I can tell you what my parents did... my great-grandmother was a wonderful woman, but was definitely a product of her time and region. She, thankfully, did not have any problems with my mom marrying someone who was half Native American... but had a lifetime of not censoring herself about African Americans to deal with. I grew up knowing absolutely none of this, despite being very close to her. The reason? When I was two, my parents took me down to visit my grandparents and great-grandparents for the first time and after the first comment, my mom pulled my great-grandmother aside and told her point blank: If you ever use that language around my daughter, you will never see her again
( ... )
I may well lay down that ultimatum, but given past track records, I'm not confident that it'll go well. I've asked my dad to not pick political fights with me, for instance, and he'll do well on that for a while, but then can't help himself
( ... )
I think discovering that 'Them' that are haters/racist/bigots can also be technically family is a revelation that everyone has at some point.
It blew my mind when I heard a relative saying something horrible when I was a teenager. I completely wasn't expecting it because mean people were someone else, some vague 'other', and not family. If that makes any sense.
I think everyone has that creepy Uncle Charlie thing going on, yeah. It's pretty much my whole family, though. Lucky me. The sane ones are the exception, not the rule.
Thusfar, I've managed to get by by simply distancing myself from them. I'd be a black sheep anyway if they realized I'm a queer, feminist non-churchgoing librul, so there's no point in trying to be honest with them in the service of trying to have a decent relationship. But now that the concept of legal family is going beyond me and M, I'm having to reassess how I think of them and decide how I navigate that topic with my kid. She's going to know why she doesn't live with her birthfamily, but she'll also somehow need to know why we don't spend any time with ours. I guess maybe the best way to put it to her is that our families weren't able to take care of us, either, so we were "adopted" by our friends instead.
Meh. I'll find a way around it. It's just really upsetting to be reminded of how non-awesome my parents really are.
Just a short comment to which I hope you will pay attention. You haven't noticed how far we have progressed in the last 20 years or so. I have no problem with your life or your beliefs. You have a right to your life and the way you want to live it as do we. You're a grown women. Quit blaming us for everything.
Calling you out on your racism isn't "blaming" you for anything related to me. It's pointing out that you can be astonishingly insensitive to the needs of people who are different from you. You treat the entire world like it's some sort of us v. them game. It's exhausting to be around, because I never know who you're going to consider an enemy next.
I just wish for once you'd take some responsibility for the hurtful things you say and do, instead of blaming other people for being hurt by them, as if it's their fault that you're treating them with disrespect.
I'm not saying you're a bad person. I don't believe you are, and I don't think you mean to hurt people. But you do, and instead of taking a step back and reconsidering your behavior, you get defensive, which just makes everything worse. Asking you to be more considerate of others--especially others who are already on the business end of a lot of crap, is not an attack. Please stop acting like it is.
Oh, I forgot. We really like Aireyel and have no problem with who she is. And she calls every once in a while to chat and tell us she loves us. That's more than you do.
Perfect example: instead of taking responsibility for your actions, you're trying to turn this into an indictment of me.
How much contact I have with you is not the issue. It's your own behavior. You need to learn how to take ownership of that, instead of acting like you're being unfairly persecuted.
Again, I don't think you're a bad person, and I do care about you. But when you do something hurtful, I'm going to call you on it.
Once again you're twisting things and posting lies so you can feel better about yourself. Out of all the family and the hundreds of people we know you are the only one that thinks we are terrible. Maybe, just maybe, it's not our problem. Even the family counseler we went to stated it was not our problem.
You might consider staying in touch with your mother. She still loves you in spite of all the lies. I, however, don't have enough years left to waste any time on a whiny, self absorbed, ungrateful wretch who has to tear others down to feel better about herslf. I'm sorry it has come to this but I can no longer handle your hurtful lies.
I don't even know where to start with this, except to point out that once again, you're trying to make this about me instead of taking responsibility for your own behavior. You've never been able to take criticism, even when it comes from a place of love
( ... )
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It blew my mind when I heard a relative saying something horrible when I was a teenager. I completely wasn't expecting it because mean people were someone else, some vague 'other', and not family. If that makes any sense.
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Thusfar, I've managed to get by by simply distancing myself from them. I'd be a black sheep anyway if they realized I'm a queer, feminist non-churchgoing librul, so there's no point in trying to be honest with them in the service of trying to have a decent relationship. But now that the concept of legal family is going beyond me and M, I'm having to reassess how I think of them and decide how I navigate that topic with my kid. She's going to know why she doesn't live with her birthfamily, but she'll also somehow need to know why we don't spend any time with ours. I guess maybe the best way to put it to her is that our families weren't able to take care of us, either, so we were "adopted" by our friends instead.
Meh. I'll find a way around it. It's just really upsetting to be reminded of how non-awesome my parents really are.
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I just wish for once you'd take some responsibility for the hurtful things you say and do, instead of blaming other people for being hurt by them, as if it's their fault that you're treating them with disrespect.
I'm not saying you're a bad person. I don't believe you are, and I don't think you mean to hurt people. But you do, and instead of taking a step back and reconsidering your behavior, you get defensive, which just makes everything worse. Asking you to be more considerate of others--especially others who are already on the business end of a lot of crap, is not an attack. Please stop acting like it is.
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How much contact I have with you is not the issue. It's your own behavior. You need to learn how to take ownership of that, instead of acting like you're being unfairly persecuted.
Again, I don't think you're a bad person, and I do care about you. But when you do something hurtful, I'm going to call you on it.
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You might consider staying in touch with your mother. She still loves you in spite of all the lies. I, however, don't have enough years left to waste any time on a whiny, self absorbed, ungrateful wretch who has to tear others down to feel better about herslf. I'm sorry it has come to this but I can no longer handle your hurtful lies.
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