You telling me that you're going to squeeze your fat ass out a 20th floor window because you're sad and drinking alone at a bar, then not answering the phone when i call you worried that you're going to do something stupid-not ironic, humorous, or ironically humorous ( Read more... )

my grandfather at 70 : war stories :: my father at 70 : hardships of escaping Communism stories :: me at 70 : broken penis and sex injuries stories

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Protip: Unless you plan on a long long long LONG term relationship, don't sleep with anyone you work with. Because there will still be repercussions over a year later.

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Today at lunch we went to our usual marketplace. Upon walking up, we were greeted by firetrucks, police cars, an ambulance, and our CEO ( Read more... )

I seriously can't decide which i am less lazy/more motivated to do right now:

(1) go out and buy some damn food, which takes little effort, but requires money and being out in the cold

OR

(2) make homemade biscuits to eat with my bacon because i can't just eat bacon by itself

Can we give Sarah Palin a little island to rule over for a few years? We'll make it into a reality show on Fox and call it Palin Nation. I mean, any vice presidential candidate who praises Kid Rock for his pro-America values and common sense really needs a trashy show.

ETA: THIS IS NOW MY FAVORITE VIDEO EVER.

Click to view

Tip of the Day: When someone asks how you are, just cough uncontrollably for a moment. It answers their question and gets you out of having to talk to them.

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Good lord. i realize it's 5 in the morning, but do you really have to look like you just rolled out of bed? pick up your god damned feet when you walk; i don't care if you are wearing flip flops--you are a grown ass man, not some sad teenager. And if you've got the energy to walk and whistle (poorly holding a single high pitched tone) you can ( Read more... )

Tonight i was craving cookies and milk so bad. I have cookies from Trader Joe's that i bought last week, but they were a little stale. My choices were to either continue sitting around in my underwear or walk to the market and buy cookies and milk ( Read more... )

In case you haven't heard, i said goodbye to Lola the albino walrus last week and welcomed Winona Ryder to the family. Then 24 hours later, Chelsea vomited all over the back seat. But she (Winona) is clean now and the smell is gone (or else i am used to it) and she is shiny.

Some things i miss about Lola:

• center armrest
• ability to crush cars smaller ( Read more... )