Till Death Do Us Part
Dying Inside
They were watching TV, leaning against each other at his lover’s apartment when out of the blue the man he was in love him asked the “the” question.
“I know we’re young and we haven’t been together for a long time. But I don’t want to waste my time holding onto uncertainty. I can’t give you luxurious thing or afford a maid to help you, but will you marry me anyway, Kim Jaejoong?”
It was unromantic, totally ordinary and unexpected. But he replied to him in the same manner anyway, “Yes, I will.”
They flew to Vegas with Yunho’s savings, stayed at a cheap motel and enjoyed their short 1 week honeymoon. “I proposed, so I don’t want to use your money.” That’s what he was told when he insisted to extend their stay with his money.
They moved to a bigger apartment and Jaejoong learned to cook and doing the house chores. His parents passed away when he was still in college, leaving him quite an amount in the bank from their insurance, a large house and an expensive car. He sold everything and used the money to build his own small business when he married Yunho. Three years later Moonbin came into their life. And Jaejoong always thought that their life was perfect. Happily ever after.
Apparently they’re no such thing as a perfect life. No happily ever after like in the fairy tale.
They promised to love each other through richer and poorer. They got through it.
They promised to love each other till death do them part. It came too soon.
His mind was in a haze since the day he lost his husband. He felt like he’s been living in an illusion… that whatever happened between them never happened at all. And he’s so afraid that he couldn’t see what he lives for tomorrow.
He was the one who knew first that Yunho’s time was ending… death was coming... when he opened his eyes in the middle of his coma, there was such a commotion. Changmin thought that he was back to life but Jaejoong knew better. He knew that his husband wanted to say goodbye and he wanted to see him for one last time.
The way he looked at him, at his brother and their bestfriends… the way he took his breath heavily one by one… he kept holding onto his hands, caressing the spot where he could feel the pulse until it beat no more. He whispered to him that he loved him until the end, there would be no one else. He wanted to shout and cried to God to not let him live a little longer. But his baby needed him. Their son who hadn’t been able to see his father’s final moment would break down. And there couldn’t be two people broke down at that moment, one was heartbreaking enough to those who saw.
Nothing could explain how he felt when he held his baby boy… How he wanted to break free from his embrace to run to his cold and lifeless father but he couldn’t let him see him the way that he was, he wanted his baby to see his beloved Dad in a clean state, no trace of pain nor tears on his face. So he held him back while whispering words of consolation in his ear.
‘Why did he leave me, why didn’t he wait for me…’ he sobbed in his arms. Oh baby, he wanted to wait for you so bad, I wanted him to see you too.
His son looked so young in his tears and desperation. Right then he vowed to himself not to let him breakdown for the second time. He should be strong for Moonbin, he has no one else but him.
Changmin, Yoochun and Junsu helped with the funeral arrangement. His mother in law refused to come, saying that she wasn’t strong enough to see his dead son, not ready to face the bitter truth that he was the one who lived shorter than the sickly old woman who had always been ready to leave the world. He understood.
And then there were guests to attend to… relatives… Yunho’s colleagues… students who cried over losing more than just a teacher but also a friend in him. He wanted to run away when they nailed down the coffin, no more chance to touch him and looked at his face. But his son’s hysterical cry gave him the ability to stand ever stronger. And maybe he had no more tears to spill. Or so he thought.
When people had gone home and the house had been cleaned, he and Moonbin said goodnight to each other. He couldn’t close his eyes. Yunho’s scent was all over the bedroom though he hadn’t slept in there for more than a year. When he rolled himself to the other side of the bed, he began to think that maybe the bed was too big for himself and suddenly he felt nauseous. He ran to the bathroom and tried to throw up. Nothing came out… he just remembered that he hadn’t eaten anything since the funeral. He tried to go back to sleep but he kept remembering things that he’d rather forget and his stomach started aching.
So he went down and was surprised to see the kitchen lights were on. He glanced at the clock, 1am. He saw the shadow of his son in front of the stove and he walked nearer.
“Hey baby, what you’re doing?”
He seemed surprised too to see you him down there. “Oh, I can’t sleep and I’m a bit hungry so I’m cooking a ramyeon. You want some, Daddy?”
Considering your empty stomach, maybe a little food will make you easier to sleep. “Sure, mind to make another one for me?”
“Nah… the water just boiled, I’ll just add another one.”
You sat at the kitchen counter looking at the back of your Son… sure he had no blood relation with both of you but you couldn’t deny the similarity with your husband in his face. After all, it was said that when a child was still a baby they’re taking after the face of the person whom they see the most.
When they adopted him Jaejoong knew nothing about a baby, having grown up and an only child and spoilt by his parents. But Yunho was experienced in taking care of his step brother. His father left him and his mother when he was five; and returned later when he was in middle school just to leave Changmin - the son of his second wife - with him and his mother when his mother died. His mother treated him like she treated himself, ‘A child had no mistake, it was the parents mistake but they always become the victim.’ Yunho said that’s what his mother told him when Changmin came. Jaejoong had come to love him like his own brother too.
But it was Yunho who bathed him until he was 1 year old, and fed him until he was 6 months old. Jaejoong only cared for him full time when he thought Moonbin was big enough. Babies scared him, they look so fragile and weak and he was afraid that he would break them. Maybe that’s why Moonbin looked more like Yunho when he grew up.
He was lost in his train of thought when suddenly a bowl of steaming noodle was placed in front of him and Moonbin was seated in front of him.
“Here Daddy, eat it while it’s hot.”
“Thanks Bin.”
They ate in silence and once they were done none of them make a move to clean up the dishes. They just sat there without saying a word until Moonbin started to speak.
“Do you remember when I was 8 and tried to help you clean up the house? I spilled a bucket of water all over the living room and I cried because you were so angry at me. But Dad just laughed about it and said that I was a good boy who tried to help his Daddy.”
He snorted, “Yeah, he said that but then I was the one who ended up cleaning while he went out to take you out for an ice cream.”
Moonbin laughed, “Right! But we brought you some when we came back, remember?”
“Right… you did.”
“And remember the day when I asked him for dog and he brought home Taepoong? You were so furious at him for not asking you first about having a pet in the house!”
“You have asthma! He seemed to forget that fact when he tried to please you, baby! And it was a Siberian Husky, he was cute when he was small but look at him now! He’s a giant!”
“Lucky Uncle Chun didn’t mind to take care of him.” They laughed remembering the guilty look on Yunho’s face when Moonbin had his asthma attack after cuddling with Taepoong.
When the laughter died down they both fell into a stretched silence once again. Each had a memory of their beloved husband and father. And that’s when he heard a broken whisper of his son.
“I missed him Daddy… I’m so afraid.”
He glanced at his son and saw the tears that started to fall on his face. He held out and held his hand? “What are you afraid of?”
“I’m afraid of forgetting him. It’s hard for me to remember his old self, Daddy… All I kept seeing is his thin and sickly body, the pain and the shame in his face when he couldn’t hold back himself from dirtying the bed…” He sobbed hard and Jaejoong walked out of his seat to hold him again.
“Don’t remember it, only remember the good things that we went through like what we did just now…”
“But it’s hard, Daddy… it’s very hard! I’m sorry, I don’t want to remember him that way, I don’t!”
He still didn’t cry while he was holding his son in his arms. He didn’t have the heart to tell him what he’d been feeling since his husband was buried 6 feet under.
‘I’m dying inside too.’
In the morning he called Changmin, Yoochun and Junsu. The first thing that he told them and Moonbin was, "Take out all of Yunho's clothes out of the wardrobe. Take whatever you want and donate the rest."
They didn't dare to say anything to him. He saw that Moonbin kept a couple of his polo shirt. And his brother in law asked him, "Errr, Jae... do you- do you want to keep something?"
"No. And please take the shoes too, I believe that he only had one or two left? He had given them to you before right?" Changmin nodded. "Great, I want to clean up the the house and his bedroom by this weekend." He knew his brother in law was staring at him but he pretended not to see it. There were unspoken questions hanging in the air, but no one dared to ask and he wouldn't want to give an answer.
He cleaned up the first floor's guest room, turning it back into something that it was supposed to be, getting rid of the unused adult diapers and painkillers, changing the sheets. And then he moved to the bathroom, taking out the stool that Yunho used to seat in the tub, throwing away his toothbrush and changed the liquid soap with something that smells better.
Monday came and he looked around the house... no more sign of illness and pain all over the place. But he felt something else in his heart.
He felt empty. As empty as the bed next to him. And people lied when they told him that he would smell him no more when he get rid of his clothes. In fact, his scent was stronger, permeating in every single thing that he could see and touch. The feeling came back in a rush.
‘I’m dying inside too.’
~ o ~ o ~
Previous I Next
They were watching TV, leaning against each other at his lover’s apartment when out of the blue the man he was in love him asked the “the” question.
“I know we’re young and we haven’t been together for a long time. But I don’t want to waste my time holding onto uncertainty. I can’t give you luxurious thing or afford a maid to help you, but will you marry me anyway, Kim Jaejoong?”
It was unromantic, totally ordinary and unexpected. But he replied to him in the same manner anyway, “Yes, I will.”
They flew to Vegas with Yunho’s savings, stayed at a cheap motel and enjoyed their short 1 week honeymoon. “I proposed, so I don’t want to use your money.” That’s what he was told when he insisted to extend their stay with his money.
They moved to a bigger apartment and Jaejoong learned to cook and doing the house chores. His parents passed away when he was still in college, leaving him quite an amount in the bank from their insurance, a large house and an expensive car. He sold everything and used the money to build his own small business when he married Yunho. Three years later Moonbin came into their life. And Jaejoong always thought that their life was perfect. Happily ever after.
Apparently they’re no such thing as a perfect life. No happily ever after like in the fairy tale.
They promised to love each other through richer and poorer. They got through it.
They promised to love each other till death do them part. It came too soon.
His mind was in a haze since the day he lost his husband. He felt like he’s been living in an illusion… that whatever happened between them never happened at all. And he’s so afraid that he couldn’t see what he lives for tomorrow.
He was the one who knew first that Yunho’s time was ending… death was coming... when he opened his eyes in the middle of his coma, there was such a commotion. Changmin thought that he was back to life but Jaejoong knew better. He knew that his husband wanted to say goodbye and he wanted to see him for one last time.
The way he looked at him, at his brother and their bestfriends… the way he took his breath heavily one by one… he kept holding onto his hands, caressing the spot where he could feel the pulse until it beat no more. He whispered to him that he loved him until the end, there would be no one else. He wanted to shout and cried to God to not let him live a little longer. But his baby needed him. Their son who hadn’t been able to see his father’s final moment would break down. And there couldn’t be two people broke down at that moment, one was heartbreaking enough to those who saw.
Nothing could explain how he felt when he held his baby boy… How he wanted to break free from his embrace to run to his cold and lifeless father but he couldn’t let him see him the way that he was, he wanted his baby to see his beloved Dad in a clean state, no trace of pain nor tears on his face. So he held him back while whispering words of consolation in his ear.
‘Why did he leave me, why didn’t he wait for me…’ he sobbed in his arms. Oh baby, he wanted to wait for you so bad, I wanted him to see you too.
His son looked so young in his tears and desperation. Right then he vowed to himself not to let him breakdown for the second time. He should be strong for Moonbin, he has no one else but him.
Changmin, Yoochun and Junsu helped with the funeral arrangement. His mother in law refused to come, saying that she wasn’t strong enough to see his dead son, not ready to face the bitter truth that he was the one who lived shorter than the sickly old woman who had always been ready to leave the world. He understood.
And then there were guests to attend to… relatives… Yunho’s colleagues… students who cried over losing more than just a teacher but also a friend in him. He wanted to run away when they nailed down the coffin, no more chance to touch him and looked at his face. But his son’s hysterical cry gave him the ability to stand ever stronger. And maybe he had no more tears to spill. Or so he thought.
When people had gone home and the house had been cleaned, he and Moonbin said goodnight to each other. He couldn’t close his eyes. Yunho’s scent was all over the bedroom though he hadn’t slept in there for more than a year. When he rolled himself to the other side of the bed, he began to think that maybe the bed was too big for himself and suddenly he felt nauseous. He ran to the bathroom and tried to throw up. Nothing came out… he just remembered that he hadn’t eaten anything since the funeral. He tried to go back to sleep but he kept remembering things that he’d rather forget and his stomach started aching.
So he went down and was surprised to see the kitchen lights were on. He glanced at the clock, 1am. He saw the shadow of his son in front of the stove and he walked nearer.
“Hey baby, what you’re doing?”
He seemed surprised too to see you him down there. “Oh, I can’t sleep and I’m a bit hungry so I’m cooking a ramyeon. You want some, Daddy?”
Considering your empty stomach, maybe a little food will make you easier to sleep. “Sure, mind to make another one for me?”
“Nah… the water just boiled, I’ll just add another one.”
You sat at the kitchen counter looking at the back of your Son… sure he had no blood relation with both of you but you couldn’t deny the similarity with your husband in his face. After all, it was said that when a child was still a baby they’re taking after the face of the person whom they see the most.
When they adopted him Jaejoong knew nothing about a baby, having grown up and an only child and spoilt by his parents. But Yunho was experienced in taking care of his step brother. His father left him and his mother when he was five; and returned later when he was in middle school just to leave Changmin - the son of his second wife - with him and his mother when his mother died. His mother treated him like she treated himself, ‘A child had no mistake, it was the parents mistake but they always become the victim.’ Yunho said that’s what his mother told him when Changmin came. Jaejoong had come to love him like his own brother too.
But it was Yunho who bathed him until he was 1 year old, and fed him until he was 6 months old. Jaejoong only cared for him full time when he thought Moonbin was big enough. Babies scared him, they look so fragile and weak and he was afraid that he would break them. Maybe that’s why Moonbin looked more like Yunho when he grew up.
He was lost in his train of thought when suddenly a bowl of steaming noodle was placed in front of him and Moonbin was seated in front of him.
“Here Daddy, eat it while it’s hot.”
“Thanks Bin.”
They ate in silence and once they were done none of them make a move to clean up the dishes. They just sat there without saying a word until Moonbin started to speak.
“Do you remember when I was 8 and tried to help you clean up the house? I spilled a bucket of water all over the living room and I cried because you were so angry at me. But Dad just laughed about it and said that I was a good boy who tried to help his Daddy.”
He snorted, “Yeah, he said that but then I was the one who ended up cleaning while he went out to take you out for an ice cream.”
Moonbin laughed, “Right! But we brought you some when we came back, remember?”
“Right… you did.”
“And remember the day when I asked him for dog and he brought home Taepoong? You were so furious at him for not asking you first about having a pet in the house!”
“You have asthma! He seemed to forget that fact when he tried to please you, baby! And it was a Siberian Husky, he was cute when he was small but look at him now! He’s a giant!”
“Lucky Uncle Chun didn’t mind to take care of him.” They laughed remembering the guilty look on Yunho’s face when Moonbin had his asthma attack after cuddling with Taepoong.
When the laughter died down they both fell into a stretched silence once again. Each had a memory of their beloved husband and father. And that’s when he heard a broken whisper of his son.
“I missed him Daddy… I’m so afraid.”
He glanced at his son and saw the tears that started to fall on his face. He held out and held his hand? “What are you afraid of?”
“I’m afraid of forgetting him. It’s hard for me to remember his old self, Daddy… All I kept seeing is his thin and sickly body, the pain and the shame in his face when he couldn’t hold back himself from dirtying the bed…” He sobbed hard and Jaejoong walked out of his seat to hold him again.
“Don’t remember it, only remember the good things that we went through like what we did just now…”
“But it’s hard, Daddy… it’s very hard! I’m sorry, I don’t want to remember him that way, I don’t!”
He still didn’t cry while he was holding his son in his arms. He didn’t have the heart to tell him what he’d been feeling since his husband was buried 6 feet under.
‘I’m dying inside too.’
In the morning he called Changmin, Yoochun and Junsu. The first thing that he told them and Moonbin was, "Take out all of Yunho's clothes out of the wardrobe. Take whatever you want and donate the rest."
They didn't dare to say anything to him. He saw that Moonbin kept a couple of his polo shirt. And his brother in law asked him, "Errr, Jae... do you- do you want to keep something?"
"No. And please take the shoes too, I believe that he only had one or two left? He had given them to you before right?" Changmin nodded. "Great, I want to clean up the the house and his bedroom by this weekend." He knew his brother in law was staring at him but he pretended not to see it. There were unspoken questions hanging in the air, but no one dared to ask and he wouldn't want to give an answer.
He cleaned up the first floor's guest room, turning it back into something that it was supposed to be, getting rid of the unused adult diapers and painkillers, changing the sheets. And then he moved to the bathroom, taking out the stool that Yunho used to seat in the tub, throwing away his toothbrush and changed the liquid soap with something that smells better.
Monday came and he looked around the house... no more sign of illness and pain all over the place. But he felt something else in his heart.
He felt empty. As empty as the bed next to him. And people lied when they told him that he would smell him no more when he get rid of his clothes. In fact, his scent was stronger, permeating in every single thing that he could see and touch. The feeling came back in a rush.
‘I’m dying inside too.’
~ o ~ o ~
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