it hurts so much to feel almost nothing. its a deep dull ache. to feel somethings so strong and others not at all. what i do feel is what i do not want to feel. i fight it so much it tears me up inside. it creates conflict with others that i cannot admit what i feel. i cannot be at peace with it. all i do is fight it. how am i ever going to feel ( Read more... )

I don't know why I do the things I do or why I make the choices that I end up making. I push people away from me so easily. I am too difficult to deal with. Its all fun and games until it gets serious for a second and then people bail. People can't deal with it. People won't deal with it. I don't understand other people's definition of ( Read more... )

Thoughts racing, my mind is going to explode. This way or that. It's too much. I try to hide, but all of a sudden there is attention, attention, attention. I try to wipe the lone tear but I just let it roll down my cheek. They don't notice. I take the razor, I make it deep. It hurts for days but it is such sweet relief. It's all okay, my mind is ( Read more... )

I feel desperate for somebody to talk to but there isn't anybody around. I feel so depressed and unwanted. No one has made me feel this worthless in a long time. How can someone tell you that they are "very lucky to have you as a friend and wouldn't trade it for anything" and then cancel every plan they have made with you the week after saying ( Read more... )

i hate how i let people dissapoint me. i try so hard to not expect anything from people, but somehow i always end up having that little bit of hope and i am almost always let down. i wrote awhile back about someone that i decided i shouldn't be friends with anymore. i never followed through on that and it has only gotten worse. i need to end it ( Read more... )

Hair color? blonde ( Read more... )

I truly do not get people. I understand the logic, but I don't understand the why. Things are made out to be so much more complicated than they truly are. If we could all only trust ourselves and own up to what we truly think and feel then it would all be so much easier. Yes it may be hard at first to have to deal with the repercussions of just ( Read more... )

I cannot wait for this doctor's appointment tomorrow. I am fairly terrified about it, but I need to go. I am ready for this to end. I know I shouldn't look at it as a cure, that this will finally be it, but I am looking at it as a pathway to getting better. A step in the right direction. I trust Kathryn. I just wish I didn't feel so alone in this ( Read more... )

I get so confused about things so easily. My mind likes to play tricks on me and go from one thought or feeling to a completely different one about the same thing in a matter of seconds. I say I don't know what I want, but I do. I know exactly what I want. At least for this moment I know. It just hurts because I don't think it is something that ( Read more... )

i felt alive for a moment yesterday. the moment has come and gone, but it was worth it to feel alive for just that moment. it also helped to teach me a lesson, to show me that i cannot handle it. one moment of feeling just disables me and i will not have that. in order to function i need to be able to turn it on and off, to be able to be in ( Read more... )