Till Death Do Us Part
Forever Love
“Will you still love me when I’m old?”
“Why asking? Where’s this coming from?”
“Come on Jae, answer me. Will you still love me even when I’m old and had wrinkles and don’t have the body that you’re holding right now? Will you stay?”
“…” He sighed contently as he put his head on his lover’s chest. “I love you now, I loved you then, I’ll love you forever no matter how you may look like though I’m sure you’ll be a handsome old man. Nothing will make me go away… I’ll stay…”
He could feel the other man’s lips on his forehead, smiling as he told him, “Thank you, honey. I’ll hold on to it… I’ll love you forever too... I’ll never leave…”
Jaejoong closed his eyes and held him tighter. But he felt that he’s holding onto the wind as he jumped from his position to look for the love of his life.
“Yunho… Yunho where are you?? Yunho, don’t go away! You said you’ll love me forever too, you said you’ll stay! Yunho!”
And he kept calling his name as he searched the house for him until he’s exhausted and started weeping on the floor. “You said you’ll stay… you said you won’t go away… Yunho…”
Then the world shook while he kept weeping and wailing for his lost love… He didn’t care anymore if it’s an earthquake or another nature disaster, he couldn’t find his Yunho.
“…… lease…”
“… -ddy …. -ke up… “
“Jae, wake up!”
He opened his eyes and shouted his name in panic, “YUNHO!”
A pair of eyes was staring down at him in shock. But it was not Yunho. He looked around as if he was in a dream… “Yunho…”
“Hyung, are you awake now?” His brother in law was helping him to sit on his bed while rubbing soothing circles on his back.
“Min… Yunho…”
“Hyung… are you dreaming of him again?” He asked him softly as he asked Moonbin to wet a towel and wiped Jae’s face with it as soon as the boy handed it back to him.
“It was… a dream?” He stared blankly into the wall in front of him.
“Daddy…” Moonbin tried to say something to him but it seemed that he couldn’t find another word.
“Bin… your Dad… Yunho…” Those were the words that he couldn’t stop saying as he recalled his dream of their vow back when they were still dating.
Moonbin looked pained as he tried to smile.
“Binnie, aren’t you late for your class? Maybe you should leave earlier to have a time to get something to eat. It’s almost noon.”
“Yeah… I- I think I should go now. Bye Uncle Min,” he hugged the man and turned to face his father again. “Bye Daddy, see you later.” He kissed him and walked away.
Both men didn’t say anything for a while. Changmin silently helped Jaejoong to change his clothe that’s wet with sweat. And after the patient settled himself on his bed again Changmin grabbed a visitor chair from sat next to his bed.
“Jae…”
“Don’t say it! I know what you’re going to say, just don’t say it!” his voice tensed and heavy with emotion.
“You know I can’t let you drown deeper in misery so I’m still going to say it… Jae you-“
“DON’T SAY IT!” He screamed at his face.
“Jae, you have to move on!!”
“STOP IT!”
Changmin yanked the hands that covered his ears, “Yunho is no longer here! My brother is dead Jae! MOVE ON!”
“Damnit! I said STOP!”
The younger man tried to pry and keep the other man’s hands from covering his ears. They struggled until a nurse who heard the commotion opened the door. She was confused and didn’t know what to do, but Changmin told that they’re fine, and he’s just “trying to get some sense into his brother in law’s mind”. She understood and signaled him to call her if he needs help.
They finally stopped and Jaejoong was a sobbing mess on the bed. Changmin slowly pulled him into his embrace. Jaejoong resisted for a few seconds before he surrendered and fisting the front of Min’s shirt.
He bawled his eyes out as he screamed into Min’s chest.
“He promised me that we’re going to grow old together, Min! He promised me!!”
“I know Jae, but he didn’t mean to leave you so soon, he loved you…”
“But he promised me!! He left me alone!! He left me!!”
It went on for half an hour until Jaejoong stopped crying from exhaustion. Changmin fixed his bed and laid him down while holding his hand, Jaejoong refused to let it go. Only when the older man’s breathing evened out that Changmin dared to speak again.
“Jae…” he felt his hand stiffen in his. “I didn’t ask you to forget him… but you can’t let yourself washed away by sadness and loss. Remember that you have another person who needs you. Moonbin needs you…”
“Binnie…” he mumbled his name softly.
“Yes, Binnie needs you. It’s hard for him too… he just lost a father but he feels like losing another one right now. He’s tired Jae… don’t you see it? He’s here before you wake up in the morning and he’s here before you sleep at night and went to college in between. He needs you Jae…” He gripped his hand firmly, as if assuring him that he needs him too to be there in the stead of his brother.
“Min… I miss him so much…” And tears started to fall again, wetting his cheeks, down to his neck and into his shirt.
Changmin sighed. “I miss my brother too Jae… but he wouldn’t want us to be sad. He would want us to keep on living with his memory and take care of Moonbin just like he did. He’s never gone Jae… he’s here… “ he touched his brother in law’s chest. “He lived inside you… he held on strong until his last breath, and he would want you to do the same, even without him.”
As Jaejoong’s cry ceased he handed him a little note book. Jaejoong looked at him in puzzle.
“It’s Moonbin’s doodling note book… I stole it from his bedroom when I went there to get your change. Read it, and maybe you’ll get your strength back from it.”
He accepted the little spiral note book and started to open the page. He didn’t even hear Changmin opened the door and went out.
~ o ~ o ~
There’s no date at all in every page. Just lines of words in his son’s handwriting. Some short and some long with a few sketched of emoticons. His hands shook when he started reading.
“The nightmare begins. Dad said he had cancer.”
“I’m so afraid to see Dad’s face this morning. Thank God Daddy hasn’t changed. He still smiles a lot.”
“I didn’t mean to say those words to Dad! What do I do???” *sad emoticon*
“Why do I have an exam when I need to be with Dad?”
“Dad’s angry at me. But I need a little breather. I can’t breathe whenever he looks at me.”
“Daddy’s so strong, I’m so proud of him! He never complained and his calmness in facing all this comforts me.”
“I know Daddy’s tired, but I can see how much he loves Dad. Can I be like them when I’m married? That’s my dream… yeah, to be like Daddy. He’s so strong and he never complained even once no matter what Dad said or when he threw tantrums. Wow…” *smiley*
“Dad’s back in the hospital. God please let him live!” *crying emoticon*
“I can’t sleep… I kept dreaming of my childhood and seeing Dad so strong and looked like he would live forever.”
“Still can’t sleep… I talked to Dad through the phone… Uncle Min said that he listened and he cried.”
The tears kept falling freely and his eyes hurt. But he couldn’t stop his fingers from flipping the page.
“Dad’s gone. And I wasn’t there with him.” *three crying emoticons*
“It was a beautiful funeral but I’m so ashamed of myself for being weak and kept crying. Daddy hasn’t cried.”
“Daddy wanted us to get rid of Dad’s stuff. I stole one of his shirts, Daddy didn’t know.”
“I miss Dad. So much.”
“Why did Dad leave us so soon? I hope God didn’t make a mistake.”
“I miss Daddy too. He didn’t smile as much now.”
“Daddy forgot again that Dad’s not here anymore. He still made his coffee this morning. I drank it so he won’t be sad. Maybe I should learn to like coffee.”
“I want to talk about Dad to Daddy… but I can’t. I miss Daddy too. Dad, I wish you’re still here so Daddy will keep smiling.”
“I’m so afraid. Daddy looked paler these days. Did he miss sleep? I want to ask him, I really do… but I can’t. I’m afraid that I’ll make him sad.”
“Daddy passed out. I’m so scared.”
“I miss Dad but he’s not here. I miss Daddy more. He won’t talk to me and tell me what’s wrong. Maybe Uncle Min can.”
“I’m exhausted. But Daddy should be out of the hospital anytime, I can’t let the house gets dirty. Gaaah, I hate moping the floor!” *tongue out emoticon*
“Tiiiiiiiired…” *pouting emoticon*
“Doc said it’s only fatigue and stress. I guess I haven’t been much help for Daddy… Dad, I’m sorry that I didn’t take good care of Daddy like you asked me too!” *sad emoticon*
“Yes, I’m tired. I hope I can keep my eyes opened to work on my assignment. Midnight’s the only time I got. I have to get up in the morning to see Daddy and I can’t leave him before I see him asleep.”
Jaejoong closed the book and caressed his son’s name on the cover fondly, JUNG MOONBIN.
He still remembers the day clearly when Moonbin first asked them why did he have two men as parents unlike his friends. That’s also the day when he was informed that he’s adopted. He cried first, saying that he wasn’t wanted by his biological parents. He thought they didn’t want him because he’s bad.
When he first entered secondary school they both came to see their teacher and explained about their family. The teachers and principal liked the couple so much, they even asked Yunho once to helped the school’s PE teacher coaching their baseball team. And Jaejoong was always one to help volunteering in every occasion. Moonbin was so proud of his name and started to doodle JUNG MOONBIN everywhere. He said he wanted to be like his Dad.
But only Jaejoong was here now. His Daddy’s all he got. He had forgotten that fact and drowned himself in sorrow. He’s ashamed to admit that he wished he was sick too so he could leave the world to be with his husband once again.
Yunho is no longer here. But he lives. And he has to wake up from the dream and back on his two feet. He’s a father. And he has a son who needs him.
Surprisingly, after the emotional toll that he’d been through for the last few hours, he finally felt at peace. And as sleepiness took over he smiled and whispered to the wind, ‘You’ll have to wait for me Yunho… lend me your strength to be a father that your son can rely on. I love you forever… till we meet again.’
And Changmin finally can breathe when he saw his brother in law’s serene face as he entered his hospital room. ‘Thank you brother.’
~ o ~ o ~
Previous I Next
“Will you still love me when I’m old?”
“Why asking? Where’s this coming from?”
“Come on Jae, answer me. Will you still love me even when I’m old and had wrinkles and don’t have the body that you’re holding right now? Will you stay?”
“…” He sighed contently as he put his head on his lover’s chest. “I love you now, I loved you then, I’ll love you forever no matter how you may look like though I’m sure you’ll be a handsome old man. Nothing will make me go away… I’ll stay…”
He could feel the other man’s lips on his forehead, smiling as he told him, “Thank you, honey. I’ll hold on to it… I’ll love you forever too... I’ll never leave…”
Jaejoong closed his eyes and held him tighter. But he felt that he’s holding onto the wind as he jumped from his position to look for the love of his life.
“Yunho… Yunho where are you?? Yunho, don’t go away! You said you’ll love me forever too, you said you’ll stay! Yunho!”
And he kept calling his name as he searched the house for him until he’s exhausted and started weeping on the floor. “You said you’ll stay… you said you won’t go away… Yunho…”
Then the world shook while he kept weeping and wailing for his lost love… He didn’t care anymore if it’s an earthquake or another nature disaster, he couldn’t find his Yunho.
“…… lease…”
“… -ddy …. -ke up… “
“Jae, wake up!”
He opened his eyes and shouted his name in panic, “YUNHO!”
A pair of eyes was staring down at him in shock. But it was not Yunho. He looked around as if he was in a dream… “Yunho…”
“Hyung, are you awake now?” His brother in law was helping him to sit on his bed while rubbing soothing circles on his back.
“Min… Yunho…”
“Hyung… are you dreaming of him again?” He asked him softly as he asked Moonbin to wet a towel and wiped Jae’s face with it as soon as the boy handed it back to him.
“It was… a dream?” He stared blankly into the wall in front of him.
“Daddy…” Moonbin tried to say something to him but it seemed that he couldn’t find another word.
“Bin… your Dad… Yunho…” Those were the words that he couldn’t stop saying as he recalled his dream of their vow back when they were still dating.
Moonbin looked pained as he tried to smile.
“Binnie, aren’t you late for your class? Maybe you should leave earlier to have a time to get something to eat. It’s almost noon.”
“Yeah… I- I think I should go now. Bye Uncle Min,” he hugged the man and turned to face his father again. “Bye Daddy, see you later.” He kissed him and walked away.
Both men didn’t say anything for a while. Changmin silently helped Jaejoong to change his clothe that’s wet with sweat. And after the patient settled himself on his bed again Changmin grabbed a visitor chair from sat next to his bed.
“Jae…”
“Don’t say it! I know what you’re going to say, just don’t say it!” his voice tensed and heavy with emotion.
“You know I can’t let you drown deeper in misery so I’m still going to say it… Jae you-“
“DON’T SAY IT!” He screamed at his face.
“Jae, you have to move on!!”
“STOP IT!”
Changmin yanked the hands that covered his ears, “Yunho is no longer here! My brother is dead Jae! MOVE ON!”
“Damnit! I said STOP!”
The younger man tried to pry and keep the other man’s hands from covering his ears. They struggled until a nurse who heard the commotion opened the door. She was confused and didn’t know what to do, but Changmin told that they’re fine, and he’s just “trying to get some sense into his brother in law’s mind”. She understood and signaled him to call her if he needs help.
They finally stopped and Jaejoong was a sobbing mess on the bed. Changmin slowly pulled him into his embrace. Jaejoong resisted for a few seconds before he surrendered and fisting the front of Min’s shirt.
He bawled his eyes out as he screamed into Min’s chest.
“He promised me that we’re going to grow old together, Min! He promised me!!”
“I know Jae, but he didn’t mean to leave you so soon, he loved you…”
“But he promised me!! He left me alone!! He left me!!”
It went on for half an hour until Jaejoong stopped crying from exhaustion. Changmin fixed his bed and laid him down while holding his hand, Jaejoong refused to let it go. Only when the older man’s breathing evened out that Changmin dared to speak again.
“Jae…” he felt his hand stiffen in his. “I didn’t ask you to forget him… but you can’t let yourself washed away by sadness and loss. Remember that you have another person who needs you. Moonbin needs you…”
“Binnie…” he mumbled his name softly.
“Yes, Binnie needs you. It’s hard for him too… he just lost a father but he feels like losing another one right now. He’s tired Jae… don’t you see it? He’s here before you wake up in the morning and he’s here before you sleep at night and went to college in between. He needs you Jae…” He gripped his hand firmly, as if assuring him that he needs him too to be there in the stead of his brother.
“Min… I miss him so much…” And tears started to fall again, wetting his cheeks, down to his neck and into his shirt.
Changmin sighed. “I miss my brother too Jae… but he wouldn’t want us to be sad. He would want us to keep on living with his memory and take care of Moonbin just like he did. He’s never gone Jae… he’s here… “ he touched his brother in law’s chest. “He lived inside you… he held on strong until his last breath, and he would want you to do the same, even without him.”
As Jaejoong’s cry ceased he handed him a little note book. Jaejoong looked at him in puzzle.
“It’s Moonbin’s doodling note book… I stole it from his bedroom when I went there to get your change. Read it, and maybe you’ll get your strength back from it.”
He accepted the little spiral note book and started to open the page. He didn’t even hear Changmin opened the door and went out.
~ o ~ o ~
There’s no date at all in every page. Just lines of words in his son’s handwriting. Some short and some long with a few sketched of emoticons. His hands shook when he started reading.
“The nightmare begins. Dad said he had cancer.”
“I’m so afraid to see Dad’s face this morning. Thank God Daddy hasn’t changed. He still smiles a lot.”
“I didn’t mean to say those words to Dad! What do I do???” *sad emoticon*
“Why do I have an exam when I need to be with Dad?”
“Dad’s angry at me. But I need a little breather. I can’t breathe whenever he looks at me.”
“Daddy’s so strong, I’m so proud of him! He never complained and his calmness in facing all this comforts me.”
“I know Daddy’s tired, but I can see how much he loves Dad. Can I be like them when I’m married? That’s my dream… yeah, to be like Daddy. He’s so strong and he never complained even once no matter what Dad said or when he threw tantrums. Wow…” *smiley*
“Dad’s back in the hospital. God please let him live!” *crying emoticon*
“I can’t sleep… I kept dreaming of my childhood and seeing Dad so strong and looked like he would live forever.”
“Still can’t sleep… I talked to Dad through the phone… Uncle Min said that he listened and he cried.”
The tears kept falling freely and his eyes hurt. But he couldn’t stop his fingers from flipping the page.
“Dad’s gone. And I wasn’t there with him.” *three crying emoticons*
“It was a beautiful funeral but I’m so ashamed of myself for being weak and kept crying. Daddy hasn’t cried.”
“Daddy wanted us to get rid of Dad’s stuff. I stole one of his shirts, Daddy didn’t know.”
“I miss Dad. So much.”
“Why did Dad leave us so soon? I hope God didn’t make a mistake.”
“I miss Daddy too. He didn’t smile as much now.”
“Daddy forgot again that Dad’s not here anymore. He still made his coffee this morning. I drank it so he won’t be sad. Maybe I should learn to like coffee.”
“I want to talk about Dad to Daddy… but I can’t. I miss Daddy too. Dad, I wish you’re still here so Daddy will keep smiling.”
“I’m so afraid. Daddy looked paler these days. Did he miss sleep? I want to ask him, I really do… but I can’t. I’m afraid that I’ll make him sad.”
“Daddy passed out. I’m so scared.”
“I miss Dad but he’s not here. I miss Daddy more. He won’t talk to me and tell me what’s wrong. Maybe Uncle Min can.”
“I’m exhausted. But Daddy should be out of the hospital anytime, I can’t let the house gets dirty. Gaaah, I hate moping the floor!” *tongue out emoticon*
“Tiiiiiiiired…” *pouting emoticon*
“Doc said it’s only fatigue and stress. I guess I haven’t been much help for Daddy… Dad, I’m sorry that I didn’t take good care of Daddy like you asked me too!” *sad emoticon*
“Yes, I’m tired. I hope I can keep my eyes opened to work on my assignment. Midnight’s the only time I got. I have to get up in the morning to see Daddy and I can’t leave him before I see him asleep.”
Jaejoong closed the book and caressed his son’s name on the cover fondly, JUNG MOONBIN.
He still remembers the day clearly when Moonbin first asked them why did he have two men as parents unlike his friends. That’s also the day when he was informed that he’s adopted. He cried first, saying that he wasn’t wanted by his biological parents. He thought they didn’t want him because he’s bad.
When he first entered secondary school they both came to see their teacher and explained about their family. The teachers and principal liked the couple so much, they even asked Yunho once to helped the school’s PE teacher coaching their baseball team. And Jaejoong was always one to help volunteering in every occasion. Moonbin was so proud of his name and started to doodle JUNG MOONBIN everywhere. He said he wanted to be like his Dad.
But only Jaejoong was here now. His Daddy’s all he got. He had forgotten that fact and drowned himself in sorrow. He’s ashamed to admit that he wished he was sick too so he could leave the world to be with his husband once again.
Yunho is no longer here. But he lives. And he has to wake up from the dream and back on his two feet. He’s a father. And he has a son who needs him.
Surprisingly, after the emotional toll that he’d been through for the last few hours, he finally felt at peace. And as sleepiness took over he smiled and whispered to the wind, ‘You’ll have to wait for me Yunho… lend me your strength to be a father that your son can rely on. I love you forever… till we meet again.’
And Changmin finally can breathe when he saw his brother in law’s serene face as he entered his hospital room. ‘Thank you brother.’
~ o ~ o ~
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