I don't understand why I cannot get over this one little thing. This one little thing that was apparently nothing. I've tried to tell him a thousand times, nothing comes out, he tells me I'm being melodramatic. I hate that I am tossing and turning at night and I doubt I cross his mind throughout the day. This is ridiculous. Why can't I get over it ( Read more... )

i am so angry. i'm angry at him, i'm angry at her, i'm angry at them, i'm angry at me. i have so much anger in me. i remember one day i was talking to a coworker and he looks at me and goes, "wow your anger is astounding". i hate that i've lived with this for so long. it just surges through me. i can feel it. it's a physical feeling and i hate it. ( Read more... )

i need to move. i don't care where i go. but i have to get away from this place. i can't take it anymore. where should i go? come aug 15th (graduation) there is nothing holding me here anymore..... it's the most terrifying but also good feeling i have ever felt.

i don't know if it is ever going to go away. i try to kill it in any way i can think of. it goes away for awhile. it always comes back.

ambiguity is the most difficult thing to deal with. ambiguity is killing me. i've always been an all or nothing kind of person. i feel like i need to embrace that right now. why can't i be that person who only see's black and white and no gray area when its hurting me to be swimming in an ocean's worth of gray. this is killing me inside.

i haven't written here in awhile. i haven't had much to say i guess. a lot has changed. everything was down and then in went up and now everything just feels nonexistent. i give up. i'm not fighting anymore. i accept defeat. i accept numb. i'm tired of trying.

It is so easy for people to make me feel guilty for their actions. To make me feel like it's all in my head and I am the one being ridiculous. It is so hard for me to turn it around and know that I am not the one in the wrong and that I deserve more than that. So you know what? Maybe you're the one being ridiculous. Maybe you're the one who isn't ( Read more... )

Tonight was my last night at work for a few weeks. I am going to be taking a short-term disability leave. At first I laughed when I found out I could take a disability leave instead of a personal leave. I thought it was funny that people would pay me to take sometime off. I have tried to make light of it to everyone at work, to make it seem like ( Read more... )

forgiveness is the hardest thing for me. there are some things i am not sure i will ever be able to forgive. maybe someday forgiveness will find me. maybe someday. but today i will live with this hole in my heart. today i will not back down. today i will let it eat me alive. i'm not ready to forgive you. i'm not sure if i will ever be able to.

everyone keeps telling me to take care of myself. i'm not sure what that means.