I'm so scared. Part of me wants to die so badly, and part of me is just terrified at the thought. I don't know what to do. Part of me is trying to do my homework, and it is having to fight back tears just to be able to see. Why am I falling to pieces-- what the hell is wrong with me. Why does it have to be this way. Part of me tried to push John ( Read more... )

I have been trying to cry for days and days. I have needed it so badly. And now that I am, I would rather go back to feeling hollow and shocked and empty. I don't want to cry these tears. I don't even want to be alive. Fuck you universe.

So I had written all this really important stuff about how I am feeling, and then I fucking closed the window. And it isn't even worth it to try to tell you, or anyone, how I am feeling. So if you ask, i'll just say fine. And you can take it or leave it, call my bluff or not. It's up to you, but from now on I am just fine. I couldn't even tell ( Read more... )

I have done as much as I can for everyone today, including myself. I'm pretty much done-- If my efforts have not been good enought, then fine. It's all i've got. I helped Meg to feel better yesterday, and today I think I did a good job in being there when John needed me to be. As for You, shel, I'm trying. Really really hard. I love you and I miss ( Read more... )

Clearly my intent in this journal is to make others feel bad. I am so fucking small and so incredibly miserable, bitter, and selfish, that I have an incurable need to make other people feel bad. Right, that's what I am trying to do here. Clearly, this journal is NOT a space for me to deal with my own problems, and perhaps try to prevent my self ( Read more... )

Wow, Six comments on the last entry. I feel loved. You people Kick ass.My room is finally almost nearly organized. Well, what meets the eye anyway. I have mega papers to organize, but, ah, that's not gonna happen. I have bigger fish to fry... like, am I going to stay in Calculus... Other classes are going well, I think. I finally got the Sociology ( Read more... )

In Switlik tonight it is alcohol and noise violations. In Hill it is massive emotional upheavals. And in my life, it is the unending increase of the suspicion that I am a failure. More specifically, a failure at love. Shel and Bren were together almost as long as Nick and I-- we both started dating at about the same time, and we had both broken up ( Read more... )

I lose at life. It's that simple. I am in the way. I am unwanted. And I just lose at life. Megan is upset, and everyone flocks to her. John is upset and everyone, well, almost everyone caters to him. And Instead of just going on like this all night, I actually asked for help. And that's really big. It's sad that that is so big. But there you have ( Read more... )

In response to what happened to Miss. D.S. Gray today ( Read more... )

Right, so. Bought a book of short stories in spanish yesterday, and the new issue of AD, and huge coffee, and the new Myst game, Uru. So. And I finished the watercolor I had started when Meg was here, plus did two others. And I completed the preliminary sketches for "Security." And had some other new and fabulous ideas. AND I read more of TCPATW, ( Read more... )