eyes are puffy and the mascara is long gone.
Jared sighs. "That's not..." He doesn't even know what to say to that.
"I need to get lunch ready," she says.
Watching his mother cry while cooking catfish is probably the lowest point in Jared's entire life. He doesn't know what to say. Everything he says only makes her cry harder so he just sits at the table and stares at his hands.
"Did somebody die?" Megan asks from the kitchen doorway. She's got her overnight bag slung over one shoulder and an expression of concern on her face.
"No," Jared says. "I told--"
"Don't tell your sister," his mama snaps.
"I already know," Megan says, hand on one hip. "I've known for months." She drops her bag on the floor and comes into the kitchen, leans down to give Jared a hug. "You should have waited until I was home," she tells him.
"I didn't know you weren't going to be here. It wouldn't have changed anything."
"I could have told Mama that it's nothing to cry about."
Their mama rushes out of the room and Jared sighs, then gets up to finish cooking the fish.
"You went fishing without me, too?" Megan asks. "Are they blue or channel?"
"Channel," he says, flipping the pieces over.
"My favorite. Do you want me to go talk to her?"
"You don't have to. She just keeps crying."
"Did you tell her about Jensen?"
He shakes his head. "It's complicated enough already."
"I'm gonna go talk to her," she says.
The fish is finished in a few minutes and Jared sets it to drain on paper towels and sprinkles it with salt and pepper. He cuts up a lemon into wedges and sighs and looks at the empty kitchen.
"Where's your mama?" his daddy asks, peeking his head into the kitchen.
"Crying," Jared tells him. "Megan went to talk to her."
His daddy sighs. They set the table in silence and Jared gets the green beans out of the microwave.
Megan shows up a few minutes later. "She says we should eat without her."
"You two go ahead and get started," their daddy says before leaving the kitchen.
Jared picks at his food and pushes it around his plate. Megan eats two helpings. "I can't believe you're not eating this," she tells him. "Fresh fish is the best."
"She's never going to stop crying."
"She will. She's just...she's old."
"She's not old."
"Older than us. She doesn't know how things really are."
Jared's not sure that's the problem but he doesn't feel like arguing the point.
After dinner, Jared knocks on his parents' bedroom door. His mama doesn't say anything so he pushes the door open slowly. "Can I come in?" he asks.
"Of course," she says. She's sitting on her bed, her back against the headboard, gazing down at a book he's pretty sure she's not really reading.
"You're really upset," he says.
She shakes her head. "No. There's nothing to be upset about."
He sighs. "Mama, I--"
She glares up at him. "I don't know how you got that idea into your fool head, but you're wrong."
He has so many things he wants to say that. He wants to scream at her and ask what the hell is wrong with her. He wants to tell her to stop being delusional. He wants to snap that he enjoys sucking cock way too much to be confused. Instead he says, "I should go."
She shakes her head. "No. No, you should stay here. You can...you can transfer. Finish up the year at UTSA."
"I don't think it works that way," he tells her. "And even if it did, I wouldn't do it."
"You need us," she says. "You need your family around you right now to lead you in the right direction."
He sighs and thinks back to what Jensen had said about his family's reaction. "We're just going to keep on having the same conversation, aren't we?" he asks her.
"If you'd just realize..."
"What? That I'm wrong? That this is some sort of fad? When have you ever known me to just follow the crowd? When have you ever known me to let someone else decide what's right for me?"
"It's not right," she tells him. "It's a sin."
Jared nods. "Maybe. Doesn't change things. I thought we could talk about it but I'm just upsetting you, aren't I?"
"I don't want you to go," she says. She reaches up and smoothes his hair.
"I think I probably should."
Her lower lip quivers but she doesn't cry again. She doesn't argue with him, either.
His father drives him to the bus stop. They don't say much, but before Jared leaves his father hugs him and says, "She'll come around."
Jared nods. He's not sure she will, but he's too wrung out to argue the point.
Greyhound only runs as far as Brownsville and he has to take a seriously overpriced cab to the hotel on South Padre Island. He doesn't even care, pays the cabbie willingly and goes to the front desk where they're holding a key for him. He doesn't even check out the room when he gets there, drops his duffle bag on the floor next to Jensen's and takes a shower, thankful to wash the travel grime away.
It's well past midnight and he wonders where Jensen is, decides he's probably out partying with everyone else since Jared's not expected back for another day. He doesn't want to call and seem needy.
He climbs into the nearest bed and curls up and closes his eyes. It feels so good to lie down, to not have to listen to the grind of the bus engine or the sounds of other people all around him. He hasn't slept well in days and falls asleep easily.
He wakes up when he hears a female giggle, then Jensen's hushed voice. He sits up and just sees the door closing, is reaching for his jeans when the door opens again and Jensen's walking in.
"Hey," Jensen whispers. "I didn't mean to wake you up. I thought you weren't getting here until tomorrow."
"I wasn't."
"You all right?" Jensen crawls across the bed to get to him, kisses him a little harder than necessary. "You didn't call me."
He tastes like tequila and fruit and Jared laughs a little bit. "You're drunk."
"Kinda, yeah," Jensen admits. "I've been sleeping in the other bed, the one closer to the balcony because, yeah, we have a balcony. Have you seen the balcony?"
Jared smiles and shakes his head. "Not yet."
"Aw, man, you have to see the balcony. It's totally sweet. Check it out." He pops up off the bed and pulls back the curtains. Even though it's the middle of the night, Jared can see lights flashing and hear voices and music when Jensen opens the door. He pulls on his jeans and follows Jensen out onto the balcony. He can hear the surf and smell salt air.
"That's the ocean," Jensen says. "Chad totally hooked us up. That's the beach right there. Look! I think I see boobs."
Jared laughs and hooks his arms around Jensen's waist, rests his chin on Jensen's shoulder. It's gorgeous out, in the high 70s with a breeze.
"Oh, hey," Jensen says, turning suddenly and nearly snapping his cheekbone into Jared's chin. "How'd things go with your family? Is everything OK?"
Jared sighs.
"What happened?"
"It went OK. They're just...they need time."
Jensen kisses him. "Are you OK?"
"Yeah," he says, relieved to find that it's true. "Yeah, I'm all right. Just tired. I'm going to bed."
"Right behind you," Jensen says. "Just got to brush my teeth."
Jared peels off his t-shirt and boxers, climbs into bed, and sighs. Jensen closed the screen door but left the sliding glass door open so he can hear the sounds of the street ten stories below. It's strangely peaceful.
"You get the ocean air," Jensen says a few minutes later, sliding into bed behind him. "Wake up hearing seagulls. It's awesome."
"Thought you might want to sleep in the other bed," he says.
"Nah." Jensen kisses the back of his neck. "Plenty of room to stretch out, no worry about your ass hitting the floor." He snuggles up closer, tucks his knees in behind Jared's.
Jared smiles. He likes curling up together like spoons, likes the way he feels safe and loved when Jensen holds him like that. "Really missed you," he says.
"You too." Jensen kisses the back of his neck again and they both drift off to sleep.
Part Two