do you think i can change my idiot ways, journal? i am trying. i applied for the third time to be a floor manager at the children's museum. i marvel daily at the things i would do if i got the job. my husband and i could have a bed. i have been sleeping on a futon since i was 14, and jay does not even fit on it, not once for the year he has been ( Read more... )

on my anniversary i felt good. four of us ate sushi and admired the ambiance of jacky's. later we all agreed it was overpriced but oh wasn't that upholstery pretty! my husband and i shared a plate of three dragon sushi rolls and a bowl of alcohol. we also shared our life together, oh ho ho

looking for employment is harder now that i am not desperate ( Read more... )

WHY DO I ALWAYS SEEM SO SAD, LIVEJOURNAL?

it is not like life is so bad! i do not even have to work and i can still be sad while my own friends struggle to find jobs. i eat too much while others can't afford food. i watch everything with a judgemental eye while most of the world doesn't have that luxury. instead they are wondering how to make things ( Read more... )

i climbed to the almost top of a mountain. almost is always enough for me. i wondered at length about what kind of person i am. jay is most proud when he accomplishes something, like going to the real top. "i am proud" i said "of when people come to me for advice or support"
jay laughed "that sounds more like vanity"
and i felt my insides wrench. i ( Read more... )

sometimes i feel okay, i promise. i love my husband and i am happy today, i just can't think of ways to say it like i can say sad things. it is more that there is not a need to write-it-out-or-i'll-jump-off-a-bridge. it is more i-am-in-love-i-will-make-cookies.

the sleeve of my hoodie is torn, torn, torn. the gaping holes remind me of every missing thing in life. this one is patience, this one is kindness, this one is the mouse dying in a box in the bathroom. this one is each person without a home. part of my left sleeve will probably fall off soon. it won't be long enough to cover my hands, and we all ( Read more... )

is obsessing over what number i set the volume to on my television a health obsession? what don't i obsess about.

i haven't got much to say. doing nothing is not something i should keep doing or i will feel worse and worse about wasting my life on the couch, on the computer, in the bed

i'm not sure what i am doing wrong all of the time but i just feel bad. i want it to be christmas but i can only afford coal to give every one. every day i ask myself why i'm not trying hard enough to work more but i am just not happy thinking about working. i am also not happy thinking about anything

i feel like a terrible, horrible monster. my powers include sleeping 14 hours and waking up feeling sad about it. my tired, lazy spider fingers pulling sheets to my head, black eyes under closed eyelids and a mind telling me how fat and lazy i am. i am the worst monster in a story book because i do not attack people, i just don't do anything for ( Read more... )

i feel guilty all the time for every thing i do not do. i do not clean every day, i do not work, i do not play with my cats as much as i should ( Read more... )