Here I am, contemplating which religion I should choose. You can make fun of how I look all you want, but keep in mind that my god will smite the hell out of you ( Read more... )

Every time you leave your house, you embark on a perilous journey full of dangers that are varied and plentiful. It could be in the form of a rabies infected chipmunk watching you listlessly from a tree with its unwavering black eyes, or a hobo who wants to touch your pretty hair and ends up giving you herpes. Still even more dangerous are the ( Read more... )

We all have a favorite band. I won't tell you what mine is, because even if you'd heard of them, which you haven't, you couldn't even begin to understand them. I like my favorite band because they're great. However, you like your favorite band because the hot girl at the record store likes them. You like them because that cool friend of yours with ( Read more... )

Like the stains on my bedsheets, the American people are remarkably diverse. We claim that our diversity is our strength, but other countries (Uruguay, I'm looking in your direction) know better. For the US of A to really dominate the globe with the frightful might of the undead, we need to excel in every field. Sure, we may have the largest army, ( Read more... )

When did it become okay to stop calling? I have recently been faced with the situation of, will he call?, why hasn't he called?, should I call him?, why hasn't he returned my call?, ooohhh now I see... But I am happy to see that he wasn't dead or trapped under something very heavy unable to reach the phone. He was, in fact, convienantly able to ( Read more... )

I often forget this in my bitter old age of nunyo gahdanm binuss, but the television of my youth wasn't a raging, fiery drunkard spitting mouthfuls of staticky venom and retarded nonsense at me. In fact, it was once a gentle beast, one that you could cradle in your arms and spend hours playing with in joyful abandon. Television had a great smile ( Read more... )

I once was a girl you could fall in love with...Now I'm a girl just falling.

Each day my friend and mentor, Mr. Television, reminds me that I live in a hellish dystopian world that's not really worth living in. I don't exactly need to explain why, as I'm sure all of you have seen the captivating images of various things and people exploding for causes both stupid and really stupid. This isn't anything new. Well, the ( Read more... )

The Unlord, the Master of Disaster, one part of the two part tag-team we like to call Christianity, Lucifer, the Devil, Old Scratch, Hammy the King of Lies, Potbelly's Three Cheese Toasted Sub, Satan. Call him what you will, he's been with us almost as long as this goddamn back pain, but signs seem to indicate that his popularity is beginning to ( Read more... )

As you undoubtedly know, many world-renowned economists and bearded old guys with cushy college tenure are solemnly declaring our current economic situation "grim," "bleak," and "too hot for television" these days. Although some of the more cynical readers out there may believe they say such things simply so they'll see their scraggly faces on CNN ( Read more... )