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(Untitled)
I wish I was immortal, so I could slit my jugular over and over again and commit suicide a thousand times, for all the times I should have done it in the past. -
Day 2
Negative/Depressive/Anxious Feelings Experienced Today ( Read more... ) -
Self-Therapy: Lesson One
Limitations Caused by Anxiety:
- I cannot be alone comfortably, I feel a great sense of unease and loneliness, sometimes panic.
- I am sometimes unable to go out in public, for fear of many different things... people looking at me, judging me, that I'll have a panic attack, that I'll be embarrassed in some way.
- I avoid socializing, for fear of being ( Read more... ) -
Farewell, torn from my heart
I don't know what to say. I know I need to say or do something, but I feel immobilized. This is beyond strange. In the past, when severe trauma occurs in my life, I usually react emotionally. I sob uncontrollably, I try to commit suicide, I feel extreme desolation, anger, hatred, sorrow.... and I did feel those things last night, for a time. But I ( Read more... ) -
Introspection and Evaluation
If I'm going to make this work, I have to be more introspective than I ever have been before, and that's frightening to me. It intimidates me because I am naturally introspective as it is, and to look even deeper into my psyche than I already have is a terrible prospect. Still, it must be done.
My jealousy is out of control and I don't know why. Not ( Read more... ) -
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If there were a God, and he was merciful, he should obliterate me. No one should be allowed to suffer this way ( Read more... ) -
Divorce
It's time to admit to myself the things I already knew were true long ago. I loved Matt, but when I started falling for Jenn and Jay at the same time, shortly after getting engaged, I knew that I wasn't supposed to marry him. Someone who is TRULY happy with what they have rarely has a reason to desire love or fall for someone else. I've been this ( Read more... ) -
(Untitled)
I have sworn away love and companionships so many times, I can no longer remember exactly how many.... Being in love, truly, desperately in love with someone can weaken me. Allow me to be broken. I think I've been broken enough. Considering what I've been through, which many people do not know about (or care to know), I'm constantly surprised at ( Read more... ) -
(Untitled)
Underlined and Italicized statements are Almost Always True. Underlined are only true Sometimes.
Denial patterns:- I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
- I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
- I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
- I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
- I label ( Read more... )
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Separation
Every good, benevolent thing I have ever done for anyone never mattered. The love I had and still have for others never mattered. Nothing matters. I am broken, and I am reman here only because I am compelled by my human nature to preserve my own life. Everyone I love will leave me. Everything I cherish will be destroyed, while I remain. This is the ( Read more... )