i tend to forget about my livejournal in times of extreme chaos lately? which probably actually is healthy compared to "how am i going to word this when i write about it ( Read more... )

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winter's instant distribution of fake heat makes me feel faint and flushed with illness. it's hot cold hot cold reminding me of us and what i want is something to just stay. i hold my knees to my chest in bathtubs filled with scalding water and all i dream about is leaving. running away. i know there is something outside my reach. i've seen it in ( Read more... )

i have fallen in love with someone i can't have. or maybe i'm just vulnerable. either way, i have a date with someone else and i'm not sure i can put my heart into it.

today is rainy and i think i will skip classes and go to the library to work on my english paper. burying my head in books will maybe make me forget that i have nobody to hold my

a boy from boston came to visit me for five nights in october while my mother was on vacation. and every night we were at my house we slept together in my bed. i fell asleep to his breathing patterns and memorized his little habits. he hand-rolled cigarettes for me. and every time he looked at me, he held my face the way i've always wanted it and ( Read more... )

Oh LiveJournal,

You and I have been together, inseperable really, for going on four years now. But I have to admit, I'm just not sure you do it for me anymore.

points of interest (i wish i didn't have to do it this way):

• i have an atm/debit card now. this fact + my new love for ebay = problem. i need to save up money for My Plan, which ( Read more... )

we never say 'love'. but we notice every piece of ash that falls from the other's cigarette, from the other's slightly parted lips. that first time i met you at the station our retinas were magnetized and your cold hand led me outside softly. we sit on buses we sit in bathroom stalls all over the country, dirty, but everywhere is the same, the same ( Read more... )

i paid the six ten. dug through pockets until i found a small little dime (my favorite) and placed it in the wrinkled hand of the conductor. punch punch the holes and hang up my ticket for all to see. my destination. there was a boy across from me, half asleep. too young to be alone. scared deer in headlight eyes when he woke up. i dreamed about ( Read more... )

"Dreaming that you are pregnant symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal. Dreaming that you are pregnant with the baby dying inside of you suggests that a ( Read more... )

i saw him tonight.

we called it a date and he paid for my meal.

i pulled away from his mouth in the car, though, and asked him what the point was. we're not dating and there's probably no possibility of us being together, even though we both want someone. we both keep waiting around. i told him i can't anymore and i think he was upset. he ( Read more... )