I've been needing to write things down again. I used to like getting spyed on, but anymore I just want to keep things to myself or to one friend at a coffee shop or to this thing, I guess, where no one visits at all. And since my boss just left me alone for the final minutes of work, and there's no way in hell I can continue sifting through the ( Read more... )

Life has afforded me more opportunities than I have taken advantage of, and when I sit down and think about all the waste, it makes me very sick ( Read more... )

Even though my hands shook when I returned her first phone call in four months. Even though I meant to act casually, to hold my head up. Even though I cried, finally, at the end of our three hours. Even though this time we must be approached mechanically, systematically,without such a fever if we are going to have a fighting chance. I am sure ( Read more... )

Some things do not dissolve into the earth
As skin, as light.

Grief like an empty bed
Is restless

And memories stay and scratch
and scratch and are always close

The tired heart with nothing else to say
only asks of the ground

shade and protection-
a trillium hidden deep in the woods.

I love you.

Let me rephrase: I love you, and I can live without you and be marginally happy and comfortable.

...In the same way that I could settle down with a man or a woman that supports me and be a full-time mommy who conducts the choir at church ( Read more... )

The air is different in foreign rooms. I wake up with sand in my mouth, throat raw from screaming and laughing and crying out all that air. The bones in my legs burn from running and all the time I spend on my knees. There are scratches on my back, bruises on my thighs, scars from cuts I thought would heal better. I walked home this morning in ( Read more... )

I've got to stop being so damn emo. To be fair, I only write in this thing when I'm sad, which gives people the wrong impression entirely. Not to say I haven't always been secretly emo. And not to say that anyone actually reads my eljay anyway. But still ( Read more... )

The oberlin leaves were profound this fall. They turned red and glossy like organs in October; I came back and they had blown away, leaving the tree bones looking old and naked. Everywhere I walk, I sift through the dry and withered versions of those colors, dusty browns beneath my Uggs. I sought out change; winter, so symbolic of death, may be ( Read more... )

I murdered my lover.

Do you know that I can't breathe when I read your words? They release chemicals in my brain, and the chemicals feel like water in my lungs. I'm sitting here trying to learn German and gasping for air ( Read more... )