One Piece: Bound For Glory - Chapter 9 Part 3:
She had skull earings and an eyebrow piercing,
Brian: *Expression slowly changes to one of horror and defeat* I don’t know. I don’t know anything. I just… *Slumps over and buries face in hands*
William: Skull…piercing…WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOING FOR? All this time, you’ve been portraying her as a cute, lithe, little furry, where the FUCK did the skulls and body piercing come from? Someone who would get skull accessories and body piercing will never, EVER wear millions of rings and detachable sleeves. WHAT THE- *Slams head against table* I don’t even know what to say, this is just so stupid. How the hell can you put this into words?
The Voice: I dunno, I’m just waiting for her to get in a fight. Earrings and piercing are always delicious targets in fights.
and what threw David off the most was the weird combination of high heeled knight boots.
Brian: HAVE YOU BEEN READING? GO UP THERE AND READ THE GODDAMNED THING AGAIN. THAT’S THE WERIDEST THING? THAT WAS WHAT SURPRISED YOU? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR AUTHOR? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD?
William: I don’t care. Move on. I just…please, let’s just get this over and done with. I don’t think I can stand to stare at this section any longer.
YOU SEXIST BASTARD: 2 (For having a female character dress in a deliberately fetish-y way, despite no reason to do so, for the benefit of the male protagonist.)
"Ummm...that was a long description.." David commented.
Brian: *Takes deep breathe* WHAT THE-
The Voice: Ahem. I’m sorry for interrupting, but I think someone else will do this job much better than you.
Mantra: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!? THAT IS MY GIMMICK! YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO STEAL MY GIMMICK! YOU CANNOT JUST MAGICALLY MAKE A CHARACTER BREAK THE FOURTH WALL! HE HAS NEVER SHOWN AN ABILITY TO SEE PAST IT BEFORE! YOU CANNOT JUST RANDOMLY GIVE HIM THAT AS A THROWAWAY GAG! THERE ARE FAR TOO MANY IMPLICATIONS OF BEING AWARE OF THEIR FICTIONAL IDENTITY! YOU ARE DESECRATING A BELOVED TROPE! THERE ARE MANY FANTASTIC CHARACTERS WHO CAN BREAK THE FOURTH WALL LIKE THE JOKER AND DEADPOOL, AND EVEN MORE WHO ARE AWARE OF IT AND PAINTS IT OR LEANS ON IT IN SOME WAY! AND YOUR CHARACTER DOESN’T MEASURE UP TO ONE MILLIONTH OF THEIR GREATNESS! FOURTH WALL JOKES ARE A RISKY BUSINESS, AND YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED TO MAKE THEM! DO NOT! JUST, DO NOT! I DON’T CARE WHAT MY ORDERS ARE, I WILL KILL YOU AND YOUR LITTLE DOG IF YOU DO THIS!
The Voice: What angers me the most is that the Stuthor realises how long the description is and how it bogs down the story, he simply doesn’t care. He knows that his writing is horrible, and he doesn’t give a fuck. Never has it been clearer that he is not writing for an audience, he doesn’t want to entertain anyone or deliver any sort of message. This fic has absolutely no purpose other than enabling self-masturbation, and in his opinion, that’s perfectly okay.
Brian: *Staring, agape, at the woman who has just materialised in the room* WHAT? What is going on?
Mantra: *Stares resolutely ahead, burning with fury, claws and fangs out, and bits of her hair apparently on fire*
(I know! I'm out of breath!
Mantra: DO NOT! WHAT THE FUCK DID I TELL YOU? IT’S ONE OF THE MOST BASIC RULES OF NARRATIVE TO NEVER, EVER INSERT AN AUTHOR’S NOTE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STORY. IT KILLS IMMERSION AND IS INCREDIBLY AMATEUR. AND DOING SO FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON OTHER THAN ENABLING A FRANKLY HORRIBLE FOURTH WALL JOKE IS EVEN WORSE! IT WAS BAD ENOUGH THE FIRST TIME AROUND, YOU REALLY DON’T HAVE TO DRAG OUT THE MOMENT! FOURTH WALL JOKES GET OLD, EVEN THE FIRST TIME YOU USE IT, BECAUSE IT’S SUCH A WIDESPREAD TROPE! IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO PUT A NEW SPIN ON IT, JUST DON’T DO IT! IT TAKES FAR MORE SKILL TO BE META THAN JUST INSERTING A FEW COMMENTS IN YOUR NARRATIVE! AND IT PARTICULARLY DOESN’T WORK IF YOU HAVE TO SCREW WITH CHARACTERISATION TO DO IT! YOUR CHARACTERS CAN’T BREAK THE FOURTH WALL, BECAUSE THEY’VE NEVER BEEN SHOWN TO HAVE THE ABILITY TO BREAK THE FOURTH WALL. HE DOESN’T HAVE SUPERPOWERS, HE’S NOT INSANE, HE’S NOT ALIEN, HE DIDN’T ASSOCIATE WITH EXTRA-DIMENSIONAL BEINGS. THIS JOKE DOESN’T WORK. IT HAS NEVER WORKED. DO NOT KEEP HARPING ON IT, YOU’RE ONLY HURTING YOURSELF. *Even more of her hair starts burning now, as her eyes start glowing*
Either way let's say thanks to Kitsune Mezurashii for this character!)
Mantra: *Literally swells with rage* KITSUNE? GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING KITSUNE? NO! NONONONONONONO! NO! YOU ARE NOT DESECRATING THE NAME OF MY FUCKING SPECIES. YOU ARE FUCKING NOT! WE’VE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH SHIT AS IT IS! DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE BRING ME AND MY KIND INTO THIS STORY, YOU FILTHY LITTLE MEATBAG. MILLENIA AGO, WHEN YOUR ANCESTORS WERE STILL UNFERTILISED EGG AND SPERM, I HAD ENOUGH POWER TO MAKE YOU BEG FOR DEATH. WHAT MAKES YOU DISGUSTING PINK MAGGOT THINK YOU CAN START THROWING OUR NAME AROUND IN THIS FILTHY S-
*She suddenly zaps away, leaving a trail of fire behind. The space where she was stand warps a little, and seems to blur around the edges, when, suddenly, another woman pops in*
Caroline: He actually fucking used it? He actually fucking used a character his readers provided him? YOU ARE A FUCKING AUTHOR! YOU ARE A GODDAMNED AUTHOR, AND IT’S YOUR GODDAMNED JOB TO TELL A STORY, WITH YOUR OWN FUCKING CHARACTERS. IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE TO MAKE UP CHARACTERS, THEN YOU CAN USE THE CANON ONES. IT IS NOT THE JOB OF YOUR AUDIENCE TO PROMPT YOU WITH CHARACTERS! IT’S YOUR FUCKING JOB! AND IF YOU DECIDED TO MAKE THIS PUBLIC SO ANYONE CAN READ IT, THEN YOU’D BETTER DO YOUR FUCKING JOB, BECAUSE YOU’VE SIGNED UP FOR THE CAUSE. THIS IS YOUR FUCKING STORY, AND IT SHOULD BE TOLD WITH YOUR FUCKING CHARACT-
*She zaps away rather suddenly too, and all seems to return to normal*
William: *Stares at place the two women used to be* …What the hell was that?
*A pause*
The Voice: *Strangely raspy* I’m sorry for that interruption, I have no idea how she got in here. I brought in Mantra because I thought she might offer some interesting views as a being who can see past the fourth wall herself, but I clearly underestimated her rage. I’m lucky to get her out in time…But that’s not the point, let’s get on with the sporking.
William: *Frowns and looks down*
"Yeah Kitsune!" David smiled.
Mantra: NO, FUCK YOU! DON’T FUCKING TALK TO ME, YOU HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHT, YOU SHITTY LITTLE-
*She zaps away again, but remained long enough for William to notice the curious way her muscles shifted as she ranted, almost as though there was something underneath trying to get out*
Brian: …Okay. Can I talk now?
The Voice: *Quietly* Yes, please.
Brian: This passage, yet again, confirms the theory that every single person in this fic is a self-insert. The character created by a person named Kitsune is actually a Kitsune? Who didn’t see that coming? This is about as blatantly Mary Sue as it possibly gets, and yet the Stuthor still put the character into his story. He is not capable of distinguishing a Mary Sue even when she is THIS blatant, which kind of makes sense, given that he’s a Stuthor, but it tells you how much thought he is putting into writing these characters.
William: I have no idea why anyone would sign themselves up for this kind of shit when they’ve seen how this Stuthor treats his female characters…WAIT. Wait a moment. The character is a fox…and David mistook her tail for that of a COW’S. He thought it belonged to a cat, dog, or monkey before. He mistook a FOX tail for a COW tail. I…MY GOD, the stupidity.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 16 (For the description, the horrible fourth wall joke, and this realisation.)
"Who are you talking to? You some schizophrenic or something?"
Brian: Please, I’m begging you, can we PLEASE just move on? Dragging a joke out does not make it funnier. Harping on a point that has enraged your readers does not magically placate them. You are already far beyond redemption, so can you please stop trying?
William: The more you do this, the more people you insult. Linking your mass-murdering, sociopathic, sexist, BRAINDEAD protagonist with schizophrenia will piss off every single person with even a hint of a mental illness. Just…move on and get this story finished. That’s the least you could do.
"What's that? That's a big word." David replied as he held his head from the thinking.
Brian: …
William: I…
Brian: Hold me?
William: *Awkwardly curls his arm around Brian’s shoulders*
The Voice: You know what? This is ridiculous. Here.
*Two tablets, laid out neatly on a piece of napkin appears on the table*
The Voice: Bleeprin, I think this situation warrants some.
William: *Takes a tablet and carefully studies it in the low light* Did you really think we would take unknown, unpackaged medicine from a complete stranger?
The Voice: What if I told you it would take the pain away?
Brian: *Swallows a tablet without water*
William: Wait, n-…Oh god, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? This could be anything!
Brian: *Slowly blinks and shakes his head* …Well, whatever it was, it certainly did dull the pain a little.
William: *Purses his lips* I’ll never figure out how you managed to survive nearly three decades with such a trusting personality.
Brian: I’ll never figure out how you can survive a week doubting every person you come across.
William: *Scowls and turns away*
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 18
"Shut up! Why'd you grab my tail?"
Brian: *Sighs with relief and sinks back into the couch* Thank god we’re back on topic.
William: You’d think she would’ve figure it out by now, the way he was shouting ‘FOOD’ as he grabbed her.
Brian: They say the only type of character an author can’t write is one more intelligent than himself.
"Dinner?"
Brian: …He just told her. He just fucking told her he was trying to EAT her. He…I would say he was being an asshole on purpose here, except it doesn’t feel like that. It feels like he genuinely doesn’t know why eating people is bad. He genuinely believes that he has the right to eat anything he wants, because he’s hungry and hunger is uncomfortable. He honestly thinks that people exist in this world solely to please him and obey his whims. And the scariest thing is that it’s true.
William: …I always figured this took place in the morning, or some reason. I guess that just shows how great this Stuthor is as passing time, given that I still have no idea where we are in the timeline in relation to the other events, and, I do believe, this is the first time reference we’ve had yet since the first chapter. How charming.
SOCIOPATHY: 8
"What?"
Brian: Well, my reaction to someone trying to eat me would be a tad more hysterical and possibly angry, but…whatever floats your boat, I guess.
"I was hoping you'd be something I can eat, but you aren't so...bye!" David got up and ran.
William: I…just…how can ANYONE read this passage and think of this guy as a fucking HERO? He sneaked up on what he thought was someone else’s property and tried to eat it for absolutely no reason, and when he found out that his dinner was sentient, he didn’t hesitate at all in TELLING her that he wanted to eat her. And how he’s RUNNING AWAY?
Luffy did something horribly wrong, too, in the early parts of the story. He accidentally bombed the restaurant Sanji worked at. He was in a pirate boat at the time, and is more than capable of running the fuck away. But you know what he did? He sailed up to the freaking restaurant and apologised SINCERELY and offered to make amends. In fact, he more or less accept it when the owner made him work there for an undetermined amount of time, despite the fact that it would interfere with his fucking DREAM, because he was in the wrong and he knew it. He didn’t try to wriggle out of it, he didn’t try to deny his responsibility. He sucked it up and did it, because he knew his irresponsibility hurt someone badly.
What the FUCK are you doing here? Not only are you running away because you potentially got into trouble, you could not be fucking bothered to fucking APOLOGISE on your way out. And you didn’t spare a single thought for whoever owned the store you crashed through.
Worse than that, all the meaning to attached to another human being was if they were edible or not. Let me ask, if that girl turned out to be something you can eat, are you going to eat her? If she turned out to be something like a talking cow, are you going to eat her despite clear displays of sentience? You never thought about her feelings, you never thought about her fucking IDENTITY, she was food or not-food to you, and as soon as she proved inedible, you fucking went away. If that’s how much importance you attached to her as a person, why the fuck should we accept her as a part of your crew?
Brian: Well, mostly because he doesn’t give a fuck about his crew anyways. They’re more or less disposable to him.
"Get back here!" The girl ran after David.
Brian: Lady, THAT GUY JUST TRIED TO EAT YOU. I would be running the other way. I mean, revenge is all good and well, but when he’s shown that amount of disregard for human life, the safest option really is to get the fuck away. He’s not going to care if he kills you, but you are going to care if you’re killed.
"I don't wanna!" David called,
William: THIS IS ABOUT YOU! NONE OF THIS IS ABOUT YOU! YOUR WANTS AND NEEDS DON’T MATTER NOW! YOU’VE DONE SOMETHING WRONG AND YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR IT! THAT’S THE WAY IT FUCKING WORKS! WHETHER YOU WANT IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING! THE GIRL WAS THE ONE HURT, AND SHE HAS THE RIGHT TO DEMAND RETRIBUTION! WHAT YOU WANT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER! THIS IS FUCKING LIFE! YOU DON’T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT, AND SOMETIMES, YOU HAVE TO SWALLOW SOMETHING YOU DEFINITELY DO NOT WANT! THAT IS THE WAY IT FUCKING WORKS! JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T’ WANT SOMETHING, DOESN’T MEAN YOU WILL BE SPARED IT! IF NOT WANTING IT IS THE ONLY EXCUSE YOU CAN FIND TO NOT GET IT, THEN YOU FUCKING DESERVE IT!
Brian: HOW CAN ANYONE BE SO SELF-CENTRED? It doesn’t even occur to him that something he doesn’t want to happen will happen anyways, because life isn’t fair. In his mind, as soon as he has declared that he doesn’t want something, then reality itself will warp so that he doesn’t have to. How the hell is this Stuthor brought up? How old is he? How the hell can anyone walk through life believing that what they want is the most important thing in the universe?
SOCIOPATHY: 9
then suddenly he fell to the floor.
The Voice: A silver Spork buried in his chest.
William: I don’t care how non-sensical it is, or how many plot holes it creates, I do not mind at all if the story just ended this way. Not one bit.
Brian: Uh…just a minor pick…isn’t floor used to describe, like, wooden floors, things that are manmade? Or at least something inside a manmade structure? If he’s just running through town, then shouldn’t he be falling to the GROUND?
THESAURUS RAPE: 6
"Huh?" The girl looked at his fallen body and picked him up,
Brian: *Eyes light up* Fallen? He’s dead, isn’t he? Right? YES!
William: *Drily* This thing has over fifty chapter. I wouldn’t start celebrating so soon. And really, she picked him up? That skinny little nineteen year old easily picked your protagonist up? He must be seriously lightweight himself.
"Hey you okay? Are you dead?" The girl began to shake up.
William: Shake WHAT? What the hell are you trying to say? Is she shaking herself? Why? Is she shaking him? Is there a fucking earthquake? What the hell is going on?
Brian: Why do you care? He’s dead. Here, let’s celebrate. *Rummages through the bottles on the table* Are there any alcohol?
The Voice: No. It’s a safety precaution, preventing sporkers from becoming too inebriated to perform their duty. Or trying to commit suicide through alcohol poisoning.
"You idiot how can you die just like that? You ran like five feet!"
The Voice: No, no, no, it’s not the run that killed him. That would be preposterous, he’s ran longer distances than that before. Didn’t you notice the Spork? From my experience, most Sues and Stus seem to instinctively feel those things around, because it’s the only thing that can bloody kill them.
Brian: I understand her shock and all that someone just randomly died…but why is she so distraught? She’s shaking him and blubbering and acting like her bloody childhood friend died. Why does she care so much? I mean, is this how most people react to complete strangers collapsing on the street? Maybe I’m just cynical, but…it just feels like the Stuthor’s being melodramatic because of course the whole world would be devastated by the loss of just a brilliant soul as the Stu.
The girl shook him violently.
Brian: …Yeah, that’s going to help. Even if he’s not dead, how the hell is SHAKING him going to do anything? In fact, if he was falling unconscious because of an internal injury from his fight before, than shaking him will actually make it worse. Come on, you live in the One Piece universe! You’ve certainly been attacked by pirates before! How the hell do you not know such a basic rule of first aid?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 19
"Leave me alone!" David cried.
Brian: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, THAT LITTLE-
William: I told you not to start celebrating prematurely. And I see that the self-centredness is intact as ever, despite that little episode. She was clearly concerned about him, despite what he had done to her, and was worried, but that thought does not even occur to him. Despite her displaying that she is actually a good person and does not want to truly hurt him, all he can see is that she is being annoying by pestering him. Everything is about him. He doesn’t care what she’s thinking, what she wants, he doesn’t give a single shit about her. All he cares about is whether he’s comfortable at the moment, and if it takes mass-murder to make him comfortable, then so be it.
SOCIOPATHY: 10
"Huh?" David then knocked out again,
Brian: Who said that ‘huh’? Did he get knocked out by someone? Did he knock her out? Was there a mysterious character named ‘again’, who randomly appeared and is randomly knocked out by David? What the fuck is going on? And if he did, indeed, fall unconscious again, then he ISN’T knocked out. No one attacked him, he wasn’t injured, no KNOCKING took place. He just plain fell unconscious for absolutely no reason.
"Youre just asleep! You idiot!" The girl began to shake him again.
William: WHAT.
No. No, it does not fucking work like that.
You cannot just take random quirks from canon characters and cram them into your character, it does fucking work like that.
Ace had a trait of randomly falling asleep, but he had it under very specific circumstances.
First of all, the trait was introduced literally in the very first panel we see him in. It’s established as a part of his character straight away. David has NEVER shown a propensity to narcolepsy in all ten chapters so far, almost a fifth of your entire fic. He has already defeated the Shark King, the first arc of this story is finished. You cannot randomly introduce character traits now, it’s far too LATE, especially one that would be as noticeable as this.
Secondly, the sleep problem was the one and ONLY comical trait Ace had. If you take that away, he is still a very rounded and deep character. David has about a million traits, all of them taken from canon characters, none of them making sense together, and if you take the traits away, he is nothing. He is literally a hanger for the Stuthor to attach all kinds of unrelated trinkets to. He has no worth outside of plagiarising from canon characters. The Stuthor focuses more on quirks than actual characterisation, so the quirks end up not funny at all. Ace falling asleep randomly is funny because he is such a responsible character and has such a high position in Whitebeard’s fleet that this level of…unguardedness is unexpected, and thus comical. David is NOTHING. He literally has no identity, no personality, no PURPOSE outside of acting as a host for a variety of quirks.
Thirdly, the trait in Ace it played strictly for comedy. It does not surface in important moments, such as in the middle of his fight with Blackbeard. This, however, is very much a serious moment. David has seriously insulted a complete stranger, trashed another complete stranger’s store, possibly his only livelihood, and is now running away from his responsibility like the coward he is. This is NOT a funny situation. NOT AT ALL. And even in-universe, this is supposed to be a pretty big moment where he gains another ally. Comedy has no place here, and this is very much NOT the right moment to introduce another inconsequential quirk.
Fourthly, the quirk is sustained in Ace. We see it when we meet him, we keep seeing it later. It is a part of his characterisation and it remains consistent. David, however, pulls the trait out of nowhere with absolutely no foreshadowing, and it is never mentioned again.
In conclusion, the quirk tells us nothing about David, it is introduced at a very inopportune moment, and it’s basically just your average BLAM. And what makes it so infuriating is that this quirk was played in a canon character to very interesting effect. To see a trope that was played so brilliantly sullied like this is painful like you cannot imagine.
Brian: Okay, I know he’s just stealing the trait from Ace…but I wonder. What if he’s not asleep? What if he’s unconscious because of some injury from the Shark King? What if he’s falling unconscious due to hunger, seeing as we have had absolutely no mention of him consuming any food so far in the story? The point is, who the hell looks at someone who collapsed in the middle of a street and decide that they are just sleeping? Sure, he was protesting and appears to be somewhat conscious, but that still doesn’t negate the fact that he may very well have injuries or illnesses. The point is, she doesn’t know him. For all she knew, he could be on the verge of death right now. It makes absolutely no sense for her to assume that he’s sleeping. How did she arrive at that conclusion?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 20
"Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!"
William: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO REPEAT THE SAME PHRASE THREE TIMES CONSECUTIVELY! There are other ways to work this other than direct dialogue, chronicling every fucking work that comes out of her mouth! You could just say, ‘She shook David and loudly demanded that he wake up again.’ Or any variation of that!
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 8
"No!" David yelled before he went back to sleep.
Brian: Ah, so he is sleeping. FUCK YOU, STUTHOR, AND FUCK EVERYTHING THAT YOU HAVE EVER TYPED.
William: YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CHOICE. YOU CAN’T SLEEP JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO! THIS ISN’T ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT! YOU HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHT TO REFUSE! THIS IS THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET! YOU ARE OBSTRUCTING TRAFFIC AND CAUSING UNTOLD AMOUNTS OF INCONVENIENCE TO EVERY FUCKING PERSON IN TOWN! YOU HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHT! I DON’T CARE IF YOU HAVEN’T SLEPT SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THE FIC, FOR NOW, YOU WAKE UP IMMEDIATELY AND GO SOMEWHERE ELSE TO FUCKING SLEEP! OTHER PEOPLE EXIST IN THIS WORLD, AND THEIR LIVES DO NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU!
The Voice: The sad thing is, in this world, it kind of does. No one ever reprimands him for sleeping in the middle of the street, or starting a highly dangerous fight in it. The store owner whose store was trashed by him never says anything either. It’s convenient, you see, to simply make everyone in the world bow to the wishes of the Stu, as they should, of course.
"Ha!" The girl threw David
Brian: THREW? Seriously, how light is he? She’s a skinny little teenager! How the hell is she able to drag him off the ground, much less throw him any distance at all? If she wants to wake him up, why doesn’t she just slap him a few times? It’s a lot more energy-saving than chucking him bodily away!
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 7
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 1
William: And I see that she has still yet to consider the possibility that he is actually injured or ill. Nope, he’s sleeping because that’s what she decided and she is always right. And therefore, because he’s rude, it gives her the right to do anything she wants to him. Why is everyone in this universe a freaking sociopath?
The Voice: Many people have asked that question, and the answer is…Because that’s the mentality the Stuthor likes writing the best. That’s the mentality that he can relate to, and he finds easy to write. All of this comes naturally to him, and that is what comes out of his fingers when he isn’t thinking…Not that he ever thinks.
sending him crashing into a building, "How was that?"
Brian: Well, you may just have killed him, for one…not that I don’t appreciate that, the bastard had it coming…but, you know, it’s still murder.
William: Well, even murder of the Stu has different levels of acceptability to it. If Riru kills David, for example, I would be cheering for her. She’s been under his command for a while, and I bet she has a long list of grievances far more substantial than ‘he was rude to me’. She’s seen firsthand how sociopathic he is. This girl here, however, has not. As far as she knew, the worst he has done is be so hungry that he started hallucinating, and being rude to her. That is not grounds for murder. Sure, we can list dozens of reasons why he deserves to be Sporked with extreme prejudice, but she cannot. She has no motive for this murder, except short-temperedness and a willingness, or even eagerness, to cause damage. She tried to kill him not because he’s a sociopathic serial killer, but because he annoyed her, and that warrants the death penalty in her mind. In other words, this murder does not work because she’s no better than him.
The Voice: Well, if you’re wanting this Stuthor to create a character that’s ‘better’ than David, then you’re going to be waiting for a long time. Absolutely EVERYONE in this universe is an unrepentant sociopath, so I’m not worrying that much about whether she’s killing him for the right reasons.
SOCIOPATHY: 11
"What's your name?" David asked as he began playing with the girl's tail.
Brian: WHAT. He was thrown clear through a fucking building. And he was mostly unconscious on his way there, so there’s no way he could have protected himself. He went flying through two fucking concrete walls in a few minutes, there is no way he’s fine. And how the hell did he get back to her? You can’t just write these things and give us no explanation! David doesn’t have powers of illusion, has no super speed, and cannot teleport or regenerate! What the FUCK. He should not be able to do that, and no amount of bullshitting is going to convince me otherwise. This does not happen. This is just you conveniently writing him out of getting hurt because you are a WIMP and can’t bear the thought of being harmed by a GIRL.
William: And what the FUCK is he doing here? Throughout this whole encounter, the only wish he expressed was fucking running away! Why the fuck did he suddenly have a change of heart and is now trying to get closer to her? You cannot make a character do a complete 180 turn in his motives and just gloss it over like this! He was never interested in her, and I don’t fucking buy it now! It does not fucking work like that! Your readers are not just going to ASSUME, you have to show us why! And what is he doing playing with the girl’s tail? All of this resulted from him touching it! She’s obviously very sensitive about the issue! Why is he touching her like that? All he cared about was whether she could be eaten or not! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, STUTHOR? YOU CANNOT JUST WRITE ANYTHING THAT COMES TO MIND DOWN! IT ACTUALLY NEEDS TO MAKE FUCKING SENSE!
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 4
YOU SEXIST BASTARD: 3 (For sexual harassment played for laughs.)
Go Forward to: Chapter 9, Part 4
Go back to: Chapter 9, Part 2