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expletive
i haven't posted in a while. fuck apologizing. i need to be journaling to remember this period of my life, lest i forget what's important to me and why i'm so unhappy right now. fuck this bullshit. fuck feeling alone and lonely all the time. fuck my roommates not giving a shit about the apartment. fuck people eating my food and not owning up ( Read more... ) -
the decision
last night my father and i talked about love. he told me that thirty some years ago he read a book about love called "The Art of Loving". he said that one phrase in particular from the book stuck out to him and has continued to stick for the last thirty years: Love is not a feeling, it is a decision ( Read more... ) -
no sleep for Brooklyn
we did it. i stayed up for 21 hours on three hours of sleep. we broke our backs and cut ourselves. but it's done. we live in brooklyn. i live in brooklyn.
updates to follow on how i am a changed man and the wedding.
lacrimae lacrimosa -
man on the moon
where to begin? at the end, where most beginnings are, i suppose. i am reborn. the physical effects have yet to manifest, but the pathways of my mind are moving and creating new currents of thought as i type. tonight fucking blew. i lost my way onstage. i lost my confidence and any ability to be creative. i blocked myself. i said no. over ( Read more... ) -
running away
there's a solar flare on my desktop, burning me up. burning my eyes. it's blue and yellow but has a quality of light that makes the colors seem unfamiliar, otherworldly. of course they are. i would love to see a real sun begin to burn out someday. maybe not ours, since that would mean i'd be dead shortly after seeing it, but it would be an ( Read more... ) -
the stars above Los Alamos
i don't know why i'm so affected by celebrities' deaths. a few months back i was almost unable to function at work when Heath Ledger died. it wasn't so much even that i felt a sense of loss, more that my world, my concept of reality had been altered without my permission. it brought to light how quickly i seem to be aging, and how i'm not ( Read more... ) -
stand up, dammit
how do we know our life's purpose? does someone come along at some point and slap you across the face, look you in the eye and say, "do this and you will find meaning."? forgive the poor punctuation. i don't know if that's how it works, but tonight i was slapped. hard. the past several days have been chock full of experiences that seem ( Read more... ) -
sketching out a plan
night before last i had nightmares all night. terrible dreams of small, grey furry monsters with claws. a recurring nightmare/dream that i've been having for months. i should have woken up during like i normally do, but for the first time in memory i realized i was in a nightmare and said to myself, "you know it isn't real. you need sleep far ( Read more... ) -
the sound of wind rushing out the door
where do i start? things were going well. things are going well. i'm okay. i'm trying to convince myself that i'm okay. and i am. i'll be fine. it was just abrupt. i guess it always is. she didn't go into reasons, well not specifics, but i know it had nothing to do with me. apparently i even made it difficult by being understanding. more ( Read more... )
