To Have and to Hold 8/9
Author: WMR
Characters: Nine, Ten, Rose, a little of Jack, Jackie, Mickey
Rated: PG
Spoilers: All the way to TCI, and some dialogue from School Reunion.
Summary: Since you have no parents to act on your behalf, I need to ask you: will you accept his hand in marriage?
This story is written in response to
purplerhino's challenge: Write one (pick one) or even all of the episodes for at least season two with the Doctor and Rose married. Many thanks to my wonderful, nitpicky and inspirational BRs, the fabulous
dark_aegis,
ponygirl72 and
nnwest.
Chapter 1: Lewd Conduct
Chapter 2: War Widow
Chapter 3: Staking a Claim
Chapter 4: Cold Comfort
Chapter 5: Letting Go
Chapter 6: Married Life
Chapter 7: So Many Goodbyes
Chapter 8: Not Married
Routines. He’d never been one for routines - never had the opportunity to get used to it, really. Now, though, a routine was developing around him.
Morning: have breakfast with Rose; even on nights when she slept in the flat rather than the TARDIS, she always came for breakfast with him. See her off to work, if she was working. Sometimes he’d walk her to the bus-stop. Back, and then off for a nice, long, invigorating walk, always solving at least three intractable mysteries of science along the way.
Spend a few hours tinkering with the TARDIS, usually getting interrupted by Mickey or even Jackie somewhere along the way. The first few visits, they had ready excuses - something to do with Rose, something they desperately needed to ask him or tell him. After a while, the excuses were forgotten, as it was clear that they just came for the conversation. Why, he wasn’t sure, but he found he didn’t really mind.
And then, some time either early or late evening, Rose would come back. Whether or not she stayed overnight in the TARDIS, they spent a couple of hours together before bedtime, talking about anything and everything, just as they always had. And he watched her become more and more natural about calling him Doctor, referring to things they’d done before he’d changed, even forgetting sometimes that he’d changed since whatever event she was talking about.
On her days off, once she’d finished boring stuff like laundry or shopping, she hung around the console room and chatted while he worked. In their second week, when he was satisfied that he’d done enough repair-work, he took them on a couple of short trips just as a test-drive. No adventures, or anything really beyond a couple of hours strolling around wherever they ended up - the navigational control was as reliable as ever, and no surprise there. But it was good. It was nice.
And if, once or twice, he got caught up in a bit of trouble on his own excursions - on foot or by TARDIS - and ended up saving the world before tea, that was a bonus, really. And nothing he needed to worry Rose about. It wasn’t as if he’d done anything dangerous, really, or as if he’d got hurt. Nothing more than a scratch.
But it was turning into a routine, and routines just weren’t him.
And part of him wondered, during the increasingly few times when he was alone, if this was what human married life was like.
And, if it was, how anyone survived it.
***
She let herself into the TARDIS, her gaze immediately seeking him out. Today, he was standing at the console, punching buttons and muttering under his breath. But then his head shot up and his gaze met hers, and a wide smile spread across his face.
“Hello.” A simple word, but the warmth in his voice warmed her past the January chill.
She smiled back. “Hi.”
“You look cold.” One hand stroked over the control panel, and then over to the side of the time rotor. She stifled another grin. One of the many ways in which the Doctor would never change.
“Yeah, ‘s freezing out there. Nearly slipped on some ice when I got off the bus.”
“Come and have a cup of tea.” He was already leaving the console. “You know, if you’d phone me when you’re on the bus I’d come and meet you.”
That was way too domestic for him, surely. Too... husband-like. He’d never... but, no, if the old him had for some reason had to stick around on Earth for a while she suspected that he’d have found some excuse to meet her at the bus-stop too.
He stopped in front of her and pulled her into his arms, his hands rubbing up and down her back, warming her. “Any better?”
“Oh, yeah.” She leaned into him. His body temperature was cooler than hers, true, but she was cold.
After a few moments, he released her but took her hand as they made their way to the kitchen, where she watched him go through the motions of making tea.
“This is doin’ your ‘ead in, isn’t it?”
He glanced around, pausing in the act of spooning tea-leaves into the warmed pot. “What is?”
“This. Being in the same place day after day, doing the same things, all this boring routine.”
He gave her a wide-eyed stare. “No! No, of course not. It’s fun. It’s fine. Hunky-dory.” He blinked. “Did I just say that?” She nodded, biting at her lower lip to keep in the choke of laughter trying to escape. He looked horrified. “Well, let’s hope I never say it again.”
Once she’d got herself under control, she said, “I know you, Doctor. An’ this is driving you crazy, isn’t it?”
And it was true. She did know him. As he’d told her, the essentials were all still him. The differences were superficial - and by now she was even able to anticipate the differences. He was becoming as familiar to her now, in his new guise, as he’d ever been before.
He looked rueful and nodded. “It’ll be nice when we can get on the move again.”
She shrugged. “I finish work at the end of the week. Though I could leave sooner if you want...?”
He shook his head. “No, don’t do that. A few more days is fine. Besides, I still need to run a few tests on the old girl.”
“Okay.” She accepted the mug he passed her. Time to ask him about what she’d been looking into lately. “Doctor, y’know you can get the Internet on the TARDIS computers?”
“Yeah?” He grinned. “What, don’t tell me you want to check out the porn sites? Rose Tyler, you should be ashamed of yourself.”
She grinned in return, but then sobered and shook her head. “Nah. Was talkin’ to someone at work the last couple of days. She’s doing A-levels online. An... well, it seemed like a good idea.”
A very good idea. Because, these days, GCSEs just didn’t cut it. Not without some other qualification, or at least some good experience. And since she knew beyond a doubt that she didn’t want to be a shop assistant for the rest of her life - whenever she did leave the Doctor - she needed qualifications. Wasn’t as if she could add ‘Time Lord’s Companion’ to her CV, after all.
“Oh?” She’d surprised him, that was obvious. “You want to do A-levels?”
***
A-levels.
She was putting her contingency plan in place. It was completely understandable, even if it troubled him far more than it should.
It was absolutely the right thing for her to do. She should get her qualifications. She was bright, but the way her world worked meant that she needed the piece of paper to say so. She’d have no trouble passing her exams, with or without his help - though he had every intention of helping her.
“Yeah, we can connect to the Internet from wherever we are. Not a problem.” And he smiled at her. “So, what subjects are you going to take?” Could he guess? History. She really seemed to enjoy their trips into the past, and his lessons about events and their consequences. What else? With TARDIS telepathy, languages wouldn’t be a problem, though that would be cheating. Physics? Was it even possible that some of his love of science had begun to rub off on her?
“History.” He grinned. He loved being right. “English literature. I want to find out what’s so great about Charles Dickens.” That made him smile, too. She’d started to read A Christmas Carol, at his recommendation, after their trip to Cardiff in 1870, only to give up after a couple of chapters with the comment that it was too dry and slow-moving. Maybe she was ready to try again now. “And physics.”
“Brilliant!” He couldn’t stop grinning. “And don’t stop at A-levels. You should do a degree. Open University, easy to do while we’re travelling.”
“A degree?” She shook her head. “Nah. I couldn’t do that. I’m not clever enough for that.”
“Oh, yes, you are.” He frowned at her. “I’ve met people with PhDs who can’t understand some of the things you do. Don’t ever tell me you’re not clever enough.”
And that made her smile. “All right, then. But, blimey, Mum’ll really think I’m getting airs if I do that! Be worth it, jus’ to see her face.”
“Good for you, Rose Tyler. Good for you!” And he just had to hug her, even though he knew that this was the beginning of the end and he’d just realised how much he didn’t want this to end.
Live for the present. They had here and now, and that was what mattered.
***
Living for the moment. It wasn’t so bad, really. She could ignore the fact that one day she’d leave him, that one day she would no longer be the companion and best friend of the last Time Lord and she’d be having to build a life for herself which didn’t include him. Didn’t include travelling from place to place, time to time, galaxy to galaxy, seeing stars and nebulas and aliens and amazing wonders no other human from her time had ever seen or would see.
Here and now. It would do. The future would take care of itself. As long as she never fooled herself that this - this, now, with him - was the rest of her life. Because it wouldn’t be; couldn’t be.
She’d got the message. He didn’t do the rest of your life, because the rest of his life stretched out in front of him, a vast expanse of time, of years and decades and even centuries that she couldn’t even begin to contemplate.
Before, when she’d first said yes to his invitation, she’d had no thought of the future; no thought of anything beyond the incredible discoveries that a time machine - and that enigmatic man in the black jacket - had to offer.
By the end of that time, she’d had dreams of a future. Nothing she’d ever have told anyone about or even put into words, but dreams nonetheless. Fantasies of a life spent doing just this: exploring, discovering, running, escaping, all the while holding the hand and sharing the life of the most amazing being she’d ever encountered. Being loved by him. And, after Japan, being married to him.
Now, she knew it was a fantasy and, like all fantasies, never going to become reality. As the final few days of their stay on Earth ticked away, and the new Doctor became almost inseparable in her mind from his old persona, her love for the two of them indivisible, she learned to separate out fantasy from reality.
Reality was here and now; the moment, the present. Reality was however long she could stay with him. Reality was knowing that one day she would leave. Reality was accepting that he would carry on without her, that she would be replaced by someone else, and in turn they would be replaced by another someone else.
Reality was not needing a probably-not-even-legal marriage to know that he loved her and wanted her with him, here and now.
Reality was knowing that long after she had withered and died the Doctor would still be travelling through time and space in the TARDIS, saving the universe, getting into trouble, maybe losing another life and regenerating.
But he would remember her. Just as she now knew he remembered everything about everyone else who had ever travelled with him. And he would love her, even when he had new companions who’d found their own place in his hearts.
And that was enough.
***
A final test-run, the day before they were ready to leave. They’d told Jackie they were just going to be gone for the afternoon. And that was all it was, really. The fact that the two of them almost never came back was something they agreed, without even saying it aloud, that she didn’t need to be told.
It was so normal - for them. Just as if nothing had changed. Alien planet. New vista spread out for Rose, while he played tour guide and told her what was what, the whole time letting her enthusiasm warm and enthuse him. Seeing the universe through two pairs of new eyes, this time: hers, and the new eyes of this new body.
Until danger stopped lurking around the next corner and jumped out in front of them.
Her gaze flew to him in that same instant. And he saw alarm, excitement and absolute, complete trust.
When she reached for his hand instinctively even before he’d voiced the word run, and grinned up at him in just the same way she always had, a question he hadn’t even known he was asking was answered. Things half-understood but which he hadn’t wanted to acknowledge solidified. The confusion of the past three weeks was gone. And he knew.
A decision made which he hadn’t even known he was seriously contemplating. But the right decision. As he ran back through the TARDIS doors, pushing her ahead of him, he had absolutely no doubt at all about that.
They didn’t have forever. But who did? All that even a Time Lord could ask for was here and now, because any now could be followed by an ending, at any time.
Here, and now, and Rose. Enough even for a Time Lord who knew that he’d lived too long and that seeing the future wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.
***
Dinner at her mum’s, the four of them - Mickey was invited too, to say goodbye, and he’d come. To her amazement, he and the Doctor almost behaved like best mates these days, laughing and joking with each other like long-time drinking buddies.
It was nice. Her mum had really made an effort - best tablecloth and crockery, leftover Christmas paper serviettes, and for once the shepherd’s pie wasn’t overdone. The Doctor had been down to Victoria Wine and come back with a couple of bottles of something she now recognised as a very good wine - her mum would be horrified if she had any idea how much it’d probably cost - and which was probably wasted on Mickey and her mum anyway. But, yeah, it was nice.
Even better, for once there were no arguments. No sideswipes from either her mum or Mickey about the Doctor taking her away from her normal life, no muttering about how dangerous it was, no digs about how normal people didn’t do that sort of thing. And the Doctor was on his best behaviour, too; none of the caustic asides he was still capable of in this new body.
It was all going so well.
Until her mum, well into her third glass of Chablis, raised the subject Rose had been hoping would never be mentioned again.
“Y’know, you two, you’re the weirdest married couple I’ve ever seen. Half the time no-one’d ever guess you were married, an’ the rest of the time it’s like you’ve been married years.” She poked the Doctor in the chest. “Hope you’re not like that when ‘s just the two of you. I know you’re an alien an’ that, so maybe you don’t understand. Us women need attention. Need to be made to feel we’re special. You know what I mean!” She turned to Rose. “He does know what I mean, right? I mean, ‘e’s not that alien, is he? He looks human enough that way - ”
“Mum!” Cheeks flaming, Rose interrupted her mother. “Would you stop it!”
“But I’m just sayin’ - ”
“Well, don’t!” The Doctor was saying nothing, and she didn’t know whether she should be grateful or worried about that. And Mickey was just sniggering into his serviette.
It was about time she admitted the truth. It was up to her, anyway, since it was all her fault that her mum and Mickey knew about the marriage anyway.
It wasn’t real. It had never been real, and if she was totally honest with herself she’d known that all along - even before the Doctor’d regenerated. She’d clung to the fantasy that he was her husband, though, because of the way she’d been feeling when he’d changed. When her world had been falling apart.
He’d left her. That was how she’d felt. Abandoned, and at a time when she’d needed him more than ever before. While she’d known that he was still there, that somewhere inside the stranger wearing his clothes her Doctor still existed, she hadn’t been able to see him. And she hadn’t known how this stranger would react to her. If he’d still care about her. If he’d even still like her.
So she’d clung to the fantasy that they were married, as a means of clinging to him. It was a way of saying that he belonged to her, and her to him. So that he couldn’t really leave her.
It had never been true, none of it. The marriage wasn’t real, and she didn’t need the fantasy any more.
“Mum.” She grabbed her mum’s arm. “Listen to me. We’re not married. Right? He’s not my husband. Never was.”
“What?” Her mum stared at her. “You told us! You said...”
“Yeah. We got married but, like I said, it was jus’ to get me out of jail. It was never real. We never meant it to be. ‘S not even just a bit of paper, cause there never was a bit of paper.”
Her mum was shaking her head. “But how can it not be real when you ‘ad a wedding?”
She sighed. “Well, how can it be legal when he’s not even human?” She jerked her head at the Doctor. “ ‘S probably not even legal back in fourteenth-century Japan. Certainly not legal here. We’re not married, all right?”
Under the table, a hand slid into hers. The Doctor. As she looked at him, he gave her a warm, reassuring smile. She got the message. He was glad she’d said it, finally.
“I thought you’d be relieved, Jackie,” he said, taking the focus away from her. “Shouldn’t think you’d actually want an alien for a son-in-law.”
“Oh, I don’t know.” Her mum finally seemed to have accepted the truth, and she was actually looking disappointed. “Maybe some aliens aren’t that bad.”
Later, as they ran hand-in-hand through the rain back to the TARDIS, having said their goodbyes in the flat, she was still cringing. “Sorry about Mum going on like that,” she said as he unlocked the door for her. “God, it was embarrassing.”
He grinned as he pushed the door shut behind them. “She has a gift for it, doesn’t she? Always good for a laugh, though.”
He threw his trenchcoat over a strut, then advanced on her. “She might have a point, though. If you think about it. What d’you think?”
She frowned. “A point about what?”
“Well... Maybe I don’t pay you enough attention.” He was smiling, teasing, but there was something in his eyes... And suddenly she found it very difficult to breathe.
“Maybe I don’t make you feel special,” he added, still quoting her mum’s accusation. His hands, suddenly, were on her shoulders, drawing her closer. His eyes, full of warmth and laughter and something more, were completely focused on her. “Do I, Rose?”
“Yeah... I mean... what?” Incoherence. He’d reduced her to incoherence. And he was still looking at her, making her feel very, very special indeed. And making her tremble.
One hand moved, from her shoulder to her face, cupping her cheek, tilting her head up. And his breath was warm against her face as his face came down to hers.
Time stood still. She couldn’t breathe. And, finally, his lips touched hers.
Not like the last time she’d tried to kiss him in this new body. Not even like the too-few kisses she’d had from him in his old body. This was different. This was... amazing. This was what it was like to be kissed by the Doctor.
A long time later, breathless, she leaned against him for support. “Wow. If tellin’ my mum we’re not married gets me a reaction like that, Doctor, think I’ll go back up an’ tell ‘er again!”
She heard the rumble of his laughter against her body. “You can tell her next time we’re back here.” Releasing her, he took her hand and towed her behind him as he leapt up to the console and started to push buttons and move levers. They were dematerialising. At last, they were leaving.
“What, you’re gonna make me wait that long for another kiss?”
He grinned at her. “What do you think?” And, before she could answer, he kissed her again, stealing her breath away a second time.
She leaned into him as he took them wherever they were going - probably into the Vortex, since he didn’t seem to be setting much in the way of co-ordinates. And then he released the controls, confirming her suspicions, and fumbled with one hand in his jacket pocket.
“This is for you.” In his hand, which he held out to her, there was a long, flat box. A jeweller’s box.
She stared at him. He’d bought things for her before, but they’d been inexpensive tokens from some of the exotic places he’d taken her to. This looked like more than that. Especially as she recognised the name on the box. Not H. Samuel - the polar opposite, in fact.
Wordlessly, she took the box from him and lifted the lid. Inside lay a gold chain with a small pendant attached to it. A pendant... in the shape of a police box, with the raised roof and distinctive light on top. She gasped, astonished, inarticulate. It was perfect.
“It looks like gold, but it’s not,” he explained. “It’s a precious metal from Gallifrey. This bit used to be a decorative finish in the dining room. Bit fussy, really. I never liked it much.” The TARDIS dining room, it seemed.
He lifted the chain from the box and looped it around her neck. There was humour in his voice as he spoke. “Your mum was complaining that I never gave you a wedding-ring.”
“Yeah, but we were never really married.” Automatically, her hand went up and she held the tiny TARDIS between finger and thumb.
“Well...” His task finished, he moved around to face her. “It’s what we decide to make it, isn’t it?” His hand slid into her hair. “And I’ve been thinking.”
“ ‘S a bit dangerous, that, innit?”
“Cheeky.” He bent and brushed his lips over hers. Straightening, he added, “Yeah, you’re going to leave me some day. You’ll have to,” he said firmly as she was about to object. “I won’t leave you behind, Rose. But you’ll have to go one day. I know that. But I also know I won’t miss you any more when you go if we don’t hide what’s really there between us.”
What’s really there between us... So it wasn’t just her.
He kissed her again, then straightened, keeping his arms wrapped around her. “So, how about it, not-wife? Want to be not-married to me?”
She giggled. “Better than bein’ your plus-one, I s’pose.”
“Hey! I’ll have you know that plus-ones were very special back on Gallifrey. Very important people, in fact. Very nearly as important as Time Lords. And, if you’re very, very lucky, I might even show you how important they were.”
She leaned up and kissed him. “And if you’re very, very lucky,” she said, grinning, “I might even show you how important not-husbands are.”
Their gazes met. Their smiles grew equally wide, and then equally soft. And he released her and offered her his hand.
She took it, and in that gesture gave him her hand, her heart and all of her nows.
There wasn’t a future; not for them. They both knew it. There’d never be a happy ever after. There was no such thing as spending the rest of their lives together. There was no such thing, even, as spending the rest of her life with him. But there was now. There was today. And that was enough.
***
It was enough. Tonight, tomorrow, as many tomorrows as they could have until the inevitable day when she would leave. Or when he’d have to, like it or not, send her away.
He’d sent her away once. He couldn’t promise never to do it again. And, to save her life, he would do it again. Sending her away wasn’t the same as leaving her behind, which he had promised not to do.
But until then they’d take what they could have.
In the silent night, in the familiar surroundings of her bedroom, she lay revealed to him in the dim glow of the light from the hallway. Naked except for the necklace he’d given her, the model of his TARDIS lying in the hollow of her throat, she was beautiful.
And later, as she lay sleeping in his arms after they’d loved each other again, the words never spoken but not needing to be, he smiled. She was his for as long as they had together. And, when she eventually left him, she would carry a piece of his home, a piece of him, with her for the rest of her life. Just as he would carry her with him, in his hearts, for the rest of his lives, as he did everyone he’d loved.
It wasn’t forever. It wasn’t happy ever after. But it was now, and that was enough.
***
to be concluded in the Epilogue
Characters: Nine, Ten, Rose, a little of Jack, Jackie, Mickey
Rated: PG
Spoilers: All the way to TCI, and some dialogue from School Reunion.
Summary: Since you have no parents to act on your behalf, I need to ask you: will you accept his hand in marriage?
This story is written in response to
purplerhino's challenge: Write one (pick one) or even all of the episodes for at least season two with the Doctor and Rose married. Many thanks to my wonderful, nitpicky and inspirational BRs, the fabulous
dark_aegis,
ponygirl72 and
nnwest.
Chapter 1: Lewd Conduct
Chapter 2: War Widow
Chapter 3: Staking a Claim
Chapter 4: Cold Comfort
Chapter 5: Letting Go
Chapter 6: Married Life
Chapter 7: So Many Goodbyes
Chapter 8: Not Married
Routines. He’d never been one for routines - never had the opportunity to get used to it, really. Now, though, a routine was developing around him.
Morning: have breakfast with Rose; even on nights when she slept in the flat rather than the TARDIS, she always came for breakfast with him. See her off to work, if she was working. Sometimes he’d walk her to the bus-stop. Back, and then off for a nice, long, invigorating walk, always solving at least three intractable mysteries of science along the way.
Spend a few hours tinkering with the TARDIS, usually getting interrupted by Mickey or even Jackie somewhere along the way. The first few visits, they had ready excuses - something to do with Rose, something they desperately needed to ask him or tell him. After a while, the excuses were forgotten, as it was clear that they just came for the conversation. Why, he wasn’t sure, but he found he didn’t really mind.
And then, some time either early or late evening, Rose would come back. Whether or not she stayed overnight in the TARDIS, they spent a couple of hours together before bedtime, talking about anything and everything, just as they always had. And he watched her become more and more natural about calling him Doctor, referring to things they’d done before he’d changed, even forgetting sometimes that he’d changed since whatever event she was talking about.
On her days off, once she’d finished boring stuff like laundry or shopping, she hung around the console room and chatted while he worked. In their second week, when he was satisfied that he’d done enough repair-work, he took them on a couple of short trips just as a test-drive. No adventures, or anything really beyond a couple of hours strolling around wherever they ended up - the navigational control was as reliable as ever, and no surprise there. But it was good. It was nice.
And if, once or twice, he got caught up in a bit of trouble on his own excursions - on foot or by TARDIS - and ended up saving the world before tea, that was a bonus, really. And nothing he needed to worry Rose about. It wasn’t as if he’d done anything dangerous, really, or as if he’d got hurt. Nothing more than a scratch.
But it was turning into a routine, and routines just weren’t him.
And part of him wondered, during the increasingly few times when he was alone, if this was what human married life was like.
And, if it was, how anyone survived it.
***
She let herself into the TARDIS, her gaze immediately seeking him out. Today, he was standing at the console, punching buttons and muttering under his breath. But then his head shot up and his gaze met hers, and a wide smile spread across his face.
“Hello.” A simple word, but the warmth in his voice warmed her past the January chill.
She smiled back. “Hi.”
“You look cold.” One hand stroked over the control panel, and then over to the side of the time rotor. She stifled another grin. One of the many ways in which the Doctor would never change.
“Yeah, ‘s freezing out there. Nearly slipped on some ice when I got off the bus.”
“Come and have a cup of tea.” He was already leaving the console. “You know, if you’d phone me when you’re on the bus I’d come and meet you.”
That was way too domestic for him, surely. Too... husband-like. He’d never... but, no, if the old him had for some reason had to stick around on Earth for a while she suspected that he’d have found some excuse to meet her at the bus-stop too.
He stopped in front of her and pulled her into his arms, his hands rubbing up and down her back, warming her. “Any better?”
“Oh, yeah.” She leaned into him. His body temperature was cooler than hers, true, but she was cold.
After a few moments, he released her but took her hand as they made their way to the kitchen, where she watched him go through the motions of making tea.
“This is doin’ your ‘ead in, isn’t it?”
He glanced around, pausing in the act of spooning tea-leaves into the warmed pot. “What is?”
“This. Being in the same place day after day, doing the same things, all this boring routine.”
He gave her a wide-eyed stare. “No! No, of course not. It’s fun. It’s fine. Hunky-dory.” He blinked. “Did I just say that?” She nodded, biting at her lower lip to keep in the choke of laughter trying to escape. He looked horrified. “Well, let’s hope I never say it again.”
Once she’d got herself under control, she said, “I know you, Doctor. An’ this is driving you crazy, isn’t it?”
And it was true. She did know him. As he’d told her, the essentials were all still him. The differences were superficial - and by now she was even able to anticipate the differences. He was becoming as familiar to her now, in his new guise, as he’d ever been before.
He looked rueful and nodded. “It’ll be nice when we can get on the move again.”
She shrugged. “I finish work at the end of the week. Though I could leave sooner if you want...?”
He shook his head. “No, don’t do that. A few more days is fine. Besides, I still need to run a few tests on the old girl.”
“Okay.” She accepted the mug he passed her. Time to ask him about what she’d been looking into lately. “Doctor, y’know you can get the Internet on the TARDIS computers?”
“Yeah?” He grinned. “What, don’t tell me you want to check out the porn sites? Rose Tyler, you should be ashamed of yourself.”
She grinned in return, but then sobered and shook her head. “Nah. Was talkin’ to someone at work the last couple of days. She’s doing A-levels online. An... well, it seemed like a good idea.”
A very good idea. Because, these days, GCSEs just didn’t cut it. Not without some other qualification, or at least some good experience. And since she knew beyond a doubt that she didn’t want to be a shop assistant for the rest of her life - whenever she did leave the Doctor - she needed qualifications. Wasn’t as if she could add ‘Time Lord’s Companion’ to her CV, after all.
“Oh?” She’d surprised him, that was obvious. “You want to do A-levels?”
***
A-levels.
She was putting her contingency plan in place. It was completely understandable, even if it troubled him far more than it should.
It was absolutely the right thing for her to do. She should get her qualifications. She was bright, but the way her world worked meant that she needed the piece of paper to say so. She’d have no trouble passing her exams, with or without his help - though he had every intention of helping her.
“Yeah, we can connect to the Internet from wherever we are. Not a problem.” And he smiled at her. “So, what subjects are you going to take?” Could he guess? History. She really seemed to enjoy their trips into the past, and his lessons about events and their consequences. What else? With TARDIS telepathy, languages wouldn’t be a problem, though that would be cheating. Physics? Was it even possible that some of his love of science had begun to rub off on her?
“History.” He grinned. He loved being right. “English literature. I want to find out what’s so great about Charles Dickens.” That made him smile, too. She’d started to read A Christmas Carol, at his recommendation, after their trip to Cardiff in 1870, only to give up after a couple of chapters with the comment that it was too dry and slow-moving. Maybe she was ready to try again now. “And physics.”
“Brilliant!” He couldn’t stop grinning. “And don’t stop at A-levels. You should do a degree. Open University, easy to do while we’re travelling.”
“A degree?” She shook her head. “Nah. I couldn’t do that. I’m not clever enough for that.”
“Oh, yes, you are.” He frowned at her. “I’ve met people with PhDs who can’t understand some of the things you do. Don’t ever tell me you’re not clever enough.”
And that made her smile. “All right, then. But, blimey, Mum’ll really think I’m getting airs if I do that! Be worth it, jus’ to see her face.”
“Good for you, Rose Tyler. Good for you!” And he just had to hug her, even though he knew that this was the beginning of the end and he’d just realised how much he didn’t want this to end.
Live for the present. They had here and now, and that was what mattered.
***
Living for the moment. It wasn’t so bad, really. She could ignore the fact that one day she’d leave him, that one day she would no longer be the companion and best friend of the last Time Lord and she’d be having to build a life for herself which didn’t include him. Didn’t include travelling from place to place, time to time, galaxy to galaxy, seeing stars and nebulas and aliens and amazing wonders no other human from her time had ever seen or would see.
Here and now. It would do. The future would take care of itself. As long as she never fooled herself that this - this, now, with him - was the rest of her life. Because it wouldn’t be; couldn’t be.
She’d got the message. He didn’t do the rest of your life, because the rest of his life stretched out in front of him, a vast expanse of time, of years and decades and even centuries that she couldn’t even begin to contemplate.
Before, when she’d first said yes to his invitation, she’d had no thought of the future; no thought of anything beyond the incredible discoveries that a time machine - and that enigmatic man in the black jacket - had to offer.
By the end of that time, she’d had dreams of a future. Nothing she’d ever have told anyone about or even put into words, but dreams nonetheless. Fantasies of a life spent doing just this: exploring, discovering, running, escaping, all the while holding the hand and sharing the life of the most amazing being she’d ever encountered. Being loved by him. And, after Japan, being married to him.
Now, she knew it was a fantasy and, like all fantasies, never going to become reality. As the final few days of their stay on Earth ticked away, and the new Doctor became almost inseparable in her mind from his old persona, her love for the two of them indivisible, she learned to separate out fantasy from reality.
Reality was here and now; the moment, the present. Reality was however long she could stay with him. Reality was knowing that one day she would leave. Reality was accepting that he would carry on without her, that she would be replaced by someone else, and in turn they would be replaced by another someone else.
Reality was not needing a probably-not-even-legal marriage to know that he loved her and wanted her with him, here and now.
Reality was knowing that long after she had withered and died the Doctor would still be travelling through time and space in the TARDIS, saving the universe, getting into trouble, maybe losing another life and regenerating.
But he would remember her. Just as she now knew he remembered everything about everyone else who had ever travelled with him. And he would love her, even when he had new companions who’d found their own place in his hearts.
And that was enough.
***
A final test-run, the day before they were ready to leave. They’d told Jackie they were just going to be gone for the afternoon. And that was all it was, really. The fact that the two of them almost never came back was something they agreed, without even saying it aloud, that she didn’t need to be told.
It was so normal - for them. Just as if nothing had changed. Alien planet. New vista spread out for Rose, while he played tour guide and told her what was what, the whole time letting her enthusiasm warm and enthuse him. Seeing the universe through two pairs of new eyes, this time: hers, and the new eyes of this new body.
Until danger stopped lurking around the next corner and jumped out in front of them.
Her gaze flew to him in that same instant. And he saw alarm, excitement and absolute, complete trust.
When she reached for his hand instinctively even before he’d voiced the word run, and grinned up at him in just the same way she always had, a question he hadn’t even known he was asking was answered. Things half-understood but which he hadn’t wanted to acknowledge solidified. The confusion of the past three weeks was gone. And he knew.
A decision made which he hadn’t even known he was seriously contemplating. But the right decision. As he ran back through the TARDIS doors, pushing her ahead of him, he had absolutely no doubt at all about that.
They didn’t have forever. But who did? All that even a Time Lord could ask for was here and now, because any now could be followed by an ending, at any time.
Here, and now, and Rose. Enough even for a Time Lord who knew that he’d lived too long and that seeing the future wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.
***
Dinner at her mum’s, the four of them - Mickey was invited too, to say goodbye, and he’d come. To her amazement, he and the Doctor almost behaved like best mates these days, laughing and joking with each other like long-time drinking buddies.
It was nice. Her mum had really made an effort - best tablecloth and crockery, leftover Christmas paper serviettes, and for once the shepherd’s pie wasn’t overdone. The Doctor had been down to Victoria Wine and come back with a couple of bottles of something she now recognised as a very good wine - her mum would be horrified if she had any idea how much it’d probably cost - and which was probably wasted on Mickey and her mum anyway. But, yeah, it was nice.
Even better, for once there were no arguments. No sideswipes from either her mum or Mickey about the Doctor taking her away from her normal life, no muttering about how dangerous it was, no digs about how normal people didn’t do that sort of thing. And the Doctor was on his best behaviour, too; none of the caustic asides he was still capable of in this new body.
It was all going so well.
Until her mum, well into her third glass of Chablis, raised the subject Rose had been hoping would never be mentioned again.
“Y’know, you two, you’re the weirdest married couple I’ve ever seen. Half the time no-one’d ever guess you were married, an’ the rest of the time it’s like you’ve been married years.” She poked the Doctor in the chest. “Hope you’re not like that when ‘s just the two of you. I know you’re an alien an’ that, so maybe you don’t understand. Us women need attention. Need to be made to feel we’re special. You know what I mean!” She turned to Rose. “He does know what I mean, right? I mean, ‘e’s not that alien, is he? He looks human enough that way - ”
“Mum!” Cheeks flaming, Rose interrupted her mother. “Would you stop it!”
“But I’m just sayin’ - ”
“Well, don’t!” The Doctor was saying nothing, and she didn’t know whether she should be grateful or worried about that. And Mickey was just sniggering into his serviette.
It was about time she admitted the truth. It was up to her, anyway, since it was all her fault that her mum and Mickey knew about the marriage anyway.
It wasn’t real. It had never been real, and if she was totally honest with herself she’d known that all along - even before the Doctor’d regenerated. She’d clung to the fantasy that he was her husband, though, because of the way she’d been feeling when he’d changed. When her world had been falling apart.
He’d left her. That was how she’d felt. Abandoned, and at a time when she’d needed him more than ever before. While she’d known that he was still there, that somewhere inside the stranger wearing his clothes her Doctor still existed, she hadn’t been able to see him. And she hadn’t known how this stranger would react to her. If he’d still care about her. If he’d even still like her.
So she’d clung to the fantasy that they were married, as a means of clinging to him. It was a way of saying that he belonged to her, and her to him. So that he couldn’t really leave her.
It had never been true, none of it. The marriage wasn’t real, and she didn’t need the fantasy any more.
“Mum.” She grabbed her mum’s arm. “Listen to me. We’re not married. Right? He’s not my husband. Never was.”
“What?” Her mum stared at her. “You told us! You said...”
“Yeah. We got married but, like I said, it was jus’ to get me out of jail. It was never real. We never meant it to be. ‘S not even just a bit of paper, cause there never was a bit of paper.”
Her mum was shaking her head. “But how can it not be real when you ‘ad a wedding?”
She sighed. “Well, how can it be legal when he’s not even human?” She jerked her head at the Doctor. “ ‘S probably not even legal back in fourteenth-century Japan. Certainly not legal here. We’re not married, all right?”
Under the table, a hand slid into hers. The Doctor. As she looked at him, he gave her a warm, reassuring smile. She got the message. He was glad she’d said it, finally.
“I thought you’d be relieved, Jackie,” he said, taking the focus away from her. “Shouldn’t think you’d actually want an alien for a son-in-law.”
“Oh, I don’t know.” Her mum finally seemed to have accepted the truth, and she was actually looking disappointed. “Maybe some aliens aren’t that bad.”
Later, as they ran hand-in-hand through the rain back to the TARDIS, having said their goodbyes in the flat, she was still cringing. “Sorry about Mum going on like that,” she said as he unlocked the door for her. “God, it was embarrassing.”
He grinned as he pushed the door shut behind them. “She has a gift for it, doesn’t she? Always good for a laugh, though.”
He threw his trenchcoat over a strut, then advanced on her. “She might have a point, though. If you think about it. What d’you think?”
She frowned. “A point about what?”
“Well... Maybe I don’t pay you enough attention.” He was smiling, teasing, but there was something in his eyes... And suddenly she found it very difficult to breathe.
“Maybe I don’t make you feel special,” he added, still quoting her mum’s accusation. His hands, suddenly, were on her shoulders, drawing her closer. His eyes, full of warmth and laughter and something more, were completely focused on her. “Do I, Rose?”
“Yeah... I mean... what?” Incoherence. He’d reduced her to incoherence. And he was still looking at her, making her feel very, very special indeed. And making her tremble.
One hand moved, from her shoulder to her face, cupping her cheek, tilting her head up. And his breath was warm against her face as his face came down to hers.
Time stood still. She couldn’t breathe. And, finally, his lips touched hers.
Not like the last time she’d tried to kiss him in this new body. Not even like the too-few kisses she’d had from him in his old body. This was different. This was... amazing. This was what it was like to be kissed by the Doctor.
A long time later, breathless, she leaned against him for support. “Wow. If tellin’ my mum we’re not married gets me a reaction like that, Doctor, think I’ll go back up an’ tell ‘er again!”
She heard the rumble of his laughter against her body. “You can tell her next time we’re back here.” Releasing her, he took her hand and towed her behind him as he leapt up to the console and started to push buttons and move levers. They were dematerialising. At last, they were leaving.
“What, you’re gonna make me wait that long for another kiss?”
He grinned at her. “What do you think?” And, before she could answer, he kissed her again, stealing her breath away a second time.
She leaned into him as he took them wherever they were going - probably into the Vortex, since he didn’t seem to be setting much in the way of co-ordinates. And then he released the controls, confirming her suspicions, and fumbled with one hand in his jacket pocket.
“This is for you.” In his hand, which he held out to her, there was a long, flat box. A jeweller’s box.
She stared at him. He’d bought things for her before, but they’d been inexpensive tokens from some of the exotic places he’d taken her to. This looked like more than that. Especially as she recognised the name on the box. Not H. Samuel - the polar opposite, in fact.
Wordlessly, she took the box from him and lifted the lid. Inside lay a gold chain with a small pendant attached to it. A pendant... in the shape of a police box, with the raised roof and distinctive light on top. She gasped, astonished, inarticulate. It was perfect.
“It looks like gold, but it’s not,” he explained. “It’s a precious metal from Gallifrey. This bit used to be a decorative finish in the dining room. Bit fussy, really. I never liked it much.” The TARDIS dining room, it seemed.
He lifted the chain from the box and looped it around her neck. There was humour in his voice as he spoke. “Your mum was complaining that I never gave you a wedding-ring.”
“Yeah, but we were never really married.” Automatically, her hand went up and she held the tiny TARDIS between finger and thumb.
“Well...” His task finished, he moved around to face her. “It’s what we decide to make it, isn’t it?” His hand slid into her hair. “And I’ve been thinking.”
“ ‘S a bit dangerous, that, innit?”
“Cheeky.” He bent and brushed his lips over hers. Straightening, he added, “Yeah, you’re going to leave me some day. You’ll have to,” he said firmly as she was about to object. “I won’t leave you behind, Rose. But you’ll have to go one day. I know that. But I also know I won’t miss you any more when you go if we don’t hide what’s really there between us.”
What’s really there between us... So it wasn’t just her.
He kissed her again, then straightened, keeping his arms wrapped around her. “So, how about it, not-wife? Want to be not-married to me?”
She giggled. “Better than bein’ your plus-one, I s’pose.”
“Hey! I’ll have you know that plus-ones were very special back on Gallifrey. Very important people, in fact. Very nearly as important as Time Lords. And, if you’re very, very lucky, I might even show you how important they were.”
She leaned up and kissed him. “And if you’re very, very lucky,” she said, grinning, “I might even show you how important not-husbands are.”
Their gazes met. Their smiles grew equally wide, and then equally soft. And he released her and offered her his hand.
She took it, and in that gesture gave him her hand, her heart and all of her nows.
There wasn’t a future; not for them. They both knew it. There’d never be a happy ever after. There was no such thing as spending the rest of their lives together. There was no such thing, even, as spending the rest of her life with him. But there was now. There was today. And that was enough.
***
It was enough. Tonight, tomorrow, as many tomorrows as they could have until the inevitable day when she would leave. Or when he’d have to, like it or not, send her away.
He’d sent her away once. He couldn’t promise never to do it again. And, to save her life, he would do it again. Sending her away wasn’t the same as leaving her behind, which he had promised not to do.
But until then they’d take what they could have.
In the silent night, in the familiar surroundings of her bedroom, she lay revealed to him in the dim glow of the light from the hallway. Naked except for the necklace he’d given her, the model of his TARDIS lying in the hollow of her throat, she was beautiful.
And later, as she lay sleeping in his arms after they’d loved each other again, the words never spoken but not needing to be, he smiled. She was his for as long as they had together. And, when she eventually left him, she would carry a piece of his home, a piece of him, with her for the rest of her life. Just as he would carry her with him, in his hearts, for the rest of his lives, as he did everyone he’d loved.
It wasn’t forever. It wasn’t happy ever after. But it was now, and that was enough.
***
to be concluded in the Epilogue