Muffins 'Verse | #08; Changes
Title: Changes
Author: cocoplumb
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Jared/Jensen. Chris. angst. surgery. nothing graphic.
Warnings: cancer.
Word Count: 4600
Summary: Jensen is about to undergo his long and overdue surgery and Jared and Chris are there to support him.
Notes: Happy 2014! Not beta'd, sorreh.
Previous Parts: #01 | #02 | #03 | #04 | #05 | #06 | #07
The view from Jensen's hospital room was quite beautiful, clear calm blue filling the sky, contrasting with the manic street bellow, people rushing about their daily business like their lives depending it. The window stretched almost floor to the ceiling and the room was lit in a bright summer haze that felt completely wrong for a hospital.
Behind Jared, Jensen sighed from his bed, putting his cell down on the bedside table. “Well, Chris’s flight was officially cancelled. He’ll get here as soon as he can but it probably won’t be before I go into surgery.”
Jared nodded and picked at a lose thread on the pocket of his creased shirt, not sure what else to do. He had been wandering and pointing at stupid things out of the large window earlier. Then Jensen made him sit down because he said he couldn’t concentrate with Jared wearing a hole in the floor so Jared took to sitting at the rickety table and listened to Jensen's smooth and confident voice.
Jared’s parents had called earlier in the day to wish Jensen luck and Jared’s siblings phoned to say the same. Chris had called a few times in the last hour to check up on Jensen, to give him well wishes from the band and to update him on whether he’d managed to catch a plane or not. Not being the obvious answer by this point.
Though aside from Chris, Jensen had no one from his side, no one but his brother and it had been hours, he should be here by now or he should have called at least. It was driving Jared mad, it broke his heart and although he had kept mum on the subject so far, he couldn’t take it anymore. “What about your brother?”
Jensen looked utterly baffled. “What about my brother?”
“When is he coming? He hasn’t called once.” Jared hadn’t met him but there was no time like the present.
“You’re expecting my brother to come?” Jensen asked.
“Well, yeah. He’s your brother, I got the impression he was the only member of your family who hasn’t completely cut you out. You’ve been waiting for this day for so long, you’ve been sick for so long. He’s not here yet, it’s been hours and he’s not here and I don’t understand. Why isn’t he here?” A pit lay in Jared’s stomach like part of him already knew the answer.
“Oh.” Jensen shook his head apologetically; “I guess I didn’t explain myself really well back when I told you about my brother. When I said he’d be there if I ever needed to call him for anything, what I meant was, if I happened to be dying he would probably come…maybe, I hope so. I’m kind of counting on him for that, being my big brother and all. But for the most part, he’s on the same wavelength as my parents, fags are wrong and unholy and deserve all they get.”
Jared wasn’t sure what else he expected. “You said he visits,” he reminded Jensen.
“Oh, did I? Well that was probably me trying to reassure you I wasn’t a complete loner. I hated seeing that kicked puppy look on your face when you got all worried about me handling all of the cancer stuff by myself.” Jensen seemed so calm, too calm, too okay with being abandoned.
“So you lied to me on our first date?”
“No, I just didn’t to tell you the whole story. Just…can we not make today about my asshole of a family? The only thing I’ve needed from them in the last eight years is my college fund. Even that was reluctantly. I don’t need them to get through this, I have you,” Jensen sent him a kind look.
Jared relaxed his tense shoulders a little and moved away from the table to give Jensen a kiss on his smooth forehead. “Have I told you I love you?”
“Yes, four times today and counting, actually.” Jensen reached up with the hand without the IV and ran his palm over Jared’s shaved head. It still felt weird to wake up without hair. He spent many nights wondering how long it took Jensen to get used to being bald. “And I love you too. But you don’t have to keep saying it like you’re making sure it’s the last thing you might say to me.”
“I’m just being thorough.”
“Speaking of being thorough,” Jensen licked his cracked lips. There was a long beat of silence before he spoke again. “Jared, with this surgery, there’s a good chance I might never walk again.”
Jared sat down on the edge of Jensen's bed and held his hand between his own. “You know things like that don’t mean anything, as long as you’re okay. I don’t care if you can’t walk, I don’t care if you’re in a wheelchair for the rest of time and I have to carry you everywhere and I have to tie your shoes for you and cut up your food and spend the rest of my life looking after you, I don’t care-”
“Jay, would you stop talking for two seconds and listen to me,” Jensen interrupted with force and hurt. “The cancer might be worse than they think when they open me up, they might have to remove a crap ton of muscle and bone and ligaments in my spine, who knows. I could be paralyzed when I wake up.”
“I am listening, I’ve been listening. I always listen to your doctors when they ask me to step outside, those curtains aren’t soundproof. Hell, I even asked my brother to look into some of your medical files.” Jared’s face flushed with embarrassment.
“I know. I heard you two talking at the engagement party…” Jensen paused for a moment. “You never told me how scared you were.”
Jared couldn’t speak for a moment. He had a terrible memory with most things, but a conversation with his brother about how his boyfriend might die, that wasn’t something he’d forget in a hurry. He remembered all of what he’d said to Jeff that day, all of what Jensen must have heard and he felt ashamed. “Yeah well, you have enough on your plate without being my support system too.”
“Tough, that’s how relationships work.” Jensen gripped the front of Jared’s shirt and pulled him close. “Come here,” he muttered, almost sultry and pressed his lips against Jared’s, tasting him, deep and tender.
The nurse came in at that moment, interrupting their passionate kiss with a quiet cough. “Excuse me, but they’re ready for you in the OR.”
Jared felt a sudden rush of white-hot panic through his chest. All morning time had seemed to stand still, like it was never ending. Now Jensen's call time had come, everything was happening so fast, too fast, the excruciatingly slow wait suddenly felt like nothing but a speeding blur.
Jensen looked up at him, a wobbly smile cracking his lips. “I’ll see you on the other side?”
Jared nodded, not trusting his voice. He gripped Jensen's hand and squeezed. “I love you.”
“I love you too. Don’t be scared, Jay,” Jensen told him, and a small crowed of orderlies took him away.
-
Jared couldn’t wait in Jensen's hospital room so an orderly showed him to the OR waiting room. Despite the hot summer day, the small room had an ice-cold quality about it. The walls were grey and the floor was a mottled shade of blue, there wasn’t a single other person in sight besides a nurse at an overly obnoxious desk to his right.
Jared chose a random seat from the seven rows and sat down heavily. The arm rests that separated each chair squished Jared’s large frame and whatever way he twisted, he couldn’t find a comfortable position to sit in for the next who knows how many hours. He gave up after the fourth grunt and shuffle; the nurse was starting to glance irritably at him anyway.
As he sat there, two metal poles digging into his hips and a clammy cushion under his butt, he started to realise he had never felt so utterly in his whole life that right in that very moment. While he waited for the experts cut and sliced poison out of the man he so dearly loved with every fibre of his being.
For all that they had been through in the short months they had been together, there had always been something Jared could do for Jensen, light a candle for him, hold him when he shivered, feed him when he was too weak to even open his jaw, squeeze his hand and give him a reason to keep holding on when the pain was so brutal it consumed him. No matter how bad Jensen got, Jared had something to do. But all he could do now was stare into space and try not to puke on the sterile floor.
He watched the clock on the waiting room wall for almost an hour before he realised it was broken. He tried reading a magazine but none of the words made sense and his head started to hurt. He paced for some time until the aching in his legs overrode the ache behind his eyes and sat down when a nurse advised him to do so.
“He’ll be in there a while. You might want to go for a walk or grab something to eat,” she told him. She had mousy brown hair tide up in a tight knot on the top of her head, a pastel pink scrub uniform and a soft smile.
Jared wasn’t sure he could trust his stomach to keep anything down so he went for a walk instead. He found a courtyard on the bottom floor, occupied by a few patients chatting quietly with each other, all of them in wheelchairs with a nurse nearby. Jared sat at an empty picnic like table, all the while wondering whom in a hospital came outside to have a picnic.
The yard was small but perfectly formed, surrounded by flowerbeds and lush green grass that reminded Jared of Jensen's love for the outdoors. He didn’t get much chance to experience it because even on a hot day like today, his body was always so cold and shivering wore him out. They had been to the park a few times together though on days when Jensen felt good. Jared made a note to bring Jensen out here in his wheelchair when he was well enough, he would absolutely love it.
Jared bathed in the warm sun until all of the patients had gone back inside and sweat was beginning to trickle down his neck. He found a bathroom and splashed water on his face, sprinkling some down his back before taking the elevator back up to the surgical ward.
Chris was sat in one of the chairs when he got there, raking his hands through his long hair and looking uncharacteristically nervous. He looked up when Jared’s sneakers squeaked on the floor.
The pair of them hugged, an expression of mutual worry rather than friendship. Truth be told, Jared didn’t know that much about Chris and Chris didn’t particularly like Jared. Jared put it down to the fact that Chris was probably being protective of his best friend seeing as though he’d been let down by so many people in the past. Today however, their differences were set aside.
Chris was the first to sit back down; he looked over Jared’s damp shirt but didn’t say anything. “How long has he been in there?”
Jared looked at his watch and sat in the empty seat beside him. “Two hours and three minutes.”
Chris nodded and silence followed. Jared unintentionally counted the seconds before he spoke again. “Did they say what time he’d be out?”
Jared shook his head and swiped the back of his hand over his still damp forehead. “Could be two hours, could be ten.” Doctors weren’t good at giving round about figures; Jared learned that from his brother, though Jeff had never told him why that was.
“How was he? I mean…was he okay when they took him?” Chris picked up the magazine Jared had tried reading earlier and rolled it up to give his hands something to do. The magazine between Chris’s rough guitar fingers ripped under the twisting pressure.
“He was okay, he was more worried about me,” Jared chuckled and tears stung his eyes though they did not fall.
Chris laughed quietly as well, sounding bitter. “That’s Jensen, always worrying about someone else.”
The conversation quickly died after that and by the end of that second hour, Chris had fallen asleep. Jared didn’t blame him, he’d been stuck in an airport all day and had even forgotten his luggage on this end because he’d been so rushed trying to get to the hospital.
During the third hour, Jared’s stomach reminded him that he hadn’t eaten anything since that morning and Chris suggested they go find something to eat. The cafeteria was still serving hot meals but Jared wasn’t sure he could keep anything that substantial down, so he settled for a bag of plain chips and an orange. Chris went for a turkey and ham sandwich and a bottle of water. They sat around a small table at the back of the crowded cafeteria, not saying much of anything to each other until Jared broke the silence half way through his orange after devouring his chips.
“How’s the uh, band stuff?”
Chris swallowed and cleared his throat. “Pretty good,” he shrugged. “This producer approached us a few weeks ago and wants to sign us.”
Jared sensed in his tone he wasn’t as ecstatic as he probably should be. “That’s really awesome. Have you told Jensen? He’ll be so happy for you guys.”
Chris pushed away the rest of his sandwich and lent back on the chair. His broad elbow bushed the person behind and he apologized before leaning inwards once again. “I told him last week, we haven’t really talked about it since.”
That didn’t sound like Jensen. He boasted about them many a time to Jared and often listened to the very few songs he had on record around his apartment. The songs soothed him and reminded him of happier times. Jared was baffled as to why Jensen wouldn’t tell him such good news about the band; he’d said time and time again how long they had been waiting for their break. He was even more confused why his boyfriend would seemingly avoid the topic with Chris after hearing about it.
Chris started to peal the label from his water bottle, his words mumbled and miserable. “The record guys want to sign us without Jensen because they haven’t heard him play, they don’t know if he’s reliable or whatever, and they can’t take my word for it when I tell them he’s a fucking amazing musician.”
Jared had never heard Jensen play live, but he had no doubt in his mind Jensen was incredible with a guitar and a microphone. “What about if you wait to sign on until after he gets better? Then you can all sign on at the same time.”
“The window of opportunity is small for those who are actually committed to their craft.” Chris spoke with a condescending tone and quoty fingers. “Record companies, man. They’re assholes.”
“Jensen never said anything.” He had seemed down the other day but nothing that caught Jared’s attention too much. Jared’s heart suddenly ached for the man he loved. Jensen had worked so hard and had been through so much, he deserved a break from the universe’s bullshit. His band had finally made it and Jensen couldn’t be a part of it because he was preoccupied with cancer.
“He was pissed when I told him I wasn’t signing that deal. Self righteous asshole.”
Suddenly things clicked for Jared. “He told you to sign without him,” it was a statement, not a question. Chris nodded anyway. “You should,” Jared said firmly, speaking quickly when Chris looked like he was about throw his meaty fist at his jaw. “It’s what Jensen wants, he’ll probably never speak to you again if you don’t and he’ll blame himself if you guys never get another break.”
Chris was quiet; the silence was tight despite the mass of loud voices around them. “You’re smarter than I gave you credit for.”
Jared snorted. It wasn’t ‘I don’t totally hate you’ but it was probably the best he could hope for right now.
“We should get back upstairs,” Jared said, trashing the rest of his orange and its peelings along with his empty chips bag. Chris followed, chomping the rest of his sandwich on the elevator up.
The waiting room was still completely empty when the returned to their seats. One hour and seven minutes later, someone finally came to talk to them.
Jared hadn’t even realised he’d been dozing by that point like Chris had been earlier. They both shot up from their seats with the same panicked and desperate expression when the surgeon stood in front of them. He was chubby but had fingers softer than a models’ and wide eyes despite having just come away from a five hour surgery.
“Jensen's out of the OR and is currently being taken to recovery,” he told them, before going into as much detail as Jared demanded.
-
Jensen's eyes were warm and hazy as he peeled them open. He vaguely remembered waking up to a nurse in recovery with wires and sharp pain surrounding him, but beyond that, his mind was a blur.
There was a hand wrapped around his own and he squeezed it with the strength his sleep riddled muscles allowed. “H-ey,” he said, his voice muffled. He lifted a lazy arm up and batted aside the oxygen mask covering his mouth and nose.
“Hey, leave that on.” Jared’s face appeared above him, replacing the mask, relief and joy spread across his ridiculous face. “Guess who doesn’t have cancer anymore?”
It took a moment for Jensen to answer, the mask clouded with his hot breath as he breathed out. “Mhm…hope its me.”
Jared chuckled quietly. “Pretty sure its you, yeah. No more chemo and beanies for you.”
“Aw…liked that stupid monkey hat.” Jensen pouted, shifting the mask to an uncomfortable place on his nose, drugged and dopey but completely pain free.
Jared kissed the top of his hand. “You can still wear it on special occasions. Chris finally made it by the way, he’s waiting outside, they would only let one of us in here and he insisted it had to be me.”
Jensen smiled with his eyes closed though he tried his very best to keep them open. “Told you he liked you.”
“Yeah, he’s not such a bad guy when he isn’t looking at me like he wants to tear my head off with his bare hands.” Jared pulled the folded blankets further up on Jensen's chest and smoothed them down. “You want us to trade so you can say hey?”
“Don’t go yet,” Jensen shook his head. “Can I still walk?” he asked in a voice on the edge of unconsciousness although his eyes had opened again. He willed his brain to engage so that he would remember this moment and not have the pain of asking Jared again. He couldn’t feel anything beyond the drool down his chin, so he had no way of knowing how much of him they cut away.
“It’s gonna be pretty rough in rehab but they think you’ll regain at least 80% of your mobility.”
“I still have my legs to walk on?” Jensen said, making sure he’d heard correctly.
Jared laughed at him again. “Yes, Jensen, you still have both of your legs. Nobody said anything about taking those away.”
“That’s good. I have good legs when I don’t have cancer, you’ll see.” Jensen smiled and closed his eyes. They were getting pretty heavy.
“I’m sure I will.” Jared stroked his baldhead tenderly.
Jensen's vision narrowed again and the three Jared’s sat on the edge of his bed disappeared into a warm darkness. The last thing he was aware of was Jared telling him he’d go get Chris before he fell asleep completely. He was drooling half way down his chin before his best friend even entered the room.
-
Jensen slept endlessly after his surgery. He hardly ate or drank but between his extended naps, he had somehow managed to convince Chris to sign the record deal before he flew back to LA to rejoin the rest of the band.
Jared meanwhile had begged and pleaded with the nurses but they refused to let him stay on the ward past 10PM. On the third morning when Jared returned to the hospital with a bag slung over his shoulder and breakfast for he and Jensen at 9AM sharp, the agreed time he was allowed back, Jensen was awake with a smile on his face. His skin smelt like old lady soap and the top of his head glistened with tiny water beads, signifying he’d finally allowed the nurses to give him a bed bath.
“What’s got you so happy?” Jared asked with a smile of his own.
“They removed my catheter this morning, I can finally piss in a cup.”
“Sexy,” Jared told him, setting down the bag of bagels for Jensen -one of the only things he would eat when he was being fussy- and a hot coffee for himself.
“So is the beard,” Jensen told him and Jared was confused for a moment until his boyfriend brushed his fingers along his stubbly jaw. He hadn’t shaved in four days -being preoccupied and all- and his beard grew in seriously fast. He was about to mention he’d make note to shave tonight until Jensen said, “The hunky hobo look is really turning me on right now.”
“Turning you on, huh? Maybe we should do something about that.”
Jensen gave him a mock look of disgust. “We’re in a hospital and you’re treating me like I’m a piece of meat, for shame, Jared Padalecki. I’m just a pretty face and a hot body to you aren’t I?”
Jared bent over the bed to kiss him. “Yep, my needs are purely physical when it comes to you. Besides, you brought it up.”
“I hinted, you inferred, so there,” Jensen stuck his tongue out. “But we might as well make use of our current spare time. After you see the scar, you’re gonna be put you off sex for a while. Dude, its gross,” Jensen smirked, boyishly proud and still a little stoned. He grabbed the brown bag and tore it open, pulling out one half of the toasted goods inside. He started eating without a moment’s hesitation.
Today was a good day.
“How did you even see the scar?” Jared sipped his coffee, burning his lip just a little.
“I got them to bring me a mirror before they replaced the dressing.” Jensen went on to describe the length of his incision and how many stitches he counted. He talked with his mouth full, spitting out bits of bagel, which was somehow both gross and endearing.
“Did you find all the stuff?” Jensen asked, looking at the bag Jared had set on the floor earlier.
“Everything except your grey beanie, so I brought your black one instead and a red one I found in your laundry basket that I’ve never seen you wear.” Jared pulled out both of them and a clean pair of pyjamas for Jensen to change into.
Jensen shrugged, “Forgot I got had it,” then put the red one on his head with his ears tucked in. Jared helped him change into the PJ’s and after he finished off the rest of his breakfast, Jensen was exhausted again. He slept until noon when a physical therapist named Katie came to see him.
She tested his post OP strength and mobility by making him push her hands with his feet, along with various other bedridden exercises that brought tears to Jensen's eyes. Though he declined to push the morphine button and drove through like a trooper. Unlike Jared who asked for an epidural for himself because watching Jensen in pain was unbearable.
When she came back the next day with a walker and asked for Jensen to stand up, Jared actually said aloud, “Are you insane?”
“Be nice,” Jensen scolded him before insisting, “I can do it.”
Katie pulled back Jensen's bed covers and he swung his legs over the end of the bed. His breathing was laboured after such a small task that Jared was sure Katie would tell him to get back in bed and they’d try another day, but she didn’t.
“That’s great, now place both feet on the ground and push up when you’re ready.” She dethatched Jensen from his drip so he wouldn’t get caught up and pushed the walker in front of him, holding it firm. Jared went around to their side of the bed and stood by Jensen's right side, ready to catch him if he felt like he might fall.
He didn’t though.
Jensen took a deep steady breath and pushed up from the bed. His legs wobbled and his hands shook, but he gripped the walker with strength Jared didn’t even know he had and he stood.
“Fuck, fuckfuckfuckfuck. Oh motherfucker.”
“Hurts?” Jared said with a tiny smile, he’d never heard Jensen swear so much before.
“Gee, ya think?” Jensen grunted, breathless and in desperate pain but standing on his own two feet just four days after major spinal surgery.
Katie seemed over the moon too and let go of the walker, satisfied Jensen was okay on his own. “You’re doing great. Now, put one foot in front of the other and walk for me a little bit.”
Guiding the walker whilst walking in so much pain looked as though it should have been impossible but Jensen did it. He managed four tentative feet before his knees could no longer support his weight and Katie suggested he walk back to the bed.
“Wow, that sucked,” Jensen muttered as Jared helped him lay down and Katie pulled the blankets back over him.
“This afternoon I want you to walk the whole corridor for me,” she said, connecting the drip to his IV again.
“Yay, can’t wait.” Jensen gave her the thumbs up.
“Rest up,” the therapist advised. “I’ll see you guys later.”
Jared thought Jensen had fallen asleep, completely worn out after his mini marathon. “Not bad for a post cancerous gimp, huh?” he said with a smirk now they were alone.
“I’ve always told you how amazing you are, you’re just starting to listen to me now?” Jared straightened Jensen's beanie. “And you thought you would never walk again, idiot,” he shook his head fondly. “I’m really proud of you.”
“Hmm…kind of proud of me too.”
Jared stroked Jensen's brow. “You okay?”
Jensen nodded sleepily. “Just tired, and really sore.”
“Get some sleep, I’m not going anywhere. Don’t forget to use the button if you need to.” Jared picked up one of the magazines Jensen had bought from the cart lady yesterday and sat back in the chair to read, listening to the soft sounds of Jensen's healing breaths. Later, if Jensen felt up to it, Jared would take him down to the flower crowded courtyard like he planned, maybe they would even make use of the tables there and have their first picnic together, including muffins.
The End.
What should happen next? Is this the end? I got no clue...