i really fcked up this time. I have so many bill, many many bills. and i dont fucked up paying them, thus i am broke in that very real sence. like i have nothing for six days. so he's had to spot me. i feel so incompetant. i keep failing like this. I wish i could just get it right. i'm supposed to be a professional and i cant even pay bills ( Read more... )

i am so appriciative of LJ responces when i get them. I realized how clear i was in the last entry thus i waranted several responces. I love this medium as an outlet but i am always caught in the struggle of not saying too much because i dont want to break someone else's confidentiality. I put my entries under the "friends" page because i ( Read more... )

Yestarday an old friend cursed me out on my voice mail. Someone who had helped me after the fire, given me a place to stay when i was homeless, helped move some of my things, and even fed me, now hates me. I never gave him enough in return. Some truth hurt his feelings. truth i wanted to share with him but couldnt because... well its ( Read more... )

i wanted to say to all of my LJ buddies that i,m sorry if ive been a moody jerk lately. i know i havent been too cool in some situations. I havent been myself... or i havent been the self i'm used to. Some old me has been coming up. Its stange to watch yourself do things that are wrong.. that are uncaring. Its strange that i can be unkind to ( Read more... )

I've been fearing all that i have worked so hard to build this year, mainly other friendships, im loosing. i just dont know who's going to stay present in my life. THere are people i want to be here, but i am so afraid of appearing too overwhealming. I mean, im not desparate, i just want to know i have family, and that my family is more than one ( Read more... )

the season is changing so violently. School has started and so have new relationships, others are dieing and i an growing restless through all this evolution. None of this change is negative- i just wish i could understand all the change i'm going through. I love the fall air ( Read more... )

i hate when i feel the way i do now. i found that certain bottles can really change that feeling. i hope that work will distract me. all those passions i spoke of in the last entry are turning on me now. i want to scream, hurt myself, skip work, leave "home." I am hurting so much right now- i dont feel like saying it poetically. i am being ( Read more... )

i feel like Beyonce- i am so crazy in love right now. it seemed to grow slowly and quietly under my distracted eyes. Then it hit. i am i some deep love. deep. The good as well as bad kind of love. I thought i was too progressive for jeloucy and insecurity. I'm not- I have been reaquainted with the negative side of love. its so crazy- its ( Read more... )

im so embarassed. for the past month i have been working on a new curriculum. i brought all that i did to the art education department chair at my college to review. she didnt like it. its so hard to accept critism from someone thats been your leader for four years. she told me i was doing my planning by the board of ed. way. it was too all ( Read more... )

i just know that i have love for him