I am so successful in love and in career and school and family.

And I still think every night maybe I should just cut open my arms and stop living.

At least I haven't acted on those thoughts in years.

God it's incredible how much I hate myself.

In every way.

Sometimes I forget that healing is a long process.
Some days I feel like a totally normal and well-adjusted human,
and other days I can't even open my eyes.
Sometimes, when I have a really good day, I think
"Hey! This is it! It's over! I'm alive!"
And suddenly
roaring silence.

Square one.

Sometimes I try to do something creative, and then I remember "Oh, right, I'm totally worthless," and then I curl up in a ball and cry.

I've always had this pipe dream of opening up a bakery. I'd love to own one with my sister, and we'd call it something punny having to do with Grimm. And we'd both work side by side, and people would come from far towns to try our confections. We could serve coffees too, maybe, and I'd hang my artwork on the walls, and maybe people would buy it ( Read more... )

I lean forward, gently extending my fingers to grasp the sandy numbness encircling my feet, and my spine creaks like new leather. My bones move as frozen gears. I breathe in fully and feel my ribcage expand. I expel the tainted breath slowly, but with force. A deep aching radiates from my gut. I lay folded in on myself ( Read more... )

He keeps telling me I can do better, that I'm meant for more, that I deserve the world.
I doubt every silvery word that falls from his perfect teeth.
I will never be a worthy companion.

I was an expert at making peanut butter sandwiches. They were always perfect, the right ratio of spread to bread.

I used to make them all the time, until one day someone mentioned, "Hey this sandwich is great, but... why don't you add jelly?" So I added grape jelly, and this new sandwich was pretty good. Debatably better than the peanut butter alone ( Read more... )

I ruin everything I love and everything that is good for me by pushing it away.
I'm shocked that I've ever even had any relationships.
I'm so bad at them. I'm terrible.
I don't deserve a person who loves me.

You thought it was over.
It is never over.

It's sometimes easier for me to shut out everyone and everything I love.

In other news, the college graduate life is honestly pretty sweet. All I do is work and bang.