i don't have anything to say any more.

oh yea, and i have an apointment for a portfolio review at tyler. 
weeeeeeeeeeeeeee college

and you get sick of the moods, of the times when it becomes apparent of how fucking human you are. you cry, you pace, you drink coffee and smoke too much and drive too fast and talk too loudly. and then you wonder how obvious it is. whether anyone can even tell, and how some people can tell so well. 
i'm pretty sure he'd be the first person to hate ( Read more... )

i need to take some intiative. i need more friends. or, even, just one more. or to better the relationship with a few of the ones i have.  relying on one makes it all the easier to feed my anti-narcissism and all the easier to be forgotten. 
yea i know, no i really know, and that's what i say, that it's no big deal, because it's not, it's fucking ( Read more... )

columbia yesterday-SO GOOD.mmmmmmtimes square musty dusty halls and bathroom's peeling paint. fucking real,y'know. made me hate kids like me, who want so bad to be anywhere near good, that striving, that eager confidence. fuck you graey shirt. yea, you were good, but sit the fuck down, have some modesty. never mind. fuck me for being too insecure ( Read more... )

megan's mom has cancer.
leukemia. her dad's an abusive drunk and if her mother dies then she has to live with him and her two younger siblings.
she cried last night, at my last band competition, last one ever, she cried on my shoulder and left wet spots where her eyes had been on my uniform. and for the 2nd time ever, i cried in public.
the ( Read more... )

it's been forever, folks. summer ennded and fall's in full swing. i'm a senior. i'm feeling lower than i have in awhile. i feel fucking awful, all the time actually. the only thing that gets me out of bed sometimes is the promise of seeing what's left of my friends ( Read more... )

ahhh. went back and reread my old xanga. ahahahahahaha i was suchaloser.OM-GEEEEE!!!11!!

sixth grade was when i started phucking with pharmateuticals. a brisk fall morning and a bellyful of Benadryls, i went to go watch my siblings soccer game and all i remember is swirls of color. the grass melted and blended with the sky, the trees, my sister's soccer jersey and i ended up collasping dizzy behind a row of empty bleachers, a stupid ( Read more... )

recently realized that my self-esteem isn't half as high as i thought it was, meaning:
i like myself, but i doubt that other people could. or do. obsessobsessobsess. grow up and get out.

two days ago tony dropped me off at my house earlier than i could have shown up so i went awalkin' and ran into him again. went walking again, it was raining and i ( Read more... )