Even If You Never Love Me, Chapter 10
Rating: T-M
Genres: Angst, Romance, Drama
Warnings: A lot of cuss.
Spoilers: Up through Special Education
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee. Author's Notes: This is my original plot, guys! No prompts required! Big deal for me... Summary: "In a perfect world, I'd be able to know what it's like to... hold your hand? Take you on a date? Kiss you? You'd let me feel what it's like to be your boyfriend, just for a day. Just for one day. One day where you're mine?" Word Count: 2,038
Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Tangerine Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Hyena Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Tia and Tamara Chapter 8 Chapter 9
Blaine lies there, staring at the emptiness above him, until he no longer feels like crying. Never has he had to fight so hard to keep the tears back. Finally, he rolls off the couch, catches himself on alcohol-soaked legs, and stumbles down the stairs. David's still with his blonde, having moved to Blaine's former corner seat to make out. Too fucking bad. "David, I want to go home." David doesn't hear him, but with the music playing, Blaine doesn't even hear his weak voice. He taps David's arm, the one seeking the clasps of Blonde's bra, until David realizes his girl isn't that flexible.
When David opens his eyes, Blaine points to the door.
David makes the universal "Are You Serious?" bug eyes, and Blaine levels a glare. If David could make them come to this awful party, Blaine can make them leave.
Seeing the communication, Blonde slides off David and finds a more convenient lap.
David looks truly devastated, "You see what you did?"
Blaine adds power to his voice, makes sure David hears, "Take me home."
David relents, digging out his keys as they head for the front door.
In the passenger seat, Blaine fumes. He didn't want to go to that party, and it certainly didn't make him feel better. It made him feel much, much worse, so David must be the biggest idiot in the universe.
David breaks the silence, "Did you at least give Alex a chance?"
Blaine's eyebrows shoot up in surprise, "You saw us together?"
David snorts, "Are you kidding me? With you hiding in the corner, Alex never would have seen you period if it weren't for me."
Red flag.
"Wait. You set me up?"
"If by that you mean, 'sent an attractive, available guy your way,' then yes, I set you up."
Blaine can't even form a response to this. Too many thoughts are bouncing about his brain.
David fills the silence, "Parties are about meeting people, socializing. Pouting in the corner wasn't going to do you any favors."
"So you sent a guy over to do me favors?" Blaine's tone is incredulous, annoyed.
"I sent a guy over to cheer you up, because I'm your friend. Sue me."
"Well, I'm still not cheery, so let's try again. Hell, with that failure under my belt, let's write off free guys all together and move onto prostitutes. Those make everyone feel better!"
David rolls his eyes at his friend's dramatic response, "I honestly don't understand why you're this upset. I'm sorry things didn't work out with Alex. We'll find you someone else."
Seriously? They'll find him someone? "Don't set me up," he grits through his teeth.
David sighs, "I'm just trying to help."
"I don't need your help."
"Really? Doing just fine on your own, are you?" Sarcasm isn't really David's thing, so it stings that much more. That would likely explain Blaine's inelegant retort.
"Shut up."
"Blaine, I know you think-"
"Seriously. You need to stop talking."
It works. The car is thrown into silence. A verbal neutral zone forms between them and there's peace in the galaxy.
Then, five seconds pass.
"You need to get over Kurt."
Everything inside of Blaine clenches and ceases to function in the same instant. Did that really just happen? Did David really just say that?
"Excuse me?"
"He's not interested in you, Blaine. Not like that. You need to move on."
No. They aren't talking about this, not after how rough these past few days have been. Not with how raw and exposed this topic feels. "You don't know what you're talking about."
But, doesn't he?
"You have feelings for him. It's obvious. It's also obvious that he takes every opportunity to remind you you're just friends. At first, it seemed like a harmless crush, but it's become evident how badly it's been effecting you. You've been missing school, failing assignments, ignoring the people around you. Kurt's not going to change the way he feels, and you need to move on with your life."
"How dare you..." How dare he what? Speak the truth? Say what everyone else sees? Remove the rose-colored glasses Blaine isn't even trying to wear?
"I care about you, Blaine. I don't want to see you hurt."
"So you took me to get drunk and have sex so I can get over someone? That's how you show you care? God, you are such a shit friend!"
"Perhaps you'd have preferred me leaving you to sit alone in the choir room, staring after Kurt's shadow?" David's question is said so calmly, and that just pisses Blaine off more. Why does David get to be calm when Blaine feels like his life's become a mudslide?
"Fuck you." He wants it to sound mean, angry, but it just sounds so sad it's pathetic.
David nods sadly, "I can see we won't be making any more progress tonight."
What progress does David thing they made?
David turns onto the road Dalton Academy is on, travelling through Westerville on his way toward Blaine's house, and Blaine's car, alone in the parking lot, becomes a homing beacon.
Blaine can not be in this car anymore.
"Just let me out here."
David doesn't even slow down, "What?"
"I'm driving the rest of the way myself."
David sighs like he's talking to a stubborn two-year-old in need of a nap, "You're too drunk to drive."
Blaine unbuckles his seat belt, "Then I'll sit there until I sober up."
"Don't be stupid, Blaine."
"Don't call me stupid! I need my car tomorrow. Let me out!"
There's no reason the Lexus Blaine took out is any more important that the dozens of other vehicles in his garage. He's such a crappy liar it's a blessing no one cares about him enough to pay attention. David stops the car.
Blaine doesn't even wait for the car to stop bouncing on its braked wheels to launch himself out the door.
It's a long time before he hears David drive away, the passenger door slamming with the car's momentum.
Blaine had no intention to stick to his word and just sit in his car until it's safe to drive (it's already safe to drive, since he is so not drunk), but he's behind the wheel and his key is still in his hand. He's not sure what's holding him back. His bed is still calling him, it's cold, there's nothing particularly interesting out his windshield...
It's like he's tethered to something. The recent past. David's car. That awful conversation left (hopefully forever) unfinished. But, those aren't here, so Blaine shouldn't feel he has to be, either.
He lifts the key toward the ignition and his hand feels heavier somehow, like he's moving through water with his clothes on. The key scratches around its goal, seeking, before sliding into place.
On his first attempt, the engine doesn't turn over. His car just shrieks in pain, startling Blaine out of a stupor he was unaware of being in.
He shakes his head, but the feeling of dusty cobwebs doesn't lift.
He twists the key again, and the car starts.
The radio immediately blasts, something he used to enjoy but has recently become something he simply lacks the energy to turn off.
The song is familiar.
"...you make me smile..."
A snow-covered park.
"Please stay for a while now..."
Swings flying through the air.
"Just take your time..."
A hand on his cheek, the gaze of his boyfriend.
"Wherever you go."
His magical date with Kurt. Something about this song makes him think of that, of their time together.
Something splashes on his pants. Drip. Drip. He looks down, but can't make out what it is through his blurry vision. He reaches a hand up to rub his eyes, and his fingers slide slick across his face. They come back wet... with tears. Is he crying? Why is he crying?
It's just a song. It reminds him of something happy, possibly the best time of his life: his day with Kurt. His dream date made reality. Everything he could ever want. Everything, except more of it.
But it's over now. He only got one day. That's his fault, since he only asked for one day. He should have asked for more, but it's too late now. He got what he's ever going to get.
It was worth it. He got to spend the whole day with Kurt. Twenty-four hours when he never felt alone. He got to love someone, share his life with them, and it got to be Kurt. He got to cuddle Kurt, kiss him, make him feel the ultimate pleasure. He got to hold him, be held by him, for a whole night. It was absolutely perfect.
And it's over now. Gone forever.
Drip. Drip. Drip.
That's right, he's crying. Why is he crying?
It was a beautiful date. He wishes it could have gone on forever. He's so lucky to have experienced it. If only there was still something to look forward to.
It was so wonderful. Why couldn't it last?
The sob surprises Blaine. They were just confusing tears before, but sobs?
Why can't he just reflect on his date in peace? Why does his body have to be so sad?
Bodies don't get sad on their own. If he's crying, he must be sad.
Why is he sad? It was the best date of his life, always will be. Why does he have to dwell on the fact that it ended?
Why did it have to end? It ended so soon. Days are so much shorter than they seem, so small. Even in his short lifetime, he's already forgotten more days that he remembers.
He'll never forget that one, though. That day will replay in his mind for the rest of his life.
He's sobbing harder now.
It was a good date, nothing to cry over. Everything went right. In any other circumstance, it would have been worth a second date.
Why wasn't Blaine worth a second date?
That thought is a realization that parts the clouds to reveal a too-bright sun.
Blaine gasps, pulling in air as his diaphragm stutters with the weight of his emotions. The air leaves in a wail, loud and pained, before the sobs return.
Why wasn't Blaine good enough? Why did he only get a pity date? Why can't Kurt love him?
Why did he ever think one date would be enough for him?
Why has it taken so long to realize it wasn't?
God, he's so stupid! What did he think was bringing him down all week? The weather? It was staring him in the face and he just closed his eyes, too afraid to acknowledge it.
He tasted paradise and it was ripped from him. The aftertaste is so bitter.
He's never been as happy as he was on that date, and he'll never get that again. He'll never be that happy again. He'll never get to love someone again. Kurt's it, and it's over. That's just so...
Depressing.
Depressed. Of course. Of course he's depressed. How couldn't he be? It makes so much sense.
Shit, he's depressed. That's serious. That's medical. That's... That's something you get after a tragedy, like the loss of a loved one. Depression isn't for rich prep school boys in the prime of their lives. It's definitely not something you get over one date that didn't go the way you wanted. That's just... pathetic. He's...
No. Blaine Anderson is not pathetic. He's not. So he's definitely not going to let this bring him down. Anymore.
He's cried enough, more than enough. He's cried too much. He's missed too much school, skipped too many assignments, ignored too many lessons. He's not doing that anymore. He's Blaine Anderson, and that still means something.
Blaine Anderson taught himself to drive on his sixteenth birthday. Blaine Anderson studied the recommended reading and was the only student ever to earn a 100% on one of Professor Bowle's midterms. Blaine Anderson can memorize an entire routine, including lyrics, in one night. Blaine Anderson is stronger than this, and he's going to show the world.
As soon as he leaves this parking lot. *Thank you for all your kind reviews, and for just reading what I'm posting. It's every writer's dream!* Chapter 11
Genres: Angst, Romance, Drama
Warnings: A lot of cuss.
Spoilers: Up through Special Education
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee. Author's Notes: This is my original plot, guys! No prompts required! Big deal for me... Summary: "In a perfect world, I'd be able to know what it's like to... hold your hand? Take you on a date? Kiss you? You'd let me feel what it's like to be your boyfriend, just for a day. Just for one day. One day where you're mine?" Word Count: 2,038
Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Tangerine Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Hyena Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Tia and Tamara Chapter 8 Chapter 9
Blaine lies there, staring at the emptiness above him, until he no longer feels like crying. Never has he had to fight so hard to keep the tears back. Finally, he rolls off the couch, catches himself on alcohol-soaked legs, and stumbles down the stairs. David's still with his blonde, having moved to Blaine's former corner seat to make out. Too fucking bad. "David, I want to go home." David doesn't hear him, but with the music playing, Blaine doesn't even hear his weak voice. He taps David's arm, the one seeking the clasps of Blonde's bra, until David realizes his girl isn't that flexible.
When David opens his eyes, Blaine points to the door.
David makes the universal "Are You Serious?" bug eyes, and Blaine levels a glare. If David could make them come to this awful party, Blaine can make them leave.
Seeing the communication, Blonde slides off David and finds a more convenient lap.
David looks truly devastated, "You see what you did?"
Blaine adds power to his voice, makes sure David hears, "Take me home."
David relents, digging out his keys as they head for the front door.
In the passenger seat, Blaine fumes. He didn't want to go to that party, and it certainly didn't make him feel better. It made him feel much, much worse, so David must be the biggest idiot in the universe.
David breaks the silence, "Did you at least give Alex a chance?"
Blaine's eyebrows shoot up in surprise, "You saw us together?"
David snorts, "Are you kidding me? With you hiding in the corner, Alex never would have seen you period if it weren't for me."
Red flag.
"Wait. You set me up?"
"If by that you mean, 'sent an attractive, available guy your way,' then yes, I set you up."
Blaine can't even form a response to this. Too many thoughts are bouncing about his brain.
David fills the silence, "Parties are about meeting people, socializing. Pouting in the corner wasn't going to do you any favors."
"So you sent a guy over to do me favors?" Blaine's tone is incredulous, annoyed.
"I sent a guy over to cheer you up, because I'm your friend. Sue me."
"Well, I'm still not cheery, so let's try again. Hell, with that failure under my belt, let's write off free guys all together and move onto prostitutes. Those make everyone feel better!"
David rolls his eyes at his friend's dramatic response, "I honestly don't understand why you're this upset. I'm sorry things didn't work out with Alex. We'll find you someone else."
Seriously? They'll find him someone? "Don't set me up," he grits through his teeth.
David sighs, "I'm just trying to help."
"I don't need your help."
"Really? Doing just fine on your own, are you?" Sarcasm isn't really David's thing, so it stings that much more. That would likely explain Blaine's inelegant retort.
"Shut up."
"Blaine, I know you think-"
"Seriously. You need to stop talking."
It works. The car is thrown into silence. A verbal neutral zone forms between them and there's peace in the galaxy.
Then, five seconds pass.
"You need to get over Kurt."
Everything inside of Blaine clenches and ceases to function in the same instant. Did that really just happen? Did David really just say that?
"Excuse me?"
"He's not interested in you, Blaine. Not like that. You need to move on."
No. They aren't talking about this, not after how rough these past few days have been. Not with how raw and exposed this topic feels. "You don't know what you're talking about."
But, doesn't he?
"You have feelings for him. It's obvious. It's also obvious that he takes every opportunity to remind you you're just friends. At first, it seemed like a harmless crush, but it's become evident how badly it's been effecting you. You've been missing school, failing assignments, ignoring the people around you. Kurt's not going to change the way he feels, and you need to move on with your life."
"How dare you..." How dare he what? Speak the truth? Say what everyone else sees? Remove the rose-colored glasses Blaine isn't even trying to wear?
"I care about you, Blaine. I don't want to see you hurt."
"So you took me to get drunk and have sex so I can get over someone? That's how you show you care? God, you are such a shit friend!"
"Perhaps you'd have preferred me leaving you to sit alone in the choir room, staring after Kurt's shadow?" David's question is said so calmly, and that just pisses Blaine off more. Why does David get to be calm when Blaine feels like his life's become a mudslide?
"Fuck you." He wants it to sound mean, angry, but it just sounds so sad it's pathetic.
David nods sadly, "I can see we won't be making any more progress tonight."
What progress does David thing they made?
David turns onto the road Dalton Academy is on, travelling through Westerville on his way toward Blaine's house, and Blaine's car, alone in the parking lot, becomes a homing beacon.
Blaine can not be in this car anymore.
"Just let me out here."
David doesn't even slow down, "What?"
"I'm driving the rest of the way myself."
David sighs like he's talking to a stubborn two-year-old in need of a nap, "You're too drunk to drive."
Blaine unbuckles his seat belt, "Then I'll sit there until I sober up."
"Don't be stupid, Blaine."
"Don't call me stupid! I need my car tomorrow. Let me out!"
There's no reason the Lexus Blaine took out is any more important that the dozens of other vehicles in his garage. He's such a crappy liar it's a blessing no one cares about him enough to pay attention. David stops the car.
Blaine doesn't even wait for the car to stop bouncing on its braked wheels to launch himself out the door.
It's a long time before he hears David drive away, the passenger door slamming with the car's momentum.
Blaine had no intention to stick to his word and just sit in his car until it's safe to drive (it's already safe to drive, since he is so not drunk), but he's behind the wheel and his key is still in his hand. He's not sure what's holding him back. His bed is still calling him, it's cold, there's nothing particularly interesting out his windshield...
It's like he's tethered to something. The recent past. David's car. That awful conversation left (hopefully forever) unfinished. But, those aren't here, so Blaine shouldn't feel he has to be, either.
He lifts the key toward the ignition and his hand feels heavier somehow, like he's moving through water with his clothes on. The key scratches around its goal, seeking, before sliding into place.
On his first attempt, the engine doesn't turn over. His car just shrieks in pain, startling Blaine out of a stupor he was unaware of being in.
He shakes his head, but the feeling of dusty cobwebs doesn't lift.
He twists the key again, and the car starts.
The radio immediately blasts, something he used to enjoy but has recently become something he simply lacks the energy to turn off.
The song is familiar.
"...you make me smile..."
A snow-covered park.
"Please stay for a while now..."
Swings flying through the air.
"Just take your time..."
A hand on his cheek, the gaze of his boyfriend.
"Wherever you go."
His magical date with Kurt. Something about this song makes him think of that, of their time together.
Something splashes on his pants. Drip. Drip. He looks down, but can't make out what it is through his blurry vision. He reaches a hand up to rub his eyes, and his fingers slide slick across his face. They come back wet... with tears. Is he crying? Why is he crying?
It's just a song. It reminds him of something happy, possibly the best time of his life: his day with Kurt. His dream date made reality. Everything he could ever want. Everything, except more of it.
But it's over now. He only got one day. That's his fault, since he only asked for one day. He should have asked for more, but it's too late now. He got what he's ever going to get.
It was worth it. He got to spend the whole day with Kurt. Twenty-four hours when he never felt alone. He got to love someone, share his life with them, and it got to be Kurt. He got to cuddle Kurt, kiss him, make him feel the ultimate pleasure. He got to hold him, be held by him, for a whole night. It was absolutely perfect.
And it's over now. Gone forever.
Drip. Drip. Drip.
That's right, he's crying. Why is he crying?
It was a beautiful date. He wishes it could have gone on forever. He's so lucky to have experienced it. If only there was still something to look forward to.
It was so wonderful. Why couldn't it last?
The sob surprises Blaine. They were just confusing tears before, but sobs?
Why can't he just reflect on his date in peace? Why does his body have to be so sad?
Bodies don't get sad on their own. If he's crying, he must be sad.
Why is he sad? It was the best date of his life, always will be. Why does he have to dwell on the fact that it ended?
Why did it have to end? It ended so soon. Days are so much shorter than they seem, so small. Even in his short lifetime, he's already forgotten more days that he remembers.
He'll never forget that one, though. That day will replay in his mind for the rest of his life.
He's sobbing harder now.
It was a good date, nothing to cry over. Everything went right. In any other circumstance, it would have been worth a second date.
Why wasn't Blaine worth a second date?
That thought is a realization that parts the clouds to reveal a too-bright sun.
Blaine gasps, pulling in air as his diaphragm stutters with the weight of his emotions. The air leaves in a wail, loud and pained, before the sobs return.
Why wasn't Blaine good enough? Why did he only get a pity date? Why can't Kurt love him?
Why did he ever think one date would be enough for him?
Why has it taken so long to realize it wasn't?
God, he's so stupid! What did he think was bringing him down all week? The weather? It was staring him in the face and he just closed his eyes, too afraid to acknowledge it.
He tasted paradise and it was ripped from him. The aftertaste is so bitter.
He's never been as happy as he was on that date, and he'll never get that again. He'll never be that happy again. He'll never get to love someone again. Kurt's it, and it's over. That's just so...
Depressing.
Depressed. Of course. Of course he's depressed. How couldn't he be? It makes so much sense.
Shit, he's depressed. That's serious. That's medical. That's... That's something you get after a tragedy, like the loss of a loved one. Depression isn't for rich prep school boys in the prime of their lives. It's definitely not something you get over one date that didn't go the way you wanted. That's just... pathetic. He's...
No. Blaine Anderson is not pathetic. He's not. So he's definitely not going to let this bring him down. Anymore.
He's cried enough, more than enough. He's cried too much. He's missed too much school, skipped too many assignments, ignored too many lessons. He's not doing that anymore. He's Blaine Anderson, and that still means something.
Blaine Anderson taught himself to drive on his sixteenth birthday. Blaine Anderson studied the recommended reading and was the only student ever to earn a 100% on one of Professor Bowle's midterms. Blaine Anderson can memorize an entire routine, including lyrics, in one night. Blaine Anderson is stronger than this, and he's going to show the world.
As soon as he leaves this parking lot. *Thank you for all your kind reviews, and for just reading what I'm posting. It's every writer's dream!* Chapter 11