you know what i am afraid of the most? being alone for the rest of my life. i dont wanna jump into a relationship and get married tomorrow but i dont feel like its gonna happen ever. i had this fear when i was little. but it got better and my confidence grew. but i am back to where i was but its worse. cause i think about when my parents die..what ( Read more... )

so its time to write again. and i really dont care who sees this. i write because it helps me think things out. and lately i should be writing a lot more. i really miss joe. if i look at a picture of him and me i start to cry. i cant believe he is gone. but then again reality is settin in and he is gone and not coming back. what i would give just ( Read more... )

i still cant believe this.

yesterday was the first day i havent cried in i dunno how long..i feel weird. i thought about him yesterday...how can i not...but i didnt cry...i guess thats a good thing...but i also avoided some stuff yesterday that i knew would make me cry. i guess i am goin into the "acceptance" stage...weird.

so i put on fx and something about mary is on...then i go up one channel to comedy central and dogma is on..then i go up one more channel and night at the roxbury is on. weird. three of joe's favorite movies. this is the shit that gets me. i am convinced i will never be ok. every day i cry at least once. everything reminds me of him. and soo much ( Read more... )

2006 went by entirely too fast. this was my year to slow things down and just chill. i def did but it flew by. just because its a new year doesnt mean it erases what happened last year. things will never be the same no matter what. lately all i have been wantin is to be alone..but the past few days i was dreading goin back to school. i'm alone.. ( Read more... )

so i had 2 finals today. totally didnt study for them. one was a comp thingie..kinda easy. doesnt really matter if i do bad cause in the class cause i have like a 99. yeah. then there was business organization and management. i shouldve studied. it was 50 true false..which i absolutely hate. and 50 multiple choice. then 2 extra credit essays. so i ( Read more... )

when i go home i want real pizza. garbage pizza...which i know joe will eat with me and salad or stuffed pizza. scallop potatoes. brownies. and any other real food i can get ( Read more... )

i hate having my time wasted. i hate being lied to. why cant i get someone that wants me for me. and wont pull this stupid shit every fucken time.

as u know i am not in a good mood. havent really been in a good mood in a while. so i went back a yr and read all my journal entries from then til now. its seriously amazing the stuff i was doin around this time last yr. the shit i was involved in. so then i went back even further..i had to stop in april..it was too much for me. but seriously last ( Read more... )