I didn't lose a hand either time I had to reach into the heating unit, nor was I electrocuted by the pools of water dripping out through live light fixtures. I've been waking up and talking about a sharp-beaked turtle that moves extra fast and how lizards that don't have fur are called chameleons.

I really don't like hearing the window washer crashing around anywhere near me. I really don't like it when the window washer makes an especially brazen series of crashes then is quiet for too long.

The best noise is the noise a scorpion mouse makes after it slays a scorpion. They're like tiny little wolves.

We saw the last movie because we needed closure and they fought the spider the same way I would have. I spent the night thinking about it, so I was happy that I was pretty on the mark, even though I always put them in a glass and let them go outside.

My eyebrows are turning white for the winter. If I look to my left I can see a tiger and two artichokes and behind me the Hudson is halfway frozen over.

I am twenty-six years old. I can never remember that and I get confused about when to be nervous and when to be angry and when I'll stop re-hashing the same misspent nights when it's time to go to sleep.

Michael Gabriel St. Jacques graduates from law school this afternoon. Mick fought the ninja that lived on the railroad tracks and had a Stairway to Heaven painted leather jacket and did amazing things that his little brothers would always emulate.

The Metal Storm videos remind me of Busch Gardens training films. When we watch My Morning Jacket perform on television without sound, they looked their name could be Metal Storm.

I think Brian is the only person I know that will get giddy about Metal Storm. Lucas's mom makes delicious cookies and Sonya gets weird when we eat at our diner.

She asked him why he kept arguing with dogs today and he ran into my leg chasing after a dog. My harrowing consumer victories are making me feel like an old man and my new slippers aren't helping either.