-
The State of the Union
Now, I realize that being patriotic isn’t exactly the hip thing to do anymore, but that leaves us with the quandary of dealing with all those cute American flags we put in our car windows just after 9/11. A lot of people started burning them, but when our nation’s unity went up in smoke and flame, it created a lot of acid rain in Canada. So, a ( Read more... ) -
I Hate the Word LOL
The Internet is the worst thing to ever happen to the human race. Natural disasters weep with shame as they watch the World Wide Web snake its way across the globe. Hell, Hitler shit himself when he saw the Infobahn coming. In 1978, the UK’s General Post Office, Western Union International, and California-based Tymnet collaborated to form the ( Read more... ) -
Daniel Craig is the Ultimate Manly Man
James Bond. The Renaissance Man of the modern age. Part Hercules, part Theseus, part Adonis, part egotistical, women-demeaning prick, all kick-ass representation of all things manly ( Read more... ) -
I Am Pro-Abortion
Berate me not, you arrogant pro-life bastard, with talk of babies' rights to live long and prosper. Your argument is invalid by default, considering at this point you have no idea whether or not that baby isn't going to do something to void its humanity anyway, like lead lightning marches against the Jews or become a pompous, self-righteous prick ( Read more... ) -
Psychobabble Theater
This little piece came to me on a whim. I forgot why and how. Basically, a short excerpt, told in increments, of an obnoxious kid talking to a psychologist, written in the form of a script rather than a narrative to keep things simple ( Read more... ) -
The Biggest, Baddest Immigrant of Them All
In the wake of the downfall of communism in the western hemisphere, masses of newly freed, chaotically liberated Cubans have taken to the water, legally constructing makeshift rafts to drift slowly but surely to greater opportunity offered in the United States. Unfortunately, conservatives could never have planned for the insanity that was to come ( Read more... ) -
John Almighty
Even I don't have time to think up cutesie lil' entries every other week. So, I'm just going to treat you to a few snippets of an essay I did for Theology. You can't ask me for anything more ( Read more... ) -
Twenty-Eighth Amendment repeals Twenty-First
I start, as always, with a news summary because I’m the only member of my age group that listens to public radio. Attempted coordinated terrorist attack on British planes making a trip into the US using liquid based explosives, twenty-something conspirators apprehended, mass security panic, US flights to Britain are in the red, everything else in ( Read more... ) -
After a long hard century, communism finally meets its maker
Viva Cuba libre! Dance in the streets and feast on mass quantities of rice and chicken, Cubano-Americanos! You’ve earned it. After almost fifty years of hating Marxism-Castroism from afar (as McCarthy intended), your efforts have at last paid off. By concentrating forcibly, you managed to make Fidel’s innards burst, leading him into what was ( Read more... ) -
Weerrrrrr, weerrrrrr. World War VII is in full effect!
You heard me, Gengrich, ya scaly little amphibious offshoot of REAL lizards. WW VII (7, for those of you more bound by our Arabic Numeral system) is upon us! Some of you are (I know for a fact) wondering, “John…what the hell are Arabic Numerals?” Worry you not, for I’ll answer your question with a brief history of every World War we’ve faced up to ( Read more... )