since you died, Mother's Day is especially hard. Since I had always thought that I was a good mother, it was especially hard to know that I obviously wasn't. Why else would my 19 year old daughter kill herself? Mothers are suppose to protect their children and I failed miserably. The other day a woman was talking in line to me at the grocery store ( Read more... )

I went to Philadelphia on Sunday to see the Phillies play, don't know why, just something to do. I have been in a major depression lately. I seem to be in a grey haze with no clearing in sight. This morning I saw my first lilac bush blooming, Lilacs blooming always remind me of Shana. Oh how I miss her. I just have a hard time believing that she is ( Read more... )

We finally had a week of nice weather. Spring has finally arrived in the armpit of America beautiful NJ. lol. I saw some daffodils blooming and could smell some honeysuckle. I also saw a tiger kitty that reminded me of her. Spring always reminds me of Shana. I wish she was here to enjoy it. I really miss you alot. I have been in a funk, that is why ( Read more... )

and I feel helpless again..once again I feel liked I've failed someone. Everyone wants me to make decisions, decisions that I can't handle right now. I just feel like I'm falling into a dark hole that has no bottom, and I feel utterly helpless to stop the freefall. How I wish I could talk to you and ask you for your advice and honesty. You were so ( Read more... )

I was playing Easter Bunny this morning. At 1:30 a.m. I was hiding plastic eggs and filling Brett's basket with Easter goodies. He got a stuffed rabbit, marshmallow peeps, whopper eggs, Cadbury eggs, peanut butter eggs, jellybellies, chocolate bunnies, Nestle crunch eggs, and too numerous candies to mention. Last night we dyed 18 eggs in a rainbow ( Read more... )

Today is the 2nd Anniversary of Shana's death and I still wonder why? I still have questions that go unanswered. I still have what ifs....A mother's job is to protect her children, but I obviously failed...Not one day goes by when Shana is not the first thing I think of when I awake, or the last thing I think of when I try to sleep at night. Sleep ( Read more... )

Winter laughs at us...and dumps 8 inches of snow and it's still snowing....We were just starting to get out of last weeks snow when this snow storm came along and wrecked havoc on us. Sometimes life sucks! Just when I had given him up for Lent, he comes back stronger, making me like him again. Damn him! I haven't decided if I'll give him another ( Read more... )

Tonight is the Oscar's. I am remembering the Oscar day that we all heard of Shana's death. How ironic that she chose to die the day of the Academy Awards. And like that night almost 2 years ago, Johnny Depp is once again up for Best Actor. She would have gotten a good chuckle over that, since Johnny was her hottie besides John Malkovich(what did ( Read more... )

After digging ourselves out of 6.75 inches of snow on Thursday, we are told that another storm, even worse than the last will hit us on Monday. Yippee!not! I am so sick of winter and being cold that I could cry. I can hardly wait until it gets warmer. This morning it was 20 degrees not including the wind chill factor with winds at 15-25 mph that ( Read more... )

especially thoughts of you. As it approaches closer to the 2 year anniversary of your death, there is still so much unanswered questions. I wish I could have known what you were thinking on that last Saturday. How I wish I would have called you that day, like my head was telling me to do. How I wish I would have insisted that you come up here and ( Read more... )