I feel so so so fat, it's disgusting.

I haven't  even eaten any solid food today-- just lots of water and a couple of these sugar-free-hard-candy thingies. Oh, I am so gross.  I feel so freaking desperate.  Like I am at the end of my rope and I am so distraught that I crave violence, pain, hurt.  I don't know, this doesn't even make sense.

( Read more... )

This is a diet that I found through one of the girls who posts in bodyperfect, and I thought I'd stick it here for future use.  Right now, I am just focusing on 'letting' myself not eat and once I am comfortable there again, I think I'll be able to start being really strict about how many calories or eat or not eat.  Right now, I just feel ( Read more... )

 So last night, I did both an awful (and now maybe not so awful?) a thing.

I was in Target with a specific list of stuff: body wash, sponges, that kind of thing.  And somehow, I ended up buying crap.  I am so horrified to even write this, even in a place where no one will probably read, and to put words to what I did to myself last night.  I bough a ( Read more... )

 I am such a freaking mess-- I just had an appointment with my nutritionist and she suggested that in the next few months, I may get to a place where in order to 'get better' I need to 'put my life on hold' and consider going to an outpatient clinic.

Why would she say that when I am so fat?  What good would that do anyway?  I know it's messed up but ( Read more... )

 July 27, 2009

Monday, July 27th-fast color:#303030">

300- starbucks vanilla chai frapcolor:#303030">

130-english muffincolor:#303030">

130- “         “color:#303030">

60- honeycolor:#303030">

60- “color:#303030">

190- peanut buttercolor:#303030">

85-    “      “color:#303030">

250- 3 pancakescolor:#303030">

100- light syrupcolor:#303030">

color:# ( Read more... )

I am so fat, so disgusting.

It feels like this will never change, that I will always be trapped.

I want to be thin again-- to sit on a horse in my show clothes and feel good there.  To feel good about pulling on a pair of jeans or about getting dressed up.

I have to be thin again.

I can't keep living like this.

Some thing has got to give.

I am so so ( Read more... )

It's kind of ironic...

I joined this community called bodyperfect, it just seemed like I needed the support-- you know, I am not the only one who is 'crazy' and constantly obsessed with counting calories and working out and fasting and desperately wanting, more than anything in the world, to be thin. I was just so tired of hiding it, of trying to ( Read more... )

 So I did two good things:

I stayed at work (NO FOOD!!!!) and looked for thinspo icons... and now headed straight to the gym.

I'll get home in time to shower and go to bed!  No eating for the rest of the day... just water.

Tomorrow I have lots of time to workout and I'm only eating 150 calories.  Maybe I won't eat at all.

I love my new icon, I can't ( Read more... )

 My meeting ran too late and I couldn't make it to yoga!!!!!!!!!!!  Now I don't know how I'm going to make myself GO!  I am so fat, it makes it hard to go anywhere.  I can barely walk around in public without feeling like I want to die.  I have to go I have to go I have to go.  Especially because I ate today!!!  Tomorrow is a 100 calorie day, thank ( Read more... )

 Okay, and not only am I fat, but I'm dumb.

I just need to not be here.

I need to shut up.

I need to be skinny.

I need to just dissolve, melt away.

Like a wisp of smoke... just to be blown away in the wind.
Or Like a feather... to just drift.

To be thin and lovely.  And small.  And quiet.

If only...