The Unicorn Who Helped Sam Reclaim His Childhood
Title: The Unicorn Who Helped Sam Reclaim His Childhood
Fandom: Supernatural
Rating/Warnings: R (lang.), spoilers through end of season 4
Characters: Sam, Dean, Castiel, a Unicorn
Word Count: 1,620
Disclaimer: I disclaim it!
Summary: Part Six in the Unicorn Verse collaboration between myself and maskedfangirl. The Unicorn shows up again and unfortunately for Sam nothing is on TV, so the Unicorn takes it upon himself to entertain him, and maybe heal his psyche a little bit while he's at it.
[1: The Unicorn Who Used Up Dean's Shampoo]
[ 2: The Unicorn Who Apologized For Stealing Hot Pockets]
[ 3: The Unicorn Who Made Sam Feel Deeply Uncomfortable]
[ 4: The Unicorn Who Interrupted An Angel Of The Lord]
[ 5: The Unicorn Who Ruined a Patented Winchester Heart-to-Heart]
Sam was flipping channels in the Winchester’s latest motel room, but he only found static to fill the silence of the empty space. The large refrigerator box his brother and Castiel had procured in order to catch Lucifer sat awkwardly between the two double beds, and now the scheming pair was out continuing their quest for “more devil chips.” Apparently Doritos Special Edition Late Night Last Call Jalapeño Popper chips were uncannily difficult to find in your typical small town market or gas station. Sam suspected Dean and Castiel were three towns over by now, raiding the nearest Wal-Mart.
“Deeeeeaaaaaaannnnnnnnerrrrssssss!” shrilled an unnervingly familiar voice from the other side of the refrigerator box. Sam leaned over to look around the cardboard, because his eyes insisted on confirming that yes, it was the Unicorn.
“Dean isn’t here,” Sam said flatly.
“But I brought him apology cornbread!” the Unicorn protested. “Also, I had vague hopes it could double as a peace offering for that angel douchenozzle. It’s my own recipe too. Not like the cinnamon rolls, which I just found a recipe for online. Oh no, this one has been perfected over several unicorn generations and finally passed down to me. Then I tweaked it a bit to make them absolutely perfect.”
“When exactly did you do this? I thought you lived in meadows.”
“I’m a unicorn you yak fucker. Now try my cornbread, it is orgasmic.”
“No thanks,” said Sam. He wasn’t exactly hungry at the moment and anyway, he wasn’t sure he would ever trust unicorn food.
“No? It will give you such a boner, it is so good. I’m serious.”
“Um, I think I’m good,” said Sam, allowing his face to smack into his palms.
The Unicorn set the parcel of cornbread on the table and edged around the bed to look Sam in the eye. “Watcha doin’?” he queried.
Sam clicked off the static-filled TV set and shrugged. “I was going to watch TV, but there’s nothing on.”
“Did you try ordering? You have to order if you want porn,” the Unicorn said knowingly.
“Dude, I don’t want to watch porn!”
“What are you a child?”
“No.”
“Because you’re sitting in a room with a giant box and watching static, which is not porn, on TV. All signs point to you being a child.”
“I am not a child,” Sam practically growled, and he scowled threateningly at the Unicorn.
The Unicorn just shook his head flinging glitter around, and gave what Sam guessed was supposed to be a sympathetic look, but in fact was a you’re-an-idiot look. “I understand Sam,” said the unicorn, slouching down to rest his haunches on Dean’s bed. “I had a shitty childhood too. My dad left us and I guess I always blamed myself.”
“You think I blame myself for what happened to my family?”
“Well… I don’t want to call you Mr. Demon Blood, but-“
Sam’s jaw clenched. “That was Azazel’s fault.”
“Hey, hey, so maybe it was. Point is-“
* * * *
Sam was standing in the tall grass at the edge of the woods near Bobby’s property. It was a sunny day with a light breeze tickling his hair against his face. Sam could not imagine a more serene place in the world. Then the giggling of children reached his ears. He looked up to see himself, only about seven-years-old, running through the tall grass nearly as tall as he was, Dean following behind him waving a large branch over young Sam’s head.
“Dean! Sam!” their father’s gruff voice called from Bobby’s car lot. “Let’s go; we’re behind schedule already.”
Sam watched his younger counterpart slump and turn to look at his brother, who dropped the branch obediently and gave a sad smirk as he turned to rush back toward their father and the Impala. Young Sam trudged along slowly behind him.
“What a pile of crap!” said the Unicorn from behind the much taller version of Sam who tried to hide the fact that he was startled enough to jump. “Don’t tell me you weren’t disappointed by your childhood after watching sad moments like that! What were you about to go do, Sam? Go do that now. I’m giving you the chance.”
“What, are you my own personal therapist unicorn now?”
“I wouldn’t go that far, Poo-burns. But I had an opening in my schedule.” The Unicorn’s eyes glinted in the sunlight, and Sam could swear he saw hearts and stars shining in his unicorn irises.
“I… I don’t remember what I was going to do. And in any case, I’m not seven-years-old anymore, Unicorn. I doubt it would hold the same appeal.”
“This is why you are always such a donkey fondler. You have none of your childhood spontaneity and joy.”
“I hardly had any of that as a child,” Sam admitted.
“You see,” the Unicorn whispered. “That’s the problem.”
* * * *
It was nighttime again, but Sam wasn’t back in his motel room. In fact, he appeared to be at the mercy of several very oversized stuffed animals. They glared at his chest with shiny, plastic eyes. Sam fumbled for a way to phrase his befuddlement.
“I’ve decided that reclaiming your inhumanly fucked up childhood is no way to heal,” explained the unicorn. “So I brought you here. It’s a toy store! C’mon, let’s play!” The Unicorn swished its tail in excitement, littering the floor with butterscotch candies packets of Fun Dip.
Sam frowned. “Where the hell are we?”
“F.A.O. Schwarz,” the unicorn deadpanned like it was obvious. “Funnily, we are still in 1990, on account of me only having so much energy for time travel, but that’s no matter. Look! A train set.”
Sam watched as the Unicorn gleefully pushed a painted wooden train along its track with a shimmering hoof.
“Dude, what the… Dude!” Dean’s voice enthused from behind a shelf full of princess dolls.
The Unicorn stopped playing with the train abruptly. “Was that Dean?”
“Yeah. You didn’t bring him here?”
“No,” the Unicorn huffed glitter.
“Then who did?” Sam wondered.
“Unicorn!” Castiel glared a glare so deep that his eyebrows nearly usurped his glimmering, blue eyes.
“Angel!” the Unicorn bellowed. “Can’t you see I’m in the middle of something here, you ass breathed mother of all pussies!”
“YOUR MOM!” Castiel shouted.
“Cas, I’ve been meaning to tell you,” started Dean. “Your mom jokes don’t really work the way you are telling them.”
“I am telling a joke?” Castiel tilted his head and gave Dean an inquisitive look. “I thought I was exchanging insults with this horned abomination.”
The Unicorn crossed his eyes giving his own horn a fond look. “I buffed it this morning, can you tell?”
Castiel glowered at the Unicorn some more. “What are you doing here with Sam Winchester?”
“We are reclaiming his childhood! Or, at least some rich kid’s childhood. C’mon Sam, pick out any toy in the store that you want! The store is closed and I can time travel, so we can just steal it!”
“The stealing bit actually sounds exactly like our childhood,” said Dean.
Castiel pouted before narrowing his eyes at the Unicorn once more. “I’m the Winchester’s personal time travel guide, NOT YOU! Unicorn!”
“Pffft, guess I’ve already proved you wrong. OH! Sammy! Let’s go play on the giant piano keys like we’re in a Tom Hanks film!”
Sam looked at Dean. He really didn’t know what was going on here. Should he listen to the unicorn? That guy was kind of a dick, but he did bring them corn bread, and he clearly was trying his best.
“COCK MUNCHER! GET YOUR GIGANTIC ASS OVER HERE!” the Unicorn shouted at Sam. A Ring Pop hit Castiel in the face as the Unicorn swished his tail impatiently.
“Seriously, Unicorn. Your mom,” said Castiel, utterly straight faced.
“My mom is going to be fucking proud of me for all this kindhearted, helping out ignorant buttlickers business that I’m attending too.”
“You just came to steal my Hot Pockets again,” Dean accused. “And you’d better keep your damned hooves offa my Bagel Bites!”
“I BROUGHT YOU CORN BREAD!” said the Unicorn indignantly. “As apology food, and I was kind of hoping to ease generations of animosity since you lot are all so eager to hang out with this dickwad. I mean, really. I don’t get it. Just look at his stupid hair.”
“What’s wrong with Cas’ hair?” asked Dean.
The Unicorn glared at him, his coat sparkling in a silent rage that went back millennia.
“Can we please all just go back to 2009, forget all this ridiculousness and go to bed?” asked Sam.
“Not until you all try my corn bread,” said the Unicorn looking at Castiel. “It’s fucking orgasmic.”
* * * *
Sam was standing next to an old refrigerator box. Castiel and the Unicorn were glaring at each other once again, and Dean was making a bee-line for the cornbread. Sam didn’t know how his brother could eat the unicorn food. It just seemed unwise.
“Oh hey!” said Dean though mouthfuls of cornbread. “We finally found some more Doritos Special Edition Late Night Last Call Jalapeño Popper chips! We can try the trap again tomorrow, I think.” He grinned.
“I’m happy for you Deaners,” said the Unicorn seriously.
“You have no right to carry an angel through time,” growled Castiel. “Nothing can atone for this. You have crossed a line that cannot be uncrossed.”
“Would you like to try my cornbread?”
“No.” Sam felt Castiel’s voice more than heard it, it was so impossibly low.
“Dude!” Dean grinned. “This cornbread is orgasmic! It’s almost as good as Amish Friendship Bread. You have to get me the recipe.”
TBC in The Unicorn Who Crashed The Garrison's Pool Party
Fandom: Supernatural
Rating/Warnings: R (lang.), spoilers through end of season 4
Characters: Sam, Dean, Castiel, a Unicorn
Word Count: 1,620
Disclaimer: I disclaim it!
Summary: Part Six in the Unicorn Verse collaboration between myself and maskedfangirl. The Unicorn shows up again and unfortunately for Sam nothing is on TV, so the Unicorn takes it upon himself to entertain him, and maybe heal his psyche a little bit while he's at it.
[1: The Unicorn Who Used Up Dean's Shampoo]
[ 2: The Unicorn Who Apologized For Stealing Hot Pockets]
[ 3: The Unicorn Who Made Sam Feel Deeply Uncomfortable]
[ 4: The Unicorn Who Interrupted An Angel Of The Lord]
[ 5: The Unicorn Who Ruined a Patented Winchester Heart-to-Heart]
Sam was flipping channels in the Winchester’s latest motel room, but he only found static to fill the silence of the empty space. The large refrigerator box his brother and Castiel had procured in order to catch Lucifer sat awkwardly between the two double beds, and now the scheming pair was out continuing their quest for “more devil chips.” Apparently Doritos Special Edition Late Night Last Call Jalapeño Popper chips were uncannily difficult to find in your typical small town market or gas station. Sam suspected Dean and Castiel were three towns over by now, raiding the nearest Wal-Mart.
“Deeeeeaaaaaaannnnnnnnerrrrssssss!” shrilled an unnervingly familiar voice from the other side of the refrigerator box. Sam leaned over to look around the cardboard, because his eyes insisted on confirming that yes, it was the Unicorn.
“Dean isn’t here,” Sam said flatly.
“But I brought him apology cornbread!” the Unicorn protested. “Also, I had vague hopes it could double as a peace offering for that angel douchenozzle. It’s my own recipe too. Not like the cinnamon rolls, which I just found a recipe for online. Oh no, this one has been perfected over several unicorn generations and finally passed down to me. Then I tweaked it a bit to make them absolutely perfect.”
“When exactly did you do this? I thought you lived in meadows.”
“I’m a unicorn you yak fucker. Now try my cornbread, it is orgasmic.”
“No thanks,” said Sam. He wasn’t exactly hungry at the moment and anyway, he wasn’t sure he would ever trust unicorn food.
“No? It will give you such a boner, it is so good. I’m serious.”
“Um, I think I’m good,” said Sam, allowing his face to smack into his palms.
The Unicorn set the parcel of cornbread on the table and edged around the bed to look Sam in the eye. “Watcha doin’?” he queried.
Sam clicked off the static-filled TV set and shrugged. “I was going to watch TV, but there’s nothing on.”
“Did you try ordering? You have to order if you want porn,” the Unicorn said knowingly.
“Dude, I don’t want to watch porn!”
“What are you a child?”
“No.”
“Because you’re sitting in a room with a giant box and watching static, which is not porn, on TV. All signs point to you being a child.”
“I am not a child,” Sam practically growled, and he scowled threateningly at the Unicorn.
The Unicorn just shook his head flinging glitter around, and gave what Sam guessed was supposed to be a sympathetic look, but in fact was a you’re-an-idiot look. “I understand Sam,” said the unicorn, slouching down to rest his haunches on Dean’s bed. “I had a shitty childhood too. My dad left us and I guess I always blamed myself.”
“You think I blame myself for what happened to my family?”
“Well… I don’t want to call you Mr. Demon Blood, but-“
Sam’s jaw clenched. “That was Azazel’s fault.”
“Hey, hey, so maybe it was. Point is-“
* * * *
Sam was standing in the tall grass at the edge of the woods near Bobby’s property. It was a sunny day with a light breeze tickling his hair against his face. Sam could not imagine a more serene place in the world. Then the giggling of children reached his ears. He looked up to see himself, only about seven-years-old, running through the tall grass nearly as tall as he was, Dean following behind him waving a large branch over young Sam’s head.
“Dean! Sam!” their father’s gruff voice called from Bobby’s car lot. “Let’s go; we’re behind schedule already.”
Sam watched his younger counterpart slump and turn to look at his brother, who dropped the branch obediently and gave a sad smirk as he turned to rush back toward their father and the Impala. Young Sam trudged along slowly behind him.
“What a pile of crap!” said the Unicorn from behind the much taller version of Sam who tried to hide the fact that he was startled enough to jump. “Don’t tell me you weren’t disappointed by your childhood after watching sad moments like that! What were you about to go do, Sam? Go do that now. I’m giving you the chance.”
“What, are you my own personal therapist unicorn now?”
“I wouldn’t go that far, Poo-burns. But I had an opening in my schedule.” The Unicorn’s eyes glinted in the sunlight, and Sam could swear he saw hearts and stars shining in his unicorn irises.
“I… I don’t remember what I was going to do. And in any case, I’m not seven-years-old anymore, Unicorn. I doubt it would hold the same appeal.”
“This is why you are always such a donkey fondler. You have none of your childhood spontaneity and joy.”
“I hardly had any of that as a child,” Sam admitted.
“You see,” the Unicorn whispered. “That’s the problem.”
* * * *
It was nighttime again, but Sam wasn’t back in his motel room. In fact, he appeared to be at the mercy of several very oversized stuffed animals. They glared at his chest with shiny, plastic eyes. Sam fumbled for a way to phrase his befuddlement.
“I’ve decided that reclaiming your inhumanly fucked up childhood is no way to heal,” explained the unicorn. “So I brought you here. It’s a toy store! C’mon, let’s play!” The Unicorn swished its tail in excitement, littering the floor with butterscotch candies packets of Fun Dip.
Sam frowned. “Where the hell are we?”
“F.A.O. Schwarz,” the unicorn deadpanned like it was obvious. “Funnily, we are still in 1990, on account of me only having so much energy for time travel, but that’s no matter. Look! A train set.”
Sam watched as the Unicorn gleefully pushed a painted wooden train along its track with a shimmering hoof.
“Dude, what the… Dude!” Dean’s voice enthused from behind a shelf full of princess dolls.
The Unicorn stopped playing with the train abruptly. “Was that Dean?”
“Yeah. You didn’t bring him here?”
“No,” the Unicorn huffed glitter.
“Then who did?” Sam wondered.
“Unicorn!” Castiel glared a glare so deep that his eyebrows nearly usurped his glimmering, blue eyes.
“Angel!” the Unicorn bellowed. “Can’t you see I’m in the middle of something here, you ass breathed mother of all pussies!”
“YOUR MOM!” Castiel shouted.
“Cas, I’ve been meaning to tell you,” started Dean. “Your mom jokes don’t really work the way you are telling them.”
“I am telling a joke?” Castiel tilted his head and gave Dean an inquisitive look. “I thought I was exchanging insults with this horned abomination.”
The Unicorn crossed his eyes giving his own horn a fond look. “I buffed it this morning, can you tell?”
Castiel glowered at the Unicorn some more. “What are you doing here with Sam Winchester?”
“We are reclaiming his childhood! Or, at least some rich kid’s childhood. C’mon Sam, pick out any toy in the store that you want! The store is closed and I can time travel, so we can just steal it!”
“The stealing bit actually sounds exactly like our childhood,” said Dean.
Castiel pouted before narrowing his eyes at the Unicorn once more. “I’m the Winchester’s personal time travel guide, NOT YOU! Unicorn!”
“Pffft, guess I’ve already proved you wrong. OH! Sammy! Let’s go play on the giant piano keys like we’re in a Tom Hanks film!”
Sam looked at Dean. He really didn’t know what was going on here. Should he listen to the unicorn? That guy was kind of a dick, but he did bring them corn bread, and he clearly was trying his best.
“COCK MUNCHER! GET YOUR GIGANTIC ASS OVER HERE!” the Unicorn shouted at Sam. A Ring Pop hit Castiel in the face as the Unicorn swished his tail impatiently.
“Seriously, Unicorn. Your mom,” said Castiel, utterly straight faced.
“My mom is going to be fucking proud of me for all this kindhearted, helping out ignorant buttlickers business that I’m attending too.”
“You just came to steal my Hot Pockets again,” Dean accused. “And you’d better keep your damned hooves offa my Bagel Bites!”
“I BROUGHT YOU CORN BREAD!” said the Unicorn indignantly. “As apology food, and I was kind of hoping to ease generations of animosity since you lot are all so eager to hang out with this dickwad. I mean, really. I don’t get it. Just look at his stupid hair.”
“What’s wrong with Cas’ hair?” asked Dean.
The Unicorn glared at him, his coat sparkling in a silent rage that went back millennia.
“Can we please all just go back to 2009, forget all this ridiculousness and go to bed?” asked Sam.
“Not until you all try my corn bread,” said the Unicorn looking at Castiel. “It’s fucking orgasmic.”
* * * *
Sam was standing next to an old refrigerator box. Castiel and the Unicorn were glaring at each other once again, and Dean was making a bee-line for the cornbread. Sam didn’t know how his brother could eat the unicorn food. It just seemed unwise.
“Oh hey!” said Dean though mouthfuls of cornbread. “We finally found some more Doritos Special Edition Late Night Last Call Jalapeño Popper chips! We can try the trap again tomorrow, I think.” He grinned.
“I’m happy for you Deaners,” said the Unicorn seriously.
“You have no right to carry an angel through time,” growled Castiel. “Nothing can atone for this. You have crossed a line that cannot be uncrossed.”
“Would you like to try my cornbread?”
“No.” Sam felt Castiel’s voice more than heard it, it was so impossibly low.
“Dude!” Dean grinned. “This cornbread is orgasmic! It’s almost as good as Amish Friendship Bread. You have to get me the recipe.”
TBC in The Unicorn Who Crashed The Garrison's Pool Party