Fragile 5/5
Title: Fragile
Pairing: Changmin x Yoochun
Rating: R
Disclaimer: When I close my eyes, they are mine.
Genre: AU, angst, drama, romance
Length: Chaptered
Warnings: Unbeta-ed, rape, incest, underage sex, twisted parentship.
Summary: 'I love you' soon becomes a meaningless phrase for Yoochun. His mother takes him more and more often to those strange friends of hers, sometimes leaving him and sometimes watching while those strangers do those things to him. She tells him it's normal, she tells him he has to do it in order to prove how much he loves her. So Yoochun complies.
When his mother gets remarried, she tells her son he doesn't have to prove anything anymore. Yoochun thinks this is the end of the uncomfortable experiences but he's wrong. Things escalate even more when his stepbrother comes back from the army.
Chapter 1 // Chapter 2 // Chapter 3 // Chapter 4
Yoochun likes to believe that his whole life has been a nightmare up till now. He wants to forget everything that has happened in the past, put it away in a box to never open it again, but he knows it’s impossible - his past has become a part of him and no matter how hard he tries, he can’t brush his memories off as if they had been just a vague dream. For the last couple of weeks, his mind had been a complete chaos.
To learn that everything he had thought was right was actually wrong had been a huge slap in the face. To learn that everything that had happened to him, everything that he had allowed to happen to him, had been something sinful, something shameful... it broke him. It tore at the inner core of his being, it made him crumble into little nothings and above all... it made him want to give up on life.
And yet, he had two angels in his life. Two people who struggled to keep him going even though he didn’t want to. It was only for those two people that he hang on onto this miserable life. Jaejoong and Changmin made him see the little pleasures of life as they encouraged him to keep going.
They made him feel warm, made him see what it really felt like to be loved dearly. Even though he held no blood ties with both men, even though he knew them for only a few weeks by now... it amazed Yoochun how he could feel so at ease in the presence of the two men.
They made him feel happy.
They were the reason he hadn't given up on the miserable being that was him. They were the reason why he hadn't ended his life when he had realized everything he had possibly believed in was a lie. They were the reason he kept fighting, kept struggling, even though his life had been destroyed by raging sin.
They had become his reason to live through the pain that didn't seem to stop.
~
"Yoochun-ah," Changmin says one day. When Yoochun averts his eyes from the television, looking curiously at the other man, he continues, "You’re still having nightmares, right?" Yoochun nods, a slight hesitation in his eyes as he prepares himself for where their conversation is heading. "You want them to stop too, right?"
"Of course," Yoochun says, a light frown covering his face. The nightmares had continued mercilessly. It had come to the extent that the boy had been forced to wake Changmin up almost every night which had resulted in the latter moving his sleeping place Yoochun’s room. Even though the boy had urged the older man to take the bed, Changmin had insisted on avoiding close physical contact unless Yoochun needed him to.
They both knew the man was going to end up sleeping with Yoochun anyway.
When this had become clear, Changmin had carefully decided to start sleeping in the bed anyway. The bed wasn’t meant for two persons but with Yoochun’s small built, they managed. A mess of limbs would be created on the bed as strong arms encircled Yoochun’s body, their legs tangling together, bodies hugging each other. It was strange to realize how much the boy had started to trust the man. Changmin would hold Yoochun tight, only falling asleep when the other had. He would look at the peaceful face of the boy and wonder when he'd see the same expression on his conscious face again.
When Yoochun would startle awake from his nightmares, his heart practically jumping out of his chest, his eyes moist, the boy would bury his face in Changmin's chest and calm his own rapidly beating heart by listening to the steady intakes of air that filled in the room and the steady beating of the man's heart.
With the unexpected question of Changmin, Yoochun found himself thinking that the man might think of him as a nuisance. A pang of pain shot through his heart and his body tensed because something in him wasn't very surprised. Even though he wasn't able to live without Shim Changmin anymore, he knew that the latter would be able to live without him easily. It didn’t help that Yoochun knew it would make Changmin’s life a lot easier as well.
"I was wondering... if you’d like to talk about your experiences with someone. A psychiatrist might be able to help you get rid of your nightmares. It'll help you to overcome your past."
"A psychiatrist?" Yoochun frowned, "I'm not crazy if that's what you're thinking."
"I wasn’t trying to imply that," Changmin said calmly. He stood up from where he had been sitting, moving his own body next to Yoochun's. He extended his hands to grab one of the boy's, his thumb mindlessly caressing his skin. "I never said you were crazy. But you might get crazy because of the burdens you have to carry. Those burdens aren't yours alone to carry. You have me and Jae... but we might not be enou-"
"You guys are always enough," Yoochun interrupted. When these honest words leave his mouth, he suddenly finds himself overwhelmed by a craving, a longing, to feel... to at least feel something other than the haunting pain. Changmin takes him in silently, a look in his eyes Yoochun doesn't understand. Later he realizes it's pain and sadness for this unfair world, pity for a young boy for having to go through all this pain.
However, for now Changmin lets the issue drop. "You know that's not what I mean..." he whispers softly, his eyes gentle. When Yoochun doesn’t answer, Changmin sighs silently and wraps his arms around the boy, cradling him in his arms, carefully as if he was made of porcelain - vulnerable, breakable, fragile - as he nuzzles his nose in the soft hair.
They sit there silently without saying a word to each other, just the rhythmic beating of their hearts and the rhythmic sounds of their breathing. It might mean nothing to so many people but to Yoochun, it meant everything.
~
Even though the lawsuit is only a few days away by now, Changmin takes his hand one day and urges him with a slight smile on his face to follow him. With a surprised expression on his face, Yoochun obeys as he puts his jacket and shoes on. "You don't mind, Jaejoong-hyung?" Yoochun carefully asks when he sees the man lost in thoughts above a lot of papers and books.
"No, go have fun with Changmin," he instead smiles, "You should have some fun."
Yoochun feels bad because Jaejoong had been working so hard just for him these past days but he leaves obediently anyway, trying to suppress the guilty feeling in his stomach. He forgets about it when Changmin grabs his hand protectively when they're sitting in the car and Yoochun doesn't bother asking where they will go to, trusting whatever Changmin decides to do.
~
"An amusement park?" Yoochun asks, caution in his eyes. He actually doesn't like amusement parks, the associations bringing back blurry memories of the beginning of his hell. His mind jumbles back, confused feelings flashing through his body and his breath hitches when he once again thinks to feel those hands on his body, those hands slamming him to the ground, those lips crushing on his lips, those eyes, that mole, that hair. His insides turn cold at the sight of the park because the only thought that's flashing through his mind is Changmin betrayed me... He betrayed me. He's going to use me too, he's going to make me do those things again, why didn’t I see this coming, why did I-
However, before his thoughts are able to make things far worse than they really are, Changmin gently takes his hands and squats before him. His brown eyes are gentle, sweet, caring and his voice is low, deep, calm, "What are you thinking about? Jae and I thought it'd be a good idea if you would go out more, have some more fun. What's wrong? You don't like it?"
Yoochun swallows with much difficulty, not knowing what to think of Changmin's words. They sound so genuine, so caring, so worried but everything in his body is screaming that it's all a lie. That he had been fooled before, that it had been the beginning of his fucked up life (quite literally and figuratively) and that he shouldn’t be so stupid as to believe everything for a second time. He can’t believe that a place that normally filled children with joy, filled him with nothing but pure agony.
"What's wrong, Yoochun-ah?" a worried look appears on Changmin's face now that he's caught on of Yoochun inner terror. "We don't have to go if you don't want to, you don't have to feel scared."
"I-I..." Yoochun stammers, a deep blush appearing on his face. He doesn't want to disappoint Changmin, certainly not after all that he has done for him. But just the simple sight of an amusement park reduces him to a trembling state, cold sweat trickling down his back, heart almost jumping out of his chest. Blurry memories are still appearing in front of his eyes, moans of pleasure filling his ears, agonized screams of pain ripping through his mind. Hands touching whatever they can, brute fingers bruising his skin, heavy pants filling his ears, pain, pain, everywhere is pain, it's humiliating, it’s unbearable, it's-
"Yah, let's get out of here," Changmin interrupts his train of thoughts, grabbing his hand while he takes long strides back to the car, away from the hell. Only when Yoochun isn't able to hear the joyful music of the park anymore, only when the Ferris wheel almost disappears behind the green trees, only then does he realize that his legs have become like jelly, that his shirt is wet with sweat, that he has difficulties controlling his breathing, only then does he realize how scared he actually was.
"I'm sorry," he breathes when they're sitting in the car. Sorry for being a nuisance to you, sorry for doing nothing in return for your kindness, sorry for even thinking you were going to hurt me, sorry you have to put up with me, so so sorry for everything.
"It's okay," Changmin smiles instead, squeezing Yoochun's hand in encouragement. When the boy looks into his eyes, Yoochun's heart breaks a little. What could I have ever done to deserve so much kindness in my life? How can I ever pay you back? What is it that makes you care about this pathetic me? Yoochun wants to say it out loud but can't, is too much of a coward for it, so instead he just watches Changmin start the car and say, "It's okay. There are other ways to have fun. What would you like to do, Yoochun-ah? Tell me and we'll do it."
When Yoochun remains silent, Changmin starts driving anyway. "It's okay," he once again says, "If you can't think of anything, I will."
~
Instead of going to the amusement park, they went to the centre of Seoul. Yoochun had been there often enough but he had never realized how much fun he could actually have there. Never had he paid much attention to his surroundings as he’d always go with his mother who would take him by the hand and lead him to every store.
After they had eaten a quick something, they went out on the streets. Yoochun finds himself staring at the beautiful buildings, the windows with beautiful clothes, the stores with so many toys. Changmin sighs deeply, burying his hand in his pockets, nuzzling his nose in his scarf. "Let's look for some things for you," he smiles and Yoochun can't help himself but think that it doesn't matter what he'd do as long as Changmin was by his side.
~
When the doorbell rings later that day, Yoochun excitedly claims that he'll open the door. However, his excitement is short lived when he opens the door and sees that his mother has come here. He can’t help himself but think how gorgeous she actually looks, her black hair carefully pushed into a bun while her pale complexion enhances her dark eyes, rosy lips and raven hair. She looks as if she had the time of her life since he had left. "Hi," he says brusquely, not being able to shake this feeling of discomfort off. For a moment, he's happy that both Changmin and Jaejoong are at home but at the same time, he's embarrassed at himself for responding like this to the woman who had taken care of him for all these years.
"Hi," Yoochun realizes how much he has missed that sweet and soft voice, how much he had craved to hear that slightly melodious voice the past days. The weak reflections in his dreams were nothing compared to the real deal. “Mind if I come in?”
The right words didn’t seem to come to him. Yes, he minded. He wasn’t ready to talk to the woman who had chosen her husband over her own son, he wasn’t ready to talk to the woman who had decided that wealth was more important than blood. He just wasn’t ready. And yet, something in him was screaming that his mother had come to her senses, that she would be the loving woman again from his memories, that she regretted everything, that... that they could be a family again.
“We’d mind it very much if you’d enter actually,” Yoochun turns back to see the source of the voice, though he already knows it. The voice of Changmin is cold and distant and when the small boy looks his brother in the eyes, there’s nothing but disgust and hate in it. His gaze is so piercing that it makes Yoochun shrink even though he knows the emotions aren’t meant for him. “What do you want?”
“What, are you going to stop me from seeing my own son?” his mother snaps.
“You still dare to call him your son after everything what happened? He was no son to you, he was merely an object for you so you could live comfortably. You still dare to call yourself a mother? God, I can’t believe how he could have survived living surrounded by people as twisted as you and my father. If you don’t have anything else to say, please go. I don’t want to spend time cleaning Jaejoong’s house to get rid of cockroaches like you,” the voice of Changmin is harsh and filled with contempt. Even Yoochun can feel the shivers running down his spine and it surprises him that his mother's expression remains calm and cool, not even flinching at the vicious words.
"I don't have time to deal with children like you. Behave maturely, Changmin, put your feelings aside because I want to talk. Is this how you behave towards your guests?" his mother replied calmly. Yoochun can't help himself but listen to the melodious voice of his mother, a feeling of safety running through his body even though he knows he shouldn't let his guard down.
"Keep it short," Changmin snarls, chagrin painting his face as he steps aside to let the woman enter the house. She takes place at the dining table without a word, not even bothering to take her jacket off.
"So what do you want?" Changmin asks brusquely, not bothering to sit down at the table even though the woman gestured him to. Instead, he's standing in the room, his arms crossed, while his eyes seem to be able to burn a hole in the table.
"We both know that this lawsuit is going to end badly. You don't have a lot of money and your father is trying his hardest to frame you. This shouldn't come as news but he is trying a lot right now. With his money and influence, don't you think it's hard to win from him?"
Yoochun doesn't dare to breathe, eyeing the spectacle with absolute fear. He had always trusted Changmin, always thought he would be able to protect him, to save him from his past. But even Changmin couldn't fight enemies as big as his father. Even though Yoochun’s memories were tainted now with the most painful things, he clearly remembers the love he once had for his stepfather.
"You're right," Changmin says and Yoochun can feel his heart sink, "He's trying his hardest to frame me, I know what kind of person he actually is. He has more money than me, he can get the best lawyer in the country, he is trying everything possible to prevent himself from ending in jail. But he shouldn't underestimate me. He doesn't know what I'm capable of and he only remembers the scared boy who ran off to the army just because his life had turned into a nightmare. I'm no longer that scared boy who runs away from his problems.
I know father has a lot of influence. But is he sure that's his weapon? Pride will have a fall - when a person has a great weapon, it'll be easy for him to overestimate himself. He should be careful his greatest weapon isn't going to stab him in the back," Changmin concludes.
"I see. Your father always says you were a great student and I can see why," Yoochun's mother says slowly, thinking the words over, "But with your intelligence shouldn't you be able to see the consequences? I'm here to offer you a deal... Let's stop this nonsense, okay? Children shouldn't go against their parents. Your father has thought about it; he's willing to pretend that nothing has happened, he's willing to let you go even though he knows he'll win in the lawsuit, he's willing to finance everything - apartment, studies, food, everything - for you if you drop this lawsuit. What do you think about it?"
“Oh, so the Great Lord is willing to forgive me if I drop this lawsuit? Even though he thinks he has almost acquired a win?” Changmin says sarcastically, “He's willing to pay for everything - doesn't this make me nothing else than one of the other people he has paid to talk lies? I won't allow it. I won't let Yoochun return to that awful place and live with you. I'd rather die than do that. I want justice; justice for my mother, justice for my stepbrother, justice for me. I will never allow my father to get away with ruining one’s childhood, with rape and murder. I will never allow you to get away with selling out your own child, with ruining your own flesh and blood.”
“If that’s your decision...” Yoochun watches his mother heave a sigh. “Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.”
She abruptly stands up, gathering her bag before abruptly leaving the building. Yoochun can’t keep his eyes off her back, off the bouncing bun on the back of her head. Pain shoots through his body as he realizes she doesn’t even bother to give him one last look.
~
It’s only five day before the hearing that Yoochun finally meets the witness Changmin had mentioned a few times. She had been at their home a few times already but he had always been at school and missed the chance to meet her. When he finally sees who she really is, he’s surprised. It was someone he only knew by face because she was one of the maids of his father and he’s surprised to see that she’s willing to testify against her boss for him.
“I’m Yoochun,” he says, bowing. He’s slightly flustered - not a single time had he thought that someone inside the house would have known about everything. The girl introduces herself as Kim Taeyeon. Their introductions are followed by a silence, one where both don’t know what to say or where to look at, until Jaejoong breaks it.
“We’ve been talking about it for quite long, Yoochun,” he says, “and we think it might be better if you won’t witness against your own parents.”
A shocked expression appears on Yoochun’s face as he tries to process the news. “Why?” he says, refusing to believe the words.
“I think you’ll feel too pressured. It isn’t necessary for you to testify against both your parents and we don’t think you’ll have to carry that kind of burden as well... Instead, how about we go with you to a psychiatrist to take a test? They’ll ask you some things to see if you’ve truly had any sexual interaction with people and this will help us support our case,” Jaejoong says, his eyes so gentle that it makes Yoochun feel bad for being such a burden to the man.
“I-I won’t break,” he raises his voice, tries to appear stronger than he actually feels. Stubbornly, he adds a determined, “I can do it.”
“No, you can’t,” Jaejoong however insists. “I won’t waste any more time on this discussion. The best way for you to help us is to take that test so we can convince the judges.”
Yoochun wants to resist but when he sees the determined look in Jaejoong’s eyes, he lets his head hang in disappointment. However, a hand strokes his hair gently and he hears the older man say, “Don’t feel bad. Everything is going to end well. We... we want to show you something. The proof Taeyeon has. We can’t and we won’t use it in the lawsuit without getting your approval first.”
Yoochun’s heart almost stops beating when he realizes the importance of having Taeyeon on his side in the lawsuit. His body starts trembling uncontrollably as her evidence is presented to him, the proof which they all needed to win this lawsuit, and it leaves his body numb, powerless.
“Are you okay?” Jaejoong asks worriedly and, even though his eyes are dark because of what they’ve all just heard, his hand is outstretched to support the trembling boy. “If you don’t want this to be presented in court, we won’t do it. We’re serious about it.”
“N-no,” Yoochun tries to breathe properly, tries to think, tries to feel anything other than pure terror. He takes a deep breath, trying to stabilize the turmoil inside his body, “No. Let’s-let’s use it. Let’s win this case.”
~
The day of the trial had finally arrived. Somehow, the media had discovered that today there’d be a trial involving a big figure. It scared Yoochun how much of the rumours published in the newspapers actually were true - they seemed to know almost everything, except for the name of person ‘A’. It scared him that the newspapers even knew of Changmin’s existence - who happened to be person ‘C’ - and his return from the army.
Just the thought that a man would mercilessly use his stepson for his own sexual pleasures had stirred so much outrage that Yoochun was glad that he was still underage and that the hearing would be closed for outsiders. He was a little bit scared for the media and even for the people who seemed to support him.
The boy had tried his hardest to appear decently. He had borrowed a suit from Jaejoong and the sizes were pretty off. Jaejoong's shoulders were much broader than his, his waist much smaller and his legs much taller. Changmin laughs nervously when he sees Yooochun because it's like he’s looking at a boy who had played around with his father's clothes. To hide the awkwardness of the big clothes, they decide to take off the jacket with its broad shoulders. The size of Jaejoong's pants wasn't as off as of his jacket and they decide to go with it.
"Don't be nervous," Changmin says softly, taking his hand to squeeze it in encouragement, "We will be right next to you. Everything is going to be alright."
~
“Today we’ve gathered here to talk about the case of Shim Dongmin, Park Hana and Park Yoochun.”
Yoochun swallows nervously, listening to Jaejoong’s soft but stern voice presenting the reason of the lawsuit. That Hana had used her own son to live comfortably, that Dongmin had raped his stepson so many times, that Yoochun had fallen victim to two adults who had no idea of any moral codes. That Hana had taken Yoochun out to clients starting from when he was seven, that she later married Dongmin and that he’d take advantage of the boy each Thursday after having told his son that it was for ‘bonding’. To close his story, he presents the judge the result of the test Yoochun had taken a few days earlier - the test that had pointed out that he truly had sexual interaction with other people. Yoochun takes a shivering breath as the first witness, his stepfather, takes place to testify.
“Name?” - “Shim Dongmin.”, “Date of birth?” - “5 May 1964,” and then the trial really started.
“I met Park Hana something more than a year ago. I knew she had a son but I didn’t know what kind of person he really was after I had ended up marrying her. He always wanted attention, even when we both were busy. We went to the hospital because we were wondering if he might have ADHD but it ended up being something different - he had histrionic personality disorder. Persons with this disorder want a lot of attention, want to be the centre of everything. This is often caused by a traumatic event in the youth and we assumed that the death of his father was the cause but of course, we couldn’t be sure.
Hana and I tried a lot to help Yoochun. I tried to bond with him - I never tried to replace his father but rather, I tried to become a second father to him. I never thought that this would lead to a lawsuit. I have never touched Yoochun in an inappropriate way. The times he claims to have fallen victim to me are a lie, created by him in order to get more attention. I don’t know what kind of lies he has just told everyone but I do have a rough idea.
I tried to help Yoochun by bonding with him every Thursday. I would try to become the second father he seemed to need so desperately but I never forced myself on him or even touched him inappropriately. I never let him pleasure me nor did I touch him.
I can’t believe a child is going this far to get some attention. My lawyer has the document with our hospital and treatment bills and the specification of the reason behind our visits,” Dongmin finished.
Yoochun couldn’t believe his ears. Suddenly, he had changed from the victim into the culprit. He gritted his teeth, unbelieving how much a little bit of money could actually do in this world. A little bit of money and a fake document could be created. A little bit of money and the guilty became innocent, the innocent guilty.
“We’ll accept the evidence. Please begin your cross-examination,” the judge nodded once again.
Yoochun’s heart was beating so loudly he was sure everyone in the room could hear. He looked intensely at Jaejoong, Jaejoong who was carefully studying the fake document in his hands. Then, the man stood up and started asking questions.
“When you’d bond every Thursday, what did you do?”
“We would watch a movie, watch soccer, watch some programmes on television. Sometimes, I would just tell him about myself, my wife, my son. I would try to make him talk about his father as well but that was a little bit harder. This only strengthened my belief that Yoochun hadn’t completely gotten over the death of his father.”
Yoochun’s breathing was harsh, his hands balled into tight fists. How did this bastard dare to use his father for his own tricks.
“Why are you so sure that the reason behind this lawsuit is because of the Thursdays you’ve spent time with Yoochun? In the letter you received concerning this lawsuit, there were no specific dates of rape mentioned. If you truly haven’t done anything to Yoochun and if it’s true that Yoochun is lying, how would you know that the dates we’ve mentioned were, indeed, Thursdays? This is really suspicious,” Jaejoong narrows his eyes as he speaks, trying to pinpoint the flaws in the story Dongmin had made up.
“It-it’s because I have no idea about what other days he could have been talking about. I have to work a lot and it’s not very often that I’m at home - the only days I’d interact with Yoochun were Thursday evenings when I’d make time to have some fun with him. I thought... I tried to rationalize it.”
“But why should you rationalize this? Don’t you have proof-,” Jaejoong holds up the hospital bills, “-that Yoochun has an illness in his head? People who think of lies to get attention don’t rationalize. They just talk and every time, they say something different. They always alter their story to fit the circumstances. There’s no need to rationalize everything and if nothing has ever happened between you two like you’re claiming, that truly was a good guess on your part. Because there’s quite the possibility that Yoochun didn’t mention any date, he could have said it’d have happened on random days. Even if it happened on one standard day - which you couldn’t be sure about - there’s still a 1:7 chance you’d guess the right day. He could have even claimed that it happened just once! Your testimony is based on the fact that it happened on Thursdays but if you truly are innocent, you can’t be sure about that.”
The judge nods, turning his head to Dongmin. “Very well, do you have anything to say on this?”
“I-I can only say that it was a good guess. I have speculated about it, tried to rationalize it and it seemed that I’ve guessed right,” Dongmin laughs nervously. The judge only nods as he writes something down and even though his expression is unreadable, Yoochun knows this can’t be good for his stepfather.
“Please continue.”
Jaejoong once again starts speaking. “Also, if I remember correctly, Changmin - your son - came back from the army just a month ago. Can I please ask why he’s going to testify against you in this trial? Why is he choosing Yoochun’s side, someone he barely knows after getting out of the army, someone he holds absolute no blood ties with - unlike he has with you.”
“That’s a good question which I again can’t answer. Shouldn’t you ask Changmin why? Personally, I think it’s because he wants my money.”
“Very well,” Jaejoong says, frowning as he realizes he can’t get further on this point. He decides to approach it from another angle, a change of tactic. “Wasn’t it hard for Yoochun to cope with the return of his stepbrother? Wasn’t it hard for him to have an even smaller part of your attention?”
“I think that’s exactly the reason of Yoochun’s lies. The day Changmin returned, Yoochun changed. My wife and I were busy the whole day - my wife was cleaning the house, cooking, tidying everything. I was at work and immediately after that, I went to pick Changmin up. I think it was hard for Yoochun to cope with it because after the return of my son, he didn’t get as much attention as he used to get.”
“So you didn’t go anywhere the day Changmin returned from the army?”
“No.” A firm objection.
“Could you tell me the date he returned?”
“11 November 2011, quite the easy date to remember,” Dongmin said determinedly.
“That’s strange. It says that Yoochun went to his psychiatrist for one of his treatments at the 11th of November. Don’t tell me you let a twelve year old go to the psychiatrist on his own?” Jaejoong says, the papers in his hand.
“...” A silence that makes Yoochun’s heart almost jump out of his chest. There should be some gaps in Dongmin’s story since all of it obviously was a lie, all of the evidence fake, but it was a different story to see them pointed out in a story that seemed to be flawless. It made Yoochun realize how big of a weapon language actually was. “No, that’s because-because one of our maids took him. Even though the presence of us, his parents, is often required, it wasn’t at that time. Sometimes children find it easier to talk about their feelings in front of someone they have no connections with.”
“What’s your part in the treatment that Yoochun gets?”
“I... We talk about him and his feelings. We try to listen to him and we try to create a solution that seems fit for him. We try to understand him.”
“Dear Dongmin-sshi, you obviously are telling a lie right now. As far as I know, HPD treatments are private ones. It's strongly advised not to go along with the patient as a parent because patients tend to exaggerate things in front of people they know,” Jaejoong says, “The medical information you just gave me says the same thing. ‘Treatment for this disorder is difficult but therapy seems to be the most helpful. It's discouraged for parents to go along because this will only stimulate the child to exaggerate things.’”
Another silence. Yoochun liked the sound of his father's silences.
"I admit it," Yoochun's heart started beating faster and faster at the sound of what possibly could be the confession of his stepfather. I lied, Yoochun is healthy and I did everything he said I did. "I never attended one of those therapies. My wife brought him there while I was busy working. I wouldn't know what has happened behind the scenes because I didn't go to the therapies."
It angered Yoochun that his father had taken so many preparations to make him look like a mad man. Jaejoong was firing question after question, trying to make the testimony crumble, but even he could do only so much against a lot of money. However, Yoochun knows they’re going to win... at least, win against Dongmin. The next witness was Taeyeon and even though the evidence she was carrying would determine the outcome of this case, even though he wanted nothing else but win this case, he already started to feel nervous at the thought of the evidence being shown in court.
"Your testimony, please."
"I've been working for the Shims for two years. It was a good job and I was scared to lose it. I did a fair amount of house chores but that isn't really interesting for this case," she laughs nervously, "One day, Yoochun had fallen ill. I had to take care of him. That night, when his mother was gone for her salsa classes, his father arrived. He immediately went upstairs and I didn't think more about it.
When I, too, went upstairs to check on Yoochun, I saw something I shouldn't have. It-it was hauntingly scary. He was touching his own son, his son who had fallen ill and was used in his weakest moments. Yoochun's eyes were half lidded, his cheeks flushed and I'm not sure if he remembers it at all but he was crying and screaming, whispering for it to stop.
I was frozen to the ground. My body refused to do anything as I watched it happen in front of my eyes.
Only when I saw him truly intruding Yoochun, only when I heard an agonizing scream rip from his throat... only then was I able to move my body. The scream would hunt me for weeks, months, just like the guilt I felt for not doing anything for such a small boy.
I was too scared to lose my job back then. I needed the money to take care for my family and even though it went against my moral beliefs, I did nothing.
The sounds I sometimes heard from Yoochun's room made me feel guilty. I wanted to change my work days so I didn't have to be reminded constantly of my cowardice. However, it wasn't possible and I just tried to go upstairs as least as possible.
Changmin came back from the army and it was my first time meeting the young master. His constant arguing with his father made me suspect that he knew more of the dark side of the man than I would know. But of course, I didn't say anything.
I had finally convinced myself to do something about it. Guilt was eating me up and I wanted to go to the police station, wanted justice for the poor boy who was too innocent for this. However, I was scared nobody would believe me if I'd go - after all, I'm a nobody compared to Shim Dongmin. I-I decided to do something bold, something I still don't believe I actually did.
It was already late at night but I was still awake, busy reading one of my books. It was only when I heard soft footsteps and the sound of someone opening a door of a room I knew wasn’t my master’s, that I knew I had to do something. My heart almost jumped out of my chest but I decided to gather all my courage to finally do something good. Standing at the door, just hearing the sounds alone... it made me feel so angry. I wanted to storm into the room, confront the man, save the poor boy. But at the same time, the very image of my own family came into mind, the family I had to take care of.
It’s... I’m ashamed to say this out loud but again, I was a coward. I had been so resolute just a few seconds ago but when it was the moment of truth, I really couldn’t and I truly hated myself for not being able to help Yoochun. In-in that moment of self-despise and fear, I decided to overcome my powerlessness. I-I recorded everything. I have no idea what got into me that night but I did it without thinking - I wanted to go to the police station later that night to hand them the recording anonymously, had it not been that Changmin discovered me.
When he saw what happened in front of him, he couldn't contain his anger and burst into the room. I-I have the recording with me right now, I think it's enough proof for what truly happened inside the house," Taeyeon ended her story. She handed over her mobile phone with the recording on it and Yoochun's heart stopped beating when he heard the sound of ragged breathings and muffled screams fill the room. There was the sound of gagging followed by a low voice shh, don't cry baby don't cry. The voice was low enough to not be recognized but the second time the man spoke, it was undoubtedly Dongmin; I’m so glad at least one of my sons still love me.
There's nothing else but the sound of ragged breathing until an agonizing scream fills the room. Yoochun flinches at the sound of his own voice in pain, tears streaming soundlessly over his cheeks. He feels nauseous, disgusted. Please... st-stop... the voice is drenched with tears, too tired to raise its volume, reduced to whispers. Still, the voice is audible enough for it to be recognized as his own.
After that, a range of different sounds fill the room. Yoochun flinches, turning away his face in shame. The recording seems to go on for forever and ever, pants, moans, whimpers from a painful occurrence filling the room.
The cross-examination begins once again but Yoochun knows they've won. It was impossible to talk away proof that was this solid. The rest of the lawsuit was only show, a procedure to hear everyone's voices, a chance to spew some lies in order to lessen the punishment.
Dongmin couldn't think of a believable excuse other than 'It's fake! They're trying to frame me!' but the biggest surprise was from Hana who admitted to her crimes.
“I’m Park Hana, Yoochun’s mother. But never have I behaved like a mom to him - I admit that...” his mother halts her words, looking for the right words, maybe even hesitating if she should admit to the last bit of humanity left in her or if she should just lie. Even Yoochun knows she’d be able to get away with it if she’d just keep denying everything - after all, there was no evidence for her crimes. It’d be his word against hers. She takes a deep breath, “I admit that I’ve lived off of my son for all these years. I’ve allowed him to get used by many many men, it’d scare you to hear the actual number. I’ve lost track of it too... I only cared about myself, I felt wronged by my husband who died leaving behind so many debts.
Yoochun... he looks exactly like my ex-husband. Every time I’d look at his face, I’d see the bastard who had caused me to live so miserably.
I wanted him to pay for it. When I got the chance to earn money, I grabbed it with both hands, not thinking about the health of my child. I was selfish, even now I still am. I wanted Yoochun to pay for the mistakes of his father... I-I used him,” Hana is crying, genuine remorse written all over her face. Yoochun isn’t even able to utter a single word - surprised to hear that this was the reason for all his suffering, surprised that it was something this twisted that had ruined his life.
“I’m willing to undergo every punishment you give me. I know not one of them is going to be enough for the pain I’ve inflicted on my own flesh and blood, I know not one of them is going to make these past years good and I know not one of them is going to turn me into a good mother ever again. But still, I’d feel wronged if I wouldn’t receive any punishment - I won't be able to face my son ever again.”
Yoochun feels sick inside but somewhat, he is glad that it's all finally over.
--------
A/N: Kind of nervous D/ I hope I didn't drop anything important.
It took me awfully long to write this lol :'D Sorry for the long wait, I hope you thought it was worth it.
There'll be an epilogue, I'm not sure when I'll post it but I guess soon.
Also, a belated happy New Year to everyone! :>
Pairing: Changmin x Yoochun
Rating: R
Disclaimer: When I close my eyes, they are mine.
Genre: AU, angst, drama, romance
Length: Chaptered
Warnings: Unbeta-ed, rape, incest, underage sex, twisted parentship.
Summary: 'I love you' soon becomes a meaningless phrase for Yoochun. His mother takes him more and more often to those strange friends of hers, sometimes leaving him and sometimes watching while those strangers do those things to him. She tells him it's normal, she tells him he has to do it in order to prove how much he loves her. So Yoochun complies.
When his mother gets remarried, she tells her son he doesn't have to prove anything anymore. Yoochun thinks this is the end of the uncomfortable experiences but he's wrong. Things escalate even more when his stepbrother comes back from the army.
Chapter 1 // Chapter 2 // Chapter 3 // Chapter 4
Yoochun likes to believe that his whole life has been a nightmare up till now. He wants to forget everything that has happened in the past, put it away in a box to never open it again, but he knows it’s impossible - his past has become a part of him and no matter how hard he tries, he can’t brush his memories off as if they had been just a vague dream. For the last couple of weeks, his mind had been a complete chaos.
To learn that everything he had thought was right was actually wrong had been a huge slap in the face. To learn that everything that had happened to him, everything that he had allowed to happen to him, had been something sinful, something shameful... it broke him. It tore at the inner core of his being, it made him crumble into little nothings and above all... it made him want to give up on life.
And yet, he had two angels in his life. Two people who struggled to keep him going even though he didn’t want to. It was only for those two people that he hang on onto this miserable life. Jaejoong and Changmin made him see the little pleasures of life as they encouraged him to keep going.
They made him feel warm, made him see what it really felt like to be loved dearly. Even though he held no blood ties with both men, even though he knew them for only a few weeks by now... it amazed Yoochun how he could feel so at ease in the presence of the two men.
They made him feel happy.
They were the reason he hadn't given up on the miserable being that was him. They were the reason why he hadn't ended his life when he had realized everything he had possibly believed in was a lie. They were the reason he kept fighting, kept struggling, even though his life had been destroyed by raging sin.
They had become his reason to live through the pain that didn't seem to stop.
~
"Yoochun-ah," Changmin says one day. When Yoochun averts his eyes from the television, looking curiously at the other man, he continues, "You’re still having nightmares, right?" Yoochun nods, a slight hesitation in his eyes as he prepares himself for where their conversation is heading. "You want them to stop too, right?"
"Of course," Yoochun says, a light frown covering his face. The nightmares had continued mercilessly. It had come to the extent that the boy had been forced to wake Changmin up almost every night which had resulted in the latter moving his sleeping place Yoochun’s room. Even though the boy had urged the older man to take the bed, Changmin had insisted on avoiding close physical contact unless Yoochun needed him to.
They both knew the man was going to end up sleeping with Yoochun anyway.
When this had become clear, Changmin had carefully decided to start sleeping in the bed anyway. The bed wasn’t meant for two persons but with Yoochun’s small built, they managed. A mess of limbs would be created on the bed as strong arms encircled Yoochun’s body, their legs tangling together, bodies hugging each other. It was strange to realize how much the boy had started to trust the man. Changmin would hold Yoochun tight, only falling asleep when the other had. He would look at the peaceful face of the boy and wonder when he'd see the same expression on his conscious face again.
When Yoochun would startle awake from his nightmares, his heart practically jumping out of his chest, his eyes moist, the boy would bury his face in Changmin's chest and calm his own rapidly beating heart by listening to the steady intakes of air that filled in the room and the steady beating of the man's heart.
With the unexpected question of Changmin, Yoochun found himself thinking that the man might think of him as a nuisance. A pang of pain shot through his heart and his body tensed because something in him wasn't very surprised. Even though he wasn't able to live without Shim Changmin anymore, he knew that the latter would be able to live without him easily. It didn’t help that Yoochun knew it would make Changmin’s life a lot easier as well.
"I was wondering... if you’d like to talk about your experiences with someone. A psychiatrist might be able to help you get rid of your nightmares. It'll help you to overcome your past."
"A psychiatrist?" Yoochun frowned, "I'm not crazy if that's what you're thinking."
"I wasn’t trying to imply that," Changmin said calmly. He stood up from where he had been sitting, moving his own body next to Yoochun's. He extended his hands to grab one of the boy's, his thumb mindlessly caressing his skin. "I never said you were crazy. But you might get crazy because of the burdens you have to carry. Those burdens aren't yours alone to carry. You have me and Jae... but we might not be enou-"
"You guys are always enough," Yoochun interrupted. When these honest words leave his mouth, he suddenly finds himself overwhelmed by a craving, a longing, to feel... to at least feel something other than the haunting pain. Changmin takes him in silently, a look in his eyes Yoochun doesn't understand. Later he realizes it's pain and sadness for this unfair world, pity for a young boy for having to go through all this pain.
However, for now Changmin lets the issue drop. "You know that's not what I mean..." he whispers softly, his eyes gentle. When Yoochun doesn’t answer, Changmin sighs silently and wraps his arms around the boy, cradling him in his arms, carefully as if he was made of porcelain - vulnerable, breakable, fragile - as he nuzzles his nose in the soft hair.
They sit there silently without saying a word to each other, just the rhythmic beating of their hearts and the rhythmic sounds of their breathing. It might mean nothing to so many people but to Yoochun, it meant everything.
~
Even though the lawsuit is only a few days away by now, Changmin takes his hand one day and urges him with a slight smile on his face to follow him. With a surprised expression on his face, Yoochun obeys as he puts his jacket and shoes on. "You don't mind, Jaejoong-hyung?" Yoochun carefully asks when he sees the man lost in thoughts above a lot of papers and books.
"No, go have fun with Changmin," he instead smiles, "You should have some fun."
Yoochun feels bad because Jaejoong had been working so hard just for him these past days but he leaves obediently anyway, trying to suppress the guilty feeling in his stomach. He forgets about it when Changmin grabs his hand protectively when they're sitting in the car and Yoochun doesn't bother asking where they will go to, trusting whatever Changmin decides to do.
~
"An amusement park?" Yoochun asks, caution in his eyes. He actually doesn't like amusement parks, the associations bringing back blurry memories of the beginning of his hell. His mind jumbles back, confused feelings flashing through his body and his breath hitches when he once again thinks to feel those hands on his body, those hands slamming him to the ground, those lips crushing on his lips, those eyes, that mole, that hair. His insides turn cold at the sight of the park because the only thought that's flashing through his mind is Changmin betrayed me... He betrayed me. He's going to use me too, he's going to make me do those things again, why didn’t I see this coming, why did I-
However, before his thoughts are able to make things far worse than they really are, Changmin gently takes his hands and squats before him. His brown eyes are gentle, sweet, caring and his voice is low, deep, calm, "What are you thinking about? Jae and I thought it'd be a good idea if you would go out more, have some more fun. What's wrong? You don't like it?"
Yoochun swallows with much difficulty, not knowing what to think of Changmin's words. They sound so genuine, so caring, so worried but everything in his body is screaming that it's all a lie. That he had been fooled before, that it had been the beginning of his fucked up life (quite literally and figuratively) and that he shouldn’t be so stupid as to believe everything for a second time. He can’t believe that a place that normally filled children with joy, filled him with nothing but pure agony.
"What's wrong, Yoochun-ah?" a worried look appears on Changmin's face now that he's caught on of Yoochun inner terror. "We don't have to go if you don't want to, you don't have to feel scared."
"I-I..." Yoochun stammers, a deep blush appearing on his face. He doesn't want to disappoint Changmin, certainly not after all that he has done for him. But just the simple sight of an amusement park reduces him to a trembling state, cold sweat trickling down his back, heart almost jumping out of his chest. Blurry memories are still appearing in front of his eyes, moans of pleasure filling his ears, agonized screams of pain ripping through his mind. Hands touching whatever they can, brute fingers bruising his skin, heavy pants filling his ears, pain, pain, everywhere is pain, it's humiliating, it’s unbearable, it's-
"Yah, let's get out of here," Changmin interrupts his train of thoughts, grabbing his hand while he takes long strides back to the car, away from the hell. Only when Yoochun isn't able to hear the joyful music of the park anymore, only when the Ferris wheel almost disappears behind the green trees, only then does he realize that his legs have become like jelly, that his shirt is wet with sweat, that he has difficulties controlling his breathing, only then does he realize how scared he actually was.
"I'm sorry," he breathes when they're sitting in the car. Sorry for being a nuisance to you, sorry for doing nothing in return for your kindness, sorry for even thinking you were going to hurt me, sorry you have to put up with me, so so sorry for everything.
"It's okay," Changmin smiles instead, squeezing Yoochun's hand in encouragement. When the boy looks into his eyes, Yoochun's heart breaks a little. What could I have ever done to deserve so much kindness in my life? How can I ever pay you back? What is it that makes you care about this pathetic me? Yoochun wants to say it out loud but can't, is too much of a coward for it, so instead he just watches Changmin start the car and say, "It's okay. There are other ways to have fun. What would you like to do, Yoochun-ah? Tell me and we'll do it."
When Yoochun remains silent, Changmin starts driving anyway. "It's okay," he once again says, "If you can't think of anything, I will."
~
Instead of going to the amusement park, they went to the centre of Seoul. Yoochun had been there often enough but he had never realized how much fun he could actually have there. Never had he paid much attention to his surroundings as he’d always go with his mother who would take him by the hand and lead him to every store.
After they had eaten a quick something, they went out on the streets. Yoochun finds himself staring at the beautiful buildings, the windows with beautiful clothes, the stores with so many toys. Changmin sighs deeply, burying his hand in his pockets, nuzzling his nose in his scarf. "Let's look for some things for you," he smiles and Yoochun can't help himself but think that it doesn't matter what he'd do as long as Changmin was by his side.
~
When the doorbell rings later that day, Yoochun excitedly claims that he'll open the door. However, his excitement is short lived when he opens the door and sees that his mother has come here. He can’t help himself but think how gorgeous she actually looks, her black hair carefully pushed into a bun while her pale complexion enhances her dark eyes, rosy lips and raven hair. She looks as if she had the time of her life since he had left. "Hi," he says brusquely, not being able to shake this feeling of discomfort off. For a moment, he's happy that both Changmin and Jaejoong are at home but at the same time, he's embarrassed at himself for responding like this to the woman who had taken care of him for all these years.
"Hi," Yoochun realizes how much he has missed that sweet and soft voice, how much he had craved to hear that slightly melodious voice the past days. The weak reflections in his dreams were nothing compared to the real deal. “Mind if I come in?”
The right words didn’t seem to come to him. Yes, he minded. He wasn’t ready to talk to the woman who had chosen her husband over her own son, he wasn’t ready to talk to the woman who had decided that wealth was more important than blood. He just wasn’t ready. And yet, something in him was screaming that his mother had come to her senses, that she would be the loving woman again from his memories, that she regretted everything, that... that they could be a family again.
“We’d mind it very much if you’d enter actually,” Yoochun turns back to see the source of the voice, though he already knows it. The voice of Changmin is cold and distant and when the small boy looks his brother in the eyes, there’s nothing but disgust and hate in it. His gaze is so piercing that it makes Yoochun shrink even though he knows the emotions aren’t meant for him. “What do you want?”
“What, are you going to stop me from seeing my own son?” his mother snaps.
“You still dare to call him your son after everything what happened? He was no son to you, he was merely an object for you so you could live comfortably. You still dare to call yourself a mother? God, I can’t believe how he could have survived living surrounded by people as twisted as you and my father. If you don’t have anything else to say, please go. I don’t want to spend time cleaning Jaejoong’s house to get rid of cockroaches like you,” the voice of Changmin is harsh and filled with contempt. Even Yoochun can feel the shivers running down his spine and it surprises him that his mother's expression remains calm and cool, not even flinching at the vicious words.
"I don't have time to deal with children like you. Behave maturely, Changmin, put your feelings aside because I want to talk. Is this how you behave towards your guests?" his mother replied calmly. Yoochun can't help himself but listen to the melodious voice of his mother, a feeling of safety running through his body even though he knows he shouldn't let his guard down.
"Keep it short," Changmin snarls, chagrin painting his face as he steps aside to let the woman enter the house. She takes place at the dining table without a word, not even bothering to take her jacket off.
"So what do you want?" Changmin asks brusquely, not bothering to sit down at the table even though the woman gestured him to. Instead, he's standing in the room, his arms crossed, while his eyes seem to be able to burn a hole in the table.
"We both know that this lawsuit is going to end badly. You don't have a lot of money and your father is trying his hardest to frame you. This shouldn't come as news but he is trying a lot right now. With his money and influence, don't you think it's hard to win from him?"
Yoochun doesn't dare to breathe, eyeing the spectacle with absolute fear. He had always trusted Changmin, always thought he would be able to protect him, to save him from his past. But even Changmin couldn't fight enemies as big as his father. Even though Yoochun’s memories were tainted now with the most painful things, he clearly remembers the love he once had for his stepfather.
"You're right," Changmin says and Yoochun can feel his heart sink, "He's trying his hardest to frame me, I know what kind of person he actually is. He has more money than me, he can get the best lawyer in the country, he is trying everything possible to prevent himself from ending in jail. But he shouldn't underestimate me. He doesn't know what I'm capable of and he only remembers the scared boy who ran off to the army just because his life had turned into a nightmare. I'm no longer that scared boy who runs away from his problems.
I know father has a lot of influence. But is he sure that's his weapon? Pride will have a fall - when a person has a great weapon, it'll be easy for him to overestimate himself. He should be careful his greatest weapon isn't going to stab him in the back," Changmin concludes.
"I see. Your father always says you were a great student and I can see why," Yoochun's mother says slowly, thinking the words over, "But with your intelligence shouldn't you be able to see the consequences? I'm here to offer you a deal... Let's stop this nonsense, okay? Children shouldn't go against their parents. Your father has thought about it; he's willing to pretend that nothing has happened, he's willing to let you go even though he knows he'll win in the lawsuit, he's willing to finance everything - apartment, studies, food, everything - for you if you drop this lawsuit. What do you think about it?"
“Oh, so the Great Lord is willing to forgive me if I drop this lawsuit? Even though he thinks he has almost acquired a win?” Changmin says sarcastically, “He's willing to pay for everything - doesn't this make me nothing else than one of the other people he has paid to talk lies? I won't allow it. I won't let Yoochun return to that awful place and live with you. I'd rather die than do that. I want justice; justice for my mother, justice for my stepbrother, justice for me. I will never allow my father to get away with ruining one’s childhood, with rape and murder. I will never allow you to get away with selling out your own child, with ruining your own flesh and blood.”
“If that’s your decision...” Yoochun watches his mother heave a sigh. “Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.”
She abruptly stands up, gathering her bag before abruptly leaving the building. Yoochun can’t keep his eyes off her back, off the bouncing bun on the back of her head. Pain shoots through his body as he realizes she doesn’t even bother to give him one last look.
~
It’s only five day before the hearing that Yoochun finally meets the witness Changmin had mentioned a few times. She had been at their home a few times already but he had always been at school and missed the chance to meet her. When he finally sees who she really is, he’s surprised. It was someone he only knew by face because she was one of the maids of his father and he’s surprised to see that she’s willing to testify against her boss for him.
“I’m Yoochun,” he says, bowing. He’s slightly flustered - not a single time had he thought that someone inside the house would have known about everything. The girl introduces herself as Kim Taeyeon. Their introductions are followed by a silence, one where both don’t know what to say or where to look at, until Jaejoong breaks it.
“We’ve been talking about it for quite long, Yoochun,” he says, “and we think it might be better if you won’t witness against your own parents.”
A shocked expression appears on Yoochun’s face as he tries to process the news. “Why?” he says, refusing to believe the words.
“I think you’ll feel too pressured. It isn’t necessary for you to testify against both your parents and we don’t think you’ll have to carry that kind of burden as well... Instead, how about we go with you to a psychiatrist to take a test? They’ll ask you some things to see if you’ve truly had any sexual interaction with people and this will help us support our case,” Jaejoong says, his eyes so gentle that it makes Yoochun feel bad for being such a burden to the man.
“I-I won’t break,” he raises his voice, tries to appear stronger than he actually feels. Stubbornly, he adds a determined, “I can do it.”
“No, you can’t,” Jaejoong however insists. “I won’t waste any more time on this discussion. The best way for you to help us is to take that test so we can convince the judges.”
Yoochun wants to resist but when he sees the determined look in Jaejoong’s eyes, he lets his head hang in disappointment. However, a hand strokes his hair gently and he hears the older man say, “Don’t feel bad. Everything is going to end well. We... we want to show you something. The proof Taeyeon has. We can’t and we won’t use it in the lawsuit without getting your approval first.”
Yoochun’s heart almost stops beating when he realizes the importance of having Taeyeon on his side in the lawsuit. His body starts trembling uncontrollably as her evidence is presented to him, the proof which they all needed to win this lawsuit, and it leaves his body numb, powerless.
“Are you okay?” Jaejoong asks worriedly and, even though his eyes are dark because of what they’ve all just heard, his hand is outstretched to support the trembling boy. “If you don’t want this to be presented in court, we won’t do it. We’re serious about it.”
“N-no,” Yoochun tries to breathe properly, tries to think, tries to feel anything other than pure terror. He takes a deep breath, trying to stabilize the turmoil inside his body, “No. Let’s-let’s use it. Let’s win this case.”
~
The day of the trial had finally arrived. Somehow, the media had discovered that today there’d be a trial involving a big figure. It scared Yoochun how much of the rumours published in the newspapers actually were true - they seemed to know almost everything, except for the name of person ‘A’. It scared him that the newspapers even knew of Changmin’s existence - who happened to be person ‘C’ - and his return from the army.
Just the thought that a man would mercilessly use his stepson for his own sexual pleasures had stirred so much outrage that Yoochun was glad that he was still underage and that the hearing would be closed for outsiders. He was a little bit scared for the media and even for the people who seemed to support him.
The boy had tried his hardest to appear decently. He had borrowed a suit from Jaejoong and the sizes were pretty off. Jaejoong's shoulders were much broader than his, his waist much smaller and his legs much taller. Changmin laughs nervously when he sees Yooochun because it's like he’s looking at a boy who had played around with his father's clothes. To hide the awkwardness of the big clothes, they decide to take off the jacket with its broad shoulders. The size of Jaejoong's pants wasn't as off as of his jacket and they decide to go with it.
"Don't be nervous," Changmin says softly, taking his hand to squeeze it in encouragement, "We will be right next to you. Everything is going to be alright."
~
“Today we’ve gathered here to talk about the case of Shim Dongmin, Park Hana and Park Yoochun.”
Yoochun swallows nervously, listening to Jaejoong’s soft but stern voice presenting the reason of the lawsuit. That Hana had used her own son to live comfortably, that Dongmin had raped his stepson so many times, that Yoochun had fallen victim to two adults who had no idea of any moral codes. That Hana had taken Yoochun out to clients starting from when he was seven, that she later married Dongmin and that he’d take advantage of the boy each Thursday after having told his son that it was for ‘bonding’. To close his story, he presents the judge the result of the test Yoochun had taken a few days earlier - the test that had pointed out that he truly had sexual interaction with other people. Yoochun takes a shivering breath as the first witness, his stepfather, takes place to testify.
“Name?” - “Shim Dongmin.”, “Date of birth?” - “5 May 1964,” and then the trial really started.
“I met Park Hana something more than a year ago. I knew she had a son but I didn’t know what kind of person he really was after I had ended up marrying her. He always wanted attention, even when we both were busy. We went to the hospital because we were wondering if he might have ADHD but it ended up being something different - he had histrionic personality disorder. Persons with this disorder want a lot of attention, want to be the centre of everything. This is often caused by a traumatic event in the youth and we assumed that the death of his father was the cause but of course, we couldn’t be sure.
Hana and I tried a lot to help Yoochun. I tried to bond with him - I never tried to replace his father but rather, I tried to become a second father to him. I never thought that this would lead to a lawsuit. I have never touched Yoochun in an inappropriate way. The times he claims to have fallen victim to me are a lie, created by him in order to get more attention. I don’t know what kind of lies he has just told everyone but I do have a rough idea.
I tried to help Yoochun by bonding with him every Thursday. I would try to become the second father he seemed to need so desperately but I never forced myself on him or even touched him inappropriately. I never let him pleasure me nor did I touch him.
I can’t believe a child is going this far to get some attention. My lawyer has the document with our hospital and treatment bills and the specification of the reason behind our visits,” Dongmin finished.
Yoochun couldn’t believe his ears. Suddenly, he had changed from the victim into the culprit. He gritted his teeth, unbelieving how much a little bit of money could actually do in this world. A little bit of money and a fake document could be created. A little bit of money and the guilty became innocent, the innocent guilty.
“We’ll accept the evidence. Please begin your cross-examination,” the judge nodded once again.
Yoochun’s heart was beating so loudly he was sure everyone in the room could hear. He looked intensely at Jaejoong, Jaejoong who was carefully studying the fake document in his hands. Then, the man stood up and started asking questions.
“When you’d bond every Thursday, what did you do?”
“We would watch a movie, watch soccer, watch some programmes on television. Sometimes, I would just tell him about myself, my wife, my son. I would try to make him talk about his father as well but that was a little bit harder. This only strengthened my belief that Yoochun hadn’t completely gotten over the death of his father.”
Yoochun’s breathing was harsh, his hands balled into tight fists. How did this bastard dare to use his father for his own tricks.
“Why are you so sure that the reason behind this lawsuit is because of the Thursdays you’ve spent time with Yoochun? In the letter you received concerning this lawsuit, there were no specific dates of rape mentioned. If you truly haven’t done anything to Yoochun and if it’s true that Yoochun is lying, how would you know that the dates we’ve mentioned were, indeed, Thursdays? This is really suspicious,” Jaejoong narrows his eyes as he speaks, trying to pinpoint the flaws in the story Dongmin had made up.
“It-it’s because I have no idea about what other days he could have been talking about. I have to work a lot and it’s not very often that I’m at home - the only days I’d interact with Yoochun were Thursday evenings when I’d make time to have some fun with him. I thought... I tried to rationalize it.”
“But why should you rationalize this? Don’t you have proof-,” Jaejoong holds up the hospital bills, “-that Yoochun has an illness in his head? People who think of lies to get attention don’t rationalize. They just talk and every time, they say something different. They always alter their story to fit the circumstances. There’s no need to rationalize everything and if nothing has ever happened between you two like you’re claiming, that truly was a good guess on your part. Because there’s quite the possibility that Yoochun didn’t mention any date, he could have said it’d have happened on random days. Even if it happened on one standard day - which you couldn’t be sure about - there’s still a 1:7 chance you’d guess the right day. He could have even claimed that it happened just once! Your testimony is based on the fact that it happened on Thursdays but if you truly are innocent, you can’t be sure about that.”
The judge nods, turning his head to Dongmin. “Very well, do you have anything to say on this?”
“I-I can only say that it was a good guess. I have speculated about it, tried to rationalize it and it seemed that I’ve guessed right,” Dongmin laughs nervously. The judge only nods as he writes something down and even though his expression is unreadable, Yoochun knows this can’t be good for his stepfather.
“Please continue.”
Jaejoong once again starts speaking. “Also, if I remember correctly, Changmin - your son - came back from the army just a month ago. Can I please ask why he’s going to testify against you in this trial? Why is he choosing Yoochun’s side, someone he barely knows after getting out of the army, someone he holds absolute no blood ties with - unlike he has with you.”
“That’s a good question which I again can’t answer. Shouldn’t you ask Changmin why? Personally, I think it’s because he wants my money.”
“Very well,” Jaejoong says, frowning as he realizes he can’t get further on this point. He decides to approach it from another angle, a change of tactic. “Wasn’t it hard for Yoochun to cope with the return of his stepbrother? Wasn’t it hard for him to have an even smaller part of your attention?”
“I think that’s exactly the reason of Yoochun’s lies. The day Changmin returned, Yoochun changed. My wife and I were busy the whole day - my wife was cleaning the house, cooking, tidying everything. I was at work and immediately after that, I went to pick Changmin up. I think it was hard for Yoochun to cope with it because after the return of my son, he didn’t get as much attention as he used to get.”
“So you didn’t go anywhere the day Changmin returned from the army?”
“No.” A firm objection.
“Could you tell me the date he returned?”
“11 November 2011, quite the easy date to remember,” Dongmin said determinedly.
“That’s strange. It says that Yoochun went to his psychiatrist for one of his treatments at the 11th of November. Don’t tell me you let a twelve year old go to the psychiatrist on his own?” Jaejoong says, the papers in his hand.
“...” A silence that makes Yoochun’s heart almost jump out of his chest. There should be some gaps in Dongmin’s story since all of it obviously was a lie, all of the evidence fake, but it was a different story to see them pointed out in a story that seemed to be flawless. It made Yoochun realize how big of a weapon language actually was. “No, that’s because-because one of our maids took him. Even though the presence of us, his parents, is often required, it wasn’t at that time. Sometimes children find it easier to talk about their feelings in front of someone they have no connections with.”
“What’s your part in the treatment that Yoochun gets?”
“I... We talk about him and his feelings. We try to listen to him and we try to create a solution that seems fit for him. We try to understand him.”
“Dear Dongmin-sshi, you obviously are telling a lie right now. As far as I know, HPD treatments are private ones. It's strongly advised not to go along with the patient as a parent because patients tend to exaggerate things in front of people they know,” Jaejoong says, “The medical information you just gave me says the same thing. ‘Treatment for this disorder is difficult but therapy seems to be the most helpful. It's discouraged for parents to go along because this will only stimulate the child to exaggerate things.’”
Another silence. Yoochun liked the sound of his father's silences.
"I admit it," Yoochun's heart started beating faster and faster at the sound of what possibly could be the confession of his stepfather. I lied, Yoochun is healthy and I did everything he said I did. "I never attended one of those therapies. My wife brought him there while I was busy working. I wouldn't know what has happened behind the scenes because I didn't go to the therapies."
It angered Yoochun that his father had taken so many preparations to make him look like a mad man. Jaejoong was firing question after question, trying to make the testimony crumble, but even he could do only so much against a lot of money. However, Yoochun knows they’re going to win... at least, win against Dongmin. The next witness was Taeyeon and even though the evidence she was carrying would determine the outcome of this case, even though he wanted nothing else but win this case, he already started to feel nervous at the thought of the evidence being shown in court.
"Your testimony, please."
"I've been working for the Shims for two years. It was a good job and I was scared to lose it. I did a fair amount of house chores but that isn't really interesting for this case," she laughs nervously, "One day, Yoochun had fallen ill. I had to take care of him. That night, when his mother was gone for her salsa classes, his father arrived. He immediately went upstairs and I didn't think more about it.
When I, too, went upstairs to check on Yoochun, I saw something I shouldn't have. It-it was hauntingly scary. He was touching his own son, his son who had fallen ill and was used in his weakest moments. Yoochun's eyes were half lidded, his cheeks flushed and I'm not sure if he remembers it at all but he was crying and screaming, whispering for it to stop.
I was frozen to the ground. My body refused to do anything as I watched it happen in front of my eyes.
Only when I saw him truly intruding Yoochun, only when I heard an agonizing scream rip from his throat... only then was I able to move my body. The scream would hunt me for weeks, months, just like the guilt I felt for not doing anything for such a small boy.
I was too scared to lose my job back then. I needed the money to take care for my family and even though it went against my moral beliefs, I did nothing.
The sounds I sometimes heard from Yoochun's room made me feel guilty. I wanted to change my work days so I didn't have to be reminded constantly of my cowardice. However, it wasn't possible and I just tried to go upstairs as least as possible.
Changmin came back from the army and it was my first time meeting the young master. His constant arguing with his father made me suspect that he knew more of the dark side of the man than I would know. But of course, I didn't say anything.
I had finally convinced myself to do something about it. Guilt was eating me up and I wanted to go to the police station, wanted justice for the poor boy who was too innocent for this. However, I was scared nobody would believe me if I'd go - after all, I'm a nobody compared to Shim Dongmin. I-I decided to do something bold, something I still don't believe I actually did.
It was already late at night but I was still awake, busy reading one of my books. It was only when I heard soft footsteps and the sound of someone opening a door of a room I knew wasn’t my master’s, that I knew I had to do something. My heart almost jumped out of my chest but I decided to gather all my courage to finally do something good. Standing at the door, just hearing the sounds alone... it made me feel so angry. I wanted to storm into the room, confront the man, save the poor boy. But at the same time, the very image of my own family came into mind, the family I had to take care of.
It’s... I’m ashamed to say this out loud but again, I was a coward. I had been so resolute just a few seconds ago but when it was the moment of truth, I really couldn’t and I truly hated myself for not being able to help Yoochun. In-in that moment of self-despise and fear, I decided to overcome my powerlessness. I-I recorded everything. I have no idea what got into me that night but I did it without thinking - I wanted to go to the police station later that night to hand them the recording anonymously, had it not been that Changmin discovered me.
When he saw what happened in front of him, he couldn't contain his anger and burst into the room. I-I have the recording with me right now, I think it's enough proof for what truly happened inside the house," Taeyeon ended her story. She handed over her mobile phone with the recording on it and Yoochun's heart stopped beating when he heard the sound of ragged breathings and muffled screams fill the room. There was the sound of gagging followed by a low voice shh, don't cry baby don't cry. The voice was low enough to not be recognized but the second time the man spoke, it was undoubtedly Dongmin; I’m so glad at least one of my sons still love me.
There's nothing else but the sound of ragged breathing until an agonizing scream fills the room. Yoochun flinches at the sound of his own voice in pain, tears streaming soundlessly over his cheeks. He feels nauseous, disgusted. Please... st-stop... the voice is drenched with tears, too tired to raise its volume, reduced to whispers. Still, the voice is audible enough for it to be recognized as his own.
After that, a range of different sounds fill the room. Yoochun flinches, turning away his face in shame. The recording seems to go on for forever and ever, pants, moans, whimpers from a painful occurrence filling the room.
The cross-examination begins once again but Yoochun knows they've won. It was impossible to talk away proof that was this solid. The rest of the lawsuit was only show, a procedure to hear everyone's voices, a chance to spew some lies in order to lessen the punishment.
Dongmin couldn't think of a believable excuse other than 'It's fake! They're trying to frame me!' but the biggest surprise was from Hana who admitted to her crimes.
“I’m Park Hana, Yoochun’s mother. But never have I behaved like a mom to him - I admit that...” his mother halts her words, looking for the right words, maybe even hesitating if she should admit to the last bit of humanity left in her or if she should just lie. Even Yoochun knows she’d be able to get away with it if she’d just keep denying everything - after all, there was no evidence for her crimes. It’d be his word against hers. She takes a deep breath, “I admit that I’ve lived off of my son for all these years. I’ve allowed him to get used by many many men, it’d scare you to hear the actual number. I’ve lost track of it too... I only cared about myself, I felt wronged by my husband who died leaving behind so many debts.
Yoochun... he looks exactly like my ex-husband. Every time I’d look at his face, I’d see the bastard who had caused me to live so miserably.
I wanted him to pay for it. When I got the chance to earn money, I grabbed it with both hands, not thinking about the health of my child. I was selfish, even now I still am. I wanted Yoochun to pay for the mistakes of his father... I-I used him,” Hana is crying, genuine remorse written all over her face. Yoochun isn’t even able to utter a single word - surprised to hear that this was the reason for all his suffering, surprised that it was something this twisted that had ruined his life.
“I’m willing to undergo every punishment you give me. I know not one of them is going to be enough for the pain I’ve inflicted on my own flesh and blood, I know not one of them is going to make these past years good and I know not one of them is going to turn me into a good mother ever again. But still, I’d feel wronged if I wouldn’t receive any punishment - I won't be able to face my son ever again.”
Yoochun feels sick inside but somewhat, he is glad that it's all finally over.
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A/N: Kind of nervous D/ I hope I didn't drop anything important.
It took me awfully long to write this lol :'D Sorry for the long wait, I hope you thought it was worth it.
There'll be an epilogue, I'm not sure when I'll post it but I guess soon.
Also, a belated happy New Year to everyone! :>