(Untitled)

[tezza]

I'm considering moving back home at some point. To give a Coles Notes summary, there's some stuff going on with my dad over the next year that I feel kind of guilty that I'm not here for (I don't want to get into it on the Internet), plus I'm going to be an aunt in May and my cousin is having a baby in June. So these things are all weighing heavily

Comments

[the_lar]

Yeah... You know my opinion on your mom... But to answer your other questions: no, my parents have never given me grief for moving at any point. We also spoke roughly weekly in the phone and exchanged emails every few days while I was away. There was one point where dad assumed I would be coming home for my entire summer between courses, and he got sad when I pointed out that that wouldn't be feasible, but he didn't say boo about it. It was kind of sweet, actually.

Your mom is going to be angry/complainy/guilting you about something regardless of whether you're here or there. It's in her nature. So if you're moving home do it for you because you think it's right for you. You probs don't want to move home and feel that's it's wrong for you AND have your mom stressing you out about something anyway.

You can always hide at my house though. ❤

[casvsbelli]

My parents have never given me direct grief, but at different points various family members have made it obvious that it makes things difficult for them or whatever. I still feel guilty for missing all the things I do, but your gut is right.. if you don't want to be there, you shouldn't be there. Make it home when it's possible and feels good to you but don't ever let someone pressure you into moving somewhere you aren't sure you want to be. You have to be in the place where you live EVERY DAY so make it worthwhile.

[nineteensixteen]

I don't really know how to respond to this; I think I need the same advice that you do.

My family guilts me ALL of the time about not living home. Most of them do seem to still support my choices, so that helps, but it makes being both home and away super stressful.

I have been considering moving home again for a while now. I guess technically now I have, sort of? But now that I'm here for Christmas I don't know what to think. It's exhausting and the thought of running around with/for my family all of the time and being available for guilt-inundation every day (as opposed to once a week + Christmas while I'm living away) is terrifying.

I honestly can't tell anymore if it's the guilt or a genuine want to be back here. I hope you figure it out better than I have (;

[tezza]

That's exactly where I am. It's hard to know if it's my own choice or just fixing the guilt that I feel. I wish it was easy!

[casvsbelli]

NO IT IS GUILT. At least it is for me. A quick trip home is more than enough to remind me why I need to be where I am. Not just because I have better, more fulfilling relationships with my family this way but because it allows me to pursue the things I want/need to pursue. I think that could easily apply to what you're hoping to do with your life.

Honestly the guilt doesn't go anywhere if you live at home. People who try to change you and adjust your life to fit what they want will ALWAYS want you to keep changing and find something you should do differently.

[copperhill]

Oh, my folks are very critical of my decision to move from Newfoundland. My mother routinely sends me job postings for jobs in Newfoundland, and reminds me constantly that I'm missing out on my niece's growth, and that family is the most important thing.

This is a little irritating in light of the fact that my parents moved around the country for 25 years before going back to the island. Nonetheless, the whole episode living in Toronto (actually the whole episode living on my own) is considered some sort of rumspringa. My solution is to visit less.

[casvsbelli]

Yeah there's definitely a built-in assumption that if you're a good Newfoundlander you'll "always end up home" which I find a bit painful. Sigh.

[cynosur]

All the time. I haven't lived home since 2002 and I go maybe once a year. It's only a 350km drive, but being around my mother is pretty toxic for me. Our relationship does much better when it's phone based a few times a week.

Can you move home but rent? I considered that between my Adam debacle and Todd. It wasn't ideal for me though, since the Cape Breton job scene is absolutely awful. (Even though my mom sent me job postings all the time. Some of them were so out of my field I wasn't sure what she was smoking.)

I think a parent wouldn't be doing his or her job right if they didn't sort of wish you were there. But expressing it the way she has isn't fair. She sounds kind of shitty to be honest. She is only 58, and she is turning herself in already? Sounds like she clearly needs help for mental illness or something :( that's so hard to deal with, especially when she puts that on you.

My advice is be straightforward and honest with her. I do it in emails a lot now since I get too blubbery over the phone. But it's really important to make